I thought he would leave over the weekend but he didn't. Everyone in the house has taken a turn of being sick and now it is my turn. Jake went to the Dr. Saturday & was supposed to have blood taken but they sent him home with a 100.6 temp. I woke up Sunday feeling very crummy. Head all stuffy and body all achy. I spent the day in bed and didn't have the eneryg to go ask him why he was still sitting on the couch. Today we have emailed back & forth and he is going to be gone when I get home.
Now that it is going to happen, I feel like I am going to start crying. I have gone back & forth all weekend. Angry because I want him OUT. I want the house back. I feel like he drags it down and makes it feel depressed and gloomy, like a dark gray cloud always in the house and once he is gone that it will feel lighter and brighter in the house. But then when I think about him actually LEAVING. Then it makes it REAL. So far it isn't so real because he is still there. Once he takes a bag of clothes out the door and spends the night away from the house, that is IT. We are REALY going to get divorced. And while it IS a good thing, it is also a SCARY thing. I KNOW it is what I NEED to do, but that doesn't mean that I am not scared to death at the same time. I am 40. We have been together half my life. 20 years. He has been the most consistent male figure in my life.
Believe me, I understand and feel every single thing you just said. Been there...done that. Even if you despise a person (which I did, big time) it is still a chunk of your life that is leaving. Sort of like part of your soul, which is weird, since I never considered him to be part of my soul. It's hard, Demery. Whether you're skipping and crowing about being free from someone who has weighed you down for years, or depressed and in agony over it because you don't want it....it is hard. There's absolutely no other way to look at it. The hardest, most painful thing I've ever done was that divorce. I'm STILL recovering from it!! Gadzooks, I'm sure it will all end someday and I'll be able to laugh about it...well ok...maybe not laugh about it, but certainly not feel knives digging into my soul when I think on it. But Demery, it's an awful journey. And I want you to know that my friends got me through it, and that I am there one thousand percent for you 24/7 and then some. I will drag you through this. I will wade into the fires of hell to get you out and into the light. Dammit, if I could do it, you definitely can too. And I will help in every single way that I can. You aren't alone, ever. Please know that.
ReplyDeleteLove you, love you, love you. And if your girls ever need someone to talk to, please let them come to me. I love them like my own, and I will hug them and rock them and just listen to them. They are my heart.