Spiritual Experience

Before I left the house this morning I decided that I was going to go to the Mukilteo waterfront at lunch.  There is a bag that has been sitting on the kitchen floor since the van got totalled (6/24/10) and I knew it had a journal that I started in it so I rummaged through the bag to look for it. (GREAT news - EVERYTHING in that damn bag is getting tossed when I get home!) I found the journal and was sad to see that I had only made 3 entries. I thought there were more. 5/27/09 was the 1st one - upset about Jake, feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  I could hardly look at him or talk to him. 3rd one was 1/13/10 (8 mos later) saying nothing was different and that I wished I had the strength to kick him out.  It took 18 months after that 1st entry before I actually did it.  EIGHTEEN MONTHS.  And I know I was miserable way before that. I know it, but just seeing it in writing sort of stunned me.

Below is what I wrote today.  I thought about keeping it to myself but I keep ranting, so I thought I should rave for once. I went to the Mukilteo waterfront and instantly the smell of salt and seaweed hit me and relaxed me.  I stepped into the sand and sat down, running my fingers through the warm sand and rocks. I felt my soul relax a little. The gentle waves lapping at the shore eased my mind. All bodies of water do something to relax me. I don't know if it's because I'm an Aquarius or just what. I soaked it all in a bit and then just started writing.  I didn't really think, I just wrote.

8/11/11
I just found this. So weird. 1st enry over 2 yrs ago.  It took 18 months more before I finally asked him to leave.  Now it has been almost 9 months and the only that has changed is that he's not living at home.  Geoff's death has done something to wake my ass up and realize that I'm wasting time that I should be living. Life. Is. Too. Short.

I keep saying we can't get a divorce because we can't afford it - but really we need to file bankruptcy 1st.  That way we wipe out the debts and have a clearer picture of what we split and what I will need to live on.

But I need to move forward.  I need to live. I want to clean the house out of his stuff and claim the bedroom wholly as MINE.

I want to feel ALIVE.  Right this moment I do.  When I think of the prospect of gettting all of that stuff done and behind me, I get EXCITED. I was scared before. Scared of "what comes next".  But right now I feel excited.

(and the next part is really weird, it is a prayer and I have never prayed to a "spiritual guide" before.  It just came out of me and while I wrote it, I started tingling all over and feeling like I was having the most amazing spiritual experience I think I have ever had, and I had quite a few in the first few years of AA)

Spiritual Guide, please let me stay this way.  Guide me forward and keep me going in the right direction.  Keep my mood positive and my outlook sunny.  Each day brings new opportunities.

And then my alarm went off and I had to go back to work.