Ugh

Wednesday Jake took Kallyn to her follow up Dr appt.  Where by the way, the Dr has never heard of anyone acquiring an accent after having their tonsils removed... everything is fine with Kallyn and hopefully the accent will go away in a 2-3 weeks when the rest of the swelling is gone.  Only Kallyn.

Afterwards he took her to her boyfriends house.  I was on the phone with her and then ended up talking to him and couldn't resist yelling at him for once again not getting me some paperwork for work that he hasn't gotten me YET.  That he promised me. AGAIN. Some of it goes back to September but some of it is from December and I don't understand why he can't get me the December stuff. That should be EASY.   I lost it on him.  Kallyn called me a bit later crying.  She said that when he dropped her off she saw that he had tears in his eyes.  He told her that he is more depressed than he's ever been before.  That is so NOT FAIR of him to do to her!  It broke her heart.  She was alone at Joey's and sobbing. I felt helpless.  I had reminded her that her dad sort of put himself in the spot he was in and she said "What do you mean?"  I think she had a momentary lapse.  I reminded her and then said something about it not being easy for me either and she then sort of turned on me and said that I seemd totally fine and it was what I wanted so I should be happy.  IT. SHOCKED. ME.  She has not said anything like that before and I think she was just in the moment of her dads sadness but it has really bothered me.  I was tempted to print out the blog where I told how lonley and awful it is, but I don't want her to know I am blogging about this.  She seems to think I am not and I am going going to correct her. I don't want the girls to know that I am miserable.  That's not fair to them.

Then last night Kallyn and I were watching TV and Karli came in and said she needed help with a poem for school.  Then she got really started crying and explained that she had to write a poem about her dad.  The two examples that had been read in class were about alcohol and abuse.  Great examples.  All of the poems that are written are going to be read in front of the class so she wants to write a good, happy poem but she was having trouble thinking of any happy memories.  Even softball.  When she thinks of softball now, she remembers him missing the first two games of last season because he was in treatment... treatment that didn't work.  I think we got her going on when he coached soccer.   Kallyn got really mad, she doesn't think the school should make them write about a specific person for the very reason of how its affecting Karli.  Karli said it was to be on a "father figure" so someone could write about another man in their life if they didn't have a dad.  The sad thing is they don't have any other men in the life that would work.   One Grandpa is an alcoholic and the other isn't around very much.

Today I checked our bank account and saw that Jake's unemployment was not deposited yet.  I told him and he texted me back  "Shit now they tell me my balance is 0.  I will get a hold of them today."   Well, I know he can't collect it forever but NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO RUN OUT!!   That's $1200 a month and we are not surviving WITH IT.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I keep praying.  Praying for strength and wisdom to know what to do.  I don't know how long that is going to keep me out of serious trouble.