I give up

I got a @##$%!$# speeding ticket! :(  <:-(   #$@!%#@$ Karli missed the school bus and I had to drive her down a road that is infamous for cops.  I KNOW to not speed on that road but I was just not thinking this morning.  Actually, I was thinking that I didn't want to be late for work again. I saw the unmarked car ahead of me just as his arm came out the window.  I didn't even know how fast I was going.  I had just been chatting away with Karli.

Jake's unemployment ran out. No more extensions. We now get approx $1200 less a month than we were getting. They never seemed to pay on time and the amount varied but there was money every week and we were barely (haha) getting by WITH IT.

My health insurance goes up approx $80 a paycheck starting Feb 1.  I will know the exact amount in the next week.  Plus co-pays go up.

And I need surgery.  I see the neurosurgeon next week but I saw my MD yesterday that I have seen for 22 years and love & trust and she said the neck MRI was not good at all. I said I CAN. NOT. HAVE. SURGERY.  She said that if I don't have surgery then I could move a wrong way or do something wrong & become permanently impaired.  SHIT.  She said I MUST go to the consult next week to see what he has to say. Well, of course I had already planned to do that. I asked if my neck could REALLY be causing the pain on my left side.  She said typically your neck causes pain in the arms & head but if it was really messed up, YES, it could be causing the pain in my leg.  So surgery could be a really good thing. She held my hand and said surgery could fix many things and bring me hope. I love her.  Wouldn't it be great if it fixed my headaches? I really can't have surgery though.  I have no sick time.  4 days of vacation. I am the only one working.  Then there is the medical bills. The last time I had surgery instead of being off work 2-3 wks, it turned into 8.

Then I think about my pain.  If I will be in this pain until I have surgery, then I want surgery tomorrow. My pain keeps increasing.  Burning pain, almost like there is fire under my skin. From my low back to my arch. It used to "just" be my butt & hip, now its the whole left leg.  It is very hard to concentrate, to walk, to do much of anything. They don't want to do anything more with me until I go to the Dr next Thursday. I am on a bunch of meds that seem to do nothing but make my mind react slower. I hate for my daughters to see me like this.  I usually try to hide it when I am in so much pain but for some reason I can't seem to hide it this time.

I keep trying to hold on.  I gotta hold on for my girls.