Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ahhhh Mo

I know that you and Martha and Tiffany have all been through hell and I am sure that I will be calling on you all. I am still in the shocked phased. I keep repeating to myself "I am getting divorced. I can't believe that I am getting divorced." I felt a lot stronger before I did it.... before he moved out. Even though he hasn't slept in the bed for a week and when he was in the bed, I was as close to the other side as I could be... last night the bed seemed really empty... I am just a conundrum right now. I see my therapist today and I am sure I will feel stronger afterwards. I can't wait. Boy he's going to be surprised.

Kallyn told me yesterday that she remembers that when we were in California that I said that now I knew that if I ever needed to do it on my own that I could. I had gone to California, moved into an apartment and lived there for 2 months on my own. It made me feel stronger and independent. She said that she keeps thinking of that and it makes her feel better and stronger. That she knows that we can do it. (just as long as I can pay the mortgage and not have the house foreclosed...)

Back to work ...

Monday, November 29, 2010

DeeJays Doodles, Rants & Raves: EmOtIoNaL RoLlEr CoAsTeR

So,I wanted him out and he is gone...so why do I feel empty and alone instead of happy and relieved? The girls have left me now and I'm trying not to cry. I will read until I fall asleep so there is no laying there in the dark with my mind racing.

Kallyn stayed home tonight she says because she didn't want me to come home to an empty house (tho her sister was home). Us 3 girls ate dinner in bed and watched TV and snuggled. Their dad texted them good night. He is staying at his friends house where our tent trailer is parked. He set the tent trailer up earlier to sleep in it (he called me to tell me he cut his thumb good & probably needed stitches but he was just going to put a couple bandaids on it & to ask if he could take a portable heater out of our bedroom). He let them know he's going to sleep inside in there spare bedroom tonight. I KNOW they have a spare room & thought that might be a possibility from the start. Jake was this guys boss two jobs ago & treated him really well. He & his wife just LOVE Jake.

I guess I'll go read now.

EmOtIoNaL RoLlEr CoAsTeR

I thought he would leave over the weekend but he didn't. Everyone in the house has taken a turn of being sick and now it is my turn. Jake went to the Dr. Saturday & was supposed to have blood taken but they sent him home with a 100.6 temp. I woke up Sunday feeling very crummy. Head all stuffy and body all achy. I spent the day in bed and didn't have the eneryg to go ask him why he was still sitting on the couch. Today we have emailed back & forth and he is going to be gone when I get home.

Now that it is going to happen, I feel like I am going to start crying. I have gone back & forth all weekend. Angry because I want him OUT. I want the house back. I feel like he drags it down and makes it feel depressed and gloomy, like a dark gray cloud always in the house and once he is gone that it will feel lighter and brighter in the house. But then when I think about him actually LEAVING. Then it makes it REAL. So far it isn't so real because he is still there. Once he takes a bag of clothes out the door and spends the night away from the house, that is IT. We are REALY going to get divorced. And while it IS a good thing, it is also a SCARY thing. I KNOW it is what I NEED to do, but that doesn't mean that I am not scared to death at the same time. I am 40. We have been together half my life. 20 years. He has been the most consistent male figure in my life.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm getting a D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Most of you who might read this know, but there are a few that don't. That is what I have be alluding to, but didn't want to say it outright until after I had told my husband that I wanted one.

I told him last Sunday A.M. and we told the girls last Sunday evening. Kal saw it coming but she didn't think it would happen so soon, Kar was shocked and did not take it well at all. I knew she wouldn't. I told him I wanted him out of the house right away. Well... then this white stuff came down and it was sort of hard to go anywhere for a few days and then BAM - Thanksgiving was upon us and we had already decided to still all go to his mom's for dinner as planned.

When I told him he had to find a place, I suggested his dad or a friend of his that lives close by that I KNOW has a spare bedroom. It also happens to be where our tent trailer is parked, so there's that too. I did NOT want him asking his mommy. 1) When he got sober in 89 he moved in for a weekend and stayed 2 years 2) She has alcohol in her house that she shouldn't have to worry about 3) She doesn't deserve to have to take care of him and put up with his screw ups 4) HE NEEDS TO GROW UP. When I left for work Monday, he told me he was going to go see his mom and talk to her about living there. (crap!)

Now, I am closer to her than I am to my own mom and we have now been through a sort of hell together the last 3 1/2 years with Jakes on & off again drinking so I decided to call her on my way to work (I knew she'd be up) and tell her myself about us (she has told me in the past that she couldn't believe that I was still w/him and that she'd totally support my decision & be there for me if I ever left him) I debated with myself for a minute that it was HIS mom, that he should tell her and I should stay out of it BUT she is one of THEE kindest, most generous people and I think people take advantage of her, so I sort of wanted to warn her so she could have time to build up her defenses and not be caught off guard in a weak moment and say "sure, come live with me" or "no, you can't live with me, but here's $500." So, I told her. She said she understood and she was sorry.

I worked the day, feeling a whole mixture of feelings. I had a total breakdown at lunchtime. Grieving for the marriage we had, the man I married. The man that LEFT ME a few years ago. It was before the relapse, it was more like around the time of the shoulder surgeries - so we've been downsliding for more like 6-7 years. I came home from work and Kal told me that he didn't go see his mom, that he told her that everytime he picked up the phone to call her to see if she was home he felt like he was going to puke. He just spent the day on the couch in shock. WAAA He told me when I got home that he wasn't doing good. That he was really sick to his stomach. I just looked at him like "And that is my problem how?" and kept going to my bedroom. He told me Thursday morning that he promised he'd talk to his mom Friday. Ok. Friday at about 3 I asked him if he was having dinner with his mom. He said no, that he was going over that afternoon. I said "Um, it IS afternoon, it's almost evening!" He asked if I had told my mom yet and I said no. He asked what he should say to his mom (I was not going to let him off the hook and tell him that I already told her. I didn't care if he knew that I told her 1st, I just wanted him to HAVE to MAN UP and tell her, because he didn't want to because it was hard). I said "Just tell her. She knows you've been drinking because Jason told her before he went back to MN. She won't be that surprised by it because she's told me before that she's surprised that I have put up with you for so long." Yes, I did so say it - call me a bitch if you want to.

Then when I went to walk out the door to go somewhere he said, "I think I will ask her if I can stay when Jan & Pete leave." See his mom has company coming on the 29th for a week. I DON'T THINK SO. I said through gritted teeeth. "I think you should just ask your dad if you can stay there." I found out later thru Kal that he went to Lake Pleasant to look at RV spots to park the tent trailer. HOW DOES HE THINK HE's GOING TO PAY FOR THAT????

He had coffee with his dad this morning. That is a semi-regular Saturday thing they do. So he supposedly told him. I hope he asked to live there.

He hasn't told me about either conversation. He rarely volunteers info. I have to ask "So, what did so and so say?" I am SO TIRED of having to force conversation or information out of him. I am not sure if I can even believe him. I will wait until he decides to tell me something. Or until I have to pressure him to move. I told him he HAD to leave. I said, "Please don't make me go to court and get an order to make you move because that will cost money or better yet don't make me call Tif, cuz she will come remove your ass from this house and you know she could do it!"

I have wonderful friends that have been texting me quite often to check in with me. So far things don't feel much different. That will come when he actually leaves. That will be another blow to the girls. Make it more real. Kal & Kar went somewhere together after Thanksgiving dinner and Kal texted me that Kar cried all the way there. I asked "Why?" and she said "It"s our last Thanksgiving as a family. Our last real Holiday. Just sad." That text sort of punched me in the stomach but I pushed it aside and thought "I AM DOING THIS FOR MY GIRLS AND MY HEALTH. IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION" That may have to become my mantra if I ever start to doubt myself.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Next chapter of my life

I want to blog but don't have time right now curse it all.

I made big changes this weekend and I want to write about it. I had just turned on the computer last night when a daughter came into my bedroom and threw herself at me and wrapped her body tightly around mine and didn't want to let go. She fell asleep like that and stayed home sick today. She has a horrible cough and cold besides being heartbroken.

I am leaving at 1:30 today to go to a Rheumatology appt. My appt isn't until 3 but it takes at least 45 minutes on a good, no traffic day. You add in the snow, and I just don't know so I am not taking any chances. I will get to leave the appt in time for the horrible rush hour traffic. It will probably take me two hours to get home.

A huge thank you to all my friends that are being soooo supportive. I am being texted constantly with little hugs and check ins on how I am doing. It really helps to keep me upright, focused and not melting into a puddle.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pray for me

I cannot get in to it too much here right now, not yet. You will be hearing more from me in the future. Much much more. I need all the strength I can get so any prayers are much appreciated. I just had lunch with my daughter and mamma bear is coming out. My head wants to explode, my heart is hurting. I sort of feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes, shedding my old skin and wearing a new skin of armor as I prepare for battle. I am woman hear me roar.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I swear that my husband LIKES TO SUFFER. That he enjoys being in pain and being able to complain and play the sympathy card. When I came home on Sunday he had a migraine. "Did you take your Maxalt and then take another one 2 hours later?" BECAUSE HE OFTEN DOES NOT TAKE A 2nd ONE. "Oh, I only had 1 left" he mumbles pathetically. "WHY WOULD YOU ONLY HAVE 1 AND NOT CALL IT IN???" I shouted in a whisper. I wanted to beat him. He still had a migraine Monday and says his head is still pounding today. He went to the pharmacy to pick up various scrips today. (we keep that place in business). He said that driving made him dizzy. "I have been out of Celexa since Saturday though so that could be part of my headache and dizziness." MY HEAD JUST ABOUT EXPLODED!!!! WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO MANY GOD DAMN F@#%!#$%#% TIMES!!!!! I TAKE CELEXA. KAL TAKES CELEXA. THERE IS NO @#%!$#^#!$ REASON FOR HIM TO GO WITHOUT IT AND IT HAPPENS ALL THE @%#$%@#$ TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Thank god I am seeing a therapist. Thank you thank you Mike for recommending me to someone that I like so very much.

Cabin in the Woods

I was invited for a weekend away by a very good friend who is more like an adopted sister. My mother-in-law has nanny'd her 7 y/o since she was 5 wks old and pretty much taken the whole family under her wings and adopted them. My girls call her Aunt Tif and think of her 2 daughters as their cousins.

So it was Tif and her 2 girls (7 & 11)and a friend of Tif's - Kellie and her 2 boys (13 & 15) and me. All 7 of us packed into Tif's Honda Pilot and I mean PACKED. We set off for the 2 hour drive into the Mountains at 1:30 on Friday. It was a looooong drive. I quickly learned that the 13 y/o was a smart ass (I didn't mind that so much, he was sort of like my daughters. He was giving Tif crap about her spray on tan and all the adults about their age (dinosaurs). But the 15 y/o was more like a whiney 5 y/o. He sat right behind me. He was shuffling these cards over and over JUST TO BE ANNOYING. He said that Chels (the 7 y/o) was being annoying (she wasn't), why couldn't he? She kept saying to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Finally she punched him in the leg. Evidentally his house key was right there so then he started to cry. OMG.

We arrived and got to meet Bryce. He went to school w/Tif & Kellie and was the owner of the cabins. The one we stayed in sleeps up to 8 and he owns another that sleeps about 22. It was beautiful. I want to the RahRah's to go!!! He only charged Tif $100 a night but it's usually $175 but if you split that by 6 or 8 then it's not bad at all.

Bryce has an Anatolian Shepard named Ella - she is HUGE. Chels fell in love immediately and asked if she could trade her for her sister! (no deal was made) He said she guards the perimeter of his property for predators like mountain lions and bears. There just happen to be a bear in the area. You also burn a bonfire at night to help keep animals away. Not scary at all! Chels also seemed to have quite the crush on Bryce and followed him everywhere. It was very cute.

Saturday while Whiney boy was in the hottub, he stood up and Ash (11 y/o) hit him with a soft slushy snowball and he cried like a wounded animal. He got out of the hot tub and came in the house and had to lay down because he hurt so bad. He acted like a two y/o it was AWFUL. 15 YEARS OLD!

Saturday we went in to Leavenworth - not the prison, but a Bavarian town in the mountains. I love to go there. It is full of shops and it is much nicer to go without children. We had lunch (a delicious Reuben!) and went to the grocery store to get dinner fixins and went back to the cabin.

All in all it was a very nice weekend and I can't wait to go back. Perhaps in January? I heard back from Deb & Barb that they were in but nothing from Mo or Martha or Bobbie.... Now that I mentioned bears I probably won't get Mo to budge but then she's been tent camping with bears....

Friday, November 12, 2010

And so it continues

I have continued to feel good all week. I keep finding myself smiling. I have hardly had any pain. I even had a comment from a coworker that I looked like I was feeling better. Two of the guys I work with have commented at times that my pain makes them hurt.

I was invited to go to a cabin in the mountains this weekend with a good friend and her daughters. Another friend of hers and her sons are going as well, I have just met her once but she seems nice enough. We are all riding together and I think it will be a blast. I am SO looking forward to it. She said it is about 20 min from Leavenworth for those that know the area.

I was going to work in Tacoma yesterday and was about to leave the house at 7 - about 15 min later than I had planned when the gal who covers for me called in sick. I decided I HAD to go to my normal workplace instead. At 10 I got a phone call from the head guy in the Tacoma office mad that I didn't show up there. The next phone call was a field guy in my office saying he was coming in for the day to catch up on paperwork, that his field jobs were shut down due to the Holiday. So, at 10:30 I made the 90 minute trip to the other office. I planned to work leave there at 4 but it was almost 5, so I got home at 6:30. Loooong day! But I was VERY productive in Tacoma, he really DID need me to go down there.

While I was there I got a call from my boss who is on vacation. He always ends up spending about half of his vacation time woring and this is no different. It was actually his birthday yesterday and his wife's on Sunday, but they are in Phoenix to see her dad and talk to lawyers about his care. He has Parkinson's and is in a home. Not a cheery vacation and he is working to boot. So when he asked me to come in at 7 to help him do something that could prevent us from losing $6,000, I was more than happy to (GULP) start work at 7 AGAIN.

Do you know that for 12 years I worked 4 tens and started work at 7 am? I don't know how the hell I did it because I have trouble getting to work at 8 now. I guess the incentive of having that extra day off during the week helped. I REALY liked having that day off during the week.

Ok, I actually brought A LOT of unfinished work with me from Tacoma and I am leaving at noon today to go play so I gotta get busy!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Laughter is the best medicine

Saturday night my aunt (the one that is 18 mo. younger than me) and I met up with 3 other people that were our best friends when we were young teens. They were all key people in keeping me sane. The 4 of them lived in the same neighborhood and I lived a little over an hour north. When my sister went to her dads every other weekend, I got to escape being a mini-mother and be a teenager. I didn't really have friends where I lived, my aunt was my best friend.

We had all found each other on FB and kept talking about having a reunion and we finally made it happen. There were actually 3 guys and 3 girls but 1 guy lives in SD so it was 5 of us. One of the guys has recently divorced and had just gotten an apartment with nothing in it so he thought it was a proper way to break it in. We had decided it would be a sleep over as we were thinking that we would just be there late catching up.

We laughed and laughed. There were many trips down memory lane. Many fuzzy memories but between us all we could put the pieces together. My cheeks were hurting from laughing so hard. We also got serious. It seems that everyone has something serious going on in our lives and we had deep conversations that I don't think any of us intended to have and then we got over it and got back to laughing again. It was like we had never been apart. We brought some games in case things got awkward. They sat there. At 2:51 I changed the clock back to 1:51 and the 3 drinking really liked that. Soon it was 5:00 a.m. (Where did the time go??) and my aunt I went to bed but we could still hear some chatter in the living room. My aunt and I probably talked until 6 and she was woken at 8 by her daughter calling to say loudly GOOD MORNING MOMMY!!!

I stayed awake all day Sunday and kept thinking I would pay on Monday. That my Fibro body would revolt on me. That I would probably wake with a migraine or at least in a huge amount of body pain. I did a lot of walking on Saturday before I went. But guess what? I woke just fine on Monday!!! I was still feeling the high from Saturday night. I went to the Chiropractor this morning but my mental state is still in that high and I truly think that is making my body feel better.

The guy from SD is coming to visit the end of January (we called him on speaker at 11:00 his time) so we are planning our next get together. We kept saying it couldn't just be one of those one time things and then we yada yada "we'll do this again" we are REALLY going to do it again. Since we did it without the other guy we HAVE to do it again - right?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I voted... but whats the point?

Saturday I picked up the voter's pamphlet and just about fell over - it was HEAVY! I don't know what the point of all the ads and mailers are besides WASTING MONEY! I don't just get mad at all the negativity but at all the money wasted. But I guess the printers were having a heyday. It was Christmas for them with all the mailers being printed. Mine just go straight into the garbage. I don't read them because I am too mad at the money being wasted. The only thing I read is the voter's pamphlet.

It made my head spin on some of the Initiatives and I had to put it down several times and I took the whole weekend, but I did it. I even voted for the damn Judge Jim Johnson even though I didn't in the primary solely because of his name. I told him I was sorry but I couldn't do it. But this time I read his info and mumbled that I was sorry to Mo and voted for him (he was running unopposed). Yesterday I proudly put my ballot in the mail.

This morning on the radio I was hearing that this Initiative was defeated and this one passed and yada yada. WHAT? But MY ballot hasn't been counted yet!! What about all the other ones mailed yesterday? So much for my vote counting.

However, when it comes down to the STUPID STUPID Patty Murry v Dino Rossi it may count. I can see that one coming down to a recount. Especially if the weasel is under by a few again. He likes recounts. Sorry if I offend anyone but I just do not like that man.

I really do not like the mail in ballot. I want to go to the polls and vote. Then the votes ARE counted THAT night. I don't like that they took that choice away from me. Kallyn almost cried when she turned 18 and wanted to go to the polls and vote and we told her you didn't do that anymore. We had to set up a poll booth at our kitchen table for her.

There is blue sky out this morning and I was feeling good but now I am feeling like I am defeated. "( I gotta give myself a little talking too and an attitude adjustment!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Mo Moment ; )

I had to pick Karli & her BF up from her friends house at 10 on Halloween night. I don't like her friend's driveway as it has a little hill to it, with a two block high retaining wall, and you have to drive through a chain link fence/gate, which means backing out of the said gate and I don't back up well. Especially at night.

I was backing up and noticed that I was awfully close to the fence on the drivers side, but I made it (yay!) backing up slowly and turning to the left and there was a sickening THUMP, and GRATING stop. Oh my F@$%@#$ GOD! My left rear tire had gone off the 2 cement blocks and my car door was stuck at the top of the little wall. S T U C K. I could feel my face go three shades of red. Karli said she would go get her friends dad. Oh Lord. Her friend came running out of the house and said this had happened before, they could just take the top block off. I looked. I didn't think so. The dad came out out and mumbled something and went off to the garage. Karli's FB mentioned this was a good time to have AAA. I thought "I am NOT spending hours out here. I am TIRED!" I wanted to cry. Meanwhile the car was running and I thought I should probably turn it off. I didn't need to kill the guy too.

So I half sat and kind of reached into the car to turn off the engine. The CAR STARTED ROLLING BACKWARDS!! A huge sickening scraping of noises and thuds and bangs and I started rolling backwards across the road towoard the ditch. Since the car was stuck, I hadn't thought to put it in park. It was just sitting there in drive. I slammed it into park. I tried to slam on the brake but stepped on the gas. I pried my left foot out of the door (where the door had slammed on my leg and slammed on my foot) and used my left foot to brake. It was all happening so fast my brain was not comprehending or working.

When I looked up, there in the headlights stood the guy with a ramp in one hand and something else in the other hand with a "whatthehelldidyoujustdothatfor?" look on his face. Then he said "Well, try to turn it on." WHAT? TRY? Oh lordy lord. It BETTER start. Thank god it did. I eeked it out of the road and slightly back into their driveway so the kids could get back into it. I went over to the spot in their yard where the grass was torn up and said I was sorry. Guy said not to worry about it and he reached his arms out to hug me as I was visibly shaking. I told him I had 20 years of sobriety and had not been drinking and he could smell my breath. He just sort of laughed. It took me the ride to Kar's BF's house and back before I was calm. My whole left side in pain. My left foot sort of numb & tingling. I have a bruise on my leg. I actually debated whether to tell Jake or not but Karli took care of that for me as soon we got home. She couldn't wait to tell dad she wasn't ever riding with mom again (with a big smile on her face - turkey).