Tuesday, May 17, 2011

12th Grade Project

Kallyn passed her
CP Presentation!!! 
She OFFICIALLY graduates now!!!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

The day got worse

My Friday got worse.  My feeling of something looming over me came true.  After the cat puked all over my bed and I had put the sheets in the wash, I got a phone call with bad news.  Something I will live through of course, but just "Oh my god.  Why in the hell does this shit keep happening???"  BS.  I can't go into it at all and thats hard for me.  I actually had a premonition about it just about an hour before which sort of freaks me out.  I thought it was going to push me over the edge and be what made me finally break down and cry, but I haven't yet.

Karli woke with a migraine on Saturday.  That is her 4th in the last 3 weeks since her concussion.  Also, I don't know if it's coincidence or not, but her body is just falling apart since the concussion. Her legs are both bothering her now.  She sees a podiatrist/sports medicine Dr for her feet on Wednesday. I am hoping he can tell us something about her legs too.  We watched her play a softball game in the pouring down rain Saturday night.  It was more like a monsoon than just a rainstorm.

Sunday we all pretty much stayed in bed, all of us not feeling well and bodies in too much pain to move.  Isn't that the life?

Good news is Saturday I sold a bed on cr@igslist for for $150! and I took a load of recyclable crap to an event that supposedly gives the proceeds to charity. Either way, I didn't have to pay to dispose of it (TV's, lawnmower, computer crap...)

Time to go home from work now.  Feeling kinda "Uh" and "blah" all day.  Ready for bed.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I put in this nice long blog yesterday and hit publish post.  I didn't go check to make sure it published though and I come here today to find out it didn't.  That pisses me off!!!!!

It also pisses me off that I let Kallyn peer pressure me into not watching Idol last night because she couldn't and she wanted to watch it together.  I know damn well that if I don't watch the voting off show that I am going to find out the next day. You can't avoid it.  Radio, TV, FB.  It just can't be done.  And then I find out that my favorite person.  The one I've been rooting for since the 2nd episode. (He really rubbed me the wrong way the first show), the one I was just SURE was going to win, went home.  WHEN I WASN'T WATCHING.  The last few days I have felt on the verge of crying for no reason. Probably just because I haven't for awhile.  Now today has been REALLY bad. I haven't cried, just feel sooooo close. It doesn't matter that the sky is a beautiful blue.  Instead of enjoying the day today, I just keep thinking about how it's supposed to be absolutely miserable this weekend and Karli has a softball game at 8 pm tomorrow.  I get to sit in the rain, in the dark. AND this person that I've invested so much into is gone.  I was sure Lauren or Haley was leaving.  I really would prefer Scotty leave.  He is going to make it without winning.  Nashville is just waiting for him to be done so he can record an album. He doesn't need to win the show and I will be PISSED to high heaven if he does win.  This is the first time I have watched an entire season of Idol.  In the past I might jump in when there is like 5 or 6 people left.  That is one reason why I don't watch these stupid reality shows.  I can't afford the emotional energy to get so wrapped up in these people. 

Uggghhh, I am in just such a crummy mood today and I don't want to be.  Then I came here to see if any one bothered to comment on my post from yesterday and it didn't even fricken post.  *sigh* I think I will go take a short walk in the sunshine and see if that helps. 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Here is something I deal with quite often and it scares me.  It makes me feel like I am starting to get dementia or alzheimers and it scares my girls too.  It makes me feel stupid at work and it has a great deal to do with why I keep messing up at work.   I also put the symptoms of FM after it.

Fibrofog Have you forgotten where you put your keys again? Having trouble remembering what you were supposed to do this afternoon? Do you have difficulty finding the right words to use to express yourself? If you are experiencing some or all of these memory problems you may be suffering from fibrofog.

Fibrofog refers to a variety of cognitive impairments that fibromyalgia sufferers experience with the disorder. Fibrofog can be one of the most stressful and upsetting fibromyalgia symptoms. If you know someone with fibromyalgia syndrome or if you are suffering from the illness, keep an eye out for the indicators of fibrofog.

What is Fibrofog?
Fibrofog is a term given to the variety of cognitive problems that many fibromyalgia sufferers face during their illness. Fibrofog encompasses memory loss, difficulties using language, and difficulties with learning. These symptoms tend to descend in a haze or "fog," around the sufferer. Fibrofogs can occur at any time and can vary in intensity when they do occur. Fibrofogs tend to be at their most severe during flare ups in pain.

Fibrofog affects about both women and men who have fibromyalgia pain, though it tends to hit women more often. Women between the ages of 30 and 50 are most likely to be affected by fibrofog. Episodes of fibrofog typically last only a few days, though sometimes severe fibrofog can last for weeks or even months.

Symptoms of Fibrofog
Fibrofog is one of the most common yet unrecognized symptoms of fibromyalgia. If you have fibromyalgia signs and symptoms it is important to be aware of fibrofog so that you can seek appropriate treatment and manage your illness more effectively. Some symptoms of fibrofog include:

•short term memory loss

•difficulty remembering where you put things

•difficulty remembering plans

•difficulty with language, including trouble holding conversations, understanding conversations, and expressing thoughts (yes! and my response time in replying to someone is too long, sometimes the words do not come to me, sometimes my mind just goes blank and sometimes it just feels like it takes a long time to process what they said)

•difficulty finding the "right" word to use in conversation (yes)
•trouble remembering simple numbers
•transposing letters and numbers
trouble concentrating and focusing (yes! yes!)
•trouble retaining new information (yes!)

Causes of Fibrofog
The causes of memory loss and fibrofog are as yet undetermined; however, a number of factors could be at the root of these cognitive impairments. It is apparent that there is no real problem with the mental capacities of people suffering from fibrofog. Instead, there must be underlying problems that cause the brain to be unable to complete memory functions.

Sleep Deprivation: Sleep disorders are one of the primary fibromyalgia signs and symptoms. Lack of adequate sleep can affect the brain’s ability to produce enough of the neurochemical serotonin, which aids in laying down memory. (I take Ambien most night so I will go to sleep at a decent time)

Decreased Blood Flow: Studies show that fibromyalgia disability can cause decreased blood flow to certain areas of the brain responsible for creating short term memories. This lack of blood flow may prevent the brain from adequately creating new memories.

Chronic Pain: The chronic pain caused by fibromyalgia may actually inhibit the brain’s ability to create memories. Processing pain signals takes up a lot of the brain’s time and energy, especially in someone with fibromyalgia. This excessive pain may therefore reduce the amount of time the brain spends on trying to form new memories. Pain also produces large amounts of stress which can be one of the causes of short term memory loss. (Great, as if I didn't create enough of my own stress, my pain is creating stress too...)

Depression: A large percentage of people with fibromyalgia also report that they suffer from anxiety and depression. Depression and memory loss definitely seem to be linked. Depression lowers the levels of serotonin in the brain, preventing new memories from being laid down. Low levels of serotonin are also linked with learning difficulties. (I take medication for this)

Effects of Fibrofog on Fibromyalgia
Fibrofog tends to have negative effects on fibromyalgia symptoms and the course of the illness. Fibrofog can cause people with fibromyalgia to forget important self-care techniques including stretching and exercise. This can cause the pain of fibromyalgia to become worse. (I don't forget, I just don't have the eneryg.  Extreme fatigue is another symptom of Fibromyalgia)

In a recent study involving people with and without fibromyalgia, those with fibromyalgia reported more trouble with memory, concentration, mental confusion, and speaking. Patients with fibrofog also complained of more pain, increased fatigue, and more difficulty sleeping.

Symptoms of Fibromyalga

Chronic widespread body pain is the primary symptom of fibromyalgia. Most people with fibromyalgia also experience moderate to extreme fatigue, sleep disturbances, sensitivity to touch, light, and sound, and cognitive difficulties. Many individuals also experience a number of other symptoms and overlapping conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, lupus and arthritis.

The pain of fibromyalgia is profound, chronic and widespread. It can migrate to all parts of the body and vary in intensity. FM pain has been described as stabbing and shooting pain and deep muscular aching, throbbing, and twitching. Neurological complaints such as numbness, tingling, and burning are often present and add to the discomfort of the patient. The severity of the pain and stiffness is often worse in the morning. Aggravating factors that affect pain include cold/humid weather, non-restorative sleep, physical and mental fatigue, excessive physical activity, physical inactivity, anxiety and stress.

In today's world many people complain of fatigue; however, the fatigue of FM is much more than being tired after a particularly busy day or after a sleepless night. The fatigue of FM is an all-encompassing exhaustion that can interfere with occupational, personal, social or educational activities. Symptoms include profound exhaustion and poor stamina

Sleep problems
Many fibromyalgia patients have an associated sleep disorder that prevents them from getting deep, restful, restorative sleep. Medical researchers have documented specific and distinctive abnormalities in the Stage 4 deep sleep of FM patients. During sleep, individuals with FM are constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity, limiting the amount of time they spend in deep sleep.

Other symptoms/overlapping conditions
Additional symptoms may include: irritable bowel and bladder, headaches and migraines, restless legs syndrome (periodic limb movement disorder), impaired memory and concentration, skin sensitivities and rashes, dry eyes and mouth, anxiety, depression, ringing in the ears, dizziness, vision problems, Raynaud's Syndrome, neurological symptoms, and impaired coordination.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I took Karli to the Dr yesterday, her leg was bothering her and it was pretty swollen after her game Tuesday night.  She felt something pull in her left leg 2 wks ago, up above her knee, then a few days later she got a concussion and had to rest for a week, so her leg was feeling better.  After playing 4 games last weekend, her leg started hurting, but in the back of her knee & her calf.  The Dr thinks she had 2 separate injuries and this one is pulled calf muscles, similar to pulling your groin or hamstring. She is to sit out of PE for another wk.  She got hit right in the face with a big red rubber ball Wed playing kickball in PE, knocked on her butt and made really dizze - so I am FINE with sitting out for another week.  She IS allowed to play her 2 softball games this week, & then she doesn't have a game until the 14th.  Hopefully she will be healed by then.  This is the kid that NEVER gets sick or injured.  In the last 2 weeks she has now had a sinus infection, a concussion, pulled hamstring and pulled calf muscles.  ALL UNRELATED INJURIES.  She has always adamantly said she will NOT be like the rest of the Jacobson's in her house.

Kallyn is working feverishly on her schoolwork.  She IS going to graduate. June 6 at the NPAC. No doubt in my mind.  (Just cross fingers that the stupid Senior Project that is pass-fail is good enough) She spent about 8 hours yesterday on Math and has no plans today except schoolwork. OH and she got a call the other night that the daughter of a friend of ours is doing her 8th grade health project on RND and wanted to interview Kallyn.  Kallyn was SO thrilled that someone else wanted to help spread the awareness.  She is also going to the health fair to be their "show & tell".

That man came over & mowed the yard yesterday.  It looks very nice, instead of looking like an overgrown jungle.  He CAN be useful once in awhile. He just frustrates the hell out of me and most conversations end up with me mad so I try to not talk to him too much. He FINALLY signed up with a temp agency.  One that specializes in the medical profession.  Personally, I think he should sign up with several temp agencies, but hey, after yelling and screaming about signing up with one for 6 months, I will take at least one. 

I haven't talked to anyone about Bankruptcy because I don't know where to go that I can trust.  It seems like there are so many bad people out there, so if you know of anyone, let me know.  I am still wrestling with it.  I hate to do it, not so much out of pride, but feeling horrible screwing all of the people that are rightfully owed the money.  But I also feel like I am in a plane going down and in that case you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first...

My aunt sent me something that I have put on the steering wheel of the truck to help remind me (being alone with my mind in the car is not always safe for me). It says: You can do this. I know you can, because I did and I am not any smarter, stronger or more functional than you are!  It helps some, though I am not sure I agree. She has always been there for me.  I truly don't think I would have survived my teenage years w/o her.  I feel so 'stuck"  I just can't seem to make myself move into action. No one can do it for me.  I just feel like I am stuck in the mud or quicksand and I am having trouble moving.  My mind feels filled with mud and it's hard to think.  I can blame it on the "Fibro-Fog" all I want, but I'd like to think I am stronger than that. SO damn frustrating.   Ok, mostly just sort of talking/typing out loud here now, don't know where I am really going and I have LOTS of work to do!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Easing my way back in to blogging...

I have logged in to blog several times and have had an anxiety attack.  Instead of dealing with deep feelings right now, I'm going with some happy ones. ")

Karli had a softball tournament this weekend.  SOOOO glad the weather was beautiful.  It doesn't even bother me that it is POURING down rain right now because I am so thankful we were blessed with great weather during the 5 games we watched. (I have a little sunburn on my face so I feel like I am glowing & was hit with a bit of Spring). It was sort of heartbreaking that they came in 2nd - they played SO HARD.  Their record is now 10-2.  They were undefeated going into the Championship game.  Because they lost that game and it was their first lost of the tournament, they turned around & played the same team again and lost it too but both games were nail biters.  One team would pull ahead, then the other would.  It is Kar's 4th year playing softball (she played fastpitch in 1st-3rd grade then took a break for 2 yrs & joined softball).  It is just amazing to see the growth in these girls over the last 4 yrs, some of them have improved greatly just from last season.  I am so proud of them - win or lose, but it sure is fun to win! 

Kallyn is working like crazy to finish her hours in school work so that she can graduate.  She has to finish her Senior project and do about 18 hrs of math and 24 hrs of biology.  Unfortunately, she spends twice as much time stressing about what she needs to do than she does actually doing it. She gets that from her mom. *sigh*  I so hope after all the work and stress she has done that she does graduate.  If she doesn't, she is going to give up and get her GED and then she will always call herself dumb and a failure even though she is not in any way, shape or form.

In between softball I plucked away at that g*d d*mn  POD  storage unit.  I hurt today like I haven't hurt in a long time.  The weather switching like it didn't doesn't help at all.  Kar decided she didn't want her daybed anymore and instead of arguing with her, I saw $$ signs. I have seen people trying to see the same bed for $200 on cr*igslist. I'm also going to sell the mobility scooter.  I went to download pictures last night and the usb camera cord is broken and Jake took this other cool cord we have. I have to go to Normi's tonight & download them.  With any luck I will make $700 soon.

I am seriously considering bankruptcy, which is really hard for me.  That is part of what I've wanted to blog about but just can't.  I don't know wether to file for divorce before bankruptcy or if it matters. I really want to file for divorce or be legally separated but can't come up with money for that.  Part of me thinks it doesn't matter but then there is the other part of me that thinks if he doesn't any thing really stupid, it would be much better if ties were cut so I can't be held responsible. Ok.  I'm starting to have trouble breathing... gotta go now.