Thursday, December 22, 2011


Everybody, get on the floor and let's dance

Don't fight your feelings, give yourself a chance
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, You can, you can do it very well
You're the best in the world, I can tell
Oh, Shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Karli got her nose pierced last night. It bled a lot and I thought I was going to pass out.  She was gripping my hand so tight that I had deep fingernail indentations in my hand. She loves it.

Kallyn came to file today and I kept smelling something good.  I thought it smelled like shampoo and I went to smell her hair to see.  I got right up to her hair and  ZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP  we both got shocked horribly!  There were sparks!!  My nose felt like it got pierced and she thought her hair caught on fire. We both were almost on the floor in laughter.  My boss had to open up his little french fry window to see what the hell was going on.

Going to dance soon!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Hey doing good!

I'm sort of afraid to say that and jinx it. I believe in jinxing.

I had such a good weekend (it really started on Thursday and kept going through Sunday).  I closed down Big Daddy's 3 nights in a row. Whew!  I love love the security guy (Shawn) there.  Love to give him crap.  ") He had to almost pick me and a friend up and throw us out on Thur & Sat.  he he.  I wish he had done that to this drunk girl I was giving a ride home to on Friday night.  Boy, it was like trying to herd....herd...I don't know something REALLY difficult to herd, to get her out the door.  When I saw Shawn Sat. night he told me next time he'd pick her up and carry her out the door for me.  I asked him if he'd come with me to take her home so he could pick her up out of the truck too!  We sat in her driveway for 45 minutes before she quit talking and got out!!     

Here is who I saw Friday night - this is Mikey Spandex from Platinum Spandex.  He is a main reason I like to come!! Yes, he is married (and has a daughter that plays softball on a rival team of my daughters!) but looking doesn't hurt... right?

Saturday night I went to a Christmas party with 26 people there. 1 person I knew really well and there were 3 people I knew somewhat and 3 were acquaintances and the other people I'd pretty much never seen before.  It started at 7 and the person I knew really well wasnt going to be there til 8.  I put on my big girl panties and went by myself.  (BIG deal for me! but I'm working on stretching that comfort zone and branching out ya know) so I went and had fun and met new people and laughed really hard and got a text from my good friend that she was going to be later (she got there at 10:30).  She and I left at 12:30 and weren't quite ready to go home.  The bands play til 1:00 at Big Daddy's so we decided to run there. I've wanted to see the band that was playing for awhile so I got to see a couple songs.  They are a 10 person band with trumpets and saxaphones & such - very cool!

From all of that I woke up Sunday in the Christmas Spirit.  Finally! I woke up and put on my Santa Hat and naked Santa earrings and knee high Santa socks and Karli and I baked cookies and went shopping.

Yesterday I finished Christmas shopping. This year I bought less than I ever have.  The girls each get one present and their stockings.  It just breaks my heart.  Karli tells me it's just fine; all she wants is her nose pierced.  (ughh)  (Now I just have to decided between paying the cable/internet bill or the cell phone bill.)

The good mood is still carrying on and it's Wednesday.  Woohoo!  I'm going to a Christmas dinner/gift exchange Thursday before the dancing and it sounds like a lot of people I know are going to be there Thursday, so LOTS of fun!  I was invited to a Christmas party on Friday from a friend and I will not know ANYONE else there (besides my girls).  More branching out.  Saturday I celebrate Christmas with my siblings and step-mom and Sunday will be spent with my beautiful girls and Jake & Normi. I get Monday off, yay!!

Dang... better get back to work. Soooooo not in the mood.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Things to be thankful for

1.  At the moment, first and foremost, I am most grateful that I had a hysterectomy and do not get my periods because my emotions are so #$%$# wacky, I could not stand PMS on top of it right now!!!  I just keep thinking thank god I can't get PMS!  I am so up and down. Happy and heartbreakingly sad.

2. I have 3 beautiful children that I love with all my heart and soul. I really wish that Jason lived here so that I could see that smile of his more often. His grin and silliness always makes me laugh.

3. While my Mustang's transmission died and I have absolutely no money to fix it, I do have a truck to drive.  Sure, it costs $40 more a month in insurance and only gets 10.7 mpg BUT IT IS A VEHICLE TO DRIVE.

4. I have a job.  Thank the heavens.

5. I am two months behind in my mortgage and constantly worry about foreclosure, BUT I belong to a Credit Union not BANK OF UNAMERICA and they have been working with me for over a year and so I still have a roof over my head.   I do, I do believe in miracles.

6.  This Holiday season is really hard without my step-dad. He sort of WAS Christmas.  My mom's anniversary is New Year's Eve so she really has a double whammy.  But I was just reminded (sort of a little voice whispering in my ear...where DO those come from?) that he would HATE for us all to be sad and not enjoying Christmas.  It would tear him up to see us all so unhappy. So I am going to try harder. *damn it*

Yesterday was a day where I just couldn't seem to stop crying. My boss wasn't at work so I was free to do that.  Dancing honestly helps boost those happy endorphins.  Today I feel better.  Not great, but better.  The last few days I had thought I would stay home tonight but I saw some intriguing pictures today on the PS website that makes me want to go.  And I found out that I would be alone tonight and I just don't want to be alone.  Right now, being alone with myself, well the three of us - me, myself and I - are not a good combination.  My mind starts going and I just get more emotional.  When I am dancing I can't think.  It is freedom from thinking and stress.  A respite for the mind and body and some healing for the soul.

I need to try to finish shopping this weekend.  I don't have very much to buy at. all. So it shouldn't be hard to accomplish.  Tomorrow night I am going to Christmas party where I will know 4 people (1 person really well and 3 sorta) and not know 20 other people.  I don't do real well in situations like that but that is part of the new me that is stretching my comfort zone.  Stretching is how I know the host in the first place.  Because after Geoff died, and I was sitting at Mukilteo Beach one day, a little voice whispered in my ear that life was too short, one never knew what was going to happen and I needed to LIVE IT while I could. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Do you ever feel

so filled with hopeless that you just feel like it's going to completely wash over you and pull you out into the ocean forever?

That's all I got in me right now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Hump day

Well, it took two days, but I finally convinced Mo that she COULD. NOT. take Cheroo by herself.  That she DID. NOT. NEED. TO.  I loved Cheroo so much.  I was as bonded to him as much as with my own kitties. He was the biggest love. You could pick him up and put him in your lap and he'd just lay there. He was a part of Mo's house.  I know that she is mourning him greatly and the time of the year sucks.  And I think when he got up to heaven, he found Dilbert and told him that he didn't like Fifi either! Mo, It was an honor to be there with you two in that heartbreaking, private time. I love you sister of my heart.

I got in my car to go to lunch yesterday, I had to go to the bank and I went to the auto store to buy Transmission fluid, then I was trying to decide what to do next and the owners manual said the car needed to be pretty warm before you checked the fluid. I got in my car with no idea really of where to drive to, and before I knew it I was at Mukilteo Beach.  I went and sat on a log and cried my heart out.  Prayed for Cheroo.  Cried for my step-dad. This Christmas is really hard. I just can't get into the Christmas spirit.  It isn't the same without him. I'm mad at my mom for a couple reasons and she's so upset and missing him, she said she's not doing anything for Christmas.  I have no money and my kids won't tell me anything they want so that makes it even harder to buy for them.  I don't want to spend what little money I have to buy them something just to be buying them something - I want to get them something they WANT.  It just makes me so depressed.  I cried for all that too.  Then looking out over the calm water and burying my hands in the sand, calmed me down.  It was too dang cold to put my feet in sand, but for some reason pouring the sand through my hands helped a little. It's like I need to connect with the earth.  Isn't that weird? I know.  I am weird. 

THEN, Ok.  I needed the transmission fluid checked in my car and a certain STBE (soon to be ex) had said for 3 days he would do it and hadn't (although one day he had to xl to go to an interview, so that was forgiven).  I decided I would do it.  You can find anything on the internet, so I looked up how you check it and I looked in the owners manual, and I did it myself and added some fluid to it. (it is harder than just adding oil).  Unfortunatley, that is not the problem. *sigh*  But the Mustang doesn't like to drive on ice (straight anyways, it has no problem driving sideways) so I am thinking I need to drive the STUPID truck for the next couple of months. The truck that costs $40 a month more to insure and gets 10.5 mpg instead of 18. BUT has 4 wheel drive. ugh

Monday, December 12, 2011

Weekend update

So Saturday I was supposed to go to a Company party with a friend.  I wasn't too excited about going somewhere with a bunch of strangers but I WAS excited to wear this dress that I bought at the Lincoln City Outlet Mall in July 2009 that still had the tags on it.  I also thought we were going to some place fancy inSeattle. He was supposed to wear a suit.  So dressing up... someplace nice in Seattle... that sounded like fun.  Then the night before I found out it was in someone home.  He texted me that the invite read "in our home, cocktails, buffet, dancing.  Take shuttle from Shoreline college."  I thought WTH??  I didn't want to go to someones house.  AND what kind of house do you go to that you NEED TO TAKE A SHUTTLE?  Ok, maybe it was a fancy house.  It must be a big house if they were having dancing in the house, right?  I guess I was intrigued.

I took a nap because I was tired and wanted to be rested and not have bags under my eyes.  I showered.  I SHAVED.  I haven't worn a dress forever.  I primped.  I put on PANTYHOSE. I got a phone call about 10 minutes before I was to leave that he was cancelling on me.  There were a couple reasons.  One was he had to work late and had just gotten home so we were already going to be late.  Two, he has a guy living in a motorhome on his lot next door and his power was out for some reason, so he had to try to figure out why before he could even shower.  There was a Three that was the worst reason but I am not getting into that.

I wasn't just dressed,  I took pains to get dressed.  I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE DAMN IT!!!  I had been invited to a Christmas party but I couln't go because of this holiday party that I had promised to go to.  But I didn't have the lady's phone #, just her FB page. GRRRR. They planned to go to Big Daddy's after the party and had invited me to meet them their after my party so I had that to do but not until 9 and I wanted to go someplace NOW (it was 6).  I texted a couple people and sat to cool off a little.

At 8 a friend invited me to a local tavern to play darts. I figured I could go watch.  When I tried to play darts 20 yrs ago, I had trouble finding the dart board. I got there and she whispers to me "Im on a date"  OMG, I asked why the hell she invited me then and she said it was actually his idea. She had read my text out loud and he was taking pity on me. Sheesh. And he insisted I play darts.  We played 3 games.  And I got 2 bulls-eyes. It was a lot of fun. 

Then I went dancing and danced my little heart out.  A guy I sort of like was completely ignoring me and was dancing with 3 girls the entire time so I got feelings hurt again and just danced my little heart out.  I really like the ladies that were there, they were all so excited to see me. They are having a gift exchange dinner there in 2 wks and I was reminded 3 or 4 times to make sure I come.  

So I really did end up having a fun time over all and I got so many compliments on my dress. I'm going to have to wear it again, just because.

Sunday I had no energy but did some puttering. I can't find my Christmas clothes and can.not. for the life of me think of where they might have gone.  They have ALWAYS ALWAYS been put away in the same spot. The same for my Snowmen. I have a whole rubbermaid container of Snowmen stuff and I CANNOT FIND IT.  It had been in the POD.  Kar and I watched a DVR'd House marathon and made Christmas cards.  It's the first time I've done something crafty in a year. It was quite enjoyable. I need to do it more often.

Now it's Monday and I'm not ready to face another week. blahhhh

Friday, December 9, 2011

A little better today

I am $50 richer for doing nothing, but I guess I could have easily been $75 richer.  Who knew?  Our family has a sonicare system that holds 4 toothbrushes and we all used it at first and after awhile Jake was the only one that used it.  This dealy was just a one brush thing.  I can't believe just 1 would cost that much. When the guy finally showed up (he changed the time on me & I had to wait for an hour Grrr) he asked why I was selling it so cheap, he thought it might have been a scam at first because the cheapest he had seen one for was $75.  I was mentally smacking myself upside my head.  I didn't even look to see if other people were selling them and for how much.  I'm trying to sell some damn dolls and I've researched the hell out of them.  Geesh.  BUT like I said, $50 more than I had.

And dancing was just what I needed to give me a little boost in my step and calm my mental anguish.  I've made some friends there (the person I had been going with hasn't gone for the last month and I've gone by myself so I started sitting with this group of ladies) and I got invited to a Christmas party at one of there house's Saturday that I can't go to, but also got invited to a pre-dancing Christmas party gift exchange in 2 wks at Big Daddy's with them.  It is just huge for shy introvert me to have ventured out in the last few months and made some new friends, to have stepped outside my comfort zone and pushed some limits.  (I am not in ANY way trying to replace any of my current friends, no sir-ee!)   I also got a major compliment.... he is a regular, but I've never danced with him before.  He is quite handsome....if only he wasn't in his late 50's-early 60's, it would be better!  lol!  It still helps the ego to be told you are amazing.  I also saw someone that is pretty much like an ex-brother in-law and his dancing cracks me up! It's disco music and he dances like it's rap. 

I am going out with a friend tonight (actually the one that is like a sister and it's her exhubby that I saw last night) and then I am going with a friend to his Company Christmas party tomorrow night.  I agreed to go mostly because it is a dressy event and I have this dress I have had for over a year (maybe 2) and never worn.  It says cocktail attire, which calls for an above the knee dress, but I don't have any of those.  This dress is below the knee and I don't care because I have been DYING to wear it.  And it has no sleeves so I am going to freeze. I do not care.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Something is definitely wrong with me. I woke up this THURSDAY morning and I have no excitement for going out tonight.  Usually I wake up in SUCH a good mood, humming to myself.  Woke up this morning. Blah.

I even walked out the door and saw no ice on my car and thought "Oooh, good sign, maybe it will be a good day", which is what I said yesterday and for the most part it was a good day. But as soon as I got in my car... happiness gone.  For some reason being in my car makes my mind go crazy with thoughts.  Me, myself and I talk WAY too much to each other. 

I won this Sonic Care toothbrush last year from my dentist and it's sat in the box all year. I kept thinking I should put it on cr@ig$list and finally did last night for $50, I debated $75 as it sells for like $125-$150 (looks like a stupid toothbrush to me) but I didn't think someone shopping on that site was looking to spend that much.  I got a text exactly 30 minutes later.  I'm meeting someone at 5:45 tonight. (in front of a grocery store, so don't worry mother hens, I will be safe).  I sort of wish I had put it for $75.  I have a bunch of porcelain dolls I need to get rid of.  I have them all for $20 and they are worth more than that. I also have a mobility scooter that we paid $800 that I am trying to sell for $400 (I have it listed for 325 but they need to buy an $80 battery).  I keep looking around my house to see what else I can try to sell on ebay or cr@igs

Deb, thank you for your sweet comment, it made me smile. 

Martha, maybe we should rethink the domestic partner thing!!

I have actually thought about cleaning out my office and trying to rent that room.  I just don't know what I would do with all of the stuff in it.  I really don't know if I can keep my house unless I do something like that.

Ok, enough depressing thoughts.  I'm not coming back until I have something uplifting to say.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Definitely a Monday

I have fought depression for years and take meds for it but it doesn't always stop it completely and I can feel a bout of it coming on.  I am going to fight it hard though.  I let it take over a bit this morning.  I said on FB that I hit dismiss instead of snooze but truth is, it was a conscious decision.  I said "The hell with it, I just can't get up yet." and turned off my alarm. The dog woke me up an hour later.  I feel like crap today, I have already had this cold thing twice and I don't want it again but there is pressure on my chest and my head is stuff.  I have had pain in my left shoulder for about two weeks.  Sometimes is this deep bone ache and sometimes it's this really weird twitching.  I know it's Fibro but I have never ever had it in my arm like this. Right in the shoulder joint.  I don't like it at all.  Oh, I had to stop at the Water place this morning to pay part of the bill so they didn't shut me off today.  How in the hell am I supposed to not pay any bills so that I can file bankruptcy if I keep getting shut off notices?  I don't understand and it makes my stomach in knots.

The only thing going for me is that there IS blue sky out my window at work.  Gray and rain would push me over the edge.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Just having trouble with this whole Holiday thing

I have so many different things going on right now and it is really overwhelming me.  I keep trying to decorate for Christmas and I am having the hardest time.  Jake moved out last November but things were so weird then this is really the first Christmas more on my own and it is what I want, so why do I start bawling everytime I start to decorate or try to do anything?  Well, this last time I was pulling stuff out in the laundry/storage room and looked over & saw this crocheted booty that my step dad had bought at a craft fair for Kallyn when she was first born. He is not here this year, which means my mom is really not "here".  It still does not seem real that he is gone.  

My kids seem to expect the house decorated but don't seem to want to help me and it would be a much more pleasurable thing if we did it as a family.  I seem to be having issues with both of them that just breaks my heart.  I myself am feeling incredibly restless and lonely.  I'm not comfortable inside my own skin. 

I am so broke it is not even funny.  I have 1 more paycheck before Christmas and it won't even be enough to pay the mortgage so how am I supposed to buy any Christmas presents?  I honestly just don't know what to do?  I keep praying and praying and job searching for a 2nd part time job that would work with my FT one or a full time job that makes more than I do right now.  I'm trying to sell  some things on ebay and craigslist.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I was feeling a bit better mostly thanks to my muscle relaxer.  I took that before I went to UC.  It is something I can take 3x a day and was at one point but I weaned down to just taking one at bedtime.  It occurred to me that it might help with the pain some and it has been a miracle helper as far as not making me scream when I pee, I am just keeping a heated bean bag on my abdomen a lot of of the time for crampy pain.  Today I woke up in more crampy abdominal & back pain than I've been having. 

I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by bills and shut off notices this morning.  When I talked to the bankruptcy attorney on Sept 7, he said "do not pay another bill from this point on" HOW DO YOU DO THAT?  HOW. DO. YOU. DO. THAT?  People shut you off if don't pay them.  YesterdayI promised Verizon $240 on Friday.  Right now I am trying to figure out how to divvy up $ to comcast, PUD & Water - those are the other 3 disconnection notices I am looking at. Everytime I think that I might have enough money together to file the damn bankruptcy then I am faced with bills or mortgage.  I still have to finish filling out the bankruptcy paperwork because everytime I work on it a little, it makes me physically sick.

I need a part-time job.  My sister just told me that since the end of August she has been working part-time from home. The job lets her work evenings and weekends so she can spend the days with my adorable nephew (CUTEST little boy in the world!!).  I am going over tomorrow to give her a tutuorial in Quickbooks. It is a job that I know how to do!  I want a 2nd job like this!!!!   I have seen a couple of weekend jobs where you have to work liek 9-5 Sat & Sun and I just don't think I can do that with my job.  I need to have SOME weekend. I wouldn't mind working like 2 evenings a week and one weekend day out of the house or doing something from home.  If I can work on a computer and still get up and putter and/or watch TV, then you don't feel so much like you are working. But I need to do SOMETHING else.  I don't make enough money and my wage is not that bad when I look around.   What I really need to do is take a powerpoint class. That is one computer program I don't know and when I look at job listings, companies looking for people like me want people to know powerpoint. I have no idea how to create graphs & charts.  I had to help Kar do one in excel for Health and we didn't do a very good job. But you know what?  You need money to take classes.

I need to go find some inspirational quotes because I am in a "life sucks" mode today and I don't want to be.  So I am going to find a lovely quote and put in on FB so I look like I am feeling grateful today and then I am going to plaster a smile on my face until those endorphins kick in and my brain recognizes it and I really become happy.  "Fake it til you make it".

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Bladder infection

Yes, I have one.  It's like the 4th one in my life and that makes it 5 too many. I don't know how people who get them all the time deal.  I can hardly.  By the time I got to Urg Care, I could hardly walk upright. I was wimpering because I'd drank water on the way there so they could take a urine sample.  Forcing liquid into a bladder that is already burning and has pressure that feels like you've been holding it for days and are going to explode if you don't go soon, EVEN though you just sat down and dribbled out a disappointingly little amount 5 minutes ago, AND knowing that when you do sit down again to pee out what is once again bound to be a disappointingly little amount, that you will be in the doctor's office so you will have to bite your tongue so you don't scream from the buringing pain that comes with it, isn't easy but I did it.  I thought I drank enough water to ace the urine exam, but I barely eeked out enough.  I wasn't just told I had an UTI, I was told my urine was filled with bacteria.  They were sending it off for further testing. 

Last night was an insomnia night so it was 5am that I went to sleep this morning and woke up because of a text at 9:30.  I spent quite awhile this morning texting people because of FB drama. yay.  I am completely worn from the pain (you'd think I would be a pro at it by now) and think I might be going to sleep soon, it's not even 7 yet.

I've had 4 days off and I want just 1 more.  It's never enough is it?  But I don't feel good.  *sniff* 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm spending the day with the girls, Jake and Normi. I plan to go see my siblings this evening.  That is, after my girls get home. 

That's right, neither of them spent the night at home last night.  I was a roller-coaster of emotions yesterday (If I hadn't had my uterus yanked, I would have sworn it was PMS).  It started with hearing the radio station on the way to work all go around and say what they were most thankful for.  It just gave me a flashback to Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and Geoff.  He is always the one to tell us to go around and say what we were most thankful for.  He always had to go last and we were all ready to groan, because he liked to go on and on.  I'm also still right where I was last year this time.  We said we would be a "family" for the Holiday's but this year would be different and here I am spending it with my "husband" (I don't like to call him husband, but I can't call him ex yet.  Soon-to-be-ex is too long. )  Yes, it is nice to be amicable, but we need to do stuff independently so the girls will get that it is over.  I'd honestly rather just go to my brother's house but my MIL would be crushed and girls would be crushed.  Christmas is already planned for the same thing so ONE more Holiday season.

The work day was painfully long.  I was really restless.  I came home to an empty house and felt incredibly lonely.  So I found a couple friends and went dancing. Not at my usual place, it was a place near Martha's (I'm so glad Martha came!) it is sort of cozy Irish Pub but the couple times I've been there, the crowd is more 20-30's. I am definately more comfy in my usual place.  The band was pretty good though, there was a male and female singer and their voices were pretty amazing.

It has been a year of ups and downs but I am most thankful for my friends, for I know that I never could have made it this far without them.  I know that everyone says they are thankful for their family and friends and that almost sounds too cliche-ish  and standard to me,  but a lot of my friends are like family to me and I truly truly mean it when I say that I am most thankful for them.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I signed up for this Astrology Daily Forecast thing that comes to my phone every day.  I would say that I am maybe 30% believe it 70% don't.  maybe.  It is one that asks for your time and day of birth, not just by your month and goes by the moons and planets crossing and stuff. ANYWAYS... you know how I JUST blogged about feeling like some sort of idea is just r i g h t there?

Then I a little bit later my phone dings and reads:

"It's suddenly come to you - the perfect way to make money, live forever and find your soul mate.  Great. Now just take one second to realize that all of this while quite a pleasant fantasy, may also take some monumental effort on your part to bring about."

Ok, so it's not all roses... but the very first thing It's suddenly come to you - the perfect way to make money - is that not too weird after what I just said?  It made me gasp out loud.  And it gives dates Nov 16- Dec 9

It breaks it up into 4 categories and under Energy it's been saying for the last several days "You're going through an intense personal growth spurt.  You'll notice it more more you're asked to do something you'd never tried to do before--- and you pull it off with flying colors".  That one excites me a little. ")   The dates are 11/21-11/25

Under Career from now until Jan 21 it reads:  This is the moment you've been waiting for.  You're about to receive the mantle of authority you so richly deserve. Forget about the circumstanes.  Consider the honor.


OOOOHHH, I forgot to say something yesterday!

November 22, 2010 was the day that I told my husband that I loved him and always would in a special way but that I could no longer live with him or be married to him and that he needed to move out ASAP.

1 year ago and divorce papers have not been filed solely because bankruptcy papers have not been filed soley because I cannot afford to file for bankruptcy. (how F*cked up is that?)  If I let them turn off my cable and cell phones and power right now like they are all threatening to do then next payday I will have enough, but I am having trouble letting them do that.  I thought I had a little more money than that and all of a sudden it seems gone again.  Where the F does it go so fast? (and don't say going out, because I spend $20 at the most a week going out....I don't drink. Thurs nights costs me $5... for my sanity). 

I keep trying to think of what I want to do with my life.  The direction I want to go.  A way to make more money.  It is driving me crazy because I have no idea, but I literally feel like it is on the tip of my brain. Just riiiight there and out of reach.  Like any minute the string will be pulled and the light bulb will go off on this brilliant idea.  Until then I am in the dark. grrrrrr

Today is Friday at work.... I love 2 Fridays in one week!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I love my friends!

I have wonderful friends!!!  And I am having a much better day today because of all the love and support I get from you. 

I HAVE to remind myself of the Serenity Prayer more often. Much more often

Grant me the Serentity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

I have never dealt with conflict well.  I am just more likely to let someone bowl me over than to stand up to it. Especially when they are close to me.  Or else I scream and yell and lose rationality. (yes, me - i know some of you can't picture that easily).  It is easy being told things you should do and KNOWING that you should do them and than it is actually DOING them. (i.e., tough love, putting up boundaries...) Barb, she laughed at being told about boundaries and told me that was ridiculous.

I am positively, absolutely NOT giving up my Thursday night dancing, just so you all can take a deep breath.  They are not completely happy with that, but can sort of understand. (actually, Kar talked to her boyfriend and he gave her some perspective and she says she can see both of our sides, she feels caught in the middle).  But the girls want to limit it to 1 night a week only of mom leaving the house and while I don't plan to go out every night, by any means, I don't want to limit myself.  Like last week I went with a friend to a friend of hers birthday party on a Wed. as a favor (long story), but they didn't like me "going out" two nights in a row.  If I was a drinker and actually "partying" everytime I left the house, I could maybe see how they'd be upset - but everytime I leave the house, I am not "partying".  HELLO - does anyone know me?

Ooops... sorry... this was supposed to be an "I am HAPPY TODAY....damn it" post. 

Did you know the Thock party is 11 days away?  Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  There are always a couple of certain items that are very popular and I have never ever tried to get one before, but ya know... this year I might just try ; )   *giggle*

Monday, November 21, 2011

Trying to balance

I am doing the best I can.  I am trying to balance work, being a mom and being a woman.

I spent the first 20 yrs of my life mostly unhappy & turned to drugs & alcohol.  I spent the next 20 yrs married & raising kids, a lot of that happy but the last 7 yrs not happily married.  Sort of dying inside. Living life for my children, who I love more than life itself.  But they are growing up.  They have lives.  Early this year I spent so much time in bed being depressed and alone, while they were out having fun.

Then my step dad died.  That was like a huge jolt.  LIFE IS SHORT.  We need to LIVE LIFE NOW WHILE WE CAN!!  NOW I have a new chapter to start writing.  Discovering who Demery is.  I felt like I couldn't change or grow for years.  That I was stuck being who I was for so long.  Now I feel like I have the chance to break out of that comfort zone.  To meet new people, to have fun, to break out of being the shy person that I have hated for so long.  I am not just a mom, I am a woman too.  Doing dancing on Thursdays literally has made me feel like I am alive again.  I wake up Thursdays with a smile on my face and the greatest mood in the world.  If there is a band I like on Saturdays, I go then too. It is keeping me sane.

My children are upset.  They think I am abandoning them.  I am selfish and irresponsible.  That I am making them ill with stress.  They don't like me leaving at 8:30 at night but to me, it is after we have had dinner together.  We often watch a show together.  I will help with homework if needed.  WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER.  Usually at the time I leave, everyone is in their own rooms.  What does it matter if I am sitting in my own room being lonely, or if I leave to go have fun and reenergize myself?  What if I am hanging by a thread and leaving for awhile is the only thing holding me together?  I have tried sssssssoooooooo hard to explain this to them.  Do you know how much better my body has felt since I started dancing??

Last night it was like world war III in our house between my eldest and me while the younger sat there crying her heart out and rocking back and forth, refusing to talk. She needs to talk and she won't.  When she finally said something, she said she was conflicted because she sees both sides, but she wouldn't expand. 

They both were gone all day yesterday, doing something they enjoyed.  I sat at home all day, by myself.  Alone.  At around 3, I got invited to go somewhere at 8:30. I was very happy and looking very much forward to it.  The arguing started at 8.  I had to cancel my plans.  We were done about 9:00 and I got to go back to my room.  Alone.  Why can they do what they want, and have fun but mom is not allowed to?  I went back to my eldest and asked her that and she wanted to know why I was trying to make her feel guilty.  I said that I wasn't, I just wanted to know what her thinking was.  She didn't really have an answer.

I have a friend they are very close that offered to talk to them and explain what she went through when she got divorced.  She needed to go out a little and discover herself.  They lover her to death.  The eldest is refusing to have anything to do with talking to her about this. 

I just don't know what to do.  If I keep going out, it hurts them.  If I stay home, I will be resentful, and dead inside.  I feel dead today. Well, dead but about ready to explode with tears.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


I went to go vacuum and thought to myself that I really need to do something with Sammy's cage. Try to sell it maybe? Then I bent down on the floor to pick up the opened and the unopened 5 lb bags of bird food (they were BOGO, great deal, but who knew I wouldn't need it... ) to move them out of the way. And I. LOST. IT.  (still crying too hard to see the keyboard) Seeing that cage everytime I walk out of my bedroom kills me but I cannot handle the thought of moving the cage off the shelf it's on. I just can't.  My bed does not seem right without Lucky on it.  I am so used to checking on him and wiping his crusted nose several times a day.  It's too much unwelcome change too fast.  I am going to play poker tonight with girlfriends and I am sooo not in the mood.  I am hoping once I get there I will be fine, it's the getting ready to get there.  I was going to do housework all day today and I've had trouble getting motivated at all. I finally started doing something and now I want to crawl under the covers.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Catch up - what a roller coaster week!

Kallyn's two favorite football teams are the Ravens & Seahawks and they played here Sunday.  An aunt bought us 4 tickets to the game in most excellent seats and said they were birthday presents for all of us for the next year.  The girls had never been to the stadium and us 3 girls had never been to a pro football game.  It was quite exciting and we had lots of fun.

Not so fun was that I woke up Sunday morning to find our pet bird dead at the bottom of her cage.  I have had many nightmares that happened exactly like what happened Sunday. Her cage is right outside my bedroom so I say "good morning" to her every morning. She was almost 16 and their life span is 12-16 yrs.  I just had this feeling at the start of the year that she wasn't going to make it through the year. I didn't want to ruin the girls big day so we didn't tell them until Monday.

Tuesday I went with Kallyn to an advising appt at Lake WA Institute of Technology to talk about the Physical Therapy Asst program and we left there with her enrolled in college!!!!  SO EXCITING.  I am SO proud of her!!!  She starts January 3rd.

Wednesday we had a family dinner (with Jake) to talk about putting Lucky to sleep.  He is our 18 y/o cat and he is so so sick. He has lost so much weight he is just skin and bones now.  He has been up and down sick but he's been sick for awhile now and he's having trouble breathing. I can't afford to take him to the vet to have a bunch of tests done and I just know it will show something like Cheroo that will need $$$$ of work done. He is suffering and it breaks my heart so we agreed that he needs to be put to sleep.  Soooooo hard.  He came with our house.  We've had him for 15 yrs and he has slept on my bed that whole time.  How will I sleep at night with out Lucky on my bed?  For the last several years he really has not left my bedroom.  He is content to just be in there.  You dangle a string in front of him and he will still attempt to go after it. He is the most loving. He loves to give kisses, he practically makes out with you.  5:00 pm today.  I didn't think he would last the year either but I didn't expect to lose both animals in the same week.

Kallyn woke me up at 5:30 this morning with her left lymph node in her neck swollen.  She was almost screaming in pain.  She said her tongue felt a little numb, her ear hurt, she could hardly open her jaw.  I had her take sudafed and a hydro and we put a heat pack on it.  I laid in bed with her for awhile and rubbed her back.  Why does this shit have to happen to her constantly?

Karli has had to make some food at home for a foods and nutrition class.  Last night she made buttermilk biscuits.  I had to go to store just to buy buttermilk.  My mom had a recipe in a cookbook that she wrote but something didn't seem right so we called her, spent 20 minutes discussing it.  Finally made the biscuits and they come out and I took one look at the flat biscuits and my heart dropped into my stomach.  I pulled my baking power out of the cupboard - it expired in 2009 :'(   After all we went through, I ruined them.  I didn't even think to look at that or the fact that I hadn't used it forever.   Fortunately she doesn't get graded on final product, just the fact that she DID it. But she was quite bummed.  Tonight she is making tacos and instead of using prepackaged Taco seasoning she has to season it herself so I need to try to find a recipe... or just make one up.

That's my life. Ups and downs, but I guess that is what life is all about.

Friday, November 4, 2011

No worries!!

No worries!  I am having fun and being safe. I am never there alone (and the head security guy totally knows and likes me).  This guy is a regular and is harmless.  I told him to back up at one point and he did quickly.  But see, he dances so cool with girls and I always watch and there is this mixture of "don't make eye contact so he doesn't come over here" and "oh my god, wouldn't it be fun if I was brave enough to dance like that" and last night I was brave enough!  I am so tired of hiding like a turtle in my shell.  I have always hated being so shy and introverted and I am trying hard to be more like what I would really like to be like.  So when he headed toward my friend and me, gesturing towards the dance floor, I said "what the hell" to myself and got up to dance with him.

The reason why I keep going to Big Daddy's is because I feel safe there.  There is a range of ages but I would say the average would be 40's.  I have been to clubs in Seattle and Bellevue and totally feel out of my league, era, comfort zone etc... but this place is very comfortable feeling.  The security guy says he has worked hard to make it that way and to not make it a Bellevue type of place.  It is a restaurant for all ages during the day, they even have some arcade games and at 9 they turn into a 21+ over bar.  They do wine tours and they are doing something right now with wineries and scholarships. They have pool tables, I used to play pool in my gramma's basement growing up but I haven't played in 20 yrs.  Relearning to play is on my list of things to do. ") 

Oh last night there was a couple in there 70's (at least)!  They were SO cute!!! Bob and Lola.  We were thinking they were either newly together or had been married for 50 yrs (I'm betting on the 50).  They just floated around the dance floor (on the mellower songs).  A song would end and I would find myself clapping...not for the song, but for them and their dancing. 


Oooooh, I had fun last night!  I went dancing with a friend like I often do on Thursday nights.  (Thursday is 70's music - Disco - LOVE IT) I was worried because one of the guys who goes often... a guy who is one of those "safe" guys that you know you can just dance with and all he wants to do is dance, not hit on you or anything, is out of town.  But there are so many girls just out there dancing by themselves, it doesn't matter a whole lot - we just figured we could do that. It's such a casual place. 

There is another guy that my friend went to high school with that is always there.  He just kind of flits from girl to girl and dances by himself or goes up to the girls dancing by themselves.  He's another harmless guy.  Last night he decided he was going to make everyone jealous and dance with both of us.  My friend and I just happen to be wearing matching T-shirts so he was joking that we were twins and he was living a dream.  It was SO funny. 

There is another guy that comes that is hard to describe - you have to see him.  He seems flamboyantly gay - just with his hand gestures and movements but he is all over the girls. He is just OUT THERE. You want to keep watching him but you don't want to make eye contact because you don't want him to decide to come make you dance with him.  We've wondered before if he was really that way or if it was just an act.  I had a feeling it was an act and we were talking to one of the security guys during a break and it is an act.  Well.... last night I went out of my comfort zone a bit and I danced with him!  And it was cool. It turns out that while he hands his hands all over the girl, what he's really doing is telling you to like keep your upper body still or move your hips... quit thinking and feel the music from the heart... it was like he was a dance instructor telling me what to do.  It was quite cool. He also kept telling me I was sexy.  I was thinking it was all just part of his act, that if he is actually an instructor he tells all the ladies to help boost their ego. 

I am supposed to exercise to help my Fibro but most exercise ends up causing flare ups.  I thinking dancing releases such happy endorphins that it doesn't hurt me.  It also releases stress, because I do try to quit thinking and just feel the music and forget my problems for 4 hours.  

I have some stressful financial stuff to deal with this weekend but I am going back on Saturday with my aunt to introduce her to the place I go to (she lives in Bham and is visiting for the weekend).  The band that is playing does 80's music like Duran Duran, the GoGo's, Madonna, Billy Idol, etc.  I love that music and can't wait to go back!

Now... back to work. Boss has been gone all week and he's here today.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I've found myself in a no blogging mood again.  I pull up the blog screen and stare at it and exit out. 

The Dr said got out her little card that shows your weight & height and pronounced my weight "ideal" but that I shouldn't really lose anymore.  She told me to drink some protein/calorie shake things to make sure I'm getting nutrition. I hate those things.  It's funny, my step-son was here for a week and I went to my MIL's 3 nights in a row for dinner and I gained 3 lbs. The Dr took blood and if nothing turns out bad then you get results in the mail in up two weeks. It's been almost that long and I haven't seen anything so I might have to call.  I have been SO exhausted still.  On the way to work today the thought occurred to me that I am solar powered.  During the summer when the sun and blue sky are out, I have tons of energy and feel so good and then when it gets cold and gray, I feel like a slug and have no energy.  Or does that make me a bear?  Do I need to just hibernate for the winter?  Whatever, I don't like it.  I had to scrape ice off my car windows this morning.  The cold is starting already. 

Karli had Homecoming Saturday and just looked SO beautiful.  She had a day of pampering.  Her big sister traded her work day so that she could spend the day with her little sister getting her ready for the big night.

If I could just solve my money problems, (at least get a handle on them) I think I would be a little more happier.  Feeling pretty depressed at the moment because of them and just not sure of the timing of when to do stuff.  I am blessed with everything else I have in my life but I am going to have to do some pretty tough things very shortly and it's going to make the girls really upset.  We WILL get through it, I just really hate to disappoint, stress them out and upset them.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A little proud moment

This is silly, but just a little proud moment for myself.  Ok two, but they are related. 

I stopped to get gas this morning and as I was putting in my PIN code, I just felt this little proud moment.  This was MY PIN code.  My brand new pin code. This is the first time I've had my own bank account in 20 years. I really did it.  I broke off from my joint account and got my own, that my paychecks go to. At a different credit union.  That just makes me feel so free.  And strong. And independent.

I opened the account 9/9.  I have kept a register since then. 6 weeks.  It has been so many years, I can't even remember, since I actually kept a register.  I've just always looked on-line and did math in my head... and often got into trouble.  I swore to myself that this time I was keeping a register.  So far I have done it.  I just went on-line to get my statement, and my register and my statement MATCH. They RECONCILE. AND this new account earns interest if you have over $500 in our account.  I have made $2.53 so far! Woohoo (and I'm sincere!) I've never earned interest in a checking account before!! 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Losing weight and not feeling good

So, I am sort of in the same boat as Mo. Losing lots of weight because I am not eating.  I'm just not hungry.  I don't think about eating.  Most of the time food doesn't sound good.  I try to make myself eat something in the morning with coffee.  But most of the time I eat a little package of trail mix and a Hansen's smoothie drink at lunch time and that might be about all I eat for the day.  If the girls and I don't eat a dinner together then I often don't think of eating dinner.  But there are times that I do eat and eat a lot. It's like I just have to be in the mood for it.

I've lost a lot of weight this year and am SO happy and enjoying it.  I needed to lose some of the weight for awhile.  I started a medication last year that made me gain a bunch of weight and I had already wanted to lose about 10 lbs before that.  But now I keep losing weight. I had no pants that fit me. Sweetpea has gained some weight (which she needed to do!) and gave several pairs of jeans to Punkers.  Punkers cleaned out her jeans and I tried them on and they all fit!  I have more jeans now than I've ever had in my life! And they were my daughters! hahaha  But all of a sudden, some of them are getting loose on me. "(  I don't want to lose any more weight! In fact, I'd like to gain about 3 lbs. back. Sweetpea is accusing me of liking to be skinny so much that I'm intentionally losing more weight to try to be try to get a guy.  Or that I'm aneorexic.  She keeps telling me how tiny I am and how worried she is.

I also have bruises all over my legs. I've been bruising SO easily.  I started taking Iron, Vit C and Vit B2 about 3 wks ago.  I can only take Iron a couple days a week because my digestive system doesn't like it (even the slow releas stuff).  All of those are supposed to help with bruising but I haven't noticed a difference. 

I have a med check appointment with my Dr on Thursday so I am going to mention it do her.  I want a CBC blood draw done just to make sure everything is all right. I take so many different meds that I think my liver & kidney levels should be checked.  I haven't felt good at all the last 3 days.  It could just be a bug of some sort but combined with the above stuff, it makes me worry a bit.  I have a major headache, stomach pain on the right side (not usual for me) and all over body aches.  My throat hurts a bit and so do sinuses.  I can't tell if its fluish or cold.  I had a temp of 99.5 last night and my normal is 97.6.  I stayed home from work yesterday, knowing that work was going with no phone coverage - that's how bad I felt.

I have a ton of work to do today and I feel like a slug.  I have to do payroll or I might have stayed home again today.  I might go take a nap at lunch time. We have a nice cozy couch and I have a blanky in my car. zzzzzz

Friday, October 14, 2011

Call me crazy

I have felt a little out of sorts this last week and really feeling like I needed to be grounded. I know the weather is kind of yucky, but I was REALLY craving to go to Mukilteo and put my feet in the sand.  Like it was just calling to me.  Yesterday was kind of nice and the pull was strong so at lunch time I went. 

I found a nice place to sit in the sand, took off my shoes and dug my toes in.  My body literally did a shudder of release and felt happiness that reached my soul. The salt air reached in and I swear I can feel it go in and stitch back together the pieces that are falling apart inside make me feel more whole.  Watching the water gently roll onto the beach and just seeing the soothing waves does more to make me feel calmer. The earth, the air and the water touch all five senses in a big way and that equals GROUNDED. I sat there for about a half hour just feeling serenity.  I had brought a small pad in case I felt like writing.  I wrote 3 pages and it was like I wasn't the one writing, is just poured out of me.  I can't tell you what I wrote and I haven't re-read it. I don't know if I will.

I was wondering why all of a sudden this pull, this urge to feel grounded.  Then I was thinking perhaps because I am more open to it.  That I have cleaned up a lot of "stuff" in my house, mind, body & spirit and maybe I can see things more clearly and see/feel what I need to keep me going.  I don't know...just a thought. 

But then again, maybe I am just going crazy? ")

Monday, October 10, 2011


I hate it when I am busy doing something and something flickers through my head... some thought or emotion and I think "I need to blog this" and when I finally have time to sit at the computer, I log on to blog and stare at the screen and ----------------- (that's my brain).  I can. not. think. of. what. to. say.  I HATE IT.

I have not been wanting to stay home Saturday nights.  I think it's a GOOD THING.  I spent so much time laying in my bed.  In pain.  In depression. Now, I am feeling good.  Feeling cute.  Not in very much pain, and I just don't feel like being at home.  I texted Martha and asked if she wanted to go to Big Daddy's.  I looked up the band playing and they looked like they might be fun.  She said SURE. I texted other RahRah's. Deb said maybe, but then said no.  Everyone else said no. But Martha and I had fun.  Martha needed to get away and relax.  I tried to get her out on the dance floor, but she wouldn't bite.  Anyone want to go next Saturday let me know. 

October 28th Big Daddy's is having a costume party with Platinum Spandex playing.  I don't usually really dress up for Halloween.  I have this gypsy costume I wear a lot because it's easy.  The last time I really put any energy into a costume was when I was "Mo the Chicken Killer Bus Driver". I spent some of this weekend working on my costume.  I think I'm either going to be a Fairy or a Madonna 80's type person. Something with a short skirt and short sleeves. Nothing with a hat or anything but normal type make up on the face. I was in Karli's closet. haha.   For the Fairy dress I would wear her 9th grade party dress.  Or she has a blue tutu I would wear with black leggings for the 80's thing. She was an 80's person last year so she has stuff for it. 

I suppose I should go to work now.  At the moment I don't have a lot to do today and that always makes the day d r a g.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Great Quote

My sister-in-law posted this on her FB wall yesterday.  It really hit home with me.  I'm not doing what I want to do. I would have said it fit me about 8 years ago.  I'm in the "haven't found it yet" category.

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do."

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." ~Steve Jobs

Yesterday was hard day

Bubba has had a swollen lip for over a week so I broke down and took him to the vet yesterday.  I am a horrible person.  I have another cat that has been sick off and on forever and I haven't taken him because I think it will cost hundreds of dollars.  I have some medicine that I give him when it gets a little worse that helps a bit. He is 17-18 yr old and I think he has other health issues wrong with him and I think deep down I won't take him to the vet because I don't want to know all of that. But I took Bubba Gump the little autistic kitty (not really, we just call him that).

The doctor gave it some long scary name (granuloma was part of it and that sounds like a cancer name to me) but it means he's got a flea allergy and in the mouth like that, a sore that gets infected could go to his heart so it IS a bad place/way to have a flea allergy. So he got prednisone and he needs to have flea stuff on him every 3 weeks.... forever.  I got flea stuff for all of the animals (except Hope because she is not only allergic to fleas, but she's allergic to the flea stuff too) and I got this spray that is supposed to be really good and on Saturday I have to do the whole house, one room at a time.  It takes 30 minutes to dry and no humans or animals can be in that room while it's wet. Fun.

I got home and had a VM from someone that I've used for 19 yrs telling me they are going to have to send me to collections.  I went to work and a collections agency called me at work.  I put the retainer check in the mail to the bankruptcy attorney.

And I broke down. I need to do it.  I've been planning to do it.  It was just hard and so final to actually put it in the mail.  Now it is done and the next phase starts.

I was going to pay my mortgage with this check but I just remembered that I have to pay insurance.  I need $949 to file bankruptcy.  I had plannned to do it on the 21st but now I am thinking it will be 11/4.

I have this stupid mobility scooter to sell.  I was going to start it to make sure the battery worked because I've heard if they sit too long they die.  I coulnd't find the #$%@$%^ key anywhere.  It wasn't easy, but I was able to order a replacement key for this discontinued scooter.  The day AFTER I ordered it, Kallyn found it $%@. I charged the battery, plugged it in and turned the key.  Nothing.  Oh, well, I take that back - the headlight went on and the back up light will beep but the battery level is a big fat E. A battery costs $60ish.  So, do I buy the battery so I can sell this thing for $300-400 or do I try to sell it saying it needs a new battery?  I want it out of my living room!  And I need the money. Yesterday!

Monday, October 3, 2011

October Horoscope

Ok, I usually call this a Horror-scope and don't usually have much faith in them, but when I read this, I got excited.  Since there are a lot of words, I am going to highlight the stuff that I think pertains to (and excites me.)  There's actually quite a bit I'm not highlighting that I think might pertain to me, but I'm not going to go there...

October 2011 Highlights: Mars in Leo imparts fun, love and creativity to a month that could challenge your patience. Mars squares Jupiter in Taurus on the 3rd, take it slow and avoid frustration when your plans don't work out as you'd hoped. Mercury conjuncts Saturn in Libra on the 6th, your words can have consequences so think things through before speaking. Venus trines Neptune on the 7th, breakthroughs in consciousness could alter the course of relationships now. Sensuous Venus enters sultry Scorpio on the 9th. The Full Moon in Aries on October 11th is a time to stretch beyond our boundaries and embrace the change that brings new energy into our relationships. Resisting change will just make things harder, better to be flexible and adaptable rather than riding the brakes. Allow yourself to let go of duality and you'll find you are more present and willing to focus on now rather than dwelling in the past. Mid month will be trying with Saturn conjunct the Sun; it could also bring unusually cold weather. Mercury enters Scorpio on the 13th; be direct in your communication over the next few weeks. The time has come to hone in and say what you mean without dancing around the issues. Venus opposes expansive Jupiter on the 14th, this could create obstacles in relationships so be willing to make concessions for others. Mercury opposes Jupiter on the 17th, watch what you say to avoid hurt feelings. The Sun trines Neptune on the 21st blocking clarity so be cautious when making decisions now. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd. The Scorpio New Moon on the 26th triggers us to release what we have out grown. Jupiter opposes the Sun and Moon while it trines Pluto bringing transformation to our old ways of being. Mars sextiles Saturn and squares Venus, this will bring lessons in relationships, try to listen and don't get hung up on your ego's defenses. If you are willing to delve in deeply there is a lot of healing that can take place now or the wounds could fester if you won't let go of your old ways of being. Embrace heart centered, higher levels of consciousness to avoid becoming stuck in the mud of blame and inertia. On the 28th Mercury the planet of communication squares Mars the planet of life force and vitality, Jupiter trines Pluto and opposes the Sun expanding the theme of embracing change and releasing the past. This transit encourages us to grow and embrace our potential to create a new life on our own terms. Venus squares Neptune on the 31st making us further shift our consciousness as we let go of what no longer fits us and recognize how far we have come during a year of rapid growth and change.

Aquarius   January 20th - February 18th:  Stay calm and don't over react if challenged by the Mars-Jupiter square at the beginning of the month. You'll achieve the great success this month by formulating a long range plan that includes expanding your education and traveling. You feel on the verge of a new direction in life and it is important to remain focused on your goals and desires in order to achieve what you really want. You are no longer willing to settle for less and will do what it takes to break patterns that have held you back in the past. The Full Moon in Aries gives you the ability to persuade others, this is a good time to come to new levels of agreement with those who are important to you. The New Moon in Scorpio may increase your responsibilities at work, avoid competition and conflict for best results at this time.

Ok, this is almost too funny.  I always read Pisces too since my birthday is on the 2/15, Pisces often seems to fit me better than Aquarius.  My plan is to try to file the bankruptcy by the end of the month.  AND I'm actually planning on dressing up and going to a Halloween party at Big Daddy's to see Platinum Spandex.

Pisces   February 19th - March 20th:  Take care of financial obligations and read over any agreements carefully in order to avoid unpleasant surprises. You will achieve the greatest success by taking care of debts and bring your accounts into balance. Even if the financial freedom that you desire is far off in the future, you will be able to take concrete steps towards creating the security you desire by the actions you take now. The Aries Full Moon brings new insight into how to reorganize your finances and gain more clarity about what you need to do in the future. The Scorpio new Moon could bring conflict with loved ones or coworkers, resulting in depression. Take a deep breath and resolve your differences to avoid ongoing conflict. You could receive unexpected financial opportunities at month's end. Dress-up and enjoy Halloween as you have been taking your problems too seriously.

Friday, September 30, 2011

It's a beautiful day!

So, yesterday at work I was telling my co-worker about needing a $1000 brake job on the Mustang (I really only have 1 co-worker.  There are 4 of us in my office at the moment (there are 5 in the other office).  1 guy is always in the field (until the weather gets bad anyways), my boss, me and my co-worker.  Anyways, I was telling him I was thinking of going back to the Truck and pushing the Stang off a cliff.  He went out and looked at the brakes, said I could away with just pads for now and doing the rotors and calipers later.  That the pads could buy me 6 mos to 2 yrs time.  AND they would only cost about $20.  AND that he would be willing to do it. 

So right this very moment, he is doing my rear brakes.  It was my rear brakes that were metal on metal so he said he'd start there and see if the front brakes needed to be done at a later date (for another $20). And he won't let me pay him. He likes doing this sort of stuff.

He's the same one that upon hearing I was going to take drum lessons, came back from lunch with drumsticks for me.

And before anyone gets any ideas, he's happily married with a genius 7 y/o son.  The kid should be in 2nd grade, but he's in 3rd grade and doing 4th grade math. (in February they moved him from 1st grade to 2nd grade.)  He was playing chess at age 3 (and trying to teach Kal how to play). 

My boss is out today and I am not really in the mood to work. I am ready for the weekend. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

SUNNY Thursday

I don't care if it's only 54 degrees - the sky is totally blue and that does more for my spirit, energy and mood than any caffeinated energy drink will EVER do!

That's really all I have right now.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Saturday was a wonderful wonderful day!   It started by going for a walk around a beautiful lake in Seattle with a dear friend.  I've lived in the area all my life and I've never been there.  AND I hear about people walking, biking, rollerblading around it all the time... but I've never stopped to wonder how far it around it is. I told Jake was going and he said "That's about 2 1/5 miles around the lake you know."  I think my heart skipped a couple beats.  I said, "Oh, it CAN'T be THAT far." right says the little voice in my head?  "Barb says she usually goes around twice." he said "I'm sure she'll cut you a break."  I was still thinking "It CANT be that far, I CANT DO THAT FAR."

I get in the car Saturday morning and turn to Barb and told her that Jake said it was about 2 1/5 miles and do you know what she says to me???? "Actually it's closer to 3."  ohmygodimgoingtodie.  But I did it.  I was limping probably about the last quarter mile as my left side was not happy with me.  But the happy
endorphins were out cheering me on.  Barb told me that I better start walking because next time we ARE going around twice. *whimper* who says there's going to be a next time? JOKING, I will do it. 

Next I went to talk to Jake about financial stuff.  I've been procrastinating doing it, just because I know it will depress him more. Not having a job is hard on the ego and having financial problems just adds to it all.  But having opened a new checking account and having my check deposited there, I have now cut him off from all money.  Something that I have procrastined on all year.  It was hard to do it.  Another step towards moving on.

Then the girls and I went to the opening season game of TBirds Hockey against their arch rival Portland.  It was SO much fun!  We ended up sitting way up high, which doesn't matter viewing wise - there is not a bad seat in the house, it just KILLED the already sore body to walk up and down all the steps and then we were on the end and the people in the middle WOULD NOT STAY SEATED.  There were about 8 people that kept getting up and down all through the game. Not only was it annoying as hell, it was very hard on all of legs to have to keep getting up and down.

We were also honored to be in the presense of  a Medal of Honor recipient - the highest award you can receive.  As the announcer read his story, I just had total body chills and then when he walked out onto the ice in full uniform, it was more so. He threw out the first puck (I don't see how that sounds dirty Mo.)
Here is a story that I found on the ABC
July 13, 2011
Medal of Honor recipient Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry was honored at the Pentagon today for the heroism that cost him his right hand but saved the lives of two of his fellow soldiers.

Petry is only the second living recipient of the nation's highest award for valor in the wars in Afghanistan or Iraq.

Petry lost his right hand on May 26, 2008 during what his platoon commander described as one of the most complex Special Operations raids ever conducted in Afghanistan at the time. A platoon of Rangers was targeting a high-value target hiding in a compound in eastern Afghanistan.

Special Operations forces typically conduct their missions at night, but this mission was more dangerous because it was conducted during daylight. Almost immediately after getting out of their helicopters, the Rangers came under strong enemy fire.

Petry was shot in both of his legs shortly after entering the compound. When a grenade thrown by an Afghan insurgent landed 15 feet from where he and two other Rangers had taken cover, Petry did not hesitate. He lunged to throw it away from them because the blast radius would have likely killed them.

He told reporters today his immediate reaction was "get it out of here, get it away from the guys and myself. And I reached over, leaned over to the right, grabbed it with my hand, and I threw it as hard as I could, what I thought was at the time. And as soon as I opened my hand to let it go, it just exploded instantly. And I came back, and the hand was completely severed off."

Petry said receiving the medal has not changed who he is. "It's a decoration, it's not a depiction of who I am, so I am still me," he said. "The medal is just a decoration that they thought I deserved."  But he described the medal as "a great opportunity to influence positive impact on younger soldiers, children -- walks of all life in our nation."

As a Medal of Honor recipient, he said his message would be to "never forget your fallen heroes who paid the ultimate sacrifice, but embrace the living, those continuing to serve in the uniformed services and those overseas continuing in the fight."

Though he struggled with a decision about whether to remain in the Army after his injury, he is glad he chose to remain and become a liaison to wounded warriors.  WHAT A GUY! He sat in a Suite right behind us.  He's cute too!

ALSO, Stephano Langone from Americal Idol sang the National Anthem.  Too bad we lost 3-6.  But it was a very great day.  I'm having trouble moving today (2nd day is always most painful and the rain does not help) But I would not change anything I did!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


It breaks my heart when my children are hurting and unhappy.  I want to wrap them up in a cocoon from the world... but one of them needs to break out of the cocoon she is in and face the world.  She is terrified to and that is why she is hurting, she has also been hurt over and over again by people she trusts and so now she has built tall walls.  I keep praying and praying for her.  I pray that someone out there in the great Universe hears my prayers.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Mother in law Bday and feeling melancholy

Still feeling that up and down weirdness.  I. Do. Not. Like. It.

Yesterday was a birthday party for my mother in lawa and her twin sister.  They usually go out of town for their birthday and meet up with their other 2 sisters that live in California, but I guess my MIL's sister wanted to be in town for their 75th bday.  (they left this am for their 5 day trip).  My MIL had called a couple weeks saying that she wanted more than anything for me and the girls to be there.  I said OF COURSE.  They are and have been my family for 20 years. 

So why did it feel so weird?

They are the most loving, accepting people in the world.  It took me awhile when I first started coming around to be comfortable with them all because EVERYONE hugs you when you come into the house and it takes at least a half hour to get out the door because everyone has to hug you before you leave.  I didn't grow up with that much affection and touching. It doesn't matter who you are, you are accepted as one of them if someone brings a new person around. It never matter one bit that I was 10 years younger.   Not one single person treated me differently.  In fact, if anything, I am more the accepted one because some people realize I have made some um... positive choices/changes where he has not.  They don't look down on me for what I have done. 

So why the weirdness?   I just felt weird being at a family function with Jake... not in a family way.  We came separately, we left separately.  We did sit and talk about our daughters, but it was all kind of .... sad for me. It really hit me hard  I sat there wondering if I really did fit in there anymore.  Wondering if I could do this again.... go to a "family" function where I was not really, yes but no at the same time, part of the family. 

Then this morning on FB I got a "family" request from Jake where you put in your family relationship like son or daughter, cousin etc ... I thought "WTH?" does he REALLY expect me to link myself as his wife?  I ignored the request.  I already changed my status about a month ago so that I didn't show up at the top of the page as being in a relationship as the wife of Xxxx. 

Friday, September 16, 2011


Oh Martha, you should have texted me! I wasn't on the computer after about 4:45.

Mo, I will have you know that I have had 2 guys compliment me on my dancing in the last week. : D  I have always been self conscience of my dancing, worried that I DO dance like Elaine Benes. I have felt awkwards in the past but lately I have been feeling more in the groove, but still have no idea what I look like, so having some compliments sure makes me feel better. (A little ego boost never hurts.) Put the 29th on your calendar. They start at 9 and the first set is done about 10 if you don't want to stay late (they play til midnight). Kamakazees, Blue Lagoons (what Kelly Jo drinks) and Lemon Drops are $3. I have no idea what is in any of those.  I mostly just drink water.  Kelly's divorce support group had a "meet up" so there were a lot of people there and I found someone to dance with all night. I thought I was safe from being hit on... but I did get asked out at the end of the night. I politely declined. Nice dancer, but SO not my type.
Tonight my daughters and I are house sitting for a friend and having a girls night.  Our friend has a HUGE flat screen TV on her wall , a million movies and a huge, comfy sectional couch.  A very nice way to end the week.  Tomorrow is my mother-in-law's 75th birthday and Sunday we are going over to her twin's house for a family get together. 
I guess I better get back to work.  *yawn*

Thursday, September 15, 2011

RoLlEr CoAsTeR

My emotions have been on a roller coaster this week. And I guess the week is dragging because Tuesday's blog feels like I wrote it last week. I am happy one moment, sad another and grumpy or pissed of another.  I WANT to be happy. I am fighting and struggling to stay happy.

I have talked to the Bankruptcy attorney, got his paperwork in the mail.  I had misundestood and thought I only needed a little $ to get started.  I need a little to retain him and be able to start throwing his name around to creditors, but I need a LOT to actually file.

I got the new bank account too.

But all of a sudden I feel like I'm "stuck" again.

I've got a daughter doing driver's ed and picking her up from where she's taking it 3 days a week doesn't get me home from work until 6:45.  I don't like that much. At least that is only until October 7th.   My other daughter is having personal issues (is it still "personal" when it affects everyone around you?) that breaks my heart and I just want so much to see her happy and pain free.

Then there is also something going on with me that only a couple people know. That I just can't share right now.  It's kind of making my brain crazy though. A mixture of making me happy and driving me crazy.  Almost more on the driving me crazy side.

And then there is dancing.  I really like dancing and wish I could go more than once or twice a week.  Tuesday when I was feeling really down, that is what I wanted to do more than anything was go to the dancing place in Woodinville that I go to.  I wish I was brave enough to go by myself or that more of my friends would go out with me.  That's what I'm doing tonight and I just cannot wait!! That is what is getting me through today. I'm going dancin to Disco tonight! (it is better than it sounds - really!)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I've got the blues

I'm not happy today and I don't know why and that when happens, it just makes me sadder.  Today its made me a little pissed off because I don't WANT to be sad damn it. 

So I'm a pissed off sad person. 

But I keep forcing a smile on my face.  I sort of sound like a Chucky doll.  A smiling, pissed off sad person. I'd be scared of me if I were you.

It blame it on the gray... which sort of makes me anxious, because I know the sun is running out and gray season is coming soon.  I think I really need to invest in one of those sun/light bulb things you can buy for your house if you have SAD (seasonal affective disorder)... the Northwest is a horrible place to live if you have that.


Monday, September 12, 2011


Karli got her permit on Saturday.  She was SO excited.  She had scheduled her first drive for today so she needed to practice as much as possible.  I let her drive for about an hour before I'd had enough. ") 

Then, Bobbie and I got to go see Plantinum Spandex,  Oh how I love those guys!!! They are having a costume party Oct 28th and I haven't the slightest idea what to wear, but I have to go!  We spent quite a bit of time planning Bobbie's costume.  It's brilliant.  Big Daddy's has become my new favorite place. I really do like dancing.  It is just a way to get some emotion and stress out.  I feel like I probably look like a dork out there, but I am having fun!  I'm going again on Thursday.  The girls are not too happy about me going out so much.  I've tried to explain that I just feel alive and don't feel like sitting at home like I have been doing forever.  I feel like it's only because of the sun and nice weather and when the gray and rain comes that I won't have this energy and will be back to the bedroom.  I just want to enjoy this alive feeling while I can. I am hoping that it's because I've lost all this weight and feel better about myself and I'm making some positive, forward moving choices in my life... but I just don't know.  

Sunday we went to a 1st birthday party that was out of this world.  I'm sure it cost a couple thousand dollars.  They rented a building on Alki beach.  There was a bounce house and a clown that painted faces, did a magic show and blew up balloons.  The food was catered and it was all gourmet, fancier than I have ever eaten.  There was a champagne fountain, along with punch and soda and beer.  Everything was pink.  Pink plastic champagne glasses, pink plates, napkins, cups, plasticware.  The tables had white cloths with hot pink table runners and the chairs were black.  My cousin (the 1 y/o's momma) was wearing a hot pink skirt, white blouse and black belt - she totally matched! OH, the cake looked more like a wedding cake than a kid cake.  There were miniature gumball machines for the parting gift for the kids and this crystal ornament for the adults. But there was also all this candy for this kids.  Fancy flower arrangements on each table.  Just amazing.

We left there before it was over to go to a BBQ at my brother's house.  He's been fishing up a storm.  I love salmon!  I think I'm having another drum lesson on Wednesday.

I haven't slept too well the last couple nights so I'm really tired right now.  It's going to be an early night.  I just hope I can sleep instead of waking up every hour.

Phone call from Heaven

I just read what I last blogged...and my mind MUST have been jumbled because I forgot something important from Friday! 

In my cell contacts I have my mom listed as "mom" and my step-dad's phone is listed as "Geoff".  When he past away, my mom started using his phone because she was having trouble with hers. I haven't changed the contact names because it just makes me feel a little close to him to see his name pop up on my cell when she calls.

Friday I went to leave for work and grabbed my cell phone and saw that I had missed a call from "mom" at 7:14.  I thought it was really weird that she would call me on that phone.  I call it right back and got no answer.  I thought it must be an accidental dial so I didn't call her other #.   I talked to her later in the day and asked why she called me so early and she said she didn't.  I said yes, she did, and it was from her old phone.  She said that was impossible, that phone was dead in the desk drawer.  She hadn't used it since we came home from the hospital.  I came over later and I showed her the missed call on my phone and she showed me the dead phone.  (The problem with the phone is that it wouldn't hold a charge.)  We were just looking at each other.  I said "I wonder if he was trying to tell me something, or was just saying hi."   We are both convinced that Geoff called me.  She wants to know what would have happened if I had answered the call.

Friday, September 9, 2011


I opened my first solo checking account in over 20 years.  Another milestone for me.  I keep making little ones.  See, I've been posting postive things!  My mind is back and forth between clear and knowing what it wants and a jumbling, confused, neurotic mess.

I think my eldest is making herself sick with stress... now where did she get THAT from? She gets this painful rash on her legs when she's really stressed... like her stress comes out her pores.  Now Wednesday her right knee is swollen and she had no idea why.  Last night it was REALLY swollen.  I keep telling her to relax and deep breath.  Meditate.  What she really needs to do is call a couple colleges and make appointments to talk to the advisors.  And I think she is making herself sick over it.  (kinda like I was making myself sick by not calling the bankruptcy attorney)  But HER sick is even worse with her nerve disorder (5 years ago today was that life altering soccer game).

My mind is in that jumbled, confused mess right now.  Too many things going on.  Most for the good, but that doesn't seem to calm the brain. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Oh my

Karli did start Driver's Ed yesterday.  I wasn't expecting her to take it until around December, when she turns 15 1/2 but this sort of just fell in our laps on Monday.  The class costs about $200 less than I thought a class would be. The deal has been that Karli has to pay half of the class and she just happens to have the money for all of it right now, so she paid it all and I owe her.  When I signed her up online yesterday all of a sudden I had tears in my eyes.  My baby is taking driver's ed.  She is the "baby" of her friends and her Sophomore class.  One of her best friends has already turned 16, one turns 16 next month and another in Nov. Karli JUST turned 15.  It is hard on mom.

I have a 30 minute phone consultation with a bankruptcy attorney at 6 pm today.  I am actually a bit excited... and very nervous.

I need brakes on the Mustang badly and the quote we have from our usual car place seems high so today Jake was supposed to take it to 1, maybe 2 other places for quotes.  I was going to very carefully drive the uninsured truck to work.  Best laid plans.

First I wake up with a migraine. On a day when I have to do "prebills" at work, which quite often gives me a migraine.  It's leaning over the desk staring at excel spreadsheets and manually adding up and doing math - all very old fashioned and bass-ackwards, but how my boss wants it done. *sigh*  ANYWAYS, I take a bunch of meds (including sudafed, sinus's are KILLING ME).  Get in the truck and drive off... about 20 feet.  Thumpity, bumpity, Thumpity, bumpity OH MY GOD, DO NOT TELL ME I HAVE A FLAT! Stop the truck, get out and sure enough, flat tire.  Turn truck around, cursing up a storm.  Transfer everything out. Get in the Mustang.  Text Jake. 

I was actually 5 minutes early for once... now, 10 minutes late. Thank you very much.

Migraine?  Still there but not as bad as it was.  I am leaving at 1:45 today to take Karli to the DR for a check up for her back and then to PT.  THEN I get to go to Applebees AGAIN!  3rd Wednesday in a row.  I can't stay too long though, because now I get to talk to an attorney.  Yay me....  At least I will be there long enough to to fill out that $25 gift certificate form, cuz it's my turn to win!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Very nice weekend

Saturday was Karli's Daughter's Day.  She told me in June that all she wanted for Daughter's Day was to go up in the Space Needle.  She has never been up in it because she is afraid of heights but she did this rope climbing thing in June that was very scary for her and she conquered it and that gave her the courage to think she could do the Space Needle.  I don't believe I have been up in it since prom night.

Her Daughter's Day happens to fall during Bumbershoot and I didn't think we could get to it and I told her so.  She was slightly disappointed but asked if we could do it the following weekend.  But during the week when I was planning daughter's day, I looked it up and found out it was not "in the Bumbershoot fenced area".  Yay! Karli also wanted to see the "Gum Wall" at Pike Place.  Something I had never heard of until about 3 months ago but is evidentally a huge deal and her friends couldn't believe she had never seen it. (I'm so sorry we didn't take Donna to see it... she missed the chance to see a wall of colored saliva.) So I decided to surprise her.  We took the bus to Seattle, saw the gum wall and Pike Place, walked to the monorail and took it to the Space Needle.  When she found out that she COULD  actually go up in the Space Needle she freaked out..... until we got there.... and she looked up.... and up... and up... she said she was sorry but she couldn't do it after all.  She thought she could, but it was taller in person than it was in her mind.  I told her not to worry about it. (I really had NO desire to go up in it anyways, it was all for her!)  We had been saying on the way there that maybe next Daughter's Day we would ride The Ducks since we've talked about that for years and years and have never done it.  When she decided not to do the Space Needle a light bulb went of and I said LET'S DO THE DUCKS!  So we did.  It was great fun. I liked the water portion the best. Now we need to do it with Kallyn.  Then we stopped to watch this cute (shirtless) guy play bucket drums and he asked Karli to take one of his cards and Facebook him.  He asked her what her name was.  She thought THAT was the best part of her entire day! ; )

I did some more cleaning off and on.  2 boxes of recycle as I went through more papers.  Bill receipts and medical insurance slips from 2007.  That alone was about a whole box. I found stuff from 2004... I have always kept all records of payments I've made.  It felt good to shred stuff - oh yeah - the 2 boxes doesn't include the shredding! I took out a garbage bag of shredded stuff too! 

I am currently waiting for a call back from a bankruptcy attorney (i left a msg on Friday but then I found out he took a long wkend)

I am currently waiting for a phone call back from a Driving school.  There's a possibility Karli might start Driver's Ed TODAY. *gulp... shudder*  She is going to pay for most of it. If not today then October 11th. I wouldn't be ready then either...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm driving my MUSTANG!!!


I do NOT like the weather we are having.  It's making my body ache and I've been doing SO good for the last couple of weeks.  It's also wreaking havoc on my mental state.  I don't like that. I thought my mental state was because of all I've been doing and now I'm starting to wonder if it was all purely sun and blue sky induced.  If so, I definitely need to move to California...

I've been doing cleaning here and there. I tackled this box that's been by my bed accruing papers in it (Since Sept 2010 was the bottom dated paper).  I shredded, sorted and filed and it took me FIVE hours that I will never get back.  I took 4 garbage bags to the NW Center of things I've collected since they stopped at the house and picked up a mountain of stuff.

I got the money from cashing out my IRA and gave myself a $500 max budget to get the Mustang on the road.  Saturday I went to the DOL and to my pleasant surprise, it was only $193 to get it licensed and transfer title (that should have been done last July).  I was thinking if it was anything less than $350 then I was good.  Fix a flat worked on the tire - YAY.  Jake put a new battery in it and it started up - YAY.  And then... he tried to drive it and it didn't want to move.  It didn't want to get out of first gear. It finally did move after several minutes of trying.  It would drive fine, but if you stopped it, then it didn't want to go again.  BOO.  So today it went to the shop.  Fingers, toes and b00bs crossed that it just needed new filters and maybe a transmission flush.  It HAD been sitting since January.  Jake called and said that they were 75% sure that flushing the transmission and doing something else would work. For $350.  Gas mileage and insurance are both about half the cost so it will pay for itself in the long run.  We decided to gamble. *gulp*  I am still waiting to hear.

Here is the picture on my desktop at work to remind me of where I am going next July!  This is Kamaole Beach, where the condo is.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hawaii 2012

The RahRah's made a serious, handshake, no-going-back pact last night that we are going to Hawaii next year. Even if we are dead.  At least me anyways.  If I die, they are taking some of my ashes to Hawaii to spread in the ocean, then tossing a lei over them.  Then I will have been lei'd in Hawaii ; )   I've never been to Hawaii and I want to go... dead or alive...

I told the guy at work that I always talk to and he's spent the morning over my shoulder on Google Maps showing me all over the island and telling me stuff to do.  He wanted to look up the condo and see where it was. He was looking up the airfare.  He seems very excited for me.  I saved one of the pics of the beach from the condo as my desktop. ")  It seems too far off (and money I don't have) to be a reality but it also seems like something fun to shoot for.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I got a mortgage loan modification!

It wasn't as much as I was hoping for... but I guess any help is help right?  It is only $200 less and I was hoping for $300-400 less.  BUT I was also told it could only be for 3 months and I got it for 6 months. It started in June (which is how far back I am in owing).   The news that freaked me out a bit is that I have to come up with $945 by Aug 31st. That is in 1 week.  I get paid Friday and that is my whole check.  I freaked out for a minute and then I realized that I didn't mail bills yesterday.

I take the max out of my check every year ($5,000) for the Flexible Spending Account ($200 a payday).  It is tax free and our family uses the whole thing before the year is over. Sad, I know. And I couldn't afford to pay the deductibles and copays if I couldn't just go to work and get reimbursed from the FSA (I write myself the checks :).  I had just gotten the bills for Karli's orthodics and Kallyn's PT and a couple other things so I got a check for $1124 last Friday.  SO I COULD PAY THESE DR BILLS.  Well, the first thing I did over the weekend was go grocery shopping. And bought gas. I kept putting off paying these bills. Yesterday I went upstairs at lunch and made myself pay these bills before the money was all gone.  I spent $800, out of the like $1500 owed, paying some people only $50 just to give them money.  But I did pay the orthodics off completely $469. I wanted that one DONE.  I need to leave work at 4:55 to get over to the Post Office in time.  Of course yesterday I was in the middle of a project and could NOT leave work on time.  I left at 5:20.  So the bills and the work mail did not get mailed.  There is a post office that is open until 6 but I have to drive 3 miles out of my way and it didn't even occur to me to do that yesterday.   Thank god.

So, after panicking for about 5 minutes about having to come up with $945 within the week, I remembered that I had't mailed those bills. Bills that really need to be mailed.  But my house has to come first. I keep debating even paying a couple of them if I am going to file bankruptcy but it is SO hard to NOT pay my bills. It is ingrained in me to be responsible.

I asked for the rest of one my IRA's a week ago and I haven't heard boo.  I asked for them to email or fax the papers.  Yesterday I faxed the request again and put a note that I was doing it in case they hadn't gotten the first request because I hadn't heard anything.  I am pretty sure I asked for fax or email for Jake's and they mailed the papers, but it was worth a try.  I need that money.  With that I can pay the orthodics bill.  That money is dwindling already and I haven't even gotten it yet. *sigh*

Mo, I am pretty sure that Alaska USA Credit Union is the one that just screwed my mom over in a huge way on a car loan.  They told her they would give her 45 days to sell the car after my dad died (she was 2 months behind on payments) and while they were telling her that, they sent a repo guy to her house to try to take the car. He was a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man that harrassed and taunted her.  We had a pretty intense, awful couple days. I am going to call her today and ask her. 

RAH RAHs tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!