Thursday, December 22, 2011


Everybody, get on the floor and let's dance

Don't fight your feelings, give yourself a chance
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, You can, you can do it very well
You're the best in the world, I can tell
Oh, Shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake
Shake your booty
Shake your booty

Karli got her nose pierced last night. It bled a lot and I thought I was going to pass out.  She was gripping my hand so tight that I had deep fingernail indentations in my hand. She loves it.

Kallyn came to file today and I kept smelling something good.  I thought it smelled like shampoo and I went to smell her hair to see.  I got right up to her hair and  ZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP  we both got shocked horribly!  There were sparks!!  My nose felt like it got pierced and she thought her hair caught on fire. We both were almost on the floor in laughter.  My boss had to open up his little french fry window to see what the hell was going on.

Going to dance soon!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Hey doing good!

I'm sort of afraid to say that and jinx it. I believe in jinxing.

I had such a good weekend (it really started on Thursday and kept going through Sunday).  I closed down Big Daddy's 3 nights in a row. Whew!  I love love the security guy (Shawn) there.  Love to give him crap.  ") He had to almost pick me and a friend up and throw us out on Thur & Sat.  he he.  I wish he had done that to this drunk girl I was giving a ride home to on Friday night.  Boy, it was like trying to herd....herd...I don't know something REALLY difficult to herd, to get her out the door.  When I saw Shawn Sat. night he told me next time he'd pick her up and carry her out the door for me.  I asked him if he'd come with me to take her home so he could pick her up out of the truck too!  We sat in her driveway for 45 minutes before she quit talking and got out!!     

Here is who I saw Friday night - this is Mikey Spandex from Platinum Spandex.  He is a main reason I like to come!! Yes, he is married (and has a daughter that plays softball on a rival team of my daughters!) but looking doesn't hurt... right?

Saturday night I went to a Christmas party with 26 people there. 1 person I knew really well and there were 3 people I knew somewhat and 3 were acquaintances and the other people I'd pretty much never seen before.  It started at 7 and the person I knew really well wasnt going to be there til 8.  I put on my big girl panties and went by myself.  (BIG deal for me! but I'm working on stretching that comfort zone and branching out ya know) so I went and had fun and met new people and laughed really hard and got a text from my good friend that she was going to be later (she got there at 10:30).  She and I left at 12:30 and weren't quite ready to go home.  The bands play til 1:00 at Big Daddy's so we decided to run there. I've wanted to see the band that was playing for awhile so I got to see a couple songs.  They are a 10 person band with trumpets and saxaphones & such - very cool!

From all of that I woke up Sunday in the Christmas Spirit.  Finally! I woke up and put on my Santa Hat and naked Santa earrings and knee high Santa socks and Karli and I baked cookies and went shopping.

Yesterday I finished Christmas shopping. This year I bought less than I ever have.  The girls each get one present and their stockings.  It just breaks my heart.  Karli tells me it's just fine; all she wants is her nose pierced.  (ughh)  (Now I just have to decided between paying the cable/internet bill or the cell phone bill.)

The good mood is still carrying on and it's Wednesday.  Woohoo!  I'm going to a Christmas dinner/gift exchange Thursday before the dancing and it sounds like a lot of people I know are going to be there Thursday, so LOTS of fun!  I was invited to a Christmas party on Friday from a friend and I will not know ANYONE else there (besides my girls).  More branching out.  Saturday I celebrate Christmas with my siblings and step-mom and Sunday will be spent with my beautiful girls and Jake & Normi. I get Monday off, yay!!

Dang... better get back to work. Soooooo not in the mood.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Things to be thankful for

1.  At the moment, first and foremost, I am most grateful that I had a hysterectomy and do not get my periods because my emotions are so #$%$# wacky, I could not stand PMS on top of it right now!!!  I just keep thinking thank god I can't get PMS!  I am so up and down. Happy and heartbreakingly sad.

2. I have 3 beautiful children that I love with all my heart and soul. I really wish that Jason lived here so that I could see that smile of his more often. His grin and silliness always makes me laugh.

3. While my Mustang's transmission died and I have absolutely no money to fix it, I do have a truck to drive.  Sure, it costs $40 more a month in insurance and only gets 10.7 mpg BUT IT IS A VEHICLE TO DRIVE.

4. I have a job.  Thank the heavens.

5. I am two months behind in my mortgage and constantly worry about foreclosure, BUT I belong to a Credit Union not BANK OF UNAMERICA and they have been working with me for over a year and so I still have a roof over my head.   I do, I do believe in miracles.

6.  This Holiday season is really hard without my step-dad. He sort of WAS Christmas.  My mom's anniversary is New Year's Eve so she really has a double whammy.  But I was just reminded (sort of a little voice whispering in my ear...where DO those come from?) that he would HATE for us all to be sad and not enjoying Christmas.  It would tear him up to see us all so unhappy. So I am going to try harder. *damn it*

Yesterday was a day where I just couldn't seem to stop crying. My boss wasn't at work so I was free to do that.  Dancing honestly helps boost those happy endorphins.  Today I feel better.  Not great, but better.  The last few days I had thought I would stay home tonight but I saw some intriguing pictures today on the PS website that makes me want to go.  And I found out that I would be alone tonight and I just don't want to be alone.  Right now, being alone with myself, well the three of us - me, myself and I - are not a good combination.  My mind starts going and I just get more emotional.  When I am dancing I can't think.  It is freedom from thinking and stress.  A respite for the mind and body and some healing for the soul.

I need to try to finish shopping this weekend.  I don't have very much to buy at. all. So it shouldn't be hard to accomplish.  Tomorrow night I am going to Christmas party where I will know 4 people (1 person really well and 3 sorta) and not know 20 other people.  I don't do real well in situations like that but that is part of the new me that is stretching my comfort zone.  Stretching is how I know the host in the first place.  Because after Geoff died, and I was sitting at Mukilteo Beach one day, a little voice whispered in my ear that life was too short, one never knew what was going to happen and I needed to LIVE IT while I could. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Do you ever feel

so filled with hopeless that you just feel like it's going to completely wash over you and pull you out into the ocean forever?

That's all I got in me right now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Hump day

Well, it took two days, but I finally convinced Mo that she COULD. NOT. take Cheroo by herself.  That she DID. NOT. NEED. TO.  I loved Cheroo so much.  I was as bonded to him as much as with my own kitties. He was the biggest love. You could pick him up and put him in your lap and he'd just lay there. He was a part of Mo's house.  I know that she is mourning him greatly and the time of the year sucks.  And I think when he got up to heaven, he found Dilbert and told him that he didn't like Fifi either! Mo, It was an honor to be there with you two in that heartbreaking, private time. I love you sister of my heart.

I got in my car to go to lunch yesterday, I had to go to the bank and I went to the auto store to buy Transmission fluid, then I was trying to decide what to do next and the owners manual said the car needed to be pretty warm before you checked the fluid. I got in my car with no idea really of where to drive to, and before I knew it I was at Mukilteo Beach.  I went and sat on a log and cried my heart out.  Prayed for Cheroo.  Cried for my step-dad. This Christmas is really hard. I just can't get into the Christmas spirit.  It isn't the same without him. I'm mad at my mom for a couple reasons and she's so upset and missing him, she said she's not doing anything for Christmas.  I have no money and my kids won't tell me anything they want so that makes it even harder to buy for them.  I don't want to spend what little money I have to buy them something just to be buying them something - I want to get them something they WANT.  It just makes me so depressed.  I cried for all that too.  Then looking out over the calm water and burying my hands in the sand, calmed me down.  It was too dang cold to put my feet in sand, but for some reason pouring the sand through my hands helped a little. It's like I need to connect with the earth.  Isn't that weird? I know.  I am weird. 

THEN, Ok.  I needed the transmission fluid checked in my car and a certain STBE (soon to be ex) had said for 3 days he would do it and hadn't (although one day he had to xl to go to an interview, so that was forgiven).  I decided I would do it.  You can find anything on the internet, so I looked up how you check it and I looked in the owners manual, and I did it myself and added some fluid to it. (it is harder than just adding oil).  Unfortunatley, that is not the problem. *sigh*  But the Mustang doesn't like to drive on ice (straight anyways, it has no problem driving sideways) so I am thinking I need to drive the STUPID truck for the next couple of months. The truck that costs $40 a month more to insure and gets 10.5 mpg instead of 18. BUT has 4 wheel drive. ugh

Monday, December 12, 2011

Weekend update

So Saturday I was supposed to go to a Company party with a friend.  I wasn't too excited about going somewhere with a bunch of strangers but I WAS excited to wear this dress that I bought at the Lincoln City Outlet Mall in July 2009 that still had the tags on it.  I also thought we were going to some place fancy inSeattle. He was supposed to wear a suit.  So dressing up... someplace nice in Seattle... that sounded like fun.  Then the night before I found out it was in someone home.  He texted me that the invite read "in our home, cocktails, buffet, dancing.  Take shuttle from Shoreline college."  I thought WTH??  I didn't want to go to someones house.  AND what kind of house do you go to that you NEED TO TAKE A SHUTTLE?  Ok, maybe it was a fancy house.  It must be a big house if they were having dancing in the house, right?  I guess I was intrigued.

I took a nap because I was tired and wanted to be rested and not have bags under my eyes.  I showered.  I SHAVED.  I haven't worn a dress forever.  I primped.  I put on PANTYHOSE. I got a phone call about 10 minutes before I was to leave that he was cancelling on me.  There were a couple reasons.  One was he had to work late and had just gotten home so we were already going to be late.  Two, he has a guy living in a motorhome on his lot next door and his power was out for some reason, so he had to try to figure out why before he could even shower.  There was a Three that was the worst reason but I am not getting into that.

I wasn't just dressed,  I took pains to get dressed.  I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE DAMN IT!!!  I had been invited to a Christmas party but I couln't go because of this holiday party that I had promised to go to.  But I didn't have the lady's phone #, just her FB page. GRRRR. They planned to go to Big Daddy's after the party and had invited me to meet them their after my party so I had that to do but not until 9 and I wanted to go someplace NOW (it was 6).  I texted a couple people and sat to cool off a little.

At 8 a friend invited me to a local tavern to play darts. I figured I could go watch.  When I tried to play darts 20 yrs ago, I had trouble finding the dart board. I got there and she whispers to me "Im on a date"  OMG, I asked why the hell she invited me then and she said it was actually his idea. She had read my text out loud and he was taking pity on me. Sheesh. And he insisted I play darts.  We played 3 games.  And I got 2 bulls-eyes. It was a lot of fun. 

Then I went dancing and danced my little heart out.  A guy I sort of like was completely ignoring me and was dancing with 3 girls the entire time so I got feelings hurt again and just danced my little heart out.  I really like the ladies that were there, they were all so excited to see me. They are having a gift exchange dinner there in 2 wks and I was reminded 3 or 4 times to make sure I come.  

So I really did end up having a fun time over all and I got so many compliments on my dress. I'm going to have to wear it again, just because.

Sunday I had no energy but did some puttering. I can't find my Christmas clothes and can.not. for the life of me think of where they might have gone.  They have ALWAYS ALWAYS been put away in the same spot. The same for my Snowmen. I have a whole rubbermaid container of Snowmen stuff and I CANNOT FIND IT.  It had been in the POD.  Kar and I watched a DVR'd House marathon and made Christmas cards.  It's the first time I've done something crafty in a year. It was quite enjoyable. I need to do it more often.

Now it's Monday and I'm not ready to face another week. blahhhh

Friday, December 9, 2011

A little better today

I am $50 richer for doing nothing, but I guess I could have easily been $75 richer.  Who knew?  Our family has a sonicare system that holds 4 toothbrushes and we all used it at first and after awhile Jake was the only one that used it.  This dealy was just a one brush thing.  I can't believe just 1 would cost that much. When the guy finally showed up (he changed the time on me & I had to wait for an hour Grrr) he asked why I was selling it so cheap, he thought it might have been a scam at first because the cheapest he had seen one for was $75.  I was mentally smacking myself upside my head.  I didn't even look to see if other people were selling them and for how much.  I'm trying to sell some damn dolls and I've researched the hell out of them.  Geesh.  BUT like I said, $50 more than I had.

And dancing was just what I needed to give me a little boost in my step and calm my mental anguish.  I've made some friends there (the person I had been going with hasn't gone for the last month and I've gone by myself so I started sitting with this group of ladies) and I got invited to a Christmas party at one of there house's Saturday that I can't go to, but also got invited to a pre-dancing Christmas party gift exchange in 2 wks at Big Daddy's with them.  It is just huge for shy introvert me to have ventured out in the last few months and made some new friends, to have stepped outside my comfort zone and pushed some limits.  (I am not in ANY way trying to replace any of my current friends, no sir-ee!)   I also got a major compliment.... he is a regular, but I've never danced with him before.  He is quite handsome....if only he wasn't in his late 50's-early 60's, it would be better!  lol!  It still helps the ego to be told you are amazing.  I also saw someone that is pretty much like an ex-brother in-law and his dancing cracks me up! It's disco music and he dances like it's rap. 

I am going out with a friend tonight (actually the one that is like a sister and it's her exhubby that I saw last night) and then I am going with a friend to his Company Christmas party tomorrow night.  I agreed to go mostly because it is a dressy event and I have this dress I have had for over a year (maybe 2) and never worn.  It says cocktail attire, which calls for an above the knee dress, but I don't have any of those.  This dress is below the knee and I don't care because I have been DYING to wear it.  And it has no sleeves so I am going to freeze. I do not care.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Something is definitely wrong with me. I woke up this THURSDAY morning and I have no excitement for going out tonight.  Usually I wake up in SUCH a good mood, humming to myself.  Woke up this morning. Blah.

I even walked out the door and saw no ice on my car and thought "Oooh, good sign, maybe it will be a good day", which is what I said yesterday and for the most part it was a good day. But as soon as I got in my car... happiness gone.  For some reason being in my car makes my mind go crazy with thoughts.  Me, myself and I talk WAY too much to each other. 

I won this Sonic Care toothbrush last year from my dentist and it's sat in the box all year. I kept thinking I should put it on cr@ig$list and finally did last night for $50, I debated $75 as it sells for like $125-$150 (looks like a stupid toothbrush to me) but I didn't think someone shopping on that site was looking to spend that much.  I got a text exactly 30 minutes later.  I'm meeting someone at 5:45 tonight. (in front of a grocery store, so don't worry mother hens, I will be safe).  I sort of wish I had put it for $75.  I have a bunch of porcelain dolls I need to get rid of.  I have them all for $20 and they are worth more than that. I also have a mobility scooter that we paid $800 that I am trying to sell for $400 (I have it listed for 325 but they need to buy an $80 battery).  I keep looking around my house to see what else I can try to sell on ebay or cr@igs

Deb, thank you for your sweet comment, it made me smile. 

Martha, maybe we should rethink the domestic partner thing!!

I have actually thought about cleaning out my office and trying to rent that room.  I just don't know what I would do with all of the stuff in it.  I really don't know if I can keep my house unless I do something like that.

Ok, enough depressing thoughts.  I'm not coming back until I have something uplifting to say.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Definitely a Monday

I have fought depression for years and take meds for it but it doesn't always stop it completely and I can feel a bout of it coming on.  I am going to fight it hard though.  I let it take over a bit this morning.  I said on FB that I hit dismiss instead of snooze but truth is, it was a conscious decision.  I said "The hell with it, I just can't get up yet." and turned off my alarm. The dog woke me up an hour later.  I feel like crap today, I have already had this cold thing twice and I don't want it again but there is pressure on my chest and my head is stuff.  I have had pain in my left shoulder for about two weeks.  Sometimes is this deep bone ache and sometimes it's this really weird twitching.  I know it's Fibro but I have never ever had it in my arm like this. Right in the shoulder joint.  I don't like it at all.  Oh, I had to stop at the Water place this morning to pay part of the bill so they didn't shut me off today.  How in the hell am I supposed to not pay any bills so that I can file bankruptcy if I keep getting shut off notices?  I don't understand and it makes my stomach in knots.

The only thing going for me is that there IS blue sky out my window at work.  Gray and rain would push me over the edge.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Just having trouble with this whole Holiday thing

I have so many different things going on right now and it is really overwhelming me.  I keep trying to decorate for Christmas and I am having the hardest time.  Jake moved out last November but things were so weird then this is really the first Christmas more on my own and it is what I want, so why do I start bawling everytime I start to decorate or try to do anything?  Well, this last time I was pulling stuff out in the laundry/storage room and looked over & saw this crocheted booty that my step dad had bought at a craft fair for Kallyn when she was first born. He is not here this year, which means my mom is really not "here".  It still does not seem real that he is gone.  

My kids seem to expect the house decorated but don't seem to want to help me and it would be a much more pleasurable thing if we did it as a family.  I seem to be having issues with both of them that just breaks my heart.  I myself am feeling incredibly restless and lonely.  I'm not comfortable inside my own skin. 

I am so broke it is not even funny.  I have 1 more paycheck before Christmas and it won't even be enough to pay the mortgage so how am I supposed to buy any Christmas presents?  I honestly just don't know what to do?  I keep praying and praying and job searching for a 2nd part time job that would work with my FT one or a full time job that makes more than I do right now.  I'm trying to sell  some things on ebay and craigslist.