Things to be thankful for

1.  At the moment, first and foremost, I am most grateful that I had a hysterectomy and do not get my periods because my emotions are so #$%$# wacky, I could not stand PMS on top of it right now!!!  I just keep thinking thank god I can't get PMS!  I am so up and down. Happy and heartbreakingly sad.

2. I have 3 beautiful children that I love with all my heart and soul. I really wish that Jason lived here so that I could see that smile of his more often. His grin and silliness always makes me laugh.


3. While my Mustang's transmission died and I have absolutely no money to fix it, I do have a truck to drive.  Sure, it costs $40 more a month in insurance and only gets 10.7 mpg BUT IT IS A VEHICLE TO DRIVE.

4. I have a job.  Thank the heavens.

5. I am two months behind in my mortgage and constantly worry about foreclosure, BUT I belong to a Credit Union not BANK OF UNAMERICA and they have been working with me for over a year and so I still have a roof over my head.   I do, I do believe in miracles.

6.  This Holiday season is really hard without my step-dad. He sort of WAS Christmas.  My mom's anniversary is New Year's Eve so she really has a double whammy.  But I was just reminded (sort of a little voice whispering in my ear...where DO those come from?) that he would HATE for us all to be sad and not enjoying Christmas.  It would tear him up to see us all so unhappy. So I am going to try harder. *damn it*

Yesterday was a day where I just couldn't seem to stop crying. My boss wasn't at work so I was free to do that.  Dancing honestly helps boost those happy endorphins.  Today I feel better.  Not great, but better.  The last few days I had thought I would stay home tonight but I saw some intriguing pictures today on the PS website that makes me want to go.  And I found out that I would be alone tonight and I just don't want to be alone.  Right now, being alone with myself, well the three of us - me, myself and I - are not a good combination.  My mind starts going and I just get more emotional.  When I am dancing I can't think.  It is freedom from thinking and stress.  A respite for the mind and body and some healing for the soul.

I need to try to finish shopping this weekend.  I don't have very much to buy at. all. So it shouldn't be hard to accomplish.  Tomorrow night I am going to Christmas party where I will know 4 people (1 person really well and 3 sorta) and not know 20 other people.  I don't do real well in situations like that but that is part of the new me that is stretching my comfort zone.  Stretching is how I know the host in the first place.  Because after Geoff died, and I was sitting at Mukilteo Beach one day, a little voice whispered in my ear that life was too short, one never knew what was going to happen and I needed to LIVE IT while I could.