Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I'm going to try this thing again

It's been over a month since I've blogged.  I think of things to blog all the time and for some reason I feel a sort of panic attack start to come on when I think of blogging.  I have no idea why.  I am making myself blog right now while my heart is racing.  I think it is because I am so completely overwhelmed that I am afraid to put feelings out there and I'm afraid that I will just completely lose it.  I swear I can actually taste the water as it slaps against my face as I am bobbing in the water... drowning... and every day I swear I am going to do the things I need to do... make the phone calls I need to make and then the day goes on and I don't do it.  It is like I am frozen and can't. Then I think I will do the paper stuff I am supposed to do when I get home, and when I get home I am so completely exhausted... and depressed, that I just want to crawl into bed and read or watch TV to block out the real world and tell myself that I will do it the next day during lunch.

My brain feels SO sluggish and almost filled with mud, as does my body.  I've been having a really bad attack on my left side from my hip down and I just asked the Dr for medicine that helped when I had the same thing happen in January but it didn't help this time. I just finished the med and my butt cheek (piriformis muscle) is still on fire.  Literally like a fire is burning in it and it radiates down my leg.  Old injuries that I have had in my leg are haungting me like they are there are again.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?  I had a bone spur in my ankle in 2003.  It feels like it's back but I know it isn't. So I think my brain is shutting down from the pain and stress.  Flight or fight and it is fleeing.  It just does not want to think or do anything.  I give myself pep talks and then I don't do things and end up yelling at myself.  I have the angel and devil and my shoulders that are constantly at odds. 

So, there is my whining. I have had several good things happen in June, it was a very busy month but it still seems that for every step forward, it is two steps back.