Tuesday, January 31, 2012


My favorite saying that I keep repeating to myself is  "It is what it is"  I don't know if I can even explain what it means to me.  Sort of like, don't have expectations.  Whatever happens, happens. It just seems to help me stay focused on here and now and not future tripping.  

I had a good weekend with my girls (despite the fact I had a horrible cold/cough and thought I was going to die) and a good night last night with a friend. ")   I start a new PT job on Thursday, a friend is coming to town for a week Thursday night and I get to celebrate Bobbie's birthday Saturday with Platinum Spandex.  Saturday to Saturday seems like a pretty good week!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Did you know...

IT's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been to "my place" yet this year. I've been dancing 2x (maybe 3) but not at the place that I feel most comfy at.  I was going so much there for awhile then the Afro's had to go and leave "(  I've heard the band that replaced them is ok, but the place is dead. I have a cold and feel like crap, but that's not gonna stop me.  That is why cold medicine was invented.

I got my schedule for my first week of training.  Are you ready for this back breaking schedule??  hold on to your panties....

Thur 5:30-7:30 pm
Fri 5:30-7:30 pm

I'm purty sure I can handle that. 

Next Saturday is Platinum Spandex at Big Daddy's and I'm even MORE excited about that than I am about tonight.

And I should be getting money from my 401k loan in a week or so.  This year I opted to take less out of my check for the FSA so that I would have more of a paycheck. $125 a check instead of $200... the loan starts being deducted in Mar and it is $56 so it won't really have an impact on me too much.  Not when my mental state will be a little better from having gotten caught up and taking care of other business... and when the mental state is better, the body is better.

That's really all I have for now. Just a tad excited for dancing.  It helped my mood SO MUCH last Friday, just thinking about how good I felt has helped whenever I've gotten sad this week. I need another hit to keep me going through next week.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Feeling a little blue today.  I'm no longer seeing a person that I've sorta been seeing the last couple weeks and was hoping to progress into a full blown relationship with.  I totally and completely understand the reasoning why. It is for the best. BUT that doesn't make it any less hard, especially when I'd kinda fallen hard & fast for him. The head can know things, but the heart can still hurt.

But I'm going to be working more anyways.  It's probably best I just focus on work and my kids and making sure my life is on track and get my house in order and forget men for awhile.  I've made some guy friends that I talk to/text with and see dancing and that's all they are - friends - and I really like that. They can do for now.  I always had guy friends growing up (girls have sooo much drama) but you don't usually have a lot of guy friends when you're married.  You don't need them - you have YOUR guy. And having guy friends makes me feel safer as a single female, there is someone watching my back that I can call if needed.

I talked to the Dr about me working more because I've had a couple people say they are concerned about my health if I do so.  She seem to think it might be a good thing.  She thought I seemed excited enough about it and it will be a good social outlet, especially since it is in my community that I love (helps depression) and it is some exercise and my main job is not stressful or taxing on the body.  She said if it seems to be too much to just work less hours (which is a possibility).  She's also not concerned about my weight, even though I've lost more, because my blood work was so excellent.  She said if I wanted to gain more weight to eat Peanut Butter because it has protein and good fats in it.  I just feel a little too anorexic and would like to gain 5 pounds.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Could things be looking up?

I turned in the paper work for the 401k loan Friday.  Now I'm stuck working where I'm at for the next 3 years or I have a balloon payment when I leave.  But I am getting enough to get almost caught up on mortgage and to file bankruptcy.

While we were all stuck in the snow I managed to apply for a job at a local, very community oriented pizza place.  They have just a carry out/delivery place now but are opening a sit down place in March that will serve wine & beer.  His staff now is pretty much all HS kids.  He is in need of some people over 21 to be able to pour the alcohol.  I stopped in to pick up pizza during the snow & filled out an app & talked to him. He called me next day to set up an interview.  I had the interview on Saturday and he offered me the job right there, which he said he doesn't usually do.  I will prob work 2 evenings from 6-10 and Sat or Sun for 8 hrs.  Hopefully by the grace of god my body will be up to it.  I am actually looking forward to it so I think that will help with the adjustment and by the time I'm bored with it, my body should be used to it... right?  I don't see people at my work...I get so lonely (that's why I'm on FB so much - to have human contact in way) and I love working with people so I am actually looking forward to working with the public and it's right in my backyard so I should know a lot of the people that come in. I will be working mostly with teenagers and I do well with them. I might start training next week.  Pete told me that in the next 3 weeks I was going to make an awful lot of pizzas.  ")  I won't be doing that at the new store, but he has everyone learn how to do everything - which I LOVE.

He is totally flexible on scheduling so I told him that I wanted Friday or Saturday night free.  I have to have some time to go DANCING!!! Hopefully I will have the energy to do it.

We had plans to go to Tulalip Thursday night, which got cancelled due to weather and the same group of people were going Friday.  I had told them I couldn't go because I wasn't going to go 2 nights in a row.  All day Friday I was trying to decide.  Tulalip just seemed SO FAR and I would be going by myself. 

I should back up and say that I've been going to meetings lately. Since a Xmas party I went to in Dec that was all AA and NA people, I've been hanging out w/the hostess A LOT (pretty much lived there during snow storm) and getting to know her friends. I'm not going to mtgs because I feel like drinking/using but because they really help with living life on life's terms. I feel like I need the emotional, mental and spiritual help right now and meetings cost $1, much cheaper than therapy.  I think pretty much everyone would benefit from going through the 12 steps. Like the mtg we went to on Thurs, the topic was basically "making mountains out of molehills" and other one was "just for today". 

Anyways, Fri I decided to go to a 7:30 meeting and see how I felt afterwards. The band started at 9:30 but people were getting there at 7:30.  In my head I think I already decided I wasn't going. I was sort of in a bad mental space. I have something else going on that I've been letting mind f#ck me (men...sigh...).  Anways, I went to meeting. Came home and climbed in to my bed (still clothed) with my laptop, at about 9 and decided I was staying home.  My mind started going off again about this "thing" and at 9:20 I climbed out of bed and changed my shirt and put on my dancing boots and out the door I went.  I have never been to Tulalip before. I walked into the bar and was trying to find my group and Andy (not w/my group, but someone I know) saw me and grabbed me to the dance floor.  Andy is the greatest thing EVER for my ego.  He's the one I was so proud of myself for dancing with  a few months ago because he's so outrageous and I went out of my comfort zone to dance with him.  Now I can't get enough dancing with him. I don't like him or anything. no no no.  He's just a great dancer and at least once he will dip me really low and then pick me way up and spin me around.  Very attention getting and very unlike me.  I wish you all could see it. Within 2 minutes of being there and dancing, my mood had gone from 0-100 and I was SO incredibly glad I had come.  So much happier.  OMG, I LOVE dancing!!!! 

Then I was "made" to play the slots afterwards.  My friends had a coupon that if you had $20, you'd get a voucher for $30 to play the slots.  Someone lent me their 20 and then we cashed in the voucher so that I could have the $10 in free money to play with. Cool, huh?  I came home with $5!.... a little after 4 am and I'd had coffee in order to make it home so I was awake until about 6.  If my body was left to keep it's own schedule, it would stay up until 2 or 3 am and get up at 8:30-9.  So, after a week of snow and mixed up schedules, it just sort of reverts that way really easilty.  I wonder if that's why I get insomnia so much too.

Well... that's all I gots for now. Typed way more than I meant to.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It doesn't help your mood

When the mail comes and there's mail for your boss from a collections agency telling them to garnish your wages.

#$^%$# I need to file bankruptcy. All week I've tried to get up the courage to ask my boss if he'd give me an advance/loan and let me take an extra $50 a check out to pay it back.  I guess this paperwork is a good conversation starter.  I'm supposed to pay mortgage this week but I can't for 2 wks cuz I have to pay car insurance.  The cable/internet has been out all week and the girls are going crazy.  I also have to pay the phone bill today or they are going to cut us off.  That is like our last life line so I can't do that.  Between insurnce and phone, that's half my check. Maybe I'm down because I just don't see any way out of this.... 

WAIT. (as I try to dry the tears off).  Today is Friday the 13th and historically that is a good luck day for me.  So perhaps the boss will give me that front AND as I type Jake is at an interview for a job that he does not want, but is supposed to be at a place that is hiring everyone and anyone at the moment.  $16/hr and they pay weekly. His daughter gave him a lecture that he better do his best and if he didn't get the job he better take a hard look at himself.  (she's the one that set it up for him)

Going to go curl up in a ball on the couch for lunch now. I was hungry but I lost my appetite. I seriously feel like I need to gain about 5 lbs.  I bought food yesterday with the intention of eating healthy AND trying to gain weight at the same time.


Again a lot of time has passed since I blogged.  I almost blogged... Monday, I think... sometime when I was all happy and had happy things to post and now I don't even remember what they were.  Been in a downer mood the last couple of days.  I have a lot of mental stuff going on in my head and trying to process it all... it often just confuses the hell out of me more and that depresses me and then I'm in a cycle.  I haven't been dancing in two weeks but I am going tonight, maybe that will help unclog things.  It is at a place I've never been before aka outside of my comfort zone. I want my Big Daddy's. (Lord that sounds bad huh?)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year

It is the new year and I have not blogged for awhile.  Doing lots of stuff but haven't had it in me to blog.

I went to dinner with a friend last Wednesday. He was visiting from out of state.  We worked together for 5 years (98-03) and actually went to HS together before that. (small world)

Thur was the last night of the disco band playing at "my place" every Thursday.  Now they are playing at a casino about 30-45 away and I will probably go about once a month.  I am STILL waiting for my place to put out the January calendar.  It is quite odd that it's not out yet, so not sure what is in store for this Thursday. KJ and I were thinking of going and checking it out.  They used to have 3 different drinks for $3 and now they are supposed to have 21 for $3.  But I could care less abou that! I wanna know about the music!

I was so excited for Friday to finally come because Mo was going to GO OUT! Martha and I went to get a table at 7 because I wanted a table in front (and there's just 2) and when we got there, there were people at 1 and a reserved sign on the other.  I told the hostess that I was hoping to get one of those and she actually moved the reserved sign to another table!!  Mo and Deb came about 8:20 and then the band people started trickling in.  I thought they were supposed to play at 9.  9 came & went.  The bassist came in at 9:15 with all his gear and STARTED TALKING TO PEOPLE AT TABLES.  Okaaay.  They must play at 9:30.  9:30 came and went.  At like 9:45 someone from the place told them they needed to start playing.  They went over and started doing sound check stuff and tuning equipment!! At 10 they started to play and had major feedback that took a few minutes to sort out.  Meanwhile Mo looks like she is ready to fall asleep and ready to bolt at the same time.  I was SO MAD!  I finally got her out and this is the impression she was getting.  Her deal was to stay for one set, which should have been over about 10.  She was a trooper and stayed until after 11.  But I know she won't be coming back out "(   

And I'm very disappointed in Deb!!  She said she would dance around the table and she refused to get out of her seat.  A song came on that everyone said "You can't dance to this song" and Deb said "I can dance to this, this is a great song to dance to" So I tried to get her up.  I was willing to dance to a song I couldn't dance to for her, but noooooo.   I danced with this very cute college kid.  He had these bright red shoes on and he had some MOOOVES.

New Years Eve was perfect.  I really have no desire to go out and be amongst all the drunk & disorderly people on NYE.  Kallyn and I went out to dinner and then watched shows on DVR and the Space Needle count down. Jake had this idea come to him and brought over 2 votive candles for each of us. He had written 2011 on one and 2012 on the other.  He wanted us to light the 2011 and then throw it out. Then in 2012 light the other one to light the way for the new year.  I came up with an even better idea.  I had a couple of the display fireworks.  We lit the candle and then used it to light the firework so that 2012 started off with a BANG!

I had  nice day on the 1st visiting with same out of town friend and someone else I went to HS with but haven't seen since then and his wife.  Went to lunch and watched the game.

Monday I didn't get out of bed until noon!!! and then when I did, I got stuff done!  Nice combo day.

Today at work it was Monday & Tuesday all rolled into one. I'm so excited that tomorrow is Wednesday already!