Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My heart is broken and my mind confused

I have two daughters with two different stories (as usually is the case).

One adamantly swears she did NOT push her sister, that she just wanted to get past her and might have bumped her. She has cried many tears.  She is upset that we would believe that she would hurt her sister.

The other says that her sister "lost it" and not only shoved her but had her hand back in a fist for a minute like she might punch her too.  She fell against this wood table, her arm was sore for several days and her foot has really hurt her since and is getting worse, so she went to the Dr.  Turns out she has a stress fracture.  She is broken hearted and says she feels so alone because no one believes her.  Her parents don't believe her, her boyfriend doesn't believe her.  No one believes that her sister would do such a thing.  She says SHE wouldn't believe it either, that is why she was so scared when it happened. 

WHAT IS A PARENT TO DO IN SUCH A SITUATION???  I keep saying that I will not take sides, that I was not there, no one was there to witness it and that everyone has there own sides and own perceptions. 

But Kallyn can here the hesitiation in my voice that I don't believe Karli would do such a thing.  I told her maybe I'm just in denial that my child is capable.  But she wants more.  She wants me to say I choose her and to punish Karli.

I am still waiting on my taxes.  Usually when we give our taxes to our neighbor he gives them back the same day or at least by the next day.  I took them over SATURDAY. This is WEDNESDAY.  I know, I know... this is tax season... I'm just saying this is unusual and I am in dire straights.  I am going to call him today.  The credit union is done with payments.  They now want the full amount by the end of the month.  $2450 or they are sending our mortgage on to the foreclosure department.  *sigh*   I almost don't even care anymore.  I am about out of fight.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Kallyn went to the doctor (well, Nurse practioner technically) today because she was sure she had a sinus infection and because her foot has been killing her ever since the ahem *fight* that she and Karli had last Wednesday.  She had an x-ray and it is suspected that it is a stress fracture but not sure so they are sending her for an MRI.  O.M.G.  They don't want her to stand on it.  She is supposed to work for 7.5 hours a day on her feet for the next 4 days.... and yes, she has a sinus infection.

Congrats to Mo on her job.  Hopefully this is her turning around point.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

My power of positive thinking on Friday?


That is the nicest word I can think of to say.

My positive day Friday? 

Kallyn working her first day all by herself ended up with her leaving work early sicker than a dog.  She spent most of the day at work puking.  She thought she had the flu but she has spent the last few days in bed, probably with a sinus infection.  She is calling the Dr today.  She was supposed to work Saturday and Monday and she did not.  Being that it is a coffee/food stand, her boss doesn't want her there with her germs. 

Karli going to Fieldwork from 4-6 on Friday to earn $100?  Almost didn't end well. They were supposed to be there at 3:45 to check in, which her FATHER knew.  I sent him the email with directions and instruction.  I emailed it to him at 10 am.  I texted him to let him know that I sent it.  He was at our house at 2, Karli get home close to 3.  They were to leave at 3.  Weeeeellll, I guess Karli said she was tired to he told her to lay down and take a short nap.  W.T.H.???  He believes that EVERYONE should spend their lives in bed resting. sleeping. doing nothing.  That is his cure for everything.  So they left the house at 3:30.  To get to downtown Seattle at 3:45.  You can't always get there in a half hour, so getting there by 4 was touchy.  If you are late to this then you don't get in.  You don't get paid.  Of course their whole drive there I am texting and asking where they are.  Completely stressed out.  Not working.  Pissed to high heaven.  They got there at 4:10.  At 4:23 I texted JAke and said "Well, did she get in?"  His response "We are waiting in the lobby."  "WAITING FOR WHAT?" 

Meanwhile I am talking to Kallyn on the phone, she is crying because her boss showed up to work to check on her on her first day and flipped out because Kallyn was working and she was sick.  Germs everywhere. She sent her home.  Kallyn said she had been trying to call her for 2 hours and she hadn't answered her phone but then she was mad at her like she should have called her. 

Then I got a text at 4:33 from Karli saying that she didn't get to go in but they GAVE HER THE $100 Visa Gift card anyways.  She is so damn lucky and so is Jake.  He got to live.

I had a nice Saturday and nice Sunday, until 9:20 pm when Kallyn called me and said "Had Jeanetha been sick?" and I told her not that I knew of.  She said "Demison posted RIP Mom on his FB" and I said "NOOOOOOO!" I said "I am pretty sure his dad has had cancer more than once, are you sure it doesn't say RIP Dad?" and she said "No, it says RIP Mom"  I was freaked so I texted Mo to see if she knew anything.  She didn't but I freaked her out.  I went to Jeanetha's FB page and other people's FB page.  Nothing.  I messaged her best friend and she responded fairly quickly confirming, that yes it was true, that Jeanetha was gone.  It was a heart attack.  I was never good friends with her but I would say more than acquaintances.  Kallyn went to Kindergarten with one of her sons and all the way through school, so that means I've known her for 14 years.  It seems that EVERYONE knows her.  She was a very popular bus driver so kids and parents know her.  Her sons played sports, She was involved in PTA, involved in church and she did have a smile that lit up a room. And only 43 years old.  Do you know how scary that is??   Oh, and she worked at Childrens.  I am thinking how torn up her coworkers must be.  I know the bus drivers are. 

I am came to work today and now there is a blizzard outside my office.  My boss just left and told me (with a laugh) not to get lost in the blizzard.  HELLO?!?  Can I go home please? I don't know how bad it's supposed to get.  I supposed I should have listened to the news last night instead of laughing at them when they said it was going to snow.  They are SOOOO often wrong.

Ok, now that I am thoroughly depressed.  I must get to work.  It is a Monday & a Tuesday on a payroll week. Busy Busy.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Scooter and then Good things

Scooter has been gone a week now.  I cry at least once every day, if not several.  Work keeps me distracted but going home is SO hard. I want to hold the other cats sooo close to me but at the same time, it is hard to see them without thinking of Scooter. Ok, tearing up.

I seem to just talk about negative things so I am going to focus on a few positive things:




FieldWork called Karli last night and today from 4-6 she is doing a study on bubblegum.  She is going to go chew gum for 2 hours and get paid $100! She is E S T A T I C. (and Kallyn is a little upset because she didn't pass the phone survey a couple weeks ago to do the same thing).

Then they called right back for me and I am doing a music survey on the 26th.  3 hrs for $90. I did one once before and the 3 hrs flew by.  You listen to 5 seconds of a song & rate it 1-5 on if you like it, sick of it etc. You are helping an unknown radio station with their programming.  Kinda cool.  I think it is WARM. You can often get a hint from the survey questions.

Kallyn loves her job.  Today is her 1st day by herself so she is really nervous.  Her computer had died but my coworker spent hours on it, recovering everything, buying a new hard drive and then putting it all back together.  All because he likes to do it and because he likes us. ")

I am going to see Jen tomorrow while Coco is in dance class.  I miss Jen SO much!  Then I am going to go visit Kallyn while she is working and check out "Cafe Oue Ragazze"

Of course there is not so great stuff going on but I am trying really hard today to focus on the positive.

Monday, February 14, 2011


I had fun Saturday... of course.  Although it was disappointing that no one got tipsy enough to laugh at. 

When  I got home though and there was still no sign of Scooter, I lost it.  I had been calling for him and looking around the neighborhood all day Saturaday.  I realized Saturday morn that I hadn't seen him since Thursday AM.   I was awake until 5:30.  Crying.  Kallyn came home at 1:300 but I didn't tell her until the morning.  We just do. not. need. this. 

He is just such a loving, snuggling BIG boy!  He looks like a lion but we call him our cowardly lion because the birds making noise in the backyard will scare him.  The wind blowing the trees will scare him.  He is also are whiney boy.  He doesn't MEOW, he MOW's or Maaaaaaw.  He is my "potty buddy".  For some reason he LOVES to sit on your lap when you go to the bathroom. As soon as you reach for the toilet paper, he jumps down.  He just likes that little snuggle.  If he sees you heading that way, he will run after you.  Sometimes he goes in to the bathroom and Maw's and stands by the toilet like he is telling you to sit down.  So you sit on the toilet (pants up) and he jumps up and sits down.  Sometimes when you reach for the toilet paper he will lean back into you, like "nope, I'm not done snuggling yet."  Scooter James.  Scooter Booter Buddy Boy.  Scoot.  Buddy.  

I am praying he's alive and that we find him but I just feel this heaviness in my heart.  I started feeling it on Saturday.  Like I just know that a coyote got him.  I am not trying to be negative... not at all.  You know people often say that they can feel when someone is gone.  I just have this deep ache in my heart.  Like I know he's gone.  Damn.  tears starting again. I have to go.

PS  I did make several phone calls at lunch.  I make too damn much money for some help ... and I am playing phone tag with other people.  Spent lots of time on hold for nothing.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sorry I meant to come back

I gave periods of coming close to completely shutting down and then I pop back up. (I just pictured a person in a life vest in the ocean... being sucked under and then bobbing back up). 

My home message was because of the girls.  They had a HORRIBLE fight, which some of you might go "Oh, is that all?" but it was more than just a fight. It involved shoving and a fall an injuries. Two emotional teen-age girls going through A LOT that need to be in counseling.  The one who needs it the most flat out refuses. I am playing phone tag with someone from a community counseling center for the other. Two days of total tension.  Of the girls not be able to be home alone together. Things are a little better, but still not great.

I have not contacted HUD yet because so far the Credit Union/Mortgage company is trying to work with us.  We are 3 months behind and they sent us a foreclosure letter but we are working on filling out some paperwork and trying to get some hardship thing (I can't remember what it is calld) that will help us out for 3 more month.  I applied for DSHS but I make too much. I applied for free school lunch but I haven't heard back yet.  I have yet to talk to PUD about a possible credit because I have a letter from DSHS, but it is on my list.  I have a list and I have been going down it.  I have had to call DSHS a couple of times and each time you have to spend about a half hour on hold.  That is very hard to do at work, especially since my desk is next to my boss's desk.   It is so hard to feel like you keep trying to do all the right things and nothing ever works out.

I have friends who ask me what they can do to help and I honestly DO NOT KNOW.  It is not a matter of pride. Never pride.  I learned at young age that I needed to be dependant on my self.  That I was the only one I could trust, that I was the only one there for me.  I only had myself for a long time.  But in the last few years I have had the love and support of some wonderful friends.  My chosen family.  I know they would do anything for me and I have leaned on them many times, and many times they have supported me without asking.  There are a couple people who just check in with me, text me randomly and that seems to help more than anything as it reminds me that I am not alone. Other than that, IF I KNEW WHAT THEY COULD DO TO HELP, I WOULD ASK!!!!  I just had a situation at the Jr High and I did ask for help... I have asked for advise several times on the situation actually. (oh, and I am going to the Jr High next Thurs for a mtg with a drug prevention specialist. Yay on both accounts - having to go to the school and yay for the need to meet w/such a person).

Jake is supposed to be finishing up this medical worksheet today so we can give our taxes to our neighbor (CPA) tomorrow.  I know we spent enough to get a medical deducation but we had trouble finding all the insurance papers needed.  Jake finally found them on Thursday.  Last year we got almost $7k back and we are in about the same situation.  I am not expecting that much but we usually get $2-3k back so I would expect at least that much, which would pay for Dec & Jan mortgage.

Girls night out at Mo's tonight.  I am looking forward to it ")  I need some hugs.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I let Jake handle the cable yesterday.  I won't go into the whole thing because he was driving me crazy all day yesterday.  That man can NOT do what he says he is going to.  Whoops... I am starting to get into it.  Anyways... at 4:50 I textedd him to ask what the hell was happening and did I need to call and take care of it.  He said it "I took care of it."  I had to call to ask WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  Because at 1:00 he was supposed to be calling me back shortly & he never did.  Turns out his mom paid the $388 they were demanding in order to turn the cable, internet & phone back on.  Now I am SO ETERNALLY GRATEFUL to this woman!!!!

However,  we are also close to getting our power shut off and losing our mortgage.  If she has $388 to give us.  Should it go to one of those more imperatively NEEDED things over something that is WANTED?? and should I have been consulted first??  But he is a man and he said he would "take care of it" so he did.  Lets not think about the other things.

Kallyn got a job yesterday!!!  She is going to be working in a coffee shop that is in a grocery store in Kirkland.  The mother of her best-friend-since-birth called on Saturday and said that the Supervisor just fired someone and was pretty much willing to hire Kallyn on the say so of FBSB's mom.  Kallyn just needed to come in to meet her.  Kallyn did that and the lady called back yesterday to confirm that she got it and she starts Friday.  She will work Fri, Sat & Mon from 10-6. 

I was having a pretty good day and then I got the Junior High's weekly email blast.  This blurb sort of sent me over the edge.

"Due to a change in the chairperson for the PTSA volunteers, we have no chaperons for our dance on Friday evening."

Sort of makes it sound like they are trying to make it my fault. Or perhaps I am just ultra-sensitive. There is a Dance Committee.  With Dance Chaperones.  Last I counted, there were 10-15 people on that list.  It is not solely my fault that there would not be chaperones.  And HELLO??? They didn't put this in the weekly blast LAST week, no - they waited until 2 days before the dance. 

And I just got a text that the girls are fighting.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

My turn

My turn to wake up and find that the cable has been turned off.  I just made a $50 payment last Wednesday on line, thinking that would make them happy. I was going to make another one this Friday.  Now that its been turned off they probably want $200-$300 to turn it back on and that aint happening anytime soon.  Kallyn was like "But that is what we DO to cope with our pain!  We snuggle & watch TV together"

This week marks the beginning of having an additional $75 of insurance taken out of my check each payday.  I pay $281.38 EVERY PAY DAY because I pay for Jake & the kids.  It is the same price for 1 kid or 10 and while I qualify for state help with Karli, Kallyn is 19 and too old now so I'd have to insure her.  Which seems a little bogus to me.  I think if your child is still at home, dependent on you and in high school full time, that even if they are 19.  That they turned 19 during the year that they are a senior (ok, yes she is a 2nd yr SR, but only because of HEALTH issues), that they should still qualify. *sigh*  Once Jake gets a job I will get to pay ONLY $121 a paycheck! WOOHOO! 

I am still dealing with the pain from falling Friday.  It is different pain.  Not nerve burning pain like I've been having.  This is more like bone pain. Like something is off kilter, out-of-wack pain.  My knee is swollen still. I have been alternating heat & ice.  My body has been wanting ice... which is NOT typical for me.  Not at all un-huh.  So that tells me there's lots of inflammation.  Perhpas I just bruised bone.  That would be best case scenario. Please.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Boom boom

Karli stayed home from school yesterday (mental health day).  I went home at lunch to get her & bring her back to my work.  The boss was out for the day and the other guy that works there suggested getting her so she could play pinball, eat chips & drink pop and be with mom.

Once I was home, it was hard to leave and I stayed longer than planned.  Had lunch with both girls, which was  very nice. (Shortly after I had left work one of the other guys that I work with who will back me up on the phones had come in, so I wasn't feeling extremely stressed to go back to work AND as of 12:30 I had my 40 hours in and while OT is great for me, my boss doesn't really approve of it.)

Soooo, Karli and I were about to get in the car. I had my hands full, stepping carefully to avoid the mud as I got in the car.  Yet, something did not happen right. My foot slipped.  I went down hard on my butt and I think my knee twisted, and I rolled to end up parrallel to the car.  Stuff in both hands, my arms like trapped to my sides so Karli had to take stuff away from me before I could even try to get up.   As I fell, I had flashbacks to the 2004 playground fall in which I herniated my disc and sprained my knee & ankle.  I thought I might be able to just go into the house & change and use ice for a bit and then go back to work. HAHA Within 10 minutes I was having major spasms from my neck on down. Knif3 like pains in my buttocks.

I have had that playground flashback several times since then.  The mud on the back side of my jeans is EXACTLY where my pain has been.  That is where I hit hard.  I keep looking to see if its black & blue because it feels like it should be.  Something feels wrong. My knee and shin hurt, I get twinges in my ankle.  All of that is connected to your discs in your spine though and that is where the pain could be coming from.  If I didn't have a herniated disc then, I might now.  

If there is a God up there, I really don't know what I ever did to piss him off so much.  I certainly don't think he's a very loving god. I just keep trying to do right by my girls and myself.  Hanging by my fingernails and then I get these blows to knock me down.  I managed to talk them out of turning off my water yesterday by paying half.  I had to borrow money from Karli until next Friday, leaving me w/40 for gas & food.  When I went back to work I was supposed to call PUD to talk to them about not turning off the power w/out offering them any money til Fri.  All my info is at work (Had tried 2x before but had to get off hold to answer work calls). 

Ok, I have to quit typing. I keep making typos.  Between pain & muscle relaxers, my mind is fuzzy and typing is not easy.  I am just so frustrated and unhappy.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I try to smile

So, I heard this along time ago:

"Smiles make you feel good. Even if you're feeling a little blue, insert happy thoughts into your mind and just add that smile. The smile will trick your mind into feeling better, as endorphins are released to reduce physical or emotional stress."

If you put a smile on your face, even if you aren't feeling it, it is supposed to make you feel better.  So every morning on my way to work I try to remember to put a smile on my face to set the mood for the day.  No matter what mood I am in or how I am feeling, when I answer the phone at work there is a smile in my voice.  

So today, I had JUST plastered that smile on my face.  Put some happy thoughts in my mind (despite the depressing evening and morning I had, which I will tell you about shortly) and there was blue sky.  LOVELY DAY.  Then I switch lanes on the freeway.  And hear skidding behind me. I look in my rear view mirror and there is a card stopped in the freeway. I HAD CHANGED LANES ALMOST INTO IT!  If it hadn't slammed on it's brakes, I would have totally broadsided it.  I wet myself a little and shook for the next 10 minutes to work.  I am sure the poor driver did the same thing.  I have had that happen to me before, (as the driver that had to slam on their brakes) and was upset for HOURS afterwards.  I am still mortified.  

Last night was SO exhausting.  I spent most of the evening with Karli.  She is just hurting SO much.  So is Kallyn.  She had something awful happen with a friend yesterday that just added to her stress and depression.  He is being punished with 30 days in King County jail for something he SO didn't do.  The justice system is not always fair. (Yes, I am saying SO a lot).  Karli would not get up this morning.  She just kept covering the blankets over her head saying she wanted to stay in bed all day.  I made her get up for school but I had to drive her.  When we left the house, there were two aid cars at a neighbors house, loading the dad in as we left.  He is in his 50's and has early onset Alzheimer's as the result of a brain injury from a few years ago.  She has known his son all her life (She calls him the brother she never wanted).   

I was talking to Jake almost every day but I haven't talked to him since last Friday because I know if I do, I will just end up getting all upset.  Oh, with the exception of that every night at 9 he sends a text to all 3 of us that says almost the same exact thing every night "Good night, love you all very much".  I usually respond by saying "Good Night" and that's it.  Sometimes I don't respond.  I don't really like being included but it's not enough to make me say anything to him and make his ego any worse than it is. 

Phil didn't see his shadow, meaning spring is coming early.  HOWEVER, I have heard he is NOT a very good forecaster. 

 The National Climatic Data Center reportedly stated that Phil's prediction's have been correct 39 percent of the time. 

Don't forget to BREATHE.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I just needed a good scream.   I know I am about to go off the deep end because I am desperately craving a cigarette all of a sudden. 

I want to blog SO bad but have not had time.  I barely got to eat lunch. I couldn't blog last night because Karli was watching TV with me, which I just LOVE. 

So yesterday, I spent about 2 hrs either on the phone w/DSHS or trying to get a hold of them. I found out that I qualify for a whopping $11 a month in food help I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY!?!?.  But I do quality for free lunch for Karli and a letter to try to get help from PUD.  Which is good, because when I tried to apply for PUD help, they told me I made too much.  I still have to call PSE.  It is really hard to do all this while I am working.  Thank god my boss was out a lot yesterday.

I paid $500 towards my DECEMBER mortgage yesterday.  I AM really lucky that my mortgage is so low, I don't think I could find a 3 bedroom apt for less than the $1190 I pay for mortgage, but when you owe 2 1/2+ and then late payments, it is still a lot.  Between PUD, Water, PSE, Comcast & Verizon I currently owe $1850 - that is after making $25 & $50 payments to them all yesterday, with the exception of Verizon, I had to pay them $240 to stay turned on and owe them another $240 by the 4th.  I have to get money to a collections guy this week for Schick.  Isn't that nice? We owe them $2440 for something that didn't work.  We have paid them $200 but then it went to collections.  Oh and do you know that in January between Dr copays & prescription copays (mostly prescriptions) we spent $519??  Crazy huh?  Thank God for the Flexible Spending plan.  I have $ taken out of my check and then can turn around and get reimbursed, so yes, I am paying twice but getting reimbursed once but it is tax free so it helps at tax time and getting that money back right away sure really helps. 

Today I have been told by two mothers that my youngest smoked pot this past weekend.  Two totally different tactics.  One texted me to tell me her daughter didn't pass a UA for pot and she wanted to let me know since Karli had been with her during the weekend.  She has done this before.  She is very nice and she is going through struggles with her step-daughter.  The other one said that her daughter told her she had smoked pot over the weekend (the 2 moms happen to be friends so they had probably talked) and then she said "You know Karli did too right?" (actually, I DONT know any such thing until I talk to Karli - I am not going to assume... even though, yes I know the chance is high... ) and she was just almost belligerent about it. The first girl is a very bad influence.  She is the one that gets the drug and REALLY peer pressures the girls into it...calls them names, begs.. is just MEAN until the least that is what I have heard 2nd hand.  *sigh*  of course I CANT know any of this first hand.  Or I lose ALL info I get.  But when I go home, after working and going grocery shopping, I get to talk to my daughter and question her about what she did this weekend.  So much fun to be a parent sometimes. 

Do you know how hard it is to WORK when you have all this SHIT in your mind, hanging over your head?  I just have to keep reminding myself to BREATHE.  The ONLY thing going is that the prednisone, as awful of a drug as it is, it helping with the pain.  

Oh yeah, Kallyn is in one of her depressions.  She is depressed and moody about EVERYTHING.  And she decided to start working out at a Gym (she had a week free coupon and now her boyfriend has joined and is paying for her until she gets a job)  It is a way for her to take out her aggression/depression but it has made her RSD flare up HUGELY, which just makes a vicious cycle for her depression.  I HATE it!  Especially since she is not seeing a counselor.  Seeing the counselor once a week when she was like this helped tremendously.  double *sigh*. 

Ok, done venting for now.  Back to work.  (It's taken me 2 hours to get this done.)