Thursday, December 30, 2010

No blogs

No, I haven't blogged. I haven't read blogs. I just felt the need to stay away for awhile. I thought that I would be blogging every step of the way but so far things have just felt too personal to really put out there. I am not having an easy time. I do not want to get divorced. I want everything to be like it was about 10 years ago. I want my husband. My best friend. My companion that I was going to grow old with. But that's not going to happen. I can't seem to stop crying for the last 2 weeks. We have spent a lot of time together the last week and that is very very very hard.

I can't imagine ever finding someone else. Ever trusting someone. Letting the walls down. There are so many creeps out there. Then to make matters worse. To screw with my head and heart and emotions. I saw my first love on Tuesday. I haven't seen him in almost 20 years. I gave him my cell phone # in October and he texted me out of the blue Tuesday. I was O V E R J O Y E D. I met him for a quick lunch, but we couldn't eat. All we could do was stare at each other. The chemistry was still there. Or was it? Was it just because I would like to be 17 and carefree again? I don't know. I told him I was getting divorced and he told me he was getting married... on SUNDAY!! I truly don't think I could ever be with him for the long run, but I would sure like to be with him for awhile. When we went to leave, we hugged. Long. tight. We fit so perfectly together. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. And replaying our 2 1/2 years together. And the hug. THEN a light bulb went off in my head yesterday and I realized that the girl Kirsten that he is marrying... a girl from his past... is really this girl "Kirty" that he had gone out with before me. She called him all the time while we were going out. He said he didn't like her but I was always insanely jealous of her. She slept around, she was slutty. She threatened to kill herself over him. (messed with his head). When I found that SHE is who he is marrying, it flipped me out. Am I in highschool again?? So stupid. He says she is not the little girl that she was then and he feels horrible at how he treated her back then. She has loved him all of her life and now she has her dream come true. Now I find myself crying even more. I feel like I have lost 2 loves.

My heart is totally broken. Shattered. I feel like my soul is slowly leaking out. Don't ask me to explain. Travis had broken my heart and I had built up walls to protect myself. I would go out with guys and break up with them before they could get too close or could hurt me. I had friends telling me not to run from Jake. I didn't even realize that they saw what I did. It actually took me a long time to completely trust Jake. For him to break down the walls. (by the time he was in my life I had also had 3 dads... not a lot of stability of men in my life) Now because of him they are built back up. I BEGGED him for the last 3 1/2 years to not do that to me. Many many times. Do not make me build the walls. To not make me shut off my feelings and emotions. To not make me shut him out. For him to not shut me out. God I begged him to talk to me and not shut me out. But he did. He changed. I hardly know who he is.

There, that's how I'm doing. I didn't mean to say all that. It just sort of poured out. I can't let me kids see me being messed up so I contain my crying to bedtime, the shower, the car and while my boss is at lunch (like now).

Speaking of kids. Kallyn is at day 4 of her tonsils being out and she said she is in worse pain & swelling today than yesterday. I am at work instead of with her and she is mad, even though that was the plan all along. Her boyfriend has hardly left her side. He's been spoon feeding her jello. ")

Karli is off snowmobiling in Leavenworth with a friend until tomorrow.

Jake had a job interview for a Tulalip Pharmacy yesterday. He thinks it went really well. Cross your fingers.

We are having game night at our house on New Years Eve since Kallyn can't go anywhere and that means I have to stay home. Karli is inviting a couple of friends over. If anyone else wants to come over... COME ON OVER.... we always have a ton of snacky food and play games until midnight.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Week in Review

I had 3 Dr appts last week and I am going to share the news from yesterday's 1st because it was the best

My aneurysm is NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL - EVER!!! No matter how big it gets. It is in a vein outside of my brain. An aneurysm in your brain that bursts is what my kill you. An aneurysm like mine, being being where it i,s will make my right eye fat and blood shot and he said I may hear the blood pulsing in my eye. Then I would call him and he would decide whether to have a catheter inserted that would drain it or just let it reabsorb back into the blood stream on it's own. I go back in a year to have another MRI to see if there is any change. He wasn't even going to do that at first but he said he likes aneurysms to look like speed bumps, not balloons and of course mine is a balloon.

So back to earlier in the week now. MONDAY & TUESDAY were unremarkable. Must have been since I can't remember a thing about them except working, and the horrible, horrible pain I am having in my left buttocks & hip.

WEDNESDAY I saw the Fibro specialist and he also had good news for me!! (I look at it as good news, bad news) The pain has been getting work, the best way to describe it is a Charlie Horse in the middle of my left butt cheek, deep inside and it seems to be pressing on a nerve sometimes because I get sciatic like pain down my leg and sometimes the muscle in my butt spasms when I try to walk and I can't put pressure on my leg. Then there is my hip. The more I walk, the more it burns. It makes me think of a match that someone is trying to light - my hipbone, rubbing on a nerve. Anyways, the DR said it is Piriformes Syndrome. The Piriformes Muscle goes down your buttocks and the sciatic nerve runs through it. The piriformes can get inflamed and irritated and squeeze the sciatic. So what I feel is basically EXACTLY what is going on! So it is not just Fibro pain that I am stuck with like a I thought (good news) and Physical Therapy will help (bad news). I HATE PT. I can't afford PT. W/Fibro, it hurts for anyone to touch my body so just thought of PT, makes me have an anxiety attack. I just keep reminding myself that it will help. See driving and walking are the two things that really hurt it and my Fibro Dr is 30-45 min away. OUCH.

At noon I had a special neck MRI that the Fibro Dr asked for in Sept and insurance finally ok'd. It was supposed to take 40 min and it took 75. I had to lay perfectly still, flat on my back. I guess I kept twitching and they had to redo a couple tests. That is because laying flat on my back killed my back & butt. I couldn't help the twitching. I was dreading it for the noise and I actually drifted off a couple times!

Wed night Karli had her first real Choir concert performance. That was fun but when were leaving, Kallyn used the restroom and as she was coming out, another girl KICKED open the heavy bathroom door and it hit Kallyn in the head. She blacked out for a few seconds. She had already been dizzy and threw up right before the concert. She threw up as soon as we got home and spent the rest of the night dizzy and nauseous and has a lump on her forhead. I am pretty sure she got a minor concussion. She had a bad headache Thur & woke Fri w/ a migraine.

Oh, also Jake came over and cooked dinner. French toast, something the girls love. So we had a "family dinner" before Karli's concert and we talked about Christmas plans. We are going to do everything the same this year as we always have to make it easier for the girls. The dinner was very weird for me. Jake had asked me the previous Fri if he could make dinner Sun for the girls to show them that he and I are still friends. I told him I would let him know and then I never texted him back over the weekend. I called him Mon and suggested Wed. It seemed less weird to me for him to have it ready when I got home from work than for him to come over while I was home. He and I have been texting and/or talking almost everyday. There seems to be a reason w/our daughters or bills or Christmas.

THURSDAY I worked in our Tacoma office. whenever I do that, it means getting up almost an hour earlier so that I can leave the house at the same time I usually get up. It typically takes 90 min - 2 hrs to get there and 60-90 min to get home. While I am there I enjoy it as it is a "real" office and I work everyday in an airplane hangar - which is very informal and cool, but it is nice to play "real office" once in a while. I do not partically like the 3 people in the Tacoma office & could not/would not work there full time.

I left at 2:30 so that I could make sure I was in downtown Seattle & checked into the Sleep Disorder Dr's office by 4:00. I truly dislike going to that Dr office. I think the parking garage was built in the 20's when cars were much smaller. I feel like I have to hold my breath so the car will fit. You have walk a long ways. (after I have driven a long ways) as it turns out, this is the hospital that Kallyn is going to have her tonsils out at. (YUCK) He decided my sleeping pattern was much better. Ya, because I take ambien every night to knock myself out. He said good, keep doing it. So know I am going in for a sleep study on the 28th. I thought I would wake up and leave. NOPE. I stay for breakfast and lunch and possibly up until 5 while they ask me to try to take naps and see if I can fall asleep and how long it takes me if I do. I find this Dr. quite handsome and would probably do just about anything he said. sigh.

THEN, I had to do something for Karli that involved me going to Kmart in Shoreline, returning clothes and buying other clothes. THEN going to Kmart in Everett, returning half of what I bought in Shoreline (had to buy even though it wasn't right in case they didn't have the right stuff in Everett) and buying the rest of what I needed. All for a square dance competition at school. She organized buying all 8 outfits for everyone. More driving and walking. I cried on the way home from the pain. I got home at 8:30.

FRIDAY after the Neurosurgeon (in Kirland) I was supposed to a bank in Shoreline and a bank in Lynnwood for work. You know what? I. COULD. NOT. DO. IT. I could not sit in the car another minute. Much less another HOUR. Especially after the Dr did an exam and did some poking on my body. I was already crying again. I thought, I can go to Shoreline on Saturday. Lynnwood is not open Sat, but I thought I was just going home to put some heat on my body and rest & then I'd get up at 5 and go. (I didn't have to go back to actual work) I didn't do. I am a bad employee. I decided that the night deposit would work. The only drawback is that the deposit slip goes to my bosses home address. sigh. I will just tell him the truth. PAIN.

I rested until 8 and then I went and saw a friend that is visiting from Boise that I haven't seen in 2-3 years. There were supposed to be a bunch of other people from my high school there. And there were some, but not as many as I expected and not too many that I knew and Steve was so excited to see everyone that he as flitting all over the place so I didn't talk to him too much. We went to Big Daddy's WHS people go there all the time and I always have too much anxiety to go. Bobbie has invited people to go watch a friend of her play before too. Now that I have been maybe I will go back. Though I left at 11 because the music was too loud. It was throbbing in my head and you could not talk to anyone.

Tonight is Rah Rah night. I am excited to see my friends. We were just together at the Thock Party but it's different when there are more than just US there AND Bobbie and Jen were not there. I have seen Jen in EONS!!

I know the blog is long and probably a little boring as I do tend to go on... but I blogged.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Going to blog later

I KNOW! It's been 2 weeks since I've blogged. I sort of shut down but I talked on the phone to Mo yesterday and I couldn't seem to shut down. Now I want to blog. It's been a long week, busy at work and home and 3 Dr appts this week. I am in quite a bit of pain but I am seeing friends tonight and tomorrow night so I am hoping that laughter and friendship will help with the pain as it often does. It is really true that laughter is the best medicine.

Check back later. I hope to have posted a blog by after lunch.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Birthday Kallyn!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, strong, courageous, beautiful 19 year old. Where did the time go? I was trying to think of what to get her for her birthday. I had bought her some Ugg type boots last year that were a size too small & when I took them back to exchange them they didn't have anymore. Yesterday I asked her if she still wanted those boots as I was at that same store and they had them. She said "Yes, that would be nice, but she didn't need any presents, love was enough for right now." So I bought her boots, which was really a present I bought her last year that she didn't end up getting. It almost feels like I am regifting. We are going to dinner tonight. Me, Kar, the BF, Jake, my MIL and my MIL's sister that is visiting from out of town. Then Karli, Kallyn, the BF and I are going to Bellevue to the Botanical Gardens to see Christmas Lights. It is something I always wanted to do but have never done. I showed them last night just as something we should do this December and Kallyn got all excited and wanted to do it for her Bdya. I was thinking of taking them to the Pink Floyd Laser Show but she chose Christmas Lights.

Emotions are still running wild. I can wake up smiling, start crying on the way to work, smile when I get to work, start crying at lunch time and it goes on like that all day. I can be SO tired when I get off work that I think I will have no trouble falling asleep, but then I will be awake until 1:00. Karli has slept in my bed the last 3 nights. It IS on purpose. Now when it is time to sleep, she comes to my bed. I think she is afraid of laying in her own bed alone and thinking about things. It is all still new and we just need time to work it through our brains.

I am having trouble saying the word DIVORCE out loud. I don't feel the need to run around telling people, it is still new. I have told the people closest to me that matter the most. I hadn't told my mom yet... I don't know why. I had thought I should do it in person and I just haven't gone over there yet. Kallyn didn't know that and my mom called Kallyn yesterday and they were talking about Christmas and Kallyn said something about how it would be weird this year and so now my mom knows. It really upset me that Kallyn told her instead of me and I thought I should call her and talk to her about it but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really don't know why. I called Jake's mom the day after I told Jake. But she has been apart and aware of the problem all along and I have not told my mom much because she has never really approved of Jake and I guess I didn't want opinion or dispproval. Kallyn said she sounded concerned... and concerned about Jake and told Kallyn that maybe we would work it out because she knew that I never wanted to get divorced. THAT surprises me. I guess I thought she'd be more like "good riddance". I guess I have something to talk about with Stan (my therapist).

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


My therapist told me yesterday that my guilt button is not quite as big as Texas but larger than California....hmmm.... why would he say that? How could he know me so well already??

My mind is also my worse enemy - THAT I KNEW!! I should never be left alone with my mind.

Kallyn told me yesterday that she is trying to be optimistic and look at the divorce in a positive light in that she knows that I have been unhappy for along time and this is a chance for me to be happy. That she believes I will be more active and in less pain and do more things with my daughters and laugh more. She knows that her dad can go either way and she is hoping that he will chose to snap out of it and make positive changes too. My wise wise daughter. I think maybethe 2 years of therapy has helped her some afterall. I haven't tried to talk to my younger daughter yet. She slept with me last night. It was because she was watching TV with me. She started to go to her own bed and the show caught her attention and she said "Maybe one more show" and crawled back into bed. Maybe it was to really watch one more show and maybe it was to be close to me longer. Who knows.

Today I am taking Kallyn to an ENT because she needs to have her tonsils out. I cannot afford to do that at all. I already have a $1600 bill in collections at Evergreen Hospital so I don't even know if she could have her surgery. I am making $50 a paycheck payments on it so it is probably $1400 now. That is from my hysterectomy. We are still paying on Jake's last shoulder surgery. That is WITH insurance. God. She needs to have them out before then end of the year when my $750 deductible kicks back in. WAIT! I have until the end of January! My insurance year just changed this last year to go from Feb 1- Jan31 instead of Jan 1-Dec 31. Whew that is extra time to see the stupid Neurosurgeon about my stupid Aneurysm too. Pbtth

I am feeling Fiesty today.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ahhhh Mo

I know that you and Martha and Tiffany have all been through hell and I am sure that I will be calling on you all. I am still in the shocked phased. I keep repeating to myself "I am getting divorced. I can't believe that I am getting divorced." I felt a lot stronger before I did it.... before he moved out. Even though he hasn't slept in the bed for a week and when he was in the bed, I was as close to the other side as I could be... last night the bed seemed really empty... I am just a conundrum right now. I see my therapist today and I am sure I will feel stronger afterwards. I can't wait. Boy he's going to be surprised.

Kallyn told me yesterday that she remembers that when we were in California that I said that now I knew that if I ever needed to do it on my own that I could. I had gone to California, moved into an apartment and lived there for 2 months on my own. It made me feel stronger and independent. She said that she keeps thinking of that and it makes her feel better and stronger. That she knows that we can do it. (just as long as I can pay the mortgage and not have the house foreclosed...)

Back to work ...

Monday, November 29, 2010

DeeJays Doodles, Rants & Raves: EmOtIoNaL RoLlEr CoAsTeR

So,I wanted him out and he is why do I feel empty and alone instead of happy and relieved? The girls have left me now and I'm trying not to cry. I will read until I fall asleep so there is no laying there in the dark with my mind racing.

Kallyn stayed home tonight she says because she didn't want me to come home to an empty house (tho her sister was home). Us 3 girls ate dinner in bed and watched TV and snuggled. Their dad texted them good night. He is staying at his friends house where our tent trailer is parked. He set the tent trailer up earlier to sleep in it (he called me to tell me he cut his thumb good & probably needed stitches but he was just going to put a couple bandaids on it & to ask if he could take a portable heater out of our bedroom). He let them know he's going to sleep inside in there spare bedroom tonight. I KNOW they have a spare room & thought that might be a possibility from the start. Jake was this guys boss two jobs ago & treated him really well. He & his wife just LOVE Jake.

I guess I'll go read now.

EmOtIoNaL RoLlEr CoAsTeR

I thought he would leave over the weekend but he didn't. Everyone in the house has taken a turn of being sick and now it is my turn. Jake went to the Dr. Saturday & was supposed to have blood taken but they sent him home with a 100.6 temp. I woke up Sunday feeling very crummy. Head all stuffy and body all achy. I spent the day in bed and didn't have the eneryg to go ask him why he was still sitting on the couch. Today we have emailed back & forth and he is going to be gone when I get home.

Now that it is going to happen, I feel like I am going to start crying. I have gone back & forth all weekend. Angry because I want him OUT. I want the house back. I feel like he drags it down and makes it feel depressed and gloomy, like a dark gray cloud always in the house and once he is gone that it will feel lighter and brighter in the house. But then when I think about him actually LEAVING. Then it makes it REAL. So far it isn't so real because he is still there. Once he takes a bag of clothes out the door and spends the night away from the house, that is IT. We are REALY going to get divorced. And while it IS a good thing, it is also a SCARY thing. I KNOW it is what I NEED to do, but that doesn't mean that I am not scared to death at the same time. I am 40. We have been together half my life. 20 years. He has been the most consistent male figure in my life.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm getting a D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Most of you who might read this know, but there are a few that don't. That is what I have be alluding to, but didn't want to say it outright until after I had told my husband that I wanted one.

I told him last Sunday A.M. and we told the girls last Sunday evening. Kal saw it coming but she didn't think it would happen so soon, Kar was shocked and did not take it well at all. I knew she wouldn't. I told him I wanted him out of the house right away. Well... then this white stuff came down and it was sort of hard to go anywhere for a few days and then BAM - Thanksgiving was upon us and we had already decided to still all go to his mom's for dinner as planned.

When I told him he had to find a place, I suggested his dad or a friend of his that lives close by that I KNOW has a spare bedroom. It also happens to be where our tent trailer is parked, so there's that too. I did NOT want him asking his mommy. 1) When he got sober in 89 he moved in for a weekend and stayed 2 years 2) She has alcohol in her house that she shouldn't have to worry about 3) She doesn't deserve to have to take care of him and put up with his screw ups 4) HE NEEDS TO GROW UP. When I left for work Monday, he told me he was going to go see his mom and talk to her about living there. (crap!)

Now, I am closer to her than I am to my own mom and we have now been through a sort of hell together the last 3 1/2 years with Jakes on & off again drinking so I decided to call her on my way to work (I knew she'd be up) and tell her myself about us (she has told me in the past that she couldn't believe that I was still w/him and that she'd totally support my decision & be there for me if I ever left him) I debated with myself for a minute that it was HIS mom, that he should tell her and I should stay out of it BUT she is one of THEE kindest, most generous people and I think people take advantage of her, so I sort of wanted to warn her so she could have time to build up her defenses and not be caught off guard in a weak moment and say "sure, come live with me" or "no, you can't live with me, but here's $500." So, I told her. She said she understood and she was sorry.

I worked the day, feeling a whole mixture of feelings. I had a total breakdown at lunchtime. Grieving for the marriage we had, the man I married. The man that LEFT ME a few years ago. It was before the relapse, it was more like around the time of the shoulder surgeries - so we've been downsliding for more like 6-7 years. I came home from work and Kal told me that he didn't go see his mom, that he told her that everytime he picked up the phone to call her to see if she was home he felt like he was going to puke. He just spent the day on the couch in shock. WAAA He told me when I got home that he wasn't doing good. That he was really sick to his stomach. I just looked at him like "And that is my problem how?" and kept going to my bedroom. He told me Thursday morning that he promised he'd talk to his mom Friday. Ok. Friday at about 3 I asked him if he was having dinner with his mom. He said no, that he was going over that afternoon. I said "Um, it IS afternoon, it's almost evening!" He asked if I had told my mom yet and I said no. He asked what he should say to his mom (I was not going to let him off the hook and tell him that I already told her. I didn't care if he knew that I told her 1st, I just wanted him to HAVE to MAN UP and tell her, because he didn't want to because it was hard). I said "Just tell her. She knows you've been drinking because Jason told her before he went back to MN. She won't be that surprised by it because she's told me before that she's surprised that I have put up with you for so long." Yes, I did so say it - call me a bitch if you want to.

Then when I went to walk out the door to go somewhere he said, "I think I will ask her if I can stay when Jan & Pete leave." See his mom has company coming on the 29th for a week. I DON'T THINK SO. I said through gritted teeeth. "I think you should just ask your dad if you can stay there." I found out later thru Kal that he went to Lake Pleasant to look at RV spots to park the tent trailer. HOW DOES HE THINK HE's GOING TO PAY FOR THAT????

He had coffee with his dad this morning. That is a semi-regular Saturday thing they do. So he supposedly told him. I hope he asked to live there.

He hasn't told me about either conversation. He rarely volunteers info. I have to ask "So, what did so and so say?" I am SO TIRED of having to force conversation or information out of him. I am not sure if I can even believe him. I will wait until he decides to tell me something. Or until I have to pressure him to move. I told him he HAD to leave. I said, "Please don't make me go to court and get an order to make you move because that will cost money or better yet don't make me call Tif, cuz she will come remove your ass from this house and you know she could do it!"

I have wonderful friends that have been texting me quite often to check in with me. So far things don't feel much different. That will come when he actually leaves. That will be another blow to the girls. Make it more real. Kal & Kar went somewhere together after Thanksgiving dinner and Kal texted me that Kar cried all the way there. I asked "Why?" and she said "It"s our last Thanksgiving as a family. Our last real Holiday. Just sad." That text sort of punched me in the stomach but I pushed it aside and thought "I AM DOING THIS FOR MY GIRLS AND MY HEALTH. IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION" That may have to become my mantra if I ever start to doubt myself.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Next chapter of my life

I want to blog but don't have time right now curse it all.

I made big changes this weekend and I want to write about it. I had just turned on the computer last night when a daughter came into my bedroom and threw herself at me and wrapped her body tightly around mine and didn't want to let go. She fell asleep like that and stayed home sick today. She has a horrible cough and cold besides being heartbroken.

I am leaving at 1:30 today to go to a Rheumatology appt. My appt isn't until 3 but it takes at least 45 minutes on a good, no traffic day. You add in the snow, and I just don't know so I am not taking any chances. I will get to leave the appt in time for the horrible rush hour traffic. It will probably take me two hours to get home.

A huge thank you to all my friends that are being soooo supportive. I am being texted constantly with little hugs and check ins on how I am doing. It really helps to keep me upright, focused and not melting into a puddle.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pray for me

I cannot get in to it too much here right now, not yet. You will be hearing more from me in the future. Much much more. I need all the strength I can get so any prayers are much appreciated. I just had lunch with my daughter and mamma bear is coming out. My head wants to explode, my heart is hurting. I sort of feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes, shedding my old skin and wearing a new skin of armor as I prepare for battle. I am woman hear me roar.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I swear that my husband LIKES TO SUFFER. That he enjoys being in pain and being able to complain and play the sympathy card. When I came home on Sunday he had a migraine. "Did you take your Maxalt and then take another one 2 hours later?" BECAUSE HE OFTEN DOES NOT TAKE A 2nd ONE. "Oh, I only had 1 left" he mumbles pathetically. "WHY WOULD YOU ONLY HAVE 1 AND NOT CALL IT IN???" I shouted in a whisper. I wanted to beat him. He still had a migraine Monday and says his head is still pounding today. He went to the pharmacy to pick up various scrips today. (we keep that place in business). He said that driving made him dizzy. "I have been out of Celexa since Saturday though so that could be part of my headache and dizziness." MY HEAD JUST ABOUT EXPLODED!!!! WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO MANY GOD DAMN F@#%!#$%#% TIMES!!!!! I TAKE CELEXA. KAL TAKES CELEXA. THERE IS NO @#%!$#^#!$ REASON FOR HIM TO GO WITHOUT IT AND IT HAPPENS ALL THE @%#$%@#$ TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Thank god I am seeing a therapist. Thank you thank you Mike for recommending me to someone that I like so very much.

Cabin in the Woods

I was invited for a weekend away by a very good friend who is more like an adopted sister. My mother-in-law has nanny'd her 7 y/o since she was 5 wks old and pretty much taken the whole family under her wings and adopted them. My girls call her Aunt Tif and think of her 2 daughters as their cousins.

So it was Tif and her 2 girls (7 & 11)and a friend of Tif's - Kellie and her 2 boys (13 & 15) and me. All 7 of us packed into Tif's Honda Pilot and I mean PACKED. We set off for the 2 hour drive into the Mountains at 1:30 on Friday. It was a looooong drive. I quickly learned that the 13 y/o was a smart ass (I didn't mind that so much, he was sort of like my daughters. He was giving Tif crap about her spray on tan and all the adults about their age (dinosaurs). But the 15 y/o was more like a whiney 5 y/o. He sat right behind me. He was shuffling these cards over and over JUST TO BE ANNOYING. He said that Chels (the 7 y/o) was being annoying (she wasn't), why couldn't he? She kept saying to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Finally she punched him in the leg. Evidentally his house key was right there so then he started to cry. OMG.

We arrived and got to meet Bryce. He went to school w/Tif & Kellie and was the owner of the cabins. The one we stayed in sleeps up to 8 and he owns another that sleeps about 22. It was beautiful. I want to the RahRah's to go!!! He only charged Tif $100 a night but it's usually $175 but if you split that by 6 or 8 then it's not bad at all.

Bryce has an Anatolian Shepard named Ella - she is HUGE. Chels fell in love immediately and asked if she could trade her for her sister! (no deal was made) He said she guards the perimeter of his property for predators like mountain lions and bears. There just happen to be a bear in the area. You also burn a bonfire at night to help keep animals away. Not scary at all! Chels also seemed to have quite the crush on Bryce and followed him everywhere. It was very cute.

Saturday while Whiney boy was in the hottub, he stood up and Ash (11 y/o) hit him with a soft slushy snowball and he cried like a wounded animal. He got out of the hot tub and came in the house and had to lay down because he hurt so bad. He acted like a two y/o it was AWFUL. 15 YEARS OLD!

Saturday we went in to Leavenworth - not the prison, but a Bavarian town in the mountains. I love to go there. It is full of shops and it is much nicer to go without children. We had lunch (a delicious Reuben!) and went to the grocery store to get dinner fixins and went back to the cabin.

All in all it was a very nice weekend and I can't wait to go back. Perhaps in January? I heard back from Deb & Barb that they were in but nothing from Mo or Martha or Bobbie.... Now that I mentioned bears I probably won't get Mo to budge but then she's been tent camping with bears....

Friday, November 12, 2010

And so it continues

I have continued to feel good all week. I keep finding myself smiling. I have hardly had any pain. I even had a comment from a coworker that I looked like I was feeling better. Two of the guys I work with have commented at times that my pain makes them hurt.

I was invited to go to a cabin in the mountains this weekend with a good friend and her daughters. Another friend of hers and her sons are going as well, I have just met her once but she seems nice enough. We are all riding together and I think it will be a blast. I am SO looking forward to it. She said it is about 20 min from Leavenworth for those that know the area.

I was going to work in Tacoma yesterday and was about to leave the house at 7 - about 15 min later than I had planned when the gal who covers for me called in sick. I decided I HAD to go to my normal workplace instead. At 10 I got a phone call from the head guy in the Tacoma office mad that I didn't show up there. The next phone call was a field guy in my office saying he was coming in for the day to catch up on paperwork, that his field jobs were shut down due to the Holiday. So, at 10:30 I made the 90 minute trip to the other office. I planned to work leave there at 4 but it was almost 5, so I got home at 6:30. Loooong day! But I was VERY productive in Tacoma, he really DID need me to go down there.

While I was there I got a call from my boss who is on vacation. He always ends up spending about half of his vacation time woring and this is no different. It was actually his birthday yesterday and his wife's on Sunday, but they are in Phoenix to see her dad and talk to lawyers about his care. He has Parkinson's and is in a home. Not a cheery vacation and he is working to boot. So when he asked me to come in at 7 to help him do something that could prevent us from losing $6,000, I was more than happy to (GULP) start work at 7 AGAIN.

Do you know that for 12 years I worked 4 tens and started work at 7 am? I don't know how the hell I did it because I have trouble getting to work at 8 now. I guess the incentive of having that extra day off during the week helped. I REALY liked having that day off during the week.

Ok, I actually brought A LOT of unfinished work with me from Tacoma and I am leaving at noon today to go play so I gotta get busy!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Laughter is the best medicine

Saturday night my aunt (the one that is 18 mo. younger than me) and I met up with 3 other people that were our best friends when we were young teens. They were all key people in keeping me sane. The 4 of them lived in the same neighborhood and I lived a little over an hour north. When my sister went to her dads every other weekend, I got to escape being a mini-mother and be a teenager. I didn't really have friends where I lived, my aunt was my best friend.

We had all found each other on FB and kept talking about having a reunion and we finally made it happen. There were actually 3 guys and 3 girls but 1 guy lives in SD so it was 5 of us. One of the guys has recently divorced and had just gotten an apartment with nothing in it so he thought it was a proper way to break it in. We had decided it would be a sleep over as we were thinking that we would just be there late catching up.

We laughed and laughed. There were many trips down memory lane. Many fuzzy memories but between us all we could put the pieces together. My cheeks were hurting from laughing so hard. We also got serious. It seems that everyone has something serious going on in our lives and we had deep conversations that I don't think any of us intended to have and then we got over it and got back to laughing again. It was like we had never been apart. We brought some games in case things got awkward. They sat there. At 2:51 I changed the clock back to 1:51 and the 3 drinking really liked that. Soon it was 5:00 a.m. (Where did the time go??) and my aunt I went to bed but we could still hear some chatter in the living room. My aunt and I probably talked until 6 and she was woken at 8 by her daughter calling to say loudly GOOD MORNING MOMMY!!!

I stayed awake all day Sunday and kept thinking I would pay on Monday. That my Fibro body would revolt on me. That I would probably wake with a migraine or at least in a huge amount of body pain. I did a lot of walking on Saturday before I went. But guess what? I woke just fine on Monday!!! I was still feeling the high from Saturday night. I went to the Chiropractor this morning but my mental state is still in that high and I truly think that is making my body feel better.

The guy from SD is coming to visit the end of January (we called him on speaker at 11:00 his time) so we are planning our next get together. We kept saying it couldn't just be one of those one time things and then we yada yada "we'll do this again" we are REALLY going to do it again. Since we did it without the other guy we HAVE to do it again - right?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I voted... but whats the point?

Saturday I picked up the voter's pamphlet and just about fell over - it was HEAVY! I don't know what the point of all the ads and mailers are besides WASTING MONEY! I don't just get mad at all the negativity but at all the money wasted. But I guess the printers were having a heyday. It was Christmas for them with all the mailers being printed. Mine just go straight into the garbage. I don't read them because I am too mad at the money being wasted. The only thing I read is the voter's pamphlet.

It made my head spin on some of the Initiatives and I had to put it down several times and I took the whole weekend, but I did it. I even voted for the damn Judge Jim Johnson even though I didn't in the primary solely because of his name. I told him I was sorry but I couldn't do it. But this time I read his info and mumbled that I was sorry to Mo and voted for him (he was running unopposed). Yesterday I proudly put my ballot in the mail.

This morning on the radio I was hearing that this Initiative was defeated and this one passed and yada yada. WHAT? But MY ballot hasn't been counted yet!! What about all the other ones mailed yesterday? So much for my vote counting.

However, when it comes down to the STUPID STUPID Patty Murry v Dino Rossi it may count. I can see that one coming down to a recount. Especially if the weasel is under by a few again. He likes recounts. Sorry if I offend anyone but I just do not like that man.

I really do not like the mail in ballot. I want to go to the polls and vote. Then the votes ARE counted THAT night. I don't like that they took that choice away from me. Kallyn almost cried when she turned 18 and wanted to go to the polls and vote and we told her you didn't do that anymore. We had to set up a poll booth at our kitchen table for her.

There is blue sky out this morning and I was feeling good but now I am feeling like I am defeated. "( I gotta give myself a little talking too and an attitude adjustment!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Mo Moment ; )

I had to pick Karli & her BF up from her friends house at 10 on Halloween night. I don't like her friend's driveway as it has a little hill to it, with a two block high retaining wall, and you have to drive through a chain link fence/gate, which means backing out of the said gate and I don't back up well. Especially at night.

I was backing up and noticed that I was awfully close to the fence on the drivers side, but I made it (yay!) backing up slowly and turning to the left and there was a sickening THUMP, and GRATING stop. Oh my F@$%@#$ GOD! My left rear tire had gone off the 2 cement blocks and my car door was stuck at the top of the little wall. S T U C K. I could feel my face go three shades of red. Karli said she would go get her friends dad. Oh Lord. Her friend came running out of the house and said this had happened before, they could just take the top block off. I looked. I didn't think so. The dad came out out and mumbled something and went off to the garage. Karli's FB mentioned this was a good time to have AAA. I thought "I am NOT spending hours out here. I am TIRED!" I wanted to cry. Meanwhile the car was running and I thought I should probably turn it off. I didn't need to kill the guy too.

So I half sat and kind of reached into the car to turn off the engine. The CAR STARTED ROLLING BACKWARDS!! A huge sickening scraping of noises and thuds and bangs and I started rolling backwards across the road towoard the ditch. Since the car was stuck, I hadn't thought to put it in park. It was just sitting there in drive. I slammed it into park. I tried to slam on the brake but stepped on the gas. I pried my left foot out of the door (where the door had slammed on my leg and slammed on my foot) and used my left foot to brake. It was all happening so fast my brain was not comprehending or working.

When I looked up, there in the headlights stood the guy with a ramp in one hand and something else in the other hand with a "whatthehelldidyoujustdothatfor?" look on his face. Then he said "Well, try to turn it on." WHAT? TRY? Oh lordy lord. It BETTER start. Thank god it did. I eeked it out of the road and slightly back into their driveway so the kids could get back into it. I went over to the spot in their yard where the grass was torn up and said I was sorry. Guy said not to worry about it and he reached his arms out to hug me as I was visibly shaking. I told him I had 20 years of sobriety and had not been drinking and he could smell my breath. He just sort of laughed. It took me the ride to Kar's BF's house and back before I was calm. My whole left side in pain. My left foot sort of numb & tingling. I have a bruise on my leg. I actually debated whether to tell Jake or not but Karli took care of that for me as soon we got home. She couldn't wait to tell dad she wasn't ever riding with mom again (with a big smile on her face - turkey).

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage
To change the things I can,
And the Wisdom
To know the difference.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I went to my chiropractor this morning. I told her that I felt like my left hip was about 2 inches higher than my right. She had me lay down on my stomach and did the big massage thing on my back that feels SO good. Then she pulled my legs together to look at my alignment, and she said "Oh my god." "Your left leg is 2 inches longer than your right, you are close to being dislocated. I know you are not dislocated because you wouldn't be able to walk, but you are pretty close." I told her that I had been having a lot of trouble walking. She asked how long I had been like that and I told her at least a week. I said I had to make a payment because I was long over due and then I had to be able to make the copayment. She said that if I was ever in that situation to leave her a message and she would take care of me, that she could see me for free. She is not going to let me go in pain. I have mentioned before that I love this woman very much. I knew inside me that she would do that for me but it is very hard for me to ask for that kind of help.

She asked how Jake was doing in his job search. She asked how the girls were doing. If Karli was playing soccer now. When I left she told me to say hi to the girls. She is such a totally caring person. Once I saw a Dr that was just plain cruel to me and I was so upset, I went to her office and she saw me in between patients just to give me a hug and her perspective and to agree that the Dr was an ass. I almost wish she was a medical doctor that I could see for my primary care.
I have been seeing her for 12 years I think (sometime in the mid-late 90's) so she knows alot about me and has been through a lot with me. Having someone you can trust makes a lot of difference.

My day has started of good and the sun is shining. ")

Monday, October 18, 2010

Junior High Reunion

I am excited about an upcoming reunion. When I was in Junior High there were 6 of us that were pretty close. The Clearview Crue. 5 of them lived around where I live now and I lived an hour north. When my parents divorced, they were the ones that helped keep me sane. I didn't have many friends where I lived. It was a small town and what ever status you had through elementary school stuck with you. I was not popular.

When my parents divorced, my mom became a cocktail waitress/bartender. It was the way a single, uneducated women could make enough money to survive. That meant she left for work before my sister (mentally challenged and 5 years younger than me) and I got home from school. At 13 I became my sister's mother. At 34, my mother had her mid-life crisis. When my sister went with her dad every other weekend, I got to get on a greyhound bus and escape down south. I should mention that one of the Clearview Crue was my aunt. She is 18 months younger than me. My grandma had money and my aunt and I were close so I got to go on some vacations with them as the playmate for my aunt. So I was escaping to my grandmas house and my aunts house. It is what kept me sane but it is also where I started smoking pot and drinking. (another escape).

Anyways, there were 3 girls and 3 boys. We roamed the streets and neighborhoods. We hung out at the local store. We snuck out at night and hung out in the half built houses. We would blast the boombox and sit in the middle of the road and make cars go around us. We thought we were so cool. It was a time that was less dangerous. We could tell my grandma we were leaving and she would simply say "be home by dark." My aunt had a basement wreck room that was the hang out place. My grandma didn't mind everyone coming over and eating all the food.

Anyways, through FB we have all connected and kept saying we should have a reunion. We have finally picked a date and time. One of us has recently divorced and is in the process of moving into an apartment. He says that will be the perfect way to break it in. There is one of us who joined FB but then disappeared again. We are having trouble contacting him but his parents still live in the same house so one of us was going to ask them.

It just seems like it would be a very fun night to live in the past again when our biggest problems seem so little now. We thought we ruled the world. hahahahahaha " ) Nov 6 makes me smile everytime I think of it.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Special Guest!

I had a special guest commenter! I feel so special. Mo, if you are jealous, in your own words "bite me" ; )

I had asked Mo to please ask Mike for a referral to a psychologist because there are at least a thousand in the Premera coverage. I liked the person I had seen a couple years ago but she moved her office from close to my work to 30-45 minutes away depending on traffic and at the time I had so many Kallyn appts it was hard to fit one for myself in. The office by my work was handy as I would just take a75 min lunch or leave work a half hour early. A few months ago I tried calling 2 other ladies in her office. I left a msg for one and she called back and got my cell phone voice mail and left a rather bitchy message back because I did not answer my phone. I am sorry but she had a weird area code from another state so I didn't answer. The other person I left a message for never called me back. I haven't tried looking again.

Mike gave me 3 names 2 weeks ago and I hadn't done anything yet (but look at the names every day). 1 female and 2 male. I have always thought I wanted a female... I honestly dont know why since I have alway felt like I related to men better. Well, it turns out the female is quite far away anways so I looked up the males. I think they both look good but one is quite busy and is working at 3 different places so seems like he would be hard to get into, oh and he graduated 2 years ago. The other one has 30 years experience and is 10 minutes from office. Now I just need to call.

After my anxiety attack.

My husband went to the dump this week. He has cleaned our room, including vacuuming. He has done laundry and the dishes. I am highly suspicious but I don't know of what. Men who start grooming themselves are often having an affair... should I suspect he has another house? lol

He is on his way to a job interview as I type. He went to the college today to file a 6 month extension so we don't have to start paying the loans back yet as it was time to start doing that.

Premera denied me having the neck MRI that Dr Wood ordered for me. They don't think it is necessary. I love it when the insurance companies think they know better than the doctors. My neck is soooo screwed up. My chiropractor could attest to that. I have been seeing one for 12 years because my neck is so hypermobile that it comes out all the time. There are only 2 Dr's of the 5 at the clinic that will adjust my neck because it is so mobile the other 3 are afraid of it. Dr Wood thinks that could be related to my Fibro AND my chronic daily headache.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Want to blog now but don't have time

I want to blog but don't have time at work as I am quite busy and the router at home died so we have no internet and can't afford a new one until next payday (10/22)

Briefly - It has taken a week, but I have gotten a single user license software moved from another office to this office, loaded on my computer and learned it as the person who used to do it has left the company. It is a special software that Geotechnical companies use for their test pit and drilling logs. When I have seen reports to go out, there are typical 4 or 5 logs done. My first project had 28! I spent the entire day yesterday staring at the computer. I have more to do today. I LOVE LOVE being busy though and I and love learning something new and feeling like I am being productive. One of the owners told me that if anyone could do it, I could. That feels good (even though I partially know he is just sucking up to me... that is his way)

I am trying to drink less caffeine...again. I did good in August and I think I noticed a difference. September when to hell in a handbasket (what the $@#$@ does that mean??). There are 4 cans of Coke left in the fridge at work. I don't plan to buy more. If I am going to drink soda, it will have to be Pepsi *shudder* I bought green tea at Costco that tastes really good and today I brought in the electric kettle that I HAD to buy in Canada in March even though I didn't know when I'd ever use it. (Hello Cindy) I just christianed it. ")

So far the medicine the Neurologist put me on to help w/daily headache is not helping. First of all, I had to cut back on it as I was constantly dizzy (more like I felt like I had had 2-3 rum & cokes) and I wake up every morning feeling like my temples are in a vice and someone is tightening it.

Last thought... I am REALLY REALLY sick of the pepto bismol pink of my blog page so I want to find time to change it really soon.

No, back to doing logs. WAIT - THIS JUST IN: I just got a phone call saying that all of logs I did look beautiful and that it looks like I have mastered gINT!!!! WOOHOO!!!! I expected to have to edit a bunch of things that I messed up.

Oh, And gINT is pronounced with a G like Gail, not with a J sound like Joy. I spent 12 years at my last job and they pronounced it wrong. Do you know HOW HARD it is for me to say it correctly now?? My boss hates it hates it hates it when I say it wrong.

Monday, October 11, 2010


Yes, I went to the Rheumatologist on 9/30 and the Neurologist on 10/06 and have not blogged about it other than little FB status updates. I have no idea why other than I just feel myself staying away from the computer. Sort of withdrawing away from everyone. I have been really too busy at work to be on the internet and at home somehow our d-link dropped away and I can't figure out how to reconnect it so I have just been reading and watching TV (there are a lot of good new shows!). It is all I can do to go to work and then want to go home and crawl into bed. I have a heating pad mattress topper that feels soooo good. Then the weekend comes and I go to Punker's soccer game and can't seem to get myself to do much more. I am just SO exhausted. Mentally and physically. I argue w/myself all weekend about needing to get stuff done and my body wins.

It is hard to understand unless you have Fibromyalgia how frustrating it really is. I like to do laundry because you can put a load in the washer and dryer and feel a little productive. "I am doing laundry." I can proclaim as I climb back in bed. I folded towels with tears in my eyes as my shoulders were killing me and felt weighted down with lead. Sorry to be so depressing. Lets get on with the Dr appts as they are a bit more chipper.

9/30 - Dr Patrick Wood is a Rheumatologist that specializes in Fibromyalgia. He is a former professor at Louisianna State U, he worked at the McGill Pain Clinic and is a scientific advisor on the Board of the National Fibromyalgia Association. The downside is that he speaks/presents a lot so it is hard to get in to see him. I made my appt in July. My next one is 11/22. He told me that someone telling him that they have Fibro is liking someone saying they have a fever. He can't just give the person with a fever tylenol and send them home. They might die because he didn't figure out WHAT was causing the fever. There are often underlying causes as to Fibro pain. Most people with FMS have other issues - like IBS, Restless leg syndrome, Migraines etc... (I happen to have those 3 things) If you treat those things then you can help reduce the Fibro pain some and make it easier to treat. He thinks there are too many unanswered questions with me and wants me to have some tests done. He is sending me for a sleep study, lab work and a special neck MRI. He said is goal will be to reduce my meds in the long run but is putting me on some more now. Sometimes things have to get messier before they get better. He put me on 2 new prescription meds and 2 OTC supplements and he took me off 1 of the meds I have been on.

10/06 follow up with the Neurologist. 1st time I have seen him since the MRI that showed I had an aneurysm. I don't particularly care for him but I can't really put my finger on it. He said I should see a neurosurgeon before the end of the year so they can start following me. Even though I have had MORE migraines since he doubled my topomax (migraine preventative med) he said to stay on it. He wrote me a scrip for a nasal migraine med to try and I am trying 2 new daily meds for a month to see if they might help with my daily chronic headache. He is calling it a "new daily headache". He even gave me a handout on new daily headaches. I asked why he called it that and he said because it just came out of the blue. I had explained on the last visit and on this visit that I have had a daily headache for the last 26 years. It goes in cycles though where sometimes it is worse for a month, maybe 2 but this time it has been bad since May - much longer than ever before. Is 26 years considered "new"?? I guess I just feel like he doesn't really listen to me.

I told him about Dr Wood and sounded like he was writing him off but Dr Wood sounds like he wants to try to help my migraines. OH and Dr Wood said to bring Kallyn in to him!!! Kallyn has seen the neurologist and did not like him at all so she is excited to see Dr Wood.

Today I see my MD because she is the one giving me my pain med and I have to see her every 3 months for a med check and fill out forms in order to be on the pain med. Now is a time that I really need to be at work and being dependable and all of a sudden I need to make all of these appointments and none of them are close to where I work so I need to be gone for 3-4 hours when I go. I just hate that.

I also hate deciding whether we want to have water and power or whether to pay our mortgage. We have paid almost half of our September mortgage and thought we were going to pay the other half when I got paid last Friday but 1) we got a disconnection notice for water 2) the PUD check bounced - twice. So that is $50 less we have right there. I reallllly hate that! *sigh*

It's taken me 5 hours to write this as I have been sneaking bits here and there while I work, I hope the grammar and spelling isn't too bad.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I have not felt good the last few days. Sick to my stomach and just body uck like I am coming down with something. Could not get out of bed this morning. Got up at 7:45. Left at 8, got to work at 8:20.

Me eldest hasn't been at home for 2 days because she hates it there and all we do is fight.

I found out something possibly very bad about my youngest this a.m. and I dread talking to her this evening.

My husband is driving me crazy and is he NOT only not looking for a job - he's NOT DOING THE F&*KING JOB that he has been temporarily handed in his lap. He could have easily about 30 hours last week and he had 14 because he is g@d d@mn lazy. The only way he is going to get a job is if I do the job hunting for him.

And I am also grieving the loss of a friend who I thought of as family. I did nothing to her but she just decided she didn't want to be in my life anymore. That really hurts. She says it's for the best because she will just end up hurting me, but I guess she doesn't realize how much she is hurting me now.

I just don't have it in me to deal with any of it. Anyone. I just want to curl up in bed with a book in fantasy land to distract myself from all of it. Everyone and everything. I feel like I just can't do it anymore. Just can't take it. I don't have the energy, the passion, the heart.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bloggers block

I've had bloggers block. Well, maybe not. I guess that would be trying to think of something to write and not being able to. I just haven't even thought of blogging. Or reading anyone's blogs. Just sort of been withdrawn. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and so sick and tired I can't even see coming out of it.

It is easy for others to sit back and judge when they aren't in it themselves. Having a constant tension headache at about a 5-6 on the pain scale for, I can't even count how long now, is quite tiring. Every couple days it will spike up and cause a migraine. The last time it was a 6 day migraine - I worked 3 days of the 6. I have been through this sort of cycle many times in the last 26 years so I know that it WILL go away, it just seems like this one is lasting much longer than usual for so much pain. I have tried many different things. I think that it might be worse because now I have Fibromyalgia and headaches & migraines are common with FMS and I already have headaches & migraine issues. When I saw the neurologist in August he doubled my migraine preventative medicine and I have had several migraines since then. I was supposed to see him on the day that I had the horrible migraine but I could not drive and Jake was not home so I had to reschedule for October 6th.

I see the famous RA next Thursday for my FMS. I do not have any expectations. I can not afford to let myself get too excited. I have been let down too many times by doctors. It doesn't seem like there are any real miracle doctors out there except House. I want HIM, in more than one way (wiggling eyebrows).

Oh a fun thing (and frustrating - but mostly fun). We were due for an upgrade on our phones and I was debating getting a Blackberry because I didn't really neeeed one but I waaaanted. Then I was looking online and it was buy one get one free and with the online discounts, it was $49.99 for the 2 phones. I talked to Kallyn and she was totally willing to pay for her own data package. See, that was why I was debating, did I really want to add another $30 to our phone bill for a data package for me? So, it took several tries and I had some issues that I won't bore you with but it turned out that our current plan was a plan they used and more and we would have to change our plan if we upgraded our phones.

We were paying $110 for 700 minutes for Jake & I PLUS we were paying $19.99 for unlimited texting for the family. The girls are $9.99 a line.

NOW we are paying $110 for 1400 minutes for Jake & I and that INCLUDES the unlimited texting so the data package is really only $10 a month more plus we have twice as many minutes! Not that we talk that much but the last 3 months we have gone over by like 45 min, which does add up.

Karli has a soccer game at 9 am that is 2 minutes away from Crispy Creme!!! Wheeeeeeeee (makes up for having to get up at normal work time on a Saturday morning, trying to focus on the positive here)

Friday, September 3, 2010

1 month 95% Gluten Free!

I forgot to post that on the 1st! I have had a few cheats and I have admitted all of them. We were at my mom's house Tuesday and she said "You guys don't really think she doesn't cheat when she's alone do you?" Thanks mom. Hmmm.... wonder why I don't see you very often.

It is not about them or anyone else. If I cheat, I am only cheating myself and if I decide that I deserve it once in awhile, so be it. I am human, not perfect.

So how am I feeling?? Like I have been run over by a truck "(

It took about a week to get through withdrawals, which weren't as bad as they have been in the past when I tried quitting. Until I went in to the grocery store. Every cell in my being soaked up the smell of the bread and screamed for it. Week 2 I started feeling really good - hardly any pain and more energy. That also happend to be the week of wonderfully sunny weather.

Then I walked to much. There is a movie theater here that has 2 flights of stairs to get to the restroom. I went up them 3 times. (twice for myself and the 3rd time w/my aunt). I really can't do stairs. I should have taken the elevator the last time but I am stubborn. It kills me that I can't walk up the friggin stairs. But then I paid. My body went into a flare up. 2 days of 8 pain on the pain scale. Then the weather was nice for a couple days and then raining hard. It kills my body to switch like that. I currently feel like I never quit wheat. No difference at all. sigh.

But I am not giving up yet. I am not supposed to eat gluten/wheat so I am going to stay away except for the occassional cheat.

The 1st two weeks of Aug I had also significantly cut my caffeine. Just my travel mug on the way to work. And maybe my daily Coke, maybe not. Half the time I was only drinking half of it. I think that made a difference but somehow I ended up back to full throttle again. This week I am doing just the travel mug again. Only 2x have I had a Coke. I need some caffeine or I get horrible headaches but I too much caffeine has been shown to cause pain in many people w/FMS.

Usually when I have stopped eating wheat, by the end of the 1st week my stomach is flat. Gluten makes me bloated. So while I might not lose weight right away, the bloatedness goes away and I appear to be slimmer. (LOVE IT) That has NOT happened. >:( And I think I know why. sigh. "(

Dairy. I am not supposed to have dairy either. I took a blood test 2 years ago to find out foods that I am allergic/intolerant too. (that is different than being "allergic" where you get hives or go into anaphylactic shcok). Dairy and Gluten are both foods that I am intolerant of AND both foods that many people with FMS are bothered by.

I think my stomach bloatedness must be coming from dairy, thought I don't have that much. Dairy is what I need to give up next and I am D R E A D I N G it!! I don't drink milk but I love cheese and sour cream and ice cream. I love Mexican food and you can't have Mexican w/out CHEESE. And the cheese alternatives out there SUCK MONKEY BALLS. And you gotta have sour cream on Mexican and you make guacamole w/sour cream. (actually I DID find before a sour cream alternative that was ok, I just have remember where I found it). I passed on a bowl of ice cream last night, even though it killed me. Yes, there are rice milk and soy milk ice creams but they cost a lot more and do not taste the same, but I have eaten them. I was going to stop Dairy 9/1 but somehow the day escaped me. Now I have to pick a new date.

I REALLY want this damn tension headache to go away. It has been at a 5-6 pain most of the time 7-8 others and then triggering a migraine (like right now) pretty much since I got back from Gulf Shores, so 4 months now. I am used to living with a daily headache in the 2-3 range, but 5-6 is too much. I think I am going to try acupuncture again. The lady I liked was not on our insurance plan but we switched recently and she is on our new plan. The new plan has a limit of 12 visits though and she wants you to come like 3x a week so I just have to tell her 1x a week so I can make it last longer.

That's my health update. Over and out.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Haven't been here in awhile... don't know if anyone's noticed. Haven't been myself. Can not get rid of this dang headache. It just keeps triggering a migraine. I feel like I can't make plans as I am at the mercy of my head and I just let people down and look like a flake when I have to keep cancelling.

I feel like all I do is complain so I haven't been here and then look - the first thing I do is complain. sigh.

Kallyn is going to my Neurologist today to see if he might have any ideas about her RSD. She started working at a different store location last Friday for the place she works. It is a long story, but she is much happier now, even though they made her go through 20 hours of unpaid training all over again.

Karli unofficially started school today. Only the 7th graders started at her school today (and she is in 9th) but she is a WEB leader and she and a partner have a group of 8 7th graders to show around and basically give an orientation to the school. 200 kids applied and only 60 got picked and Karli was 1 of them. She had no idea what she was going to be doing while the 7th grader were in class so I am curious to talk to her when she gets out. Tomorrow is her 1st day of classes.

Jake had 2 interviews last week that basically fell in his lap. I feel like he is not trying at all to find a job. He is waiting for Everest to send him to interviews. I looked on line last Thursday and told him about 2 to apply to. Did he go there as of today? Nope. He worked 20 hours at my place of employment last week. What did he do the rest of the time you ask?
He doesn't even go on FB anymore because he thought he was getting too much crap about being on it. So he sits and watches CNN or ESPN. He doesn't even do the paperwork for the work he is doing until the last minute. He does the dishes once in awhile. He might fold clothes once in awhile.... if I dump them on the couch where he is sitting... See now I am starting to complain again. Better go now.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

20th Anniversary of our 1st Date

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of our first date. Since we got married on the 4th of July and consider it a family day, we have always acknowledged our 1st date anniversary as "our" date. We are not your traditional people. ") Kallyn was 7 months old and was my Maid of Honor and Jason was 8 and the Best Man. We considered it more of all of us becoming a "family" than just a union of Jake and I. Being on the 4th, everyone celebrates with fireworks. In fact, the whole country celebrates our anniversary!

We went to the Outback and had yummy Shrimp on the Barbie. OMG. I love that stuff! It made me think of being in New Orleans. I had a small steak and baked potato. I love their remoulade sauce. I have to try to recreate it myself. I ate every bite on my plate. It was delicious. Jake couldn't finish all of his and got a to go box. I felt like a pig but didn't care.

It was Karli's 2 month anniversary w/her boyfriend (isn't that cute?). They went to see Vampires Suck and said it was a pretty good movie. I asked if it was better than Dance Flick - because that movie almost made me pee my pants - and they both agreed that while it was good, Dance Flick was much better. I want to see it but I will wait til it comes out on DVD.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My little happiness for the day

You have to take the little bits of happiness where you can get them. I went to Freddy's at lunch time. Our bathroom scale died awhile ago and it is really bothering me to not have one, so I went to buy a cheap one.

Weeeelllll, Jake, Kallyn and I all have these comfy 5x6 Down throw blankets. Karli is the one that gave Jake his for Christmas about 2 yrs ago. She made a comment then that she felt a little left out because she didn't have one. Now mind you, she has a MILLION blankets in her room. She and Kallyn both have a fettish for throw blankets and their Nana buys them all the time. BUT, ever since she said that, I have kept my eye out for one and have not been able to find one ANYWHERE. So today I was peaking around and what I saw is actually a twin comfortor, but it was on clearance. Instead of 34.99, it was 27.97. I should NOT be spending money AT ALL, but with the funky mind frame I am in, I can't seem to help myself. She has her special Daughter's Day coming up and I thought I would buy it for her as her "Good Morning - it's Daughter's DAy" gift. Justification. GUESS WHAT? I got up to be rang up and right under the 27.97 I saw the same blanket #'s & name and then 11.19. It looked to me like there was an addiotional charge. Like they were trying to cheat me and it wasn't on clearance THEN I realized - it was an additional 11.19 OFF! All clearance was an extra 40% off. Yay!! I told the checker that made me feel a little better about spending money I shouldn't be spending in the 1st place.

So, it is a little thing. But it made me SO happy. I am crazy, I know.


I woke up in the middle of the night shivering. The wind was blowing and the noise it was making made me think it was raining too. It was 91 yesterday and they are saying the high today is going to be 71. I thought we were going to have a day or two of 80's before we went to 70.


I am not an acclimater (I made that word up). I have long sleeves on today and goose bumps. My head hurts a little more and my body is stiff. My sciatic (nerve from my lower back, down my leg to my ankle) tends to burn more when the temperature changes swiftly. I had a bone spur removed from my ankle in 2003 but I went through almost a year of pain in the ankle before they figured out what was wrong - that ankle aches something fierce when the weather changes quickly or it's too cold outside. The gray, cold, overcast is my enemy but Jake thinks I am joking when I talk about moving to California. I am getting more and more Serious. Thinking San Diego.

I am feeling a scooch better mentally than yesterday. There is not much worse to me than feeling mentally off and having no idea why. It just makes feeling "off" even worse. I went to Target at lunch and went through the clothes section. I tried on some jeans and bought a pair. I needed a new pair. Can I afford them? No. So of course I feel guilty. But Jake's response was "Good! You deserve to buy yourself something." Then Karli told me that I looked really hot in them. She said her mommy was wearing skinny jeans and looked really hot. She thought I was so cool. That was a good ego boost. I also bought this really cute light weight sweater thing that is waist length in the front and longer in the back and a t-shirt on clearance. I declared it my back-to-school outfit ")

I am seeing my aunt (she is 18 mo younger than me and was my childhood/teenage yrs best friend) on Saturday and am pretty excited. She is starting to go through the divorce process and is not having a good time. They are not actually married but have been together for 16 yrs and have a 4 y/o. He has been sick and now seems to be a little insane. She needs a girls night. We are going to see Eat Pray Love. I think I need a RahRah night soon too. Maybe once school starts and routines are more normal. is there a normal?

Shana - you have never had a snickerdoodle cookie? or even heard of it? maybe Canadians call it something else. Cindy??? It is like a sugar cookie but it is rolled in cinnamon & suger before it is cooked. Many people thing they should be crispy but I like mine really soft. Children's Hosptial doesn't make them, they buy these cookies, of all varieties from someplace and they are all reeaallly soft. They are the large kind that are like 5 inches in diamater. When I make them at home, I love to roll the dough in the cinnamon & and just eat it like that. YUM!

ok... back to work...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Not in a good mental space

I left work yesterday feeling VERY cranky and ended up fighting with both girls. I didn't think I said anything to set them off but they both ended up being VERY disrespectful to me and I really over-reacted. I cried myself to sleep. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I am not sure why. I am thinking it is possibly due to sort of detoxing my body. I kind of feel like when I had to wean off the celexa to go on the cymbalta.

17 days without gluten (mostly, there was that 1 snickerdoodle). I realized yesterday that over the weekend I ate an ice cream cone w/out even thinking about it. Did I beat myself up when I realized it? No. I said "I am human, I am going to make mistakes." Going to the store is really hard for me and I went to Sam's Club yesterday. Maybe that is what set off my crankiness. Once I smell the bread and see all the frozen foods that ALL have wheat or breaded yummy things, it sets me off. My whole body craves it like a crack whore craves her drug.

I have also cut way back on caffeine. I have my travel mug on the way to work and that's it. Usually when I get to work I will drink about 3 more cups of coffee and then in the afternoon I have a can of coke. The last week or so I either don't even have the coke or I drink half and poor the rest out. It doesn't even taste that good.

Since Friday I have only taken 1 pain pill instead of the usual 1-2 a day. I also went 3 days without taking my nerve pills and I usually take 2 a day. I was out but Jake has them and he would have given some to me, but I didn't really feel like I needed them. Is it because of not having gluten? Is it the cutting down on caffeine? Is it because of the heat? My body really does like the heat. This weekend when the temp drops 25 degrees from last weekend, my body will revolt. Ugh. I have also started taking 3 new supplements the neurologist suggested for my head. It maybe helping my body, but not my head.

That is the main reason for not taking any pain pills - to see if it might help my head. There is such a thing as rebound headaches where taking pain pills actually CAUSES headaches. Nope. Head still hurts. On a scale of 1-10, I have been walking around with about a 5 at all times for at least the last week (after I got over the 5 day migraine.)

So, I am trying to help myself. Trying to make a change. Trying to feel better. Sometimes though, I just wonder "what is the point?" Why are we here? Why am I here? Am I just supposed to do this same thing for 40-50 more years? Live through shit after crisis after BS? Why?

Friday, August 13, 2010


Yesterday was a pretty good day.

Kallyn's Cardiology appt went well. She and I really liked the Dr. He explained things well and said he see's 4-5 teenage girls a wk w/her symptoms. It's sort of a common thing. He gave us some website info for Dysautomonia and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). Which is basically the Autonomic Nervous System not working correctly. So great, because RSD is the Sympathetic Nervous system not working correctly - so basically her whole Fbleeping Nervous System is screwed up. She can help it a bit w/diet change and lessen the attacks w/how she handles them. They did an EKG and Echogram as well and all looked good.

Then she had an appt w/her counselor that she was not looking forward to. She wanted me to come in w/her but her counselor would not let her. Next week is the last one w/this counselor and then she is getting referred to a counselor outside of Children's. Aging out of Children's they call it.

Then there was another appointment - a final appointment for something we've been dealing with and it went the best possible route it could go, so that was SO WONDERFUL!! Instead of being there for an hour or maybe 2, we where there for 3 1/2, so that was not so wonderful.

It was a verrry long day. We left the house at 7:00 and got home at 4:30 - after running all over the place.

Oh, and except for 1 snickerdoodle cookie on Monday (Children's Hospital has THEEEE best Snickerdoodles) - I have gone 13 days without Gluten/Wheat!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It is an aneurysm!

Be careful all those times you joke about having an aneurysm Mo, you might actually be walking around with one!

Yes. I. have. an. aneurysm. But guess what, it is small enough that they don't care and don't want to do anything about it. Just let me walk around with it. Sitting right behind my right eye.

So.... I went to Bellevue, which I hate. There are 2 hospitals on the Eastside (not Seattle - TONS in Seattle) one in Belleuve, the other in Kirkland. Lots of Doctors offices around each and in each. All of mine are in Kirkland. I've had my kids in Kirkland, my surgeries in Kirkland. It is just my comfort zone and Bellevue is just a traffice nightmare.

So I walk in and the receptionist hands me this flyer to read on carotid artery problems and surgeries and says the doctor will talk to me about this when I see her. So I read it and almost break out bawling in the waiting room. Remember, I am building up for this huge breakdown? It has almost come out a couple times in the last few days and it was starting to build up just going up the elevator - then she hands me this very scary flyer. When the Dr walks in she takes a look at me and asks if I am ok. I told her not really, that I had a migraine and that the pamphlet was very scary and that I really didn't know why I was there. She took the pamphlet from me and said it was for old people and not for me. She said she was going to explain why I was there.

I told her about being told about an abnormality and then seeing the referral card that said aneurysm. She said "Well, you do have an aneurysm." But she went on to explain that it was tiny. That it was 3 cm and they don't typically burst until 7-10 cm. I have less than 1/2% of it bursting. But it is good to know that it is there so that I can be followed and watched. BUT she is not the one to do that. Because of the location, I need to see a Neurosurgeon. She said he will probably just want to monitor it every year or two. okey dokey. OH and it is not doing anything that could cause my headaches. @#%#$@$

So I left there and the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I went to a neurologist, who had me have an MRI. The neurologist's office said I had an aneurysm and needed to see a vascular Dr. The vascular Dr read the report, scheduled an appt with me, only to tell me that I needed to see a neurosurgeon - which there are 3 of in the neurologist's office.

So - shouldn't the neurologist's office been able to tell that I just needed to see a neurosurgeon? OR if not, shouldn't the vascular Dr, after reading the MRI report just called the frickin neurologist's office back and said that she wasn't the person I needed to see? Why waste my time and MONEY to go all the way to see her? It has to be about the money. She had no way to bill for her precious time reading the MRI report, so she had to have me come in. So now I will get two bills. One for her reading the report and one for an office consultation. I got to pay a $30 copay, miss time from work and get to pay 20% for 2 bills to find out that I have to go see a different Dr. Lovely.

And I am walking around with an aneurysm.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Just cut off my head please

I can't take much more of this headache.

I had another "episode" Friday. I hadn't had one in 2 months. I thought I was all done but I had one driving home from work and it was pretty scary. I felt like I was in a video game, not reality. I wanted to pull over but I envisioned crashing into a wall like in a video game so I just stayed straight on the road. I just about crawled into the house and Jake dumped me into bed. It was 5:15 and the next time I woke it was midnight. I had a raging migraine that lasted all weekend and really has not gone away yet - though I have managed to go to work.

Today I see the Vascular doctor at 2 (in fricken B3LL3VU3 - I hate going to that place). The lady who called me about my MRI from the neurologist office said "There is an abnormality in your right carotid". She then said after she faxed the referral to the vascular Dr she would stick it in the mail to me as it had the directions to their office on it. Fine. I get the mail and kinda hope it has some mumbo-jumbo MRI report that I can try to read along with the referral so I rip it open. It is just the referral slip. The only thing written on it? Aneurysm in right carotid. not abnormality. A N E U R Y S M. WTF? No stress. No stress.

I know it might be nothing.... but I have not been feeling right at all. I feel like something is wrong with me and I have been scared. Not just stressed or worried, but scared.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Vascular Dr Appt

So, the good news is that they said I am not in any danger. I don't need any other tests; at the moment at least. I have an appointment next Tuesday at 2 with the Dr. The receptionist said that she would talk to me, go over the results and what it means and tell me what to look out for. What ever that means!! I am still curious as hell what. it. is. that. is. wrong. with. me.

It hit me this morning. I was joking that I was having an MRI so they could see if they could see my brain. Well - they found it and it's abnormal! Duh!

Did you know that people with migraines are at a higher risk for having a stroke? Did you know that STRESSSSSSSSSSSS can cause a stroke? Did you know that they were testing to see if those "episodes" I had were TIA's - or mini strokes? Do you know that I have migraines and do not know how to NOT be stressed??? Deep breath Demery.

I should be more relaxed. They are not worried. Nothing that dangerous. BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, AND I STILL. DO. NOT. It is the not knowing that bugs me. How can I google it without knowing? 5 more days.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


It's funny, I got up this morning all excited because it was Friday. What the hell was I thinking?

I called the Vascular Dr office at 9 because no one had called me yet. She said they had received the referral but the Dr was waiting to see my MRI report. She would review that and decide if I needed to have an ultrasound or if she could just see me and treat me. I should be getting a phone call later today to be able to schedule SOMETHING and it shouldn't take very long to get in either way. So.... part of me thinks I should feel better if it is something she could possible just see me and treat me for. So, why do I feel like I am a walking, ticking bomb ready to explode and die? I feel like I have this big "thing" in my neck and it's going to explode. I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW .... but I also know that I haven't felt right....for awhile. Maybe this will have something to do with the fact that I can hardly use my right hand. I know it's probably Fibro in my hand, but since it's the right side, maybe it's related. I know it does no good to speculate. But I can't help it. It is hard to not worry.

4:34 pm Still waiting for someone to call me!!! *grumble...sigh*

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A rant, a coincidgod and a ohgodwhatnow?

I was going to come here and rant how much I hated the terrible horrible MRI on my head and to say that I am never EVER ever going to have another one EVER .... without pain killers and sedatives beforehand anyways. I thought I had had an MRI on my head before but I am sure now I would have remembered that HELL before.

The nice man that runs the MACHINE FROM HELL put earplugs in my ears, then put a shield around my head and tucked foam in around my head between my head and the shield - he said all to help block out the noise.


The test was to be 35 minutes all together but broken up into pieces... he'd say "this test will be one minute." This test will be 3 minutes." Then he said. "This is the longest test, it will be 7 minutes." It went on and on and on. I had tears running down my face. I thought my head was going to explode. These noises sounded like drills and jackhammers. Take the drill at the dentist's office and magntify it x100. No. Kidding. I had a headache going into it. When he wheeled me out, I was nauseous, the room was spinning. I had a migraine. I went home, called in sick and spent the rest of the day in bed.

COINCIGOD (because I don't really believe in coincidences)
I was waiting in the waiting room (how aptly name eh?) for the hell to happen and all the Doctors had a framed Bio on the wall with a picture and where they went to school, their philosphy and their "special interest" if they had one. I get to my doctor's - I've only been to him once, so I wanted to read it, and one of his special interest's is - get this -
So, um... ya, Kallyn has an appointment with him at the end of the month. When I made the appt, I found out that the Dr was gone for a month, so I didn't expect to hear back for awhile on the MRI... so I was surprised when I got a call today..........

Yep, I got a call that there was an abnormality in the right coratid. on the right coratid? not sure of the terminology. Just know that I need to go see a Vascular Dr. She told me she was faxing a referral over, along with the MRI report and to wait about 30 min to call. I waited 45 looooong minutes for good measure and did they have it yet? NO. hold hold hold while she double checked. How do I spell my name again? Hold hold hold - nope. She would call me when they go it. 45 minutes later - nothing. My right eye has been on fire all day. burning like crazy. I don't see anything wrong with it. I keep trying to rinse it with water and it almost hurts more. Could it be related? Am I just crazy? The eye has actually been bugging me off and on for about 2 weeks but today is the worst.

I am just so done. so so done.