Thursday, August 19, 2010

20th Anniversary of our 1st Date

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of our first date. Since we got married on the 4th of July and consider it a family day, we have always acknowledged our 1st date anniversary as "our" date. We are not your traditional people. ") Kallyn was 7 months old and was my Maid of Honor and Jason was 8 and the Best Man. We considered it more of all of us becoming a "family" than just a union of Jake and I. Being on the 4th, everyone celebrates with fireworks. In fact, the whole country celebrates our anniversary!

We went to the Outback and had yummy Shrimp on the Barbie. OMG. I love that stuff! It made me think of being in New Orleans. I had a small steak and baked potato. I love their remoulade sauce. I have to try to recreate it myself. I ate every bite on my plate. It was delicious. Jake couldn't finish all of his and got a to go box. I felt like a pig but didn't care.

It was Karli's 2 month anniversary w/her boyfriend (isn't that cute?). They went to see Vampires Suck and said it was a pretty good movie. I asked if it was better than Dance Flick - because that movie almost made me pee my pants - and they both agreed that while it was good, Dance Flick was much better. I want to see it but I will wait til it comes out on DVD.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My little happiness for the day

You have to take the little bits of happiness where you can get them. I went to Freddy's at lunch time. Our bathroom scale died awhile ago and it is really bothering me to not have one, so I went to buy a cheap one.

Weeeelllll, Jake, Kallyn and I all have these comfy 5x6 Down throw blankets. Karli is the one that gave Jake his for Christmas about 2 yrs ago. She made a comment then that she felt a little left out because she didn't have one. Now mind you, she has a MILLION blankets in her room. She and Kallyn both have a fettish for throw blankets and their Nana buys them all the time. BUT, ever since she said that, I have kept my eye out for one and have not been able to find one ANYWHERE. So today I was peaking around and what I saw is actually a twin comfortor, but it was on clearance. Instead of 34.99, it was 27.97. I should NOT be spending money AT ALL, but with the funky mind frame I am in, I can't seem to help myself. She has her special Daughter's Day coming up and I thought I would buy it for her as her "Good Morning - it's Daughter's DAy" gift. Justification. GUESS WHAT? I got up to be rang up and right under the 27.97 I saw the same blanket #'s & name and then 11.19. It looked to me like there was an addiotional charge. Like they were trying to cheat me and it wasn't on clearance THEN I realized - it was an additional 11.19 OFF! All clearance was an extra 40% off. Yay!! I told the checker that made me feel a little better about spending money I shouldn't be spending in the 1st place.

So, it is a little thing. But it made me SO happy. I am crazy, I know.


I woke up in the middle of the night shivering. The wind was blowing and the noise it was making made me think it was raining too. It was 91 yesterday and they are saying the high today is going to be 71. I thought we were going to have a day or two of 80's before we went to 70.


I am not an acclimater (I made that word up). I have long sleeves on today and goose bumps. My head hurts a little more and my body is stiff. My sciatic (nerve from my lower back, down my leg to my ankle) tends to burn more when the temperature changes swiftly. I had a bone spur removed from my ankle in 2003 but I went through almost a year of pain in the ankle before they figured out what was wrong - that ankle aches something fierce when the weather changes quickly or it's too cold outside. The gray, cold, overcast is my enemy but Jake thinks I am joking when I talk about moving to California. I am getting more and more Serious. Thinking San Diego.

I am feeling a scooch better mentally than yesterday. There is not much worse to me than feeling mentally off and having no idea why. It just makes feeling "off" even worse. I went to Target at lunch and went through the clothes section. I tried on some jeans and bought a pair. I needed a new pair. Can I afford them? No. So of course I feel guilty. But Jake's response was "Good! You deserve to buy yourself something." Then Karli told me that I looked really hot in them. She said her mommy was wearing skinny jeans and looked really hot. She thought I was so cool. That was a good ego boost. I also bought this really cute light weight sweater thing that is waist length in the front and longer in the back and a t-shirt on clearance. I declared it my back-to-school outfit ")

I am seeing my aunt (she is 18 mo younger than me and was my childhood/teenage yrs best friend) on Saturday and am pretty excited. She is starting to go through the divorce process and is not having a good time. They are not actually married but have been together for 16 yrs and have a 4 y/o. He has been sick and now seems to be a little insane. She needs a girls night. We are going to see Eat Pray Love. I think I need a RahRah night soon too. Maybe once school starts and routines are more normal. is there a normal?

Shana - you have never had a snickerdoodle cookie? or even heard of it? maybe Canadians call it something else. Cindy??? It is like a sugar cookie but it is rolled in cinnamon & suger before it is cooked. Many people thing they should be crispy but I like mine really soft. Children's Hosptial doesn't make them, they buy these cookies, of all varieties from someplace and they are all reeaallly soft. They are the large kind that are like 5 inches in diamater. When I make them at home, I love to roll the dough in the cinnamon & and just eat it like that. YUM!

ok... back to work...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Not in a good mental space

I left work yesterday feeling VERY cranky and ended up fighting with both girls. I didn't think I said anything to set them off but they both ended up being VERY disrespectful to me and I really over-reacted. I cried myself to sleep. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I am not sure why. I am thinking it is possibly due to sort of detoxing my body. I kind of feel like when I had to wean off the celexa to go on the cymbalta.

17 days without gluten (mostly, there was that 1 snickerdoodle). I realized yesterday that over the weekend I ate an ice cream cone w/out even thinking about it. Did I beat myself up when I realized it? No. I said "I am human, I am going to make mistakes." Going to the store is really hard for me and I went to Sam's Club yesterday. Maybe that is what set off my crankiness. Once I smell the bread and see all the frozen foods that ALL have wheat or breaded yummy things, it sets me off. My whole body craves it like a crack whore craves her drug.

I have also cut way back on caffeine. I have my travel mug on the way to work and that's it. Usually when I get to work I will drink about 3 more cups of coffee and then in the afternoon I have a can of coke. The last week or so I either don't even have the coke or I drink half and poor the rest out. It doesn't even taste that good.

Since Friday I have only taken 1 pain pill instead of the usual 1-2 a day. I also went 3 days without taking my nerve pills and I usually take 2 a day. I was out but Jake has them and he would have given some to me, but I didn't really feel like I needed them. Is it because of not having gluten? Is it the cutting down on caffeine? Is it because of the heat? My body really does like the heat. This weekend when the temp drops 25 degrees from last weekend, my body will revolt. Ugh. I have also started taking 3 new supplements the neurologist suggested for my head. It maybe helping my body, but not my head.

That is the main reason for not taking any pain pills - to see if it might help my head. There is such a thing as rebound headaches where taking pain pills actually CAUSES headaches. Nope. Head still hurts. On a scale of 1-10, I have been walking around with about a 5 at all times for at least the last week (after I got over the 5 day migraine.)

So, I am trying to help myself. Trying to make a change. Trying to feel better. Sometimes though, I just wonder "what is the point?" Why are we here? Why am I here? Am I just supposed to do this same thing for 40-50 more years? Live through shit after crisis after BS? Why?

Friday, August 13, 2010


Yesterday was a pretty good day.

Kallyn's Cardiology appt went well. She and I really liked the Dr. He explained things well and said he see's 4-5 teenage girls a wk w/her symptoms. It's sort of a common thing. He gave us some website info for Dysautomonia and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). Which is basically the Autonomic Nervous System not working correctly. So great, because RSD is the Sympathetic Nervous system not working correctly - so basically her whole Fbleeping Nervous System is screwed up. She can help it a bit w/diet change and lessen the attacks w/how she handles them. They did an EKG and Echogram as well and all looked good.

Then she had an appt w/her counselor that she was not looking forward to. She wanted me to come in w/her but her counselor would not let her. Next week is the last one w/this counselor and then she is getting referred to a counselor outside of Children's. Aging out of Children's they call it.

Then there was another appointment - a final appointment for something we've been dealing with and it went the best possible route it could go, so that was SO WONDERFUL!! Instead of being there for an hour or maybe 2, we where there for 3 1/2, so that was not so wonderful.

It was a verrry long day. We left the house at 7:00 and got home at 4:30 - after running all over the place.

Oh, and except for 1 snickerdoodle cookie on Monday (Children's Hospital has THEEEE best Snickerdoodles) - I have gone 13 days without Gluten/Wheat!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It is an aneurysm!

Be careful all those times you joke about having an aneurysm Mo, you might actually be walking around with one!

Yes. I. have. an. aneurysm. But guess what, it is small enough that they don't care and don't want to do anything about it. Just let me walk around with it. Sitting right behind my right eye.

So.... I went to Bellevue, which I hate. There are 2 hospitals on the Eastside (not Seattle - TONS in Seattle) one in Belleuve, the other in Kirkland. Lots of Doctors offices around each and in each. All of mine are in Kirkland. I've had my kids in Kirkland, my surgeries in Kirkland. It is just my comfort zone and Bellevue is just a traffice nightmare.

So I walk in and the receptionist hands me this flyer to read on carotid artery problems and surgeries and says the doctor will talk to me about this when I see her. So I read it and almost break out bawling in the waiting room. Remember, I am building up for this huge breakdown? It has almost come out a couple times in the last few days and it was starting to build up just going up the elevator - then she hands me this very scary flyer. When the Dr walks in she takes a look at me and asks if I am ok. I told her not really, that I had a migraine and that the pamphlet was very scary and that I really didn't know why I was there. She took the pamphlet from me and said it was for old people and not for me. She said she was going to explain why I was there.

I told her about being told about an abnormality and then seeing the referral card that said aneurysm. She said "Well, you do have an aneurysm." But she went on to explain that it was tiny. That it was 3 cm and they don't typically burst until 7-10 cm. I have less than 1/2% of it bursting. But it is good to know that it is there so that I can be followed and watched. BUT she is not the one to do that. Because of the location, I need to see a Neurosurgeon. She said he will probably just want to monitor it every year or two. okey dokey. OH and it is not doing anything that could cause my headaches. @#%#$@$

So I left there and the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I went to a neurologist, who had me have an MRI. The neurologist's office said I had an aneurysm and needed to see a vascular Dr. The vascular Dr read the report, scheduled an appt with me, only to tell me that I needed to see a neurosurgeon - which there are 3 of in the neurologist's office.

So - shouldn't the neurologist's office been able to tell that I just needed to see a neurosurgeon? OR if not, shouldn't the vascular Dr, after reading the MRI report just called the frickin neurologist's office back and said that she wasn't the person I needed to see? Why waste my time and MONEY to go all the way to see her? It has to be about the money. She had no way to bill for her precious time reading the MRI report, so she had to have me come in. So now I will get two bills. One for her reading the report and one for an office consultation. I got to pay a $30 copay, miss time from work and get to pay 20% for 2 bills to find out that I have to go see a different Dr. Lovely.

And I am walking around with an aneurysm.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Just cut off my head please

I can't take much more of this headache.

I had another "episode" Friday. I hadn't had one in 2 months. I thought I was all done but I had one driving home from work and it was pretty scary. I felt like I was in a video game, not reality. I wanted to pull over but I envisioned crashing into a wall like in a video game so I just stayed straight on the road. I just about crawled into the house and Jake dumped me into bed. It was 5:15 and the next time I woke it was midnight. I had a raging migraine that lasted all weekend and really has not gone away yet - though I have managed to go to work.

Today I see the Vascular doctor at 2 (in fricken B3LL3VU3 - I hate going to that place). The lady who called me about my MRI from the neurologist office said "There is an abnormality in your right carotid". She then said after she faxed the referral to the vascular Dr she would stick it in the mail to me as it had the directions to their office on it. Fine. I get the mail and kinda hope it has some mumbo-jumbo MRI report that I can try to read along with the referral so I rip it open. It is just the referral slip. The only thing written on it? Aneurysm in right carotid. not abnormality. A N E U R Y S M. WTF? No stress. No stress.

I know it might be nothing.... but I have not been feeling right at all. I feel like something is wrong with me and I have been scared. Not just stressed or worried, but scared.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Vascular Dr Appt

So, the good news is that they said I am not in any danger. I don't need any other tests; at the moment at least. I have an appointment next Tuesday at 2 with the Dr. The receptionist said that she would talk to me, go over the results and what it means and tell me what to look out for. What ever that means!! I am still curious as hell what. it. is. that. is. wrong. with. me.

It hit me this morning. I was joking that I was having an MRI so they could see if they could see my brain. Well - they found it and it's abnormal! Duh!

Did you know that people with migraines are at a higher risk for having a stroke? Did you know that STRESSSSSSSSSSSS can cause a stroke? Did you know that they were testing to see if those "episodes" I had were TIA's - or mini strokes? Do you know that I have migraines and do not know how to NOT be stressed??? Deep breath Demery.

I should be more relaxed. They are not worried. Nothing that dangerous. BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, AND I STILL. DO. NOT. It is the not knowing that bugs me. How can I google it without knowing? 5 more days.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


It's funny, I got up this morning all excited because it was Friday. What the hell was I thinking?

I called the Vascular Dr office at 9 because no one had called me yet. She said they had received the referral but the Dr was waiting to see my MRI report. She would review that and decide if I needed to have an ultrasound or if she could just see me and treat me. I should be getting a phone call later today to be able to schedule SOMETHING and it shouldn't take very long to get in either way. So.... part of me thinks I should feel better if it is something she could possible just see me and treat me for. So, why do I feel like I am a walking, ticking bomb ready to explode and die? I feel like I have this big "thing" in my neck and it's going to explode. I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW .... but I also know that I haven't felt right....for awhile. Maybe this will have something to do with the fact that I can hardly use my right hand. I know it's probably Fibro in my hand, but since it's the right side, maybe it's related. I know it does no good to speculate. But I can't help it. It is hard to not worry.

4:34 pm Still waiting for someone to call me!!! *grumble...sigh*

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A rant, a coincidgod and a ohgodwhatnow?

I was going to come here and rant how much I hated the terrible horrible MRI on my head and to say that I am never EVER ever going to have another one EVER .... without pain killers and sedatives beforehand anyways. I thought I had had an MRI on my head before but I am sure now I would have remembered that HELL before.

The nice man that runs the MACHINE FROM HELL put earplugs in my ears, then put a shield around my head and tucked foam in around my head between my head and the shield - he said all to help block out the noise.


The test was to be 35 minutes all together but broken up into pieces... he'd say "this test will be one minute." This test will be 3 minutes." Then he said. "This is the longest test, it will be 7 minutes." It went on and on and on. I had tears running down my face. I thought my head was going to explode. These noises sounded like drills and jackhammers. Take the drill at the dentist's office and magntify it x100. No. Kidding. I had a headache going into it. When he wheeled me out, I was nauseous, the room was spinning. I had a migraine. I went home, called in sick and spent the rest of the day in bed.

COINCIGOD (because I don't really believe in coincidences)
I was waiting in the waiting room (how aptly name eh?) for the hell to happen and all the Doctors had a framed Bio on the wall with a picture and where they went to school, their philosphy and their "special interest" if they had one. I get to my doctor's - I've only been to him once, so I wanted to read it, and one of his special interest's is - get this -
So, um... ya, Kallyn has an appointment with him at the end of the month. When I made the appt, I found out that the Dr was gone for a month, so I didn't expect to hear back for awhile on the MRI... so I was surprised when I got a call today..........

Yep, I got a call that there was an abnormality in the right coratid. on the right coratid? not sure of the terminology. Just know that I need to go see a Vascular Dr. She told me she was faxing a referral over, along with the MRI report and to wait about 30 min to call. I waited 45 looooong minutes for good measure and did they have it yet? NO. hold hold hold while she double checked. How do I spell my name again? Hold hold hold - nope. She would call me when they go it. 45 minutes later - nothing. My right eye has been on fire all day. burning like crazy. I don't see anything wrong with it. I keep trying to rinse it with water and it almost hurts more. Could it be related? Am I just crazy? The eye has actually been bugging me off and on for about 2 weeks but today is the worst.

I am just so done. so so done.