Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm driving my MUSTANG!!!


I do NOT like the weather we are having.  It's making my body ache and I've been doing SO good for the last couple of weeks.  It's also wreaking havoc on my mental state.  I don't like that. I thought my mental state was because of all I've been doing and now I'm starting to wonder if it was all purely sun and blue sky induced.  If so, I definitely need to move to California...

I've been doing cleaning here and there. I tackled this box that's been by my bed accruing papers in it (Since Sept 2010 was the bottom dated paper).  I shredded, sorted and filed and it took me FIVE hours that I will never get back.  I took 4 garbage bags to the NW Center of things I've collected since they stopped at the house and picked up a mountain of stuff.

I got the money from cashing out my IRA and gave myself a $500 max budget to get the Mustang on the road.  Saturday I went to the DOL and to my pleasant surprise, it was only $193 to get it licensed and transfer title (that should have been done last July).  I was thinking if it was anything less than $350 then I was good.  Fix a flat worked on the tire - YAY.  Jake put a new battery in it and it started up - YAY.  And then... he tried to drive it and it didn't want to move.  It didn't want to get out of first gear. It finally did move after several minutes of trying.  It would drive fine, but if you stopped it, then it didn't want to go again.  BOO.  So today it went to the shop.  Fingers, toes and b00bs crossed that it just needed new filters and maybe a transmission flush.  It HAD been sitting since January.  Jake called and said that they were 75% sure that flushing the transmission and doing something else would work. For $350.  Gas mileage and insurance are both about half the cost so it will pay for itself in the long run.  We decided to gamble. *gulp*  I am still waiting to hear.

Here is the picture on my desktop at work to remind me of where I am going next July!  This is Kamaole Beach, where the condo is.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hawaii 2012

The RahRah's made a serious, handshake, no-going-back pact last night that we are going to Hawaii next year. Even if we are dead.  At least me anyways.  If I die, they are taking some of my ashes to Hawaii to spread in the ocean, then tossing a lei over them.  Then I will have been lei'd in Hawaii ; )   I've never been to Hawaii and I want to go... dead or alive...

I told the guy at work that I always talk to and he's spent the morning over my shoulder on Google Maps showing me all over the island and telling me stuff to do.  He wanted to look up the condo and see where it was. He was looking up the airfare.  He seems very excited for me.  I saved one of the pics of the beach from the condo as my desktop. ")  It seems too far off (and money I don't have) to be a reality but it also seems like something fun to shoot for.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I got a mortgage loan modification!

It wasn't as much as I was hoping for... but I guess any help is help right?  It is only $200 less and I was hoping for $300-400 less.  BUT I was also told it could only be for 3 months and I got it for 6 months. It started in June (which is how far back I am in owing).   The news that freaked me out a bit is that I have to come up with $945 by Aug 31st. That is in 1 week.  I get paid Friday and that is my whole check.  I freaked out for a minute and then I realized that I didn't mail bills yesterday.

I take the max out of my check every year ($5,000) for the Flexible Spending Account ($200 a payday).  It is tax free and our family uses the whole thing before the year is over. Sad, I know. And I couldn't afford to pay the deductibles and copays if I couldn't just go to work and get reimbursed from the FSA (I write myself the checks :).  I had just gotten the bills for Karli's orthodics and Kallyn's PT and a couple other things so I got a check for $1124 last Friday.  SO I COULD PAY THESE DR BILLS.  Well, the first thing I did over the weekend was go grocery shopping. And bought gas. I kept putting off paying these bills. Yesterday I went upstairs at lunch and made myself pay these bills before the money was all gone.  I spent $800, out of the like $1500 owed, paying some people only $50 just to give them money.  But I did pay the orthodics off completely $469. I wanted that one DONE.  I need to leave work at 4:55 to get over to the Post Office in time.  Of course yesterday I was in the middle of a project and could NOT leave work on time.  I left at 5:20.  So the bills and the work mail did not get mailed.  There is a post office that is open until 6 but I have to drive 3 miles out of my way and it didn't even occur to me to do that yesterday.   Thank god.

So, after panicking for about 5 minutes about having to come up with $945 within the week, I remembered that I had't mailed those bills. Bills that really need to be mailed.  But my house has to come first. I keep debating even paying a couple of them if I am going to file bankruptcy but it is SO hard to NOT pay my bills. It is ingrained in me to be responsible.

I asked for the rest of one my IRA's a week ago and I haven't heard boo.  I asked for them to email or fax the papers.  Yesterday I faxed the request again and put a note that I was doing it in case they hadn't gotten the first request because I hadn't heard anything.  I am pretty sure I asked for fax or email for Jake's and they mailed the papers, but it was worth a try.  I need that money.  With that I can pay the orthodics bill.  That money is dwindling already and I haven't even gotten it yet. *sigh*

Mo, I am pretty sure that Alaska USA Credit Union is the one that just screwed my mom over in a huge way on a car loan.  They told her they would give her 45 days to sell the car after my dad died (she was 2 months behind on payments) and while they were telling her that, they sent a repo guy to her house to try to take the car. He was a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man that harrassed and taunted her.  We had a pretty intense, awful couple days. I am going to call her today and ask her. 

RAH RAHs tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I am happy and relaxed...relaxed and happy

Yes I am...damn it!


I think the beautiful weather we have had has been a big factor in my mood.  I am trying REALLY REALLY hard to not let this gray sky drag me down.

I went home and thoroughly cleaned the fridge last night (despite the fact that the rain made me want to just climb in bed and hide).  I probably haven't done that in 2 years. The shelves were so disgusting, I was taking them out and washing them in the bathtub.  I tried to finish going through my clothes but Kallyn wooed me with DVR's shows.  I tried to do both since the DVR is in my room, but I got too entrenched in the shows and found myself sitting on my bed, clothes forgotten...

Tonight I am either going to an AA meeting or to a friends for dinner.  Tomorrow is see RahRahs!!  Thursday my eldest leaves with a friend for the OR coast until Tuesday - the day before school starts. The day before she starts HIGH SCHOOL. (did you hear that white hair pop out of my head?)  It stresses me out that she is gone and not here to get ready.  She doesn't think there is much to do to get ready and I suppose there is not.  There is only 3 days of school and then a 3 day weekend and really the teachers will give them their supply list and then we will go shopping.  Her "Daughter's Day" is Labor Day weekend. I'm not even buying her any school clothes until then.

I felt like I was fogetting something and I just remembered. I bank at Prevail CU and I LOVE them but for various reasons I need to find another banking institution. I really don't trust banks and that is why I am at a CU.  Does anyone have a bank they love or a CU.  Can anyone join BECU now? I was thinking I heard that so I thought I would check that out.  My brother in law works for a CU but they were recently bought out by another CU.  No one is safe anymore. I want open a new account very soon. That will be another HUGE HUGE step for me.  I will be cuttting a big tie by doing so.

Oooohhh, I see some blue sky outside my window and with it, my mood is also lifting.  I really think I need to move to California someday.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Good Weekend

I don't really know what I'm gonna say so hang in there with me.  I just feel like I should Blog.

The POD IS GONE!!!!!!! I parked in the driveway Friday for the 1st time since Nov 2008. The POD was like a bad houseguest.  It was supposed to be there for a month - 2 tops and it was almost 3 years. Gone now.  Now I feel SO motivated to keep cleaning all the clutter and crap we have accumulated.  I've been SO overwhelmed and just wanted to put my head in the sand but now I feel rejuvinated.  We were packrats and had clutter before Kallyn got RSD and I spent so much time concentrating on her.  Then I left for 2 months in 2007 and then the house really fell apart (do you think Jake did anything while I was gone?) and it has NEVER recovered. I still spent time concentraing on her.  My children are more important than housekeeping.  It's not "Hoarders" level but it's bad enough that I refuse to watch that show.  So, I spent the weekend working on my bedroom and came up with 3 more bags for Good Will. I have a dresser that I haven't seen the bottom drawers since Dec 2009 because there was stuff in front of them. I opened the drawer and the girls and I had a good laugh over what was in there.  ALL of it went in the Good Will bags.

THEN... oh boy....  I have two shelves in my room that are the length of a wall and they are what I see when I lay in bed.  I have looked at them for months and thought "I REALLY want to clean those up a bit".  There are some knick-knacks of Jake's that the girls have given him.  Some books of his, some books that I have read and he said he wanted to read but I knew he never would.  I cleaned up some of that stuff. Donated the unread books.  Packed up his knick-knacks in a box of his stuff I started. I layed in bed last night and looked at the shelves in a new light.  I LIKED looking at them for the first time in over a year.  I'm not done yet but it was a start. I'm taking back a life that has not been mine in a long long time.

Oh and I went to an AA meeting Friday night.  I have not been to one since March 2010 (my AA birthday month).  I went to the meeting that I call my homegroup.  I was hoping to see some people that I just love and miss and they were there. (I'm smiling now just thinking about it).  I haven't been to a meeting in that long for two reasons.  1)I have been really angry at my higher power. I just can't explain that.  2)I was having anxiety attacks that I really can't explain but it had a lot to do w/going to mtgs w/Jake knowing that he was still drinking and lying about it. There was shame even though I knew I shouldn't feel that way. Shame that I was staying in the situation instead of getting out of it.  I was driving home from work Friday and a voice popped up in my head and told me I should go to the meeting and instead of anxiety, I felt peace and happiness. And I was greeted with open arms and love. Told how much I was missed.  There is such a bond between recovering alcoholics, that can't be explained either.

AND... after the meeting I was hit on for my first time ... in I don't know how many years.  There was guy there that I had never seen and he was HOT... and my age ... and he asked if I wanted to go to another meeting afterwards.  But he was going to Bellevue and I was not about to go off with a stranger, even though others had seen him before.  I would have to see him a couple more times at the meeting.  After he left one of the guys was like "Damn! You were just hit on" and I said "DAMN, and he WAS HOT! I wanted to go!"  I told my daughters and my youngest was actually upset with me that I didn't get his phone #!!  That shocked me.

So, good, fun, productive weekend. (And I FINALLY got to complain about it being too hot!! Yay!!) This week I get to see the RahRahs on Wednesday and I'm so looking forward to that.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Yesterday was a great day!

I had dinner with some friends I haven't seen in a long time at a place that has great food.

I was late getting to dinner because when I made my brief stop at home, I found out that the man who assured me that he would move the rest of the stuff away from the POD had not done so. (hmmmm.... who could that be?) So I had to take pull everything away from it. (there was a pile of garbage in front of it and a couple of things leaning against it.) It took about 15 minutes.  Then I had to deal with Kallyn, who has a very sore throat, and I had forgotten to stop at store to get her Sprite because I was talking on the phone to my mom...

Then after dinner I went with one of them and her friend to a bar to go D A N C I N G.  I had a blast! The band was playing 70's music and dressed up in 70's style.  I really like dancing.  I am sort of afraid I look like Elaine Benes (from Seinfeld) out on the dance floor, but I also feel like I am getting out stress and emotion and I can just sort of lose myself.

Today the sun is shing and soon

THE POD will be gooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Party in my driveway!

Oh, and I have looked at all my comment settings and it's open to everyone and you don't need a verification so I have no idea why it won't let people comment.  If you have a blogger account, instead of using the account option, try the Name/URL option and see if that works. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Hump Day Humor - a test

Below are four questions and a bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing. They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer each of them immediately.


Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's

First Question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Answer : If you answered that  you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you
overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to mess up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much
time as you took for the first question,

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)


Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are WRONG again.
Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only.. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer......


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 ..
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you'll get lhe last question right...


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ???
What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary you idiot! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,  i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing
his teeth he successfully expresseshimself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how
does HE indicate what hewants?


It's really very simple. He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

I am trying really hard to not think abou the fact that it was one month ago today that Geoff passed away.  At 9:50 pm tonight.  When I close my eyes I see him take his last breath.... but I try really hard to focus on his life.  We are in desparate need to see his vehicle right now as the repo guy is trying to take it.  My mom can sell it for more than what she owes and she NEEDS that money to be able to buy something else. She can't be carless.  The repo guy keeps calling and screaming, taunting, threatening.  We are playing cat & mouse/hide & seek with the car.  I feel like I am in a movie. I can feel Geoff with me though.  That is what counts the most.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Things are GOING to look up

You know what?  I have prayed to God that things will get better.  That luck will change.  I have begged, pleaded, been ready to trade my left kidney for it.  But I don't think that I have ever just looked up at the clear blue sky and said

"My luck IS changing damn it. Because I said so and that's all there is to it.

And I felt the sun shine brighter on me.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


Well, mostly empty.  There is a dresser, an unbuilt table in a box and a rubber maid container of LP's.  Stuff I need help lifting (Jake told me yesterday he'd come over this morning and I've not heard from him today).  BUT I am calling tomorrow to schedule it to be picked up and taken out of my driveway!!!  I got in a mood yesterday and nothing was going to stop me. I am so damn excited and proud of myself.    The NW Center is coming on Wednesday to pick up donations and I have like 7 garbage bags of stuff. I fillled up 3 bags of garbage.  I feel a huge weight off my shoulder and I know I will fee even a bigger one once I pull up into my drive for the first time in almost 3 years.

I think that will really give me the boost to keep going. I have just been buzzing since Thursday.  I'm praying that I keep it up.  I literally feel like a switch has been flipped in my head. Like the "off" switch has been turned "on."  Did I over do it yesterday?  Yes.  Do I hurt today?  Hell yes. But it's also a good, accomplished hurt. I am moving forward in my life. Damn it.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I think I fixed the commenting problem

I didn't realize there were different settings.  I still don't quite understand Blogger.  Windows Live made me mad a lot, but I understood it.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Spiritual Experience

Before I left the house this morning I decided that I was going to go to the Mukilteo waterfront at lunch.  There is a bag that has been sitting on the kitchen floor since the van got totalled (6/24/10) and I knew it had a journal that I started in it so I rummaged through the bag to look for it. (GREAT news - EVERYTHING in that damn bag is getting tossed when I get home!) I found the journal and was sad to see that I had only made 3 entries. I thought there were more. 5/27/09 was the 1st one - upset about Jake, feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  I could hardly look at him or talk to him. 3rd one was 1/13/10 (8 mos later) saying nothing was different and that I wished I had the strength to kick him out.  It took 18 months after that 1st entry before I actually did it.  EIGHTEEN MONTHS.  And I know I was miserable way before that. I know it, but just seeing it in writing sort of stunned me.

Below is what I wrote today.  I thought about keeping it to myself but I keep ranting, so I thought I should rave for once. I went to the Mukilteo waterfront and instantly the smell of salt and seaweed hit me and relaxed me.  I stepped into the sand and sat down, running my fingers through the warm sand and rocks. I felt my soul relax a little. The gentle waves lapping at the shore eased my mind. All bodies of water do something to relax me. I don't know if it's because I'm an Aquarius or just what. I soaked it all in a bit and then just started writing.  I didn't really think, I just wrote.

I just found this. So weird. 1st enry over 2 yrs ago.  It took 18 months more before I finally asked him to leave.  Now it has been almost 9 months and the only that has changed is that he's not living at home.  Geoff's death has done something to wake my ass up and realize that I'm wasting time that I should be living. Life. Is. Too. Short.

I keep saying we can't get a divorce because we can't afford it - but really we need to file bankruptcy 1st.  That way we wipe out the debts and have a clearer picture of what we split and what I will need to live on.

But I need to move forward.  I need to live. I want to clean the house out of his stuff and claim the bedroom wholly as MINE.

I want to feel ALIVE.  Right this moment I do.  When I think of the prospect of gettting all of that stuff done and behind me, I get EXCITED. I was scared before. Scared of "what comes next".  But right now I feel excited.

(and the next part is really weird, it is a prayer and I have never prayed to a "spiritual guide" before.  It just came out of me and while I wrote it, I started tingling all over and feeling like I was having the most amazing spiritual experience I think I have ever had, and I had quite a few in the first few years of AA)

Spiritual Guide, please let me stay this way.  Guide me forward and keep me going in the right direction.  Keep my mood positive and my outlook sunny.  Each day brings new opportunities.

And then my alarm went off and I had to go back to work.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Roller coaster today

I was feeling better this morning.  Wiped out, but cleansed from a good cry last night.

Then just a few little twists and turns at work (I'm SO SICK OF STUPID PEOPLE) and I've just been in a mean, horrible, cranky mood.

THEN, 20 minutes ago my eldest calls me screaming that she's going to kill her younger sister.  That she told her that she was picking her up at 12:45 and when she got almost to get her she got a text saying she was somewhere else.  I stopped her to ask why she was getting her now. To my knowledge she should have been getting her about 2:30.  She told me she was on the way to my work.  I asked why since she didn't need to be here until 3. Then she screamed "OHMYGAWD, don't tell me you don't remember our conversation last night"  I was a little stunned. I know good and well we had no conversations about changed times.  "Don't you remember me telling you about Briana's BBQ?"  I blinked my eyse. Nope.  Then she said, I was in and out of it.  I said I was NOT in and out of it when we were watching TV. She said "No, when I came back later to talk to you.".  She never came back later that I know of.  I told her that I must have been talking in my sleep.  She said my eyes were open.  (Mind you, she is still have screaming in my ear, quite pissed off that I don't remember our conversation) I WAS SLEEPING.  I have one word for you. AMBIEN.  She goes to tell me all of her plan changes that I agree to.  I asked her why in the hell would I agree to those when she knew damn well that I NEEDED HER AT MY WORK??? THAT I HAD BEGGED HER TO BE AT MY WORK FROM 3:00-5:00.  OOOOHHH I AMM JUST LIVID AND ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.

AND MY OTHER DAUGHTER.  She's pissed me off too and what she will do here for 2 hours, I have noooo idea, but I'm sort of to the point that I don't really care.

Did I say I was in a good mood this morning?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

To do

Thanks Racheal!  We still need to go visit Donna too! 

What I need to do is go meet with a Bankruptcy attorney (or two).  I had a meeting scheduled with one and didn't look at the paperwork they gave me until the night before and it was an intensive 32 pages of every money thing in my life.  It made me sick and i couldn't fill it all out and the next day I was dreading and thinking of canceling.. and I got a phone call that she called in sick.  I was like "whew" that gave me more time to fill out the paperwork correctly.  I think that was in May.  I haven't touched it. 

I believe what we need to do is file bankrupcty while we are still married.  I have even talked to the mortgage person "hypothetically" and she said she deals with it everyday.  We have everything at Prevail Credit Union - our Visa, a $12k loan, our mortgage and 2 bank accounts.  So we would be defaulting on our Visa and Loan with them. She said thatt SO many people at Prevail have had to do that recently. That yes, we'd be forced to close our accounts with them but they'd still keep the mortgage.  She is being so damn helpful with our mortgage, letting me make payments every pay day of whatever I can. I am just now starting on June. I just can't get 3 months behind.  I just filed for a modification, but that is only for 3 months and it sounds like basically what I am doing now?  She also told me if I am even thinking about filing bankruptcy then I should probably do it.  If it comes to a point that people are thinking about it, it is ususally bad enough that they need to.  I have been "thinking about it" for about 9 months now.... maybe even longer.  I even had a collections guy, that was trying to get money from me, tell me that if I was thinking about it, I should probably be doing it.  I can't even tell you how many things are in collections now.

I did start filling out the paper work for a legal separation yesterday while I was waiting for something.  I happen to have it in the truck.  You know, until Jake gets a job, I dont' know that we can get a divorce because I need to keep him on my insurance. He can't NOT have medical insurance.

The other thing I need to do is get a different bank account. 1)If I file bankruptcy then I need to get a new bank account from a different bank anyways.  2)I don't know why I keep letting Jake have access to the account and letting him buy cigarettes with my money.  The main reason is ease.  I have automatic withdrawals hooked to that account. He runs to the pharmacy for all of us and uses the debit card. He will go to the bank for me during the week.  Yes, I know... I need to stop using him for help... It is all easier said than done.  I am working my ass off 40 hours a week and he's doing nothing. He might as well be helpful. *sigh*  I kind of lost it this last week end though when I know for a fact that he bought beer with MY MONEY. 

My mom is his new best friend (he helped her  A LOT during the hospital and right after Geoff passed away but I think now she's getting tired of him.. he keeps telling he will help and then he doesn't... I keep telling her WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!)  Anyways, she doesn't care if he drinks beer there.  So he has found a place to drink out in the open. She thinks beer is harmless and hard alcohol is the bad stuff, so she doesn't care.  I really don't care. It is not my problem anymore. I told him that.  The only time it is my problem is when he wants to drive MY CHILDREN somewhere and I have to worry about whether he has been drinking or not. 

So, I have sort of hit a wall where I just want it over and done with. I was fine to just cruise along like we were but I am so done again.  How come when my mind is ready and raring to go is when my body decides to it want's to collapse?  It started crashing while Racheal was here and it just seems to keep going down. My boss has a respiratory infection (he NEVER gets sick.  1st time he's been on antibiotics in 10 years) and today I am all stuff up AND nose running.  I woke with a migraine and took my major kick-ass, worth my weight in gold migraine medicine. (I have like 3 left, they are $7 a pop and I'm not getting it refilled.  The other stuff I take is $1 a pill).  My body has ached like the flu for about 2 weeks and hurts even more the last 2 days and since Sunday I have been doubled over with stomach pain and nauseousness.  It is a little better today. I F*#$%#$ hate Fibromyalgia.

Ok, enough rambling for now.  I have a SHIT LOAD of work to do.  I am about a week behind.  No joke.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Spinning spinning

My mind is being a cyclone, twister, tornado... it just won't stop spinning.  The spinning was more powerful than ambien Saturday night.  I gave up at 3:00 am and took ambien and was still awake until almost 5.  Usually the stuff drops me in 5-10 minutes. 

It's all the same BS.  The same stuff that I keep saying I need to do but don't do.  I don't know why I don't do them.  Except for the fact that it completely overwhelms me.  The girls and I houses-at this weekend and I was determined yesterday to go home and go through papers.  My stomach has not been kind to me the last couple weeks, and yesterday was not different, but it was like driving make it a whole lot worse and I become really nauseous on top of the IBS sort of problems. Totally miserable, I went home and crawled into bed with my heating pad on my stomach, a cat on my pillow, and promptly fell asleep from 6-8:30 pm.

This whole thing with Geoff has really thrown me for a loop.  All of us.  We still cannot believe it happened.  But it goes to show how quickly life can be snatched for us.  It happened to Jeneatha too.  If something were to happen to me, my kids would be left with a huge fricken mess and a father who's really no help.  I need to get my g*# d*#% ass in gear and try to fix as much as I can sooner rather than later.  (I'm talking financially)

I keep things are fine like they are (now I'm talking divorce).  He's not living at my house, so what more do I need?  Right? That's what I keep thinking, because we can't afford to get a divorce. Wrong! Recently I have figured out that nothing is going to change, that I am just sitting in stagnant water (and this time of year there is lots of bugs in it - eww!) until there is a divorce and closure and finality.  I can not move forward in my life until I have that... and maybe I've been fine where I was because I wasn't ready to move forward yet.  But now I am.  And it's not fair to the girls, who know we are getting divorced, but still feel like they are in limbo because we are not yet.  And then there is Jake, who is not going to change either way. Well, maybe for the worse once it's final.  I already think he's getting worse. And I need to cut ties so I don't get sucked back in. 

Lists.  I need to make lists and cross things off to feel accomplished.  I need to write myself a sticky note so that I don't forget to make some lists...

I just have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I feel like that is partly why I'm nauseous, the spinning.  I just want to reach up and grab all those thoughts and make them stop.  Or at least grab one and hold on to it. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Pennies from Heaven

On Monday afternoon we were at my mom's house and Kallyn and I were in my mom's bedroom saying goodbye.  Kallyn bent down by the ironing board and picked up a quarter.  She asked my mom if that had been there earlier.  (I could tell she wanted to tell my mom about money being left behind by loved ones.) My mom said it was really weird but the day before, the pants she had worn to the memorial had been washed and folded and when she picked them up to iron them, change fell out of the pocket.  It had made her think of Geoff because he always had change in his pocked.  He NEVER spent change, he always saved it. She thought she had picked it all up. THEN Kallyn went on to explain the leaving of pennies and other coins by Mo's daddy.

We went home and about 10 minutes later Kallyn came running into my bedroom with a penny in her hand.  She said that when she pulled back her blankets, there was penny on her pillow.  She couldn't believe it after we had just been talking about it.  I said I was sure it happened BECAUSE we had just been talking about it.

The next day my mom had to call me because the lady downstairs had finally moved out and mom was starting work on it and had moved this little table downstairs.  Nothing else was down there.  Nothing. A little while later she took something else down there... and a penny was laying on the table. I don't know if she thought were blowing hot air, but it totally blew her away.  A little later Hailey, the adorable 5 y/o my mom watches, was swinging on the swingset and said "I just felt Geoff push me, I know his spirit is still here."

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Monday I woke up at 6:45 with my head struck my lightening, texted my boss with one eye open and went back to sleep until 1:13. 

Right before I woke up I had this dream about spiders. It was almost a hallucinatory (if that's not a word, it is now) type dream.  Spiders of every shape, color and size. They just kept appearing out of nowhere.  One of them had this big round shell that looked like a turtle but with southwest colors and design.  It was sort of cool, if I wasn't sure he was going to eat me.  The worst one was this one that appeared in front of me with this big web.  He was about a foot long and 4-5 inches wide and black. That was when I woke up.  I woke up scratching a bug bite on my knee.  I went to the bathroom and while I was going, I looked down at my knee and the bite was about the size of a dime!  I HAD A SPIDER BITE.  How frickin creepy is that? 

All day long if I closed my eyes, I saw the spiders, even blinking. 2 days later and it still happens randomly.  *shudder*

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Saturday - crazy busy day, Costco, Airport to pick up my son, cooking chicken wings and making Geoff's favorite: Deviled eggs.  I always had to make potato salad or deviled eggs. Creating display board, etc ect. Up until 1:30 a.m.

Sunday - up at 7 a.m., very nice memorial, surrounded by my lovely lovely friends and family. The night before, one of my friends texted and asked if it was ok "if people like me are there"  It was kind of like WTH? People LIKE YOU are what are holding me together so I don't implode into a million pieces! Of course you can come. Had a late lunch with my mom.

Monday - migraine from hell. missed work. Now I have 2 tons of work to do instead of 1 ton. Jake took Karli to camp until Friday.  Had dinner with my mom and Hailey, the little girl she watches Mon-Wed (head was just a roaring tension headache)

Tuesday - woke up and my cell phone was dead.  DEAD.  Verizon is sending me a free replacement because thank-the-gods, my warranty hadn't expired yet.  I have lost any contacts since last October and most of my pictures. Did I need this? Like another hole in the head.  Actually, maybe a hole in the head would let some of the tension leak out and it wouldn't throb so much.  Planning on having dinner with my mom & Hailey. (Hailey LOVES loves loves me - she told my mom that she wants me to marry her daddy so I can be her mommy and Kallyn and Karli will be her sisters and my mom will be her grandma.  She's 5 and she has it all figured out. She loves her mommy, but I can be her other mommy.)