I'm getting a D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Most of you who might read this know, but there are a few that don't. That is what I have be alluding to, but didn't want to say it outright until after I had told my husband that I wanted one.

I told him last Sunday A.M. and we told the girls last Sunday evening. Kal saw it coming but she didn't think it would happen so soon, Kar was shocked and did not take it well at all. I knew she wouldn't. I told him I wanted him out of the house right away. Well... then this white stuff came down and it was sort of hard to go anywhere for a few days and then BAM - Thanksgiving was upon us and we had already decided to still all go to his mom's for dinner as planned.

When I told him he had to find a place, I suggested his dad or a friend of his that lives close by that I KNOW has a spare bedroom. It also happens to be where our tent trailer is parked, so there's that too. I did NOT want him asking his mommy. 1) When he got sober in 89 he moved in for a weekend and stayed 2 years 2) She has alcohol in her house that she shouldn't have to worry about 3) She doesn't deserve to have to take care of him and put up with his screw ups 4) HE NEEDS TO GROW UP. When I left for work Monday, he told me he was going to go see his mom and talk to her about living there. (crap!)

Now, I am closer to her than I am to my own mom and we have now been through a sort of hell together the last 3 1/2 years with Jakes on & off again drinking so I decided to call her on my way to work (I knew she'd be up) and tell her myself about us (she has told me in the past that she couldn't believe that I was still w/him and that she'd totally support my decision & be there for me if I ever left him) I debated with myself for a minute that it was HIS mom, that he should tell her and I should stay out of it BUT she is one of THEE kindest, most generous people and I think people take advantage of her, so I sort of wanted to warn her so she could have time to build up her defenses and not be caught off guard in a weak moment and say "sure, come live with me" or "no, you can't live with me, but here's $500." So, I told her. She said she understood and she was sorry.

I worked the day, feeling a whole mixture of feelings. I had a total breakdown at lunchtime. Grieving for the marriage we had, the man I married. The man that LEFT ME a few years ago. It was before the relapse, it was more like around the time of the shoulder surgeries - so we've been downsliding for more like 6-7 years. I came home from work and Kal told me that he didn't go see his mom, that he told her that everytime he picked up the phone to call her to see if she was home he felt like he was going to puke. He just spent the day on the couch in shock. WAAA He told me when I got home that he wasn't doing good. That he was really sick to his stomach. I just looked at him like "And that is my problem how?" and kept going to my bedroom. He told me Thursday morning that he promised he'd talk to his mom Friday. Ok. Friday at about 3 I asked him if he was having dinner with his mom. He said no, that he was going over that afternoon. I said "Um, it IS afternoon, it's almost evening!" He asked if I had told my mom yet and I said no. He asked what he should say to his mom (I was not going to let him off the hook and tell him that I already told her. I didn't care if he knew that I told her 1st, I just wanted him to HAVE to MAN UP and tell her, because he didn't want to because it was hard). I said "Just tell her. She knows you've been drinking because Jason told her before he went back to MN. She won't be that surprised by it because she's told me before that she's surprised that I have put up with you for so long." Yes, I did so say it - call me a bitch if you want to.

Then when I went to walk out the door to go somewhere he said, "I think I will ask her if I can stay when Jan & Pete leave." See his mom has company coming on the 29th for a week. I DON'T THINK SO. I said through gritted teeeth. "I think you should just ask your dad if you can stay there." I found out later thru Kal that he went to Lake Pleasant to look at RV spots to park the tent trailer. HOW DOES HE THINK HE's GOING TO PAY FOR THAT????

He had coffee with his dad this morning. That is a semi-regular Saturday thing they do. So he supposedly told him. I hope he asked to live there.

He hasn't told me about either conversation. He rarely volunteers info. I have to ask "So, what did so and so say?" I am SO TIRED of having to force conversation or information out of him. I am not sure if I can even believe him. I will wait until he decides to tell me something. Or until I have to pressure him to move. I told him he HAD to leave. I said, "Please don't make me go to court and get an order to make you move because that will cost money or better yet don't make me call Tif, cuz she will come remove your ass from this house and you know she could do it!"

I have wonderful friends that have been texting me quite often to check in with me. So far things don't feel much different. That will come when he actually leaves. That will be another blow to the girls. Make it more real. Kal & Kar went somewhere together after Thanksgiving dinner and Kal texted me that Kar cried all the way there. I asked "Why?" and she said "It"s our last Thanksgiving as a family. Our last real Holiday. Just sad." That text sort of punched me in the stomach but I pushed it aside and thought "I AM DOING THIS FOR MY GIRLS AND MY HEALTH. IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION" That may have to become my mantra if I ever start to doubt myself.