Friday, January 28, 2011

I really don't think he wants a job

I asked him to go to Volt last week.  Volt is a temp agency.  I know there are more temp agencies around too, but that is one that he worked through before.  As of Monday at 1:00ish he was supposedly on his way there.  He hasn't said anything about it all week so I finally asked him today what happened at Volt.  He said he picked up paperwork that he needed to fill out and return. He's going to go today or Monday.  WTH??  IF YOU WANT MONEY FOR YOUR FAMILY THAT IS FACING FORECLOSURE, DONT YOU TURN IN PAPERWORK THE SAME DAY???? Not a week later?

Planting expectations = reaping disappointments  but it is SO hard to not expect people to just do WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.  His brain is broken and my therapist said it is my problem if I keep having expectations of him and getting upset when he doesn't follow through.  I should know better by now that he's not going to. 

Argh.  Grrr.. Grumble...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

No surgery!

I saw the Neurosurgeon today and he didn't see anything in the neck MRI that made him want to do surgery and I really have no neck symptoms.  That's not where all my problems are. He didn't think that would be causing my headaches.  He thinks my back/leg pain is from a compressed nerve - which is what if feels like to me! It feels just like it did when I herniated my disc in 2004.  He is putting me on 14 days of prednisone type stuff and if that does not help then he wants to do an MRI and possibly an injection.   For the last 2 weeks I've been scared to even move my neck for fear I'd paralyze myself because everyone else had me scared to death.

I am still in "survival mode".  Between the pain and the stress, I just want to work and come home. When I get in this much pain it is like home is my safety net and I don't want to leave it.  I almost have anxiety about leaving to go to work. And ohmygod I'm so tired.  I am not sleeping well, even with Ambien.  I wake up at least once in the middle of the night. Pain makes you tired. Stress makes you tired.

Kallyn needs a job and is causing herself great stress.  She has applied at places and hasn't her back from anyone so she is calling herself a failure.  The girl has been trying for maaaybe 2 weeks.

Karli is trying to decide which highschool to go to.  BHS or IHS.  She says she hates school period. She begged to go to BHS because alll of her friends were going to go there and once I said "yes" now she can't decide because her friends are actually split about half and half.  She is interested in the Culinary Arts program that BHS has but that's not until 11th grade. IHS is known for being the Academic - 4 year college career path HS and BHS as the Vocational career path HS and Karli is more the vocational or 2 yr college person.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I emailed Karli's teacher and explained a little of what's been going on and the stress this assignment has had on Karli.  Kallyn had this same teacher and the teacher had LOVED Kallyn (English is Kallyn's best subject), so the teacher has liked Karli too by association. She said that if Karli just wrote a poem about anyone that she admires, and turns it in Monday, then she won't mark it as being late. *whew*

Friday, January 21, 2011

I've been fired from a PTSA position.

You have to practically be scum of the earth to be fired from a non-paid volunteer position. 

I had to help do it once to the Campbell Soup person who had been hoarding labels for 2 years without turning any in and she was FURIOUS, insulted.  She left the school shortly afterwards and she told a friend that THAT was part of the reason why.  She never had a reason for NOT doing her job.

Anyways, I DO MY JOB.  My job is to send out emails when people ask for help.  My fault, the reason why I am sure I am being fired - I don't go to the PTSA meetings.  My phone rang this morning as I was going out the door.  It was a lady name Mxxxx. It is an understatement to say I don't like her.  I liked her at first, 5 years ago.  I thought she was really funny and loved her sense of humor, but it turned out she was really mean & spiteful and only shares a good sense of humor with a select few around her, so I did not answer the phone.  The message "Demery, this is Mxxxx. Brenda the PTSA President asked me to give you a call since I know you.  She would like you to give me all the volunteer forms from the beginning of the year.  We've found someone that can take over doing the Volunteer position."

My response?  WOW.  It was a punch in the gut. That's the first time anyone has hinted that they have not been happy with my job.  I am going to email Brenda & Mxxxx back.  I am NOT calling that lady. They can have the 50 forms if they want but I have 306 emails in my volunter email lists because most people don't fill out a form, they just say "keep my on the list from last year" since this is my 3rd year in a row of doing this.  If they want those addresses, they are going to have to meet me somewhere and write down the email addresses from my computer.  I MIGHT be able to print a list. I can't decide whether I want to fight for keeping it or not.  It is my one connection to the school and Karli is proud of the fact that I do it.

Just another blow. 

Karli had a little melt down yesterday. She texted me from school that she just couldn't be there, that she was going to burst into tears for no reason and she wanted her mommy really bad.  She was breaking my heart.  I went & got her out of school at noon. She had been having an itching problem for the last 3 or 4 nights.  Itching all over her body for no reason.  It would start in one area and spread, getting progressively worse as it got later.  She has a faint little rash in a couple of places but not much.  It occurred to me yesterday when I got her that her itching could be stressed induced.  I told her Mo itches badly when she's really stressed out.  It also hit me then that we hadn't worked on her Father poem. I mentioned it and asked about it being due Friday.  She said she had thought it was due Friday but it was due Wednesday.  I asked if that could be why she was itching all week, because she didn't want to work on the poem.  She said "No" and burst into tears.  I told her we had to work on it that night, that she couldn't just NOT turn it in.

But you know what?  I have since changed my mind. It's not worth what it is doing to her.  She has a B in the class.  She can miss an assignment.  You have to pick your battles.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

something nice

Ok, I blog about all the bad stuff so when a nice little surprise happens, I should blog about it too.

I was scheduled to go to Fieldwork last night from 8-10 PM. Downtown. It was a focus group on politics or the environment or something.  They don't usually tell you but you can sort of guess by the survey questions they ask you. Anyways, it did NOT sound like fun. And I had to fudge a bit to get in but it paid a $75 Visa gift card.  I was sitting there eating dinner with the girls, eyeing the clock.  I. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. I just kept reminding myself that I was getting paid $35 an hour. (I rounded down to figure the cost of gas).  That was the ONLY thinking keeping me going.  $35 an hour.  I was soooo close to bagging it BUT that is going to be my grocery money next week & possibly gas money. So, away I went.

You get there and sit in a room waiting to be called in.  All these different sorts of people, all not making eye contact with each other, yet we will be sitting in a rom together discussing a topic together for 2 hours. It is actually, kinda fun... I just felt like I was going to be in over my head talking about politics. UGH.

At 8 this guy comes and says there are actually going to be 2 focus groups and for everybody he calls to follow him and everyone else to stay there and he'll be right back.  He calls off names and everyone but THREE people get up.  I am one of the three.  We look at each other.  Um... OK.  He comes back and explains that they always overbook because not everyone usually shows up but tonight they did so they had randomly picked some names and we had to sit there for 15-20 minutes in case the focus leader wanted to switch someone out and if not, then we got paid and got to go home.  I WOOHOO'd inside.  At 8:20 I got my $75 Visa gift card and got to go home.

If anyone wants extra money you really should go to   Kallyn got a call the other day to do a focus group on bubblegum.  2 hours for $100 cash.  Some how she didn't pass the phone interview and make the focus group.  Maybe because she doesn't chew enough gum.   I have done one on a "green" promotion for Disney, a new phone App and a music survey - where you listen to 5 seconds of  different songs for 2 hrs and rate it. It was to help a radio station w/their programming. Might sound long & boring but time flew.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I give up

I got a @##$%!$# speeding ticket! :(  <:-(   #$@!%#@$ Karli missed the school bus and I had to drive her down a road that is infamous for cops.  I KNOW to not speed on that road but I was just not thinking this morning.  Actually, I was thinking that I didn't want to be late for work again. I saw the unmarked car ahead of me just as his arm came out the window.  I didn't even know how fast I was going.  I had just been chatting away with Karli.

Jake's unemployment ran out. No more extensions. We now get approx $1200 less a month than we were getting. They never seemed to pay on time and the amount varied but there was money every week and we were barely (haha) getting by WITH IT.

My health insurance goes up approx $80 a paycheck starting Feb 1.  I will know the exact amount in the next week.  Plus co-pays go up.

And I need surgery.  I see the neurosurgeon next week but I saw my MD yesterday that I have seen for 22 years and love & trust and she said the neck MRI was not good at all. I said I CAN. NOT. HAVE. SURGERY.  She said that if I don't have surgery then I could move a wrong way or do something wrong & become permanently impaired.  SHIT.  She said I MUST go to the consult next week to see what he has to say. Well, of course I had already planned to do that. I asked if my neck could REALLY be causing the pain on my left side.  She said typically your neck causes pain in the arms & head but if it was really messed up, YES, it could be causing the pain in my leg.  So surgery could be a really good thing. She held my hand and said surgery could fix many things and bring me hope. I love her.  Wouldn't it be great if it fixed my headaches? I really can't have surgery though.  I have no sick time.  4 days of vacation. I am the only one working.  Then there is the medical bills. The last time I had surgery instead of being off work 2-3 wks, it turned into 8.

Then I think about my pain.  If I will be in this pain until I have surgery, then I want surgery tomorrow. My pain keeps increasing.  Burning pain, almost like there is fire under my skin. From my low back to my arch. It used to "just" be my butt & hip, now its the whole left leg.  It is very hard to concentrate, to walk, to do much of anything. They don't want to do anything more with me until I go to the Dr next Thursday. I am on a bunch of meds that seem to do nothing but make my mind react slower. I hate for my daughters to see me like this.  I usually try to hide it when I am in so much pain but for some reason I can't seem to hide it this time.

I keep trying to hold on.  I gotta hold on for my girls.

Friday, January 14, 2011


Wednesday Jake took Kallyn to her follow up Dr appt.  Where by the way, the Dr has never heard of anyone acquiring an accent after having their tonsils removed... everything is fine with Kallyn and hopefully the accent will go away in a 2-3 weeks when the rest of the swelling is gone.  Only Kallyn.

Afterwards he took her to her boyfriends house.  I was on the phone with her and then ended up talking to him and couldn't resist yelling at him for once again not getting me some paperwork for work that he hasn't gotten me YET.  That he promised me. AGAIN. Some of it goes back to September but some of it is from December and I don't understand why he can't get me the December stuff. That should be EASY.   I lost it on him.  Kallyn called me a bit later crying.  She said that when he dropped her off she saw that he had tears in his eyes.  He told her that he is more depressed than he's ever been before.  That is so NOT FAIR of him to do to her!  It broke her heart.  She was alone at Joey's and sobbing. I felt helpless.  I had reminded her that her dad sort of put himself in the spot he was in and she said "What do you mean?"  I think she had a momentary lapse.  I reminded her and then said something about it not being easy for me either and she then sort of turned on me and said that I seemd totally fine and it was what I wanted so I should be happy.  IT. SHOCKED. ME.  She has not said anything like that before and I think she was just in the moment of her dads sadness but it has really bothered me.  I was tempted to print out the blog where I told how lonley and awful it is, but I don't want her to know I am blogging about this.  She seems to think I am not and I am going going to correct her. I don't want the girls to know that I am miserable.  That's not fair to them.

Then last night Kallyn and I were watching TV and Karli came in and said she needed help with a poem for school.  Then she got really started crying and explained that she had to write a poem about her dad.  The two examples that had been read in class were about alcohol and abuse.  Great examples.  All of the poems that are written are going to be read in front of the class so she wants to write a good, happy poem but she was having trouble thinking of any happy memories.  Even softball.  When she thinks of softball now, she remembers him missing the first two games of last season because he was in treatment... treatment that didn't work.  I think we got her going on when he coached soccer.   Kallyn got really mad, she doesn't think the school should make them write about a specific person for the very reason of how its affecting Karli.  Karli said it was to be on a "father figure" so someone could write about another man in their life if they didn't have a dad.  The sad thing is they don't have any other men in the life that would work.   One Grandpa is an alcoholic and the other isn't around very much.

Today I checked our bank account and saw that Jake's unemployment was not deposited yet.  I told him and he texted me back  "Shit now they tell me my balance is 0.  I will get a hold of them today."   Well, I know he can't collect it forever but NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO RUN OUT!!   That's $1200 a month and we are not surviving WITH IT.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I keep praying.  Praying for strength and wisdom to know what to do.  I don't know how long that is going to keep me out of serious trouble.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

No sleep apnea

My sleep study came back normal.  He was surprised that I don't have sleep apnea.  He said now adays just about everyone has at least slight sleep apnea.  He also sort of wished I had it so that he could help me.  Ambien is about all I can do.  And trying to continue to make sure I follow the right guidelines for going to bed.

Meanwhile, British girl still sounds British.  She goes to the Dr at 4:45 today.  That is really her only concern, so I guess that it is good. She flipped when I told her about sharing the Neon. She says she wants to help out but whenever I try to get her to help, she sure doesn't seem to want to help.  It is always "poor me".  She was trying to fill out a job app last night but her computer decided to get a virus and that is where her resume is.  She had sent her resume to her email last month but she couldn't find it there.  She had a big melt down. She is very stressed about money.  I wanted to scream at her that I AM THE ONE STRESSED ABOUT MONEY!!  She is 19 and has a roof over her head and I feed her. That's all she needs. Be grateful.  I couldn't do anything to comfort her.  I was too stuck in my own depression. I just wanted to be in bed, reading and forgetting (that's not exactly doing what the sleep Dr says to do...)

Karli has not felt good the last 2 days.  She thinks it is just her period making her not feel well but I am worried it is more.  I don't know if it is a bug or depression. She comes home from school and crawls into bed.  She looks pale and says her head & stomach hurts.  Her ears have been bothering her off & on too. 

Ok, typing while working and I've lost my blogging mood.  I finally told my boss about 1/2 hour ago about getting divorced. Instead of feeling this weight off my chest, I feel more of a weight.  The gray/white outside does not help.  No... I am not doing good.  BUT I keep telling myself that I will be fine.  I am always fine.  There have been many many times I have felt this helpless, hopeless feeling and come out swinging again.  I just need to get over it.  I probably shouldn't even be blogging, I don't mean to freak anyone out.  It just sort of pours out.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Going against the Dr

So, I sort of think of Dr's as authority figures and being the people pleaser that I am, I always want to do what they say.  However,  I just did not like the feeling I was having from the RA insisting that I see this particulat Neurosurgeon, knowing that I had seen his partner for my anneurysm.  I spent 90 minutes with the guy.  I feel comfortable with him.  The area that needs to be looked at is not very far away from my anneurysm.  Doesn't it seem to make sense you'd keep the same person, unless you didn't like them?

When I called the Neurosurgeon place, at first the scheduler tried to tell me that I couldn't even see the other guy as the 3 Dr's had a policy in place that if someone saw one of the Dr's, that one of the others would not see them.  Sounds ethical to me.  They don't want have a competition thing in place.  I told her how strongly the Dr was insisting, so she put me on hold for a bit and came back on & said she had gotten permission to transfer my file.  Basically saying that I would become the new Dr's patient only.  She also said that she wasn't supposed to have a favorite but personally she thought the one I HAD seen was a ROCKSTAR.  My gut was churning.  I told her that I was probably wrong to say so out loud but I almost felt like the two Dr's had a $$ thing between them.  She said that between her and me, that DID happen.  My jaw almost hit the desk.  She told me I had to go with my gut.  I said that I didn't want to make the Dr mad at me, but it was MY body.  I chose to go with MY original Dr.  Part of me is bracing for an attack from the RA.  I saw Stan today though and he said to remember that I hired the RA.  That he WORKS FOR ME.  I shouldn't be scared of him.  I just feel like he holds my life & hope in his hands.  Anyways, I see the Neurosurgeon on the 27th unless they have a cancellation before then. 

We got a letter from our mortgage company that we have entered into the foreclosure process.  We can gather all of this paperwork and have a meeting with them to discuss things.  But they basically want about $2700.  We owe Dec & Jan morgtage and a little of Nov.  I just canceled the insurance on the Mustang and am either going to drive the Geo or the truck.  Jake say he will drive the Geo.  Neither of our bodies can handle the stick/clutch too well.  The car is a P.O.S. that needs work done on it.  Kallyn's car needs tires DESPARATELY.  They told her it was dangerous to drive it. 

My arms & fingertips are getting awfully tired of holding me on the edge of the roof.  I am ready to just let go.

too much pain

I haven't blogged because of the amount of pain I am in. Last Monday I swear I walked into PT and told him I was about 40% better.  He had me ride the exercise bike for 5 minutes and I think that is what killed me.  Also that evening Hope jumped on my back from behind, needles in my shoulder, startling me and I totally twisted my back. Every day from Monday on I hurt more.  L O T S more.  By Friday I was a 10 and in too much pain to focus at work.  I had PT a 7 am and he said I should not be in so much pain from what they were doing to me.  Both he and another PT were adament that riding the bike would not increase my pain. I KNOW MY BODY though and I know that something like riding it for that long CAN cause a flare up. My follow up appt w/the RA was on the 25th.  He said to try to get in sooner.  I called the Dr at noon and they had 3 pm cancellation.  This is the Dr that takes almost an hour to get to because of traffic.  OY. 

So I get there and he said he had the results from my special neck MRI that I had in mid-Dec. I had almost forgot about that.  Apparantly I have like herniated discs at C4, C5, & C-6.  C-6 is so bad that I need surgery.  Surgery that there is no way I can have.  I have no sick or vacation time.  I have no money.  When I move certain ways I am crushing my spinal cord.  I need to go see a neurosurgeon.  But he was INSISTENT that I see a particular one.  He repeated it over and over. He is in the same office as the one that I saw for my aneurysm but he INSISTED that I see this other guy.  I left there with a weird vibe.  Am I being paranoid?  Could they be in cahoots?  Could I possible not really need surgery but they would work together to give referrals and do unnecesary surgery?  He had also INSISTED that I go to the MRI place in Renton, that no other place could do the MRI that he needed.  But the one from Kirkland had called me to schedule it.  All of a sudden, the DR that I was putting all my hope into, I have a funny feeling about and don't trust.

He did give me some meds to try to ease this flare up.  So far, nothing.  Gasoline in my hip and butt and upper thigh.  That is pretty much what if feels like. It hurts more to sit... or no - does it hurt more to walk? Sometimes my leg/hip doesn't feel like its going to hold me.  I spent the weekend in bed alternating heat & ice. Hoping that rest, along with the new meds would help. Not yet.

Kallyn is doing better.  She has a voice, though it is not her own.  She has quite the British accent going on.  She hates it but I think it is quite cute.  She is afraid it will stay forever, but she has not quit coughing up stuff since she had surgery and it sounds & feels to her like there is "gunk" on her voice box. She still has some pain but she is eating more and she can definately talk. She sees the Dr on Wednesday.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Trying not to worry

Kallyn is at day 9 of having her tonsils removed and she is still in quite a bit of pain.  She is not eating much except jello and miso soup.  Just in the last 2-3 days does she have a voice and it is still not all the way there and at the moment she has sort of British accent.  She sounds like a British deaf person.  She says her throat feels raw (if she would quit coughing, that might help).  Her tongue has stayed swollen so it is hard to move and it is painful to try to eat anything that would require using your tongue to get food out of your teeth.  She says pudding is too thick and gets caught in her throat.  I have been MAKING her eat yogurt and/or drinking Danimals so that she doesn't get a yeast infection. She eats like a small bowl or two of ice cream a day but she says it tastes funny.  She is quite the difficult patient.  The pain medicine makes her itch so she's been taking Benadryl, which is nice because it knocks her out ; ) 

I called the on-call Dr on Sunday, and he is the one that said to get Benadryl and that she could take extral Tyelenol (she had a temp of 100.2) so I got Benadryl Sinus that was a combo as it is difficult to swollow pills.  He said that on day 6 what she was going through was normal and she should turn the corner any day.  I am torn between thinking "This IS Kallyn, of course she is having more difficulties and it's just going to take her longer." and being TERRIFIED that her RSD is going to move to her throat and she will end up with this pain forever.  She keeps asking in panicked voice "My voice isn't going to stay like this is it?" and I say "Of course not Kallyn. Why would you even think that?" in my don't be dumb voice - and then the voice in my head whispers "oh god, PLEASE don't let her voice stay like that!! Don't let her get RSD in her throat."  I know that chances are very great that she is just taking longer to heal, but I'm the mom and I can't help but worry.  That is why I get paid the big mom bucks.  She sees the Dr next Wednesday. I'm sure by then she will be much much better.

In better news, KARLI GOT HER BRACES OFF!!!!  She has been quite the trooper for 5 years.  She got her braces on in 3rd grade and now she is in 9th.  Big Beautiful $6,000 smile ")

Monday, January 3, 2011

Comment from my last blog

I had a wonderful comment on my last entry from a blog friend of Shana's.  Much wisdom.

"Painful as it sounds, you would do well to take off time from meeting Mr. Right or finding some guy your life for a year or so until you have achieved some sort of perspective. Hang out with the gals, or try some guys as friends with no romantic agenda - guys you are not interested in, in that way. While you are not whole, you will only meet people who fit the broken places and that is NOT a good recipe for doing anything but repeating the past. Life is long, and there will be time for a partner later. You will get a better perspective one what you want, not just 'a guy'."

I just talked to my aunt earlier that same day; she's 18 mos younger than me and going through a separation after 16 yrs of being together (they never married). She said when they broke up she put a 6 month moritorium on dating on herself. She has 1 more month to go and she's thinking of extending it.  

I thought that the "moratorium" was a good idea. Especially since I actually cannot see dating anyone....getting close to anyone or letting them "in (unless I date someone and tell him upfront he's the "rebound guy" so I can get that out of my system LOL) But at the same time I seem to have a need to have a guy in my life. To have a strong shoulder to lean on. I do have a guy friend that I have recently reconnected with. He was a really good friend from age 14-18 and then we lost touch. We reconnected on FB and met on 11/6. We've been texting frequently since. There is NO chemistry there. He is recently divorced himself so knows what its all about & he's "safe". We haven't seen each other in person again because he lives 45 min away and he works graveyard so schedules don't exactly mesh but we've talked about hanging out.

It's a really small world, but he actually dated Kirty before Travis did. She cheated on him w/Travis. Jr High stuff. How does all this stuff come back around??

Thanks for your comment David. It is always nice to see someone else reading my blog. ")