My mind is being a cyclone, twister, tornado... it just won't stop spinning. The spinning was more powerful than ambien Saturday night. I gave up at 3:00 am and took ambien and was still awake until almost 5. Usually the stuff drops me in 5-10 minutes.
It's all the same BS. The same stuff that I keep saying I need to do but don't do. I don't know why I don't do them. Except for the fact that it completely overwhelms me. The girls and I houses-at this weekend and I was determined yesterday to go home and go through papers. My stomach has not been kind to me the last couple weeks, and yesterday was not different, but it was like driving make it a whole lot worse and I become really nauseous on top of the IBS sort of problems. Totally miserable, I went home and crawled into bed with my heating pad on my stomach, a cat on my pillow, and promptly fell asleep from 6-8:30 pm.
This whole thing with Geoff has really thrown me for a loop. All of us. We still cannot believe it happened. But it goes to show how quickly life can be snatched for us. It happened to Jeneatha too. If something were to happen to me, my kids would be left with a huge fricken mess and a father who's really no help. I need to get my g*# d*#% ass in gear and try to fix as much as I can sooner rather than later. (I'm talking financially)
I keep things are fine like they are (now I'm talking divorce). He's not living at my house, so what more do I need? Right? That's what I keep thinking, because we can't afford to get a divorce. Wrong! Recently I have figured out that nothing is going to change, that I am just sitting in stagnant water (and this time of year there is lots of bugs in it - eww!) until there is a divorce and closure and finality. I can not move forward in my life until I have that... and maybe I've been fine where I was because I wasn't ready to move forward yet. But now I am. And it's not fair to the girls, who know we are getting divorced, but still feel like they are in limbo because we are not yet. And then there is Jake, who is not going to change either way. Well, maybe for the worse once it's final. I already think he's getting worse. And I need to cut ties so I don't get sucked back in.
Lists. I need to make lists and cross things off to feel accomplished. I need to write myself a sticky note so that I don't forget to make some lists...
I just have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I feel like that is partly why I'm nauseous, the spinning. I just want to reach up and grab all those thoughts and make them stop. Or at least grab one and hold on to it.
You only have to do one thing ... just one. Pick something small to start. Something that doesn't require multiple steps. Do that. Just that. Then it's done and tomorrow you pick something else. When the list is too long to even make, it becomes so very very overwhelming and no one can expect to do it all! So just stop and pick one small thing, Demery.
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts. I soooooo enjoyed getting to spend time with you again. Next time, I think you guys are gonna have to come here, but we'll look at prices of condos in April or so ... you guys would love the beach around that time. Water's a little cold, but the sun still shines!