Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Us 3 girls are going to our first "family" counseling session today at 2.  I am very nervous.  I think today will just be a background - get to know her sort of thing, but I still think it will be stressful.

Kar doesn't talk cuz she doesn't want to upset her sister but she agreed to go so she's going to have to talk.

Things go SO up and down.  Good for a day or two and then I'm always the bad guy and ruin it all. *sigh*

My mother seems to have turned even more on the mad side.  She's moved into a mobile home and Jake is moving in with Kal.  That means I can move his stuff out of the house and make it even more mine.

Remodeling the rooms have been fun and C is a wiz at getting materials from people, stain and paint for free, it's really not costing anything - it's time and sweat. He's done SO SO much work, I just can't believe it. 

That's all I have.  I leave work in a half hour to go to counseling and my stomach's in knots.  Wish us luck.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I am going to a cousins wedding on Sunday and I just found out my sister wasn't invited.  Now, I don't know if it was an oversight or on purpose.  My mom claims it was on purpose but one can't always believe what my mom says.  I would like to give my cousin the benefit of the doubt.  She is a very family oriented person.  When she found out that much of the family wasn't invited to her brothers wedding she called them up and gave them earful and made them invite the family.

Yes, my sister is develpmentally disabled.  Yes, she isn't attractive and neither is her husband.  They are both a little weird and quirky, BUT they are family.  Her feelings were hurt but she moved recently and she thinks my cousin must have just not had her address.

I am tempted to ask my cousin.  And normally probably would.... except there has already been an issue that I caused (well, I didn't necessarily cause, but was in the middle of) for her wedding so I don't want to cause her any more greif.  But ... I don't know.... if she didn't invite my sister on purpse, I almost don't want to go to the wedding...

Life is SO hard right now.  I am greiving over something, incredibly stress over something and so very happy about something else.  All of those emotions are wreaking havoc on my body.  Pretty bad Fibro flare up and a horrible tension headache that keeps triggering a migraine.  I hate it when I have a headache cycle like this. It is VERY hard to break it. *sigh*

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


When I got back from Kar's SB game last night (Which they won 31-13!!), there sitting on the porch was tile and all the stuff that is needed to tile a bathroom!!! 

A few weeks ago C had told me that if I picked out different tile that he would do it.  The stuff that I had picked out 5 years ago (yes, it's been that long since the bathroom remodel) is a very difficult tile - each 12x12 tile is really made up of 9 3x3 tiles that are hooked together. Makes laying it down and grouting a lot harder....which is why I haven't attempted it myself.  So I picked out a plain tannish tile - the cheapest thing that the large chain store had. I told him I couldn't afford to do it for awhile though. 

So last night I come home to everything needed sitting there.  He says it needs to be done before the plywood is all ruined and needs to come up.... so he's just going to do it. 

I just gott new tires on my truck last week, because safety is important; and now a tiled bathroom - probably on Thursday.  Feeling very lucky and grateful right now. (Which I already do every time I look out at my yard!)

Monday, May 14, 2012

Lots going on

It's been almost a month since I've posted. 

A lot has been going on and I just can't blog about most of it... can't put it out on the web for people to see.  Let's just say that at the moment a little piece of me has died.

On a happy note - Kar's SB team is in the playoffs!  They play a game tonight and it they win, the championship game is Wednesday night.  Unfortunately I work at pizza and won't be able to see it. 

It really bums me out, but at the moment I need all the $ I can get... and it's my fault for procrastinationg filing bankruptcy and now I have a garnishment on my check and 42% of my next couple of checks is being taken.  Oh, it's 25% of gross... but it ends up being 42% of my next.  If I get my bankruptcy filed, I might be able to get it stopped.  I've worked on the paperwork, but it literally makes me sick while I'm working on it and with the other issue I've got going on, it is just SO hard.  But I am finally working on it. 

Going home early today with a migraine.  Kar stayed home with a migraine.  Stress is a horrible thing for the body.  I have a Fibro flare up going on too.  But enough complaining. :-)  Just trying to live life on life's terms the best that I can, one day at a time.

Monday, April 16, 2012

What a lovely weekend

Loved the weather last weekend!! I had to work Friday til 8:30 and part of the day Saturday, but I still got to enjoy it some.  Got to go to the dump again... still got a few more trips, but it's getting there.  Got more yard work done (ok, my yard man did most of the yardwork... but I did help some!).  Last night I went with a couple friends to see a Van Halen tribute band.  They were totally awesome! 

Yesterday Kal texted that she was feeling horrible and that my mom thought she should go to the ER.  I told her not the ER but Urgent Care.  She said she couldn't drive.  I told her that I was on my way to the dump but I would be happy to take her when I got back if her dad or gma hadn't or wouldn't take her before.  She said she didn't want to be a burden.  I told her she wasn't a burden, she was my daughter.  She said "ok, what time?"  I felt a little joy.  Not that she was sick, but that she wanted her mommy.  Both Jake and my mom were home and easily would have taken her right then, but she was willing to wait an hour so her mom could take her. 

She looked like death warmed over and is being treated for a sinus infection and given an inhaler.  Since she already has stomach issues, the mucus is what's causing her to puke. When I dropped her off I told her I love her, like I always do and for the first time since she moved out, she told me she loved me too.  That made my heart smile big.

Today is Kars "guy of interest" birthday.  He is coming to dinner and so is Kal.  When I told her about it yesterday, she said she wanted to come.  THAT made me happy.  In texting with her a little earlier, she said "I hate to ask but is Craig going to be there?" AAAHHH, I was so excited about her coming, I didn't even think about that.  No, I don't think he planned to come over and it's easy enough to make sure he doesn't - I just HATE that she won't even try to be around him and that I HAVE to think about it and plan around it.  It makes my heart hurt.  I want the 4 of us to do stuff together.  I am so excited to have her over for dinner though!! <3

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!!

I think I'm back.  I'm kind of scared to blog because of everything that went on at the end of last year and earlier this year.  I quit blogging because of it but all of a sudden today I really missed it.  I don't know if anyone even really read it, felt like I was talking to myself most of the time, but sometimes it's nice to just put down what I'm thinking.

I am not going to talk about K much but I can't really talk about MY life without mentioning her a little. As you know, she moved out in mid-February.  She is still gone and plans to continue to do so.  I really thought after a couple weeks she might come home, but it doesn't look like that will happen.  It seems like we go 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  She still has a lot of anger towards me and I just don't understand it. She thinks it doesn't bother me that she's gone but of course it does.  It cuts me like a knife in the heart that we are estranged like we are. 

That is all I am going to say on that subject.

Karli is playing softball and her team is doing really well!  They are a Sophmore team and playing in the HS team now so have played a couple teams that are mostly Seniors and CREAMED one of them.
She has really improved this year in all areas.  She made an impossible catch in the outfield on Monday. She is doing well in HS and she has rekindled an old romance with a boy that the whole family loves.

And then there is me. I really like working at the pizza place. It is doing something active and social.  My hours vary from 7-12 hrs (that's the most so far) but may increase.  We had talked about 16 when I was hired.  He's taking it slow for business reasons and to make sure I can handle two jobs. I LOVE Pete.  I am hating my other job.  Having quite a few resentments towards my boss right now. I need to give myself an attidute adjustment because getting a different job, at least for this year just really isn't possible.

I was amazed by the amount of my tax refund and for the first time in at least 2 years - I GOT CAUGHT UP ON MY MORTGAGE!  I paid April early and will pay May on time.  Then I'm screwed because my modification is over and my payments go back up $250 a month.  I was about to file bankruptcy and then got my check so I have put it off.  I really have to decide to do it or not so I can file for divorce.  Because even though I pretty much consider myself divorced, I guess others do not. Having that closure would be nice. 

Have any of my friends been by my house in the last week?  If so, you will have noticed an AWESOMELY AMAZING difference to my front and side yard and the back yard is just as amazing. It hasn't looked this good in several years.  My BF has spent many many hours mowing, weeding, raking, scrubbing etc... he's taken 3 trips to the dump and has collected another pile to go.  He is like the energizer bunny when he gets started and just doesn't stop until it's dark.  Even then... he's been burning a lot of what pine needles & pine branches so he's kept at it at night too. He says he wants to do it - it's nice to see a project from start to finish and feel accomplished.  <3

There is so much waste it makes me sick. There was so much sickness in my house before and I think I was kinda dead inside and just couldn't do more than I was doing.  Outside just didn't matter and so I was no help out there either.  We had to remodel the bathroom (completely gutted it) because the drywall started getting moldy because we didn't have a fan.  We redid the bathroom and bought a cool fan with a heating lamp to put in the ceiling.  Did that ever get put in?? Big fat nope.  That was Aug 2006. The fan sat outside and is ruined.  $60 going to the dump. The tile never got done either.  I will take blame for that though because I keep saying I'm going to do it and I chicken out.  We spent $60 on some little outdoor lights to line the walk to our steps since they are hard to see.  He was always going to do that "later".  Going to the dump.  So much stuff like that. *sigh*  But it is now done and over. :-)

In that area of my life I am very happy right now.  He makes me happy.  He makes me laugh.  He rarely sits still and is always tinkering with something.  That is contagious.

My eldest hates him and my youngest likes him. If only everything was right with my eldest, then all would be right with my world. But I keep truckin along, doing the best I can.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I'm still here

Not doing great.  Either is Karli, but we are coping.  I'm having difficulty doing the things I'm supposed to be doing paperwork wise. It's just SO overwhelming. I just missed 3 days of work, I feel like crap physically, emotionally and spiritually. Up and down. So hard to explain so I'm just staying away. Sometimes you have to force a smile on your face and "fake it til you make it" so that's what I'm trying to do to the best of my ability.