Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Us 3 girls are going to our first "family" counseling session today at 2.  I am very nervous.  I think today will just be a background - get to know her sort of thing, but I still think it will be stressful.

Kar doesn't talk cuz she doesn't want to upset her sister but she agreed to go so she's going to have to talk.

Things go SO up and down.  Good for a day or two and then I'm always the bad guy and ruin it all. *sigh*

My mother seems to have turned even more on the mad side.  She's moved into a mobile home and Jake is moving in with Kal.  That means I can move his stuff out of the house and make it even more mine.

Remodeling the rooms have been fun and C is a wiz at getting materials from people, stain and paint for free, it's really not costing anything - it's time and sweat. He's done SO SO much work, I just can't believe it. 

That's all I have.  I leave work in a half hour to go to counseling and my stomach's in knots.  Wish us luck.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I am going to a cousins wedding on Sunday and I just found out my sister wasn't invited.  Now, I don't know if it was an oversight or on purpose.  My mom claims it was on purpose but one can't always believe what my mom says.  I would like to give my cousin the benefit of the doubt.  She is a very family oriented person.  When she found out that much of the family wasn't invited to her brothers wedding she called them up and gave them earful and made them invite the family.

Yes, my sister is develpmentally disabled.  Yes, she isn't attractive and neither is her husband.  They are both a little weird and quirky, BUT they are family.  Her feelings were hurt but she moved recently and she thinks my cousin must have just not had her address.

I am tempted to ask my cousin.  And normally probably would.... except there has already been an issue that I caused (well, I didn't necessarily cause, but was in the middle of) for her wedding so I don't want to cause her any more greif.  But ... I don't know.... if she didn't invite my sister on purpse, I almost don't want to go to the wedding...

Life is SO hard right now.  I am greiving over something, incredibly stress over something and so very happy about something else.  All of those emotions are wreaking havoc on my body.  Pretty bad Fibro flare up and a horrible tension headache that keeps triggering a migraine.  I hate it when I have a headache cycle like this. It is VERY hard to break it. *sigh*

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


When I got back from Kar's SB game last night (Which they won 31-13!!), there sitting on the porch was tile and all the stuff that is needed to tile a bathroom!!! 

A few weeks ago C had told me that if I picked out different tile that he would do it.  The stuff that I had picked out 5 years ago (yes, it's been that long since the bathroom remodel) is a very difficult tile - each 12x12 tile is really made up of 9 3x3 tiles that are hooked together. Makes laying it down and grouting a lot harder....which is why I haven't attempted it myself.  So I picked out a plain tannish tile - the cheapest thing that the large chain store had. I told him I couldn't afford to do it for awhile though. 

So last night I come home to everything needed sitting there.  He says it needs to be done before the plywood is all ruined and needs to come up.... so he's just going to do it. 

I just gott new tires on my truck last week, because safety is important; and now a tiled bathroom - probably on Thursday.  Feeling very lucky and grateful right now. (Which I already do every time I look out at my yard!)

Monday, May 14, 2012

Lots going on

It's been almost a month since I've posted. 

A lot has been going on and I just can't blog about most of it... can't put it out on the web for people to see.  Let's just say that at the moment a little piece of me has died.

On a happy note - Kar's SB team is in the playoffs!  They play a game tonight and it they win, the championship game is Wednesday night.  Unfortunately I work at pizza and won't be able to see it. 

It really bums me out, but at the moment I need all the $ I can get... and it's my fault for procrastinationg filing bankruptcy and now I have a garnishment on my check and 42% of my next couple of checks is being taken.  Oh, it's 25% of gross... but it ends up being 42% of my next.  If I get my bankruptcy filed, I might be able to get it stopped.  I've worked on the paperwork, but it literally makes me sick while I'm working on it and with the other issue I've got going on, it is just SO hard.  But I am finally working on it. 

Going home early today with a migraine.  Kar stayed home with a migraine.  Stress is a horrible thing for the body.  I have a Fibro flare up going on too.  But enough complaining. :-)  Just trying to live life on life's terms the best that I can, one day at a time.

Monday, April 16, 2012

What a lovely weekend

Loved the weather last weekend!! I had to work Friday til 8:30 and part of the day Saturday, but I still got to enjoy it some.  Got to go to the dump again... still got a few more trips, but it's getting there.  Got more yard work done (ok, my yard man did most of the yardwork... but I did help some!).  Last night I went with a couple friends to see a Van Halen tribute band.  They were totally awesome! 

Yesterday Kal texted that she was feeling horrible and that my mom thought she should go to the ER.  I told her not the ER but Urgent Care.  She said she couldn't drive.  I told her that I was on my way to the dump but I would be happy to take her when I got back if her dad or gma hadn't or wouldn't take her before.  She said she didn't want to be a burden.  I told her she wasn't a burden, she was my daughter.  She said "ok, what time?"  I felt a little joy.  Not that she was sick, but that she wanted her mommy.  Both Jake and my mom were home and easily would have taken her right then, but she was willing to wait an hour so her mom could take her. 

She looked like death warmed over and is being treated for a sinus infection and given an inhaler.  Since she already has stomach issues, the mucus is what's causing her to puke. When I dropped her off I told her I love her, like I always do and for the first time since she moved out, she told me she loved me too.  That made my heart smile big.

Today is Kars "guy of interest" birthday.  He is coming to dinner and so is Kal.  When I told her about it yesterday, she said she wanted to come.  THAT made me happy.  In texting with her a little earlier, she said "I hate to ask but is Craig going to be there?" AAAHHH, I was so excited about her coming, I didn't even think about that.  No, I don't think he planned to come over and it's easy enough to make sure he doesn't - I just HATE that she won't even try to be around him and that I HAVE to think about it and plan around it.  It makes my heart hurt.  I want the 4 of us to do stuff together.  I am so excited to have her over for dinner though!! <3

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!!

I think I'm back.  I'm kind of scared to blog because of everything that went on at the end of last year and earlier this year.  I quit blogging because of it but all of a sudden today I really missed it.  I don't know if anyone even really read it, felt like I was talking to myself most of the time, but sometimes it's nice to just put down what I'm thinking.

I am not going to talk about K much but I can't really talk about MY life without mentioning her a little. As you know, she moved out in mid-February.  She is still gone and plans to continue to do so.  I really thought after a couple weeks she might come home, but it doesn't look like that will happen.  It seems like we go 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  She still has a lot of anger towards me and I just don't understand it. She thinks it doesn't bother me that she's gone but of course it does.  It cuts me like a knife in the heart that we are estranged like we are. 

That is all I am going to say on that subject.

Karli is playing softball and her team is doing really well!  They are a Sophmore team and playing in the HS team now so have played a couple teams that are mostly Seniors and CREAMED one of them.
She has really improved this year in all areas.  She made an impossible catch in the outfield on Monday. She is doing well in HS and she has rekindled an old romance with a boy that the whole family loves.

And then there is me. I really like working at the pizza place. It is doing something active and social.  My hours vary from 7-12 hrs (that's the most so far) but may increase.  We had talked about 16 when I was hired.  He's taking it slow for business reasons and to make sure I can handle two jobs. I LOVE Pete.  I am hating my other job.  Having quite a few resentments towards my boss right now. I need to give myself an attidute adjustment because getting a different job, at least for this year just really isn't possible.

I was amazed by the amount of my tax refund and for the first time in at least 2 years - I GOT CAUGHT UP ON MY MORTGAGE!  I paid April early and will pay May on time.  Then I'm screwed because my modification is over and my payments go back up $250 a month.  I was about to file bankruptcy and then got my check so I have put it off.  I really have to decide to do it or not so I can file for divorce.  Because even though I pretty much consider myself divorced, I guess others do not. Having that closure would be nice. 

Have any of my friends been by my house in the last week?  If so, you will have noticed an AWESOMELY AMAZING difference to my front and side yard and the back yard is just as amazing. It hasn't looked this good in several years.  My BF has spent many many hours mowing, weeding, raking, scrubbing etc... he's taken 3 trips to the dump and has collected another pile to go.  He is like the energizer bunny when he gets started and just doesn't stop until it's dark.  Even then... he's been burning a lot of what pine needles & pine branches so he's kept at it at night too. He says he wants to do it - it's nice to see a project from start to finish and feel accomplished.  <3

There is so much waste it makes me sick. There was so much sickness in my house before and I think I was kinda dead inside and just couldn't do more than I was doing.  Outside just didn't matter and so I was no help out there either.  We had to remodel the bathroom (completely gutted it) because the drywall started getting moldy because we didn't have a fan.  We redid the bathroom and bought a cool fan with a heating lamp to put in the ceiling.  Did that ever get put in?? Big fat nope.  That was Aug 2006. The fan sat outside and is ruined.  $60 going to the dump. The tile never got done either.  I will take blame for that though because I keep saying I'm going to do it and I chicken out.  We spent $60 on some little outdoor lights to line the walk to our steps since they are hard to see.  He was always going to do that "later".  Going to the dump.  So much stuff like that. *sigh*  But it is now done and over. :-)

In that area of my life I am very happy right now.  He makes me happy.  He makes me laugh.  He rarely sits still and is always tinkering with something.  That is contagious.

My eldest hates him and my youngest likes him. If only everything was right with my eldest, then all would be right with my world. But I keep truckin along, doing the best I can.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I'm still here

Not doing great.  Either is Karli, but we are coping.  I'm having difficulty doing the things I'm supposed to be doing paperwork wise. It's just SO overwhelming. I just missed 3 days of work, I feel like crap physically, emotionally and spiritually. Up and down. So hard to explain so I'm just staying away. Sometimes you have to force a smile on your face and "fake it til you make it" so that's what I'm trying to do to the best of my ability.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Sat in her partially packed up room

this morning and lost it.  I would lose it even if she were moving out on good terms but the fact that she's only talked to me twice since Monday and pieces of her childhood room are getting packed up without my help and I don't get to share in any joy in the adventure of moving out is just breaking my heart. 

Thank you Shana. It is nice that someone said words of support. Even just saying hugs helps me not feel so alone.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Moving out

I don't even know what happened.  She won't talk to me.  I really don't know what I did so wrong.  She hates me.  Disowned me. Going to live with my mom.  I've been defriended from FB but I hear she's calling our house a "hellhole".  

I know that many kids & parents go through something like this.  I really think she is acting out of emotions that she doesn't quite understand and I think it has a lot to do with the divorce.  I believe it is temporary and that we will get through this.  I keep telling her I love her. I will always love her.

BUT that does not make it hurt any less.  It doesn't mean that my heart isn't being ripped at the seams. It doesn't mean that the terribly horrible things she called me and said to me didn't cut... both me and Karli, who over heard it all and stayed home from school the next day.

Her moving out and getting away, even if it's for a little bit, is probably a good thing.  A chance for her to grow some. A chance for us both to step back and look at things. 

I love you with all my heart and soul Kallyn Mackenzie Jacobson.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


My favorite saying that I keep repeating to myself is  "It is what it is"  I don't know if I can even explain what it means to me.  Sort of like, don't have expectations.  Whatever happens, happens. It just seems to help me stay focused on here and now and not future tripping.  

I had a good weekend with my girls (despite the fact I had a horrible cold/cough and thought I was going to die) and a good night last night with a friend. ")   I start a new PT job on Thursday, a friend is coming to town for a week Thursday night and I get to celebrate Bobbie's birthday Saturday with Platinum Spandex.  Saturday to Saturday seems like a pretty good week!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Did you know...

IT's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been to "my place" yet this year. I've been dancing 2x (maybe 3) but not at the place that I feel most comfy at.  I was going so much there for awhile then the Afro's had to go and leave "(  I've heard the band that replaced them is ok, but the place is dead. I have a cold and feel like crap, but that's not gonna stop me.  That is why cold medicine was invented.

I got my schedule for my first week of training.  Are you ready for this back breaking schedule??  hold on to your panties....

Thur 5:30-7:30 pm
Fri 5:30-7:30 pm

I'm purty sure I can handle that. 

Next Saturday is Platinum Spandex at Big Daddy's and I'm even MORE excited about that than I am about tonight.

And I should be getting money from my 401k loan in a week or so.  This year I opted to take less out of my check for the FSA so that I would have more of a paycheck. $125 a check instead of $200... the loan starts being deducted in Mar and it is $56 so it won't really have an impact on me too much.  Not when my mental state will be a little better from having gotten caught up and taking care of other business... and when the mental state is better, the body is better.

That's really all I have for now. Just a tad excited for dancing.  It helped my mood SO MUCH last Friday, just thinking about how good I felt has helped whenever I've gotten sad this week. I need another hit to keep me going through next week.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Feeling a little blue today.  I'm no longer seeing a person that I've sorta been seeing the last couple weeks and was hoping to progress into a full blown relationship with.  I totally and completely understand the reasoning why. It is for the best. BUT that doesn't make it any less hard, especially when I'd kinda fallen hard & fast for him. The head can know things, but the heart can still hurt.

But I'm going to be working more anyways.  It's probably best I just focus on work and my kids and making sure my life is on track and get my house in order and forget men for awhile.  I've made some guy friends that I talk to/text with and see dancing and that's all they are - friends - and I really like that. They can do for now.  I always had guy friends growing up (girls have sooo much drama) but you don't usually have a lot of guy friends when you're married.  You don't need them - you have YOUR guy. And having guy friends makes me feel safer as a single female, there is someone watching my back that I can call if needed.

I talked to the Dr about me working more because I've had a couple people say they are concerned about my health if I do so.  She seem to think it might be a good thing.  She thought I seemed excited enough about it and it will be a good social outlet, especially since it is in my community that I love (helps depression) and it is some exercise and my main job is not stressful or taxing on the body.  She said if it seems to be too much to just work less hours (which is a possibility).  She's also not concerned about my weight, even though I've lost more, because my blood work was so excellent.  She said if I wanted to gain more weight to eat Peanut Butter because it has protein and good fats in it.  I just feel a little too anorexic and would like to gain 5 pounds.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Could things be looking up?

I turned in the paper work for the 401k loan Friday.  Now I'm stuck working where I'm at for the next 3 years or I have a balloon payment when I leave.  But I am getting enough to get almost caught up on mortgage and to file bankruptcy.

While we were all stuck in the snow I managed to apply for a job at a local, very community oriented pizza place.  They have just a carry out/delivery place now but are opening a sit down place in March that will serve wine & beer.  His staff now is pretty much all HS kids.  He is in need of some people over 21 to be able to pour the alcohol.  I stopped in to pick up pizza during the snow & filled out an app & talked to him. He called me next day to set up an interview.  I had the interview on Saturday and he offered me the job right there, which he said he doesn't usually do.  I will prob work 2 evenings from 6-10 and Sat or Sun for 8 hrs.  Hopefully by the grace of god my body will be up to it.  I am actually looking forward to it so I think that will help with the adjustment and by the time I'm bored with it, my body should be used to it... right?  I don't see people at my work...I get so lonely (that's why I'm on FB so much - to have human contact in way) and I love working with people so I am actually looking forward to working with the public and it's right in my backyard so I should know a lot of the people that come in. I will be working mostly with teenagers and I do well with them. I might start training next week.  Pete told me that in the next 3 weeks I was going to make an awful lot of pizzas.  ")  I won't be doing that at the new store, but he has everyone learn how to do everything - which I LOVE.

He is totally flexible on scheduling so I told him that I wanted Friday or Saturday night free.  I have to have some time to go DANCING!!! Hopefully I will have the energy to do it.

We had plans to go to Tulalip Thursday night, which got cancelled due to weather and the same group of people were going Friday.  I had told them I couldn't go because I wasn't going to go 2 nights in a row.  All day Friday I was trying to decide.  Tulalip just seemed SO FAR and I would be going by myself. 

I should back up and say that I've been going to meetings lately. Since a Xmas party I went to in Dec that was all AA and NA people, I've been hanging out w/the hostess A LOT (pretty much lived there during snow storm) and getting to know her friends. I'm not going to mtgs because I feel like drinking/using but because they really help with living life on life's terms. I feel like I need the emotional, mental and spiritual help right now and meetings cost $1, much cheaper than therapy.  I think pretty much everyone would benefit from going through the 12 steps. Like the mtg we went to on Thurs, the topic was basically "making mountains out of molehills" and other one was "just for today". 

Anyways, Fri I decided to go to a 7:30 meeting and see how I felt afterwards. The band started at 9:30 but people were getting there at 7:30.  In my head I think I already decided I wasn't going. I was sort of in a bad mental space. I have something else going on that I've been letting mind f#ck me (men...sigh...).  Anways, I went to meeting. Came home and climbed in to my bed (still clothed) with my laptop, at about 9 and decided I was staying home.  My mind started going off again about this "thing" and at 9:20 I climbed out of bed and changed my shirt and put on my dancing boots and out the door I went.  I have never been to Tulalip before. I walked into the bar and was trying to find my group and Andy (not w/my group, but someone I know) saw me and grabbed me to the dance floor.  Andy is the greatest thing EVER for my ego.  He's the one I was so proud of myself for dancing with  a few months ago because he's so outrageous and I went out of my comfort zone to dance with him.  Now I can't get enough dancing with him. I don't like him or anything. no no no.  He's just a great dancer and at least once he will dip me really low and then pick me way up and spin me around.  Very attention getting and very unlike me.  I wish you all could see it. Within 2 minutes of being there and dancing, my mood had gone from 0-100 and I was SO incredibly glad I had come.  So much happier.  OMG, I LOVE dancing!!!! 

Then I was "made" to play the slots afterwards.  My friends had a coupon that if you had $20, you'd get a voucher for $30 to play the slots.  Someone lent me their 20 and then we cashed in the voucher so that I could have the $10 in free money to play with. Cool, huh?  I came home with $5!.... a little after 4 am and I'd had coffee in order to make it home so I was awake until about 6.  If my body was left to keep it's own schedule, it would stay up until 2 or 3 am and get up at 8:30-9.  So, after a week of snow and mixed up schedules, it just sort of reverts that way really easilty.  I wonder if that's why I get insomnia so much too.

Well... that's all I gots for now. Typed way more than I meant to.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It doesn't help your mood

When the mail comes and there's mail for your boss from a collections agency telling them to garnish your wages.

#$^%$# I need to file bankruptcy. All week I've tried to get up the courage to ask my boss if he'd give me an advance/loan and let me take an extra $50 a check out to pay it back.  I guess this paperwork is a good conversation starter.  I'm supposed to pay mortgage this week but I can't for 2 wks cuz I have to pay car insurance.  The cable/internet has been out all week and the girls are going crazy.  I also have to pay the phone bill today or they are going to cut us off.  That is like our last life line so I can't do that.  Between insurnce and phone, that's half my check. Maybe I'm down because I just don't see any way out of this.... 

WAIT. (as I try to dry the tears off).  Today is Friday the 13th and historically that is a good luck day for me.  So perhaps the boss will give me that front AND as I type Jake is at an interview for a job that he does not want, but is supposed to be at a place that is hiring everyone and anyone at the moment.  $16/hr and they pay weekly. His daughter gave him a lecture that he better do his best and if he didn't get the job he better take a hard look at himself.  (she's the one that set it up for him)

Going to go curl up in a ball on the couch for lunch now. I was hungry but I lost my appetite. I seriously feel like I need to gain about 5 lbs.  I bought food yesterday with the intention of eating healthy AND trying to gain weight at the same time.


Again a lot of time has passed since I blogged.  I almost blogged... Monday, I think... sometime when I was all happy and had happy things to post and now I don't even remember what they were.  Been in a downer mood the last couple of days.  I have a lot of mental stuff going on in my head and trying to process it all... it often just confuses the hell out of me more and that depresses me and then I'm in a cycle.  I haven't been dancing in two weeks but I am going tonight, maybe that will help unclog things.  It is at a place I've never been before aka outside of my comfort zone. I want my Big Daddy's. (Lord that sounds bad huh?)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year

It is the new year and I have not blogged for awhile.  Doing lots of stuff but haven't had it in me to blog.

I went to dinner with a friend last Wednesday. He was visiting from out of state.  We worked together for 5 years (98-03) and actually went to HS together before that. (small world)

Thur was the last night of the disco band playing at "my place" every Thursday.  Now they are playing at a casino about 30-45 away and I will probably go about once a month.  I am STILL waiting for my place to put out the January calendar.  It is quite odd that it's not out yet, so not sure what is in store for this Thursday. KJ and I were thinking of going and checking it out.  They used to have 3 different drinks for $3 and now they are supposed to have 21 for $3.  But I could care less abou that! I wanna know about the music!

I was so excited for Friday to finally come because Mo was going to GO OUT! Martha and I went to get a table at 7 because I wanted a table in front (and there's just 2) and when we got there, there were people at 1 and a reserved sign on the other.  I told the hostess that I was hoping to get one of those and she actually moved the reserved sign to another table!!  Mo and Deb came about 8:20 and then the band people started trickling in.  I thought they were supposed to play at 9.  9 came & went.  The bassist came in at 9:15 with all his gear and STARTED TALKING TO PEOPLE AT TABLES.  Okaaay.  They must play at 9:30.  9:30 came and went.  At like 9:45 someone from the place told them they needed to start playing.  They went over and started doing sound check stuff and tuning equipment!! At 10 they started to play and had major feedback that took a few minutes to sort out.  Meanwhile Mo looks like she is ready to fall asleep and ready to bolt at the same time.  I was SO MAD!  I finally got her out and this is the impression she was getting.  Her deal was to stay for one set, which should have been over about 10.  She was a trooper and stayed until after 11.  But I know she won't be coming back out "(   

And I'm very disappointed in Deb!!  She said she would dance around the table and she refused to get out of her seat.  A song came on that everyone said "You can't dance to this song" and Deb said "I can dance to this, this is a great song to dance to" So I tried to get her up.  I was willing to dance to a song I couldn't dance to for her, but noooooo.   I danced with this very cute college kid.  He had these bright red shoes on and he had some MOOOVES.

New Years Eve was perfect.  I really have no desire to go out and be amongst all the drunk & disorderly people on NYE.  Kallyn and I went out to dinner and then watched shows on DVR and the Space Needle count down. Jake had this idea come to him and brought over 2 votive candles for each of us. He had written 2011 on one and 2012 on the other.  He wanted us to light the 2011 and then throw it out. Then in 2012 light the other one to light the way for the new year.  I came up with an even better idea.  I had a couple of the display fireworks.  We lit the candle and then used it to light the firework so that 2012 started off with a BANG!

I had  nice day on the 1st visiting with same out of town friend and someone else I went to HS with but haven't seen since then and his wife.  Went to lunch and watched the game.

Monday I didn't get out of bed until noon!!! and then when I did, I got stuff done!  Nice combo day.

Today at work it was Monday & Tuesday all rolled into one. I'm so excited that tomorrow is Wednesday already!