Happy Birthday Kallyn!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful, strong, courageous, beautiful 19 year old. Where did the time go? I was trying to think of what to get her for her birthday. I had bought her some Ugg type boots last year that were a size too small & when I took them back to exchange them they didn't have anymore. Yesterday I asked her if she still wanted those boots as I was at that same store and they had them. She said "Yes, that would be nice, but she didn't need any presents, love was enough for right now." So I bought her boots, which was really a present I bought her last year that she didn't end up getting. It almost feels like I am regifting. We are going to dinner tonight. Me, Kar, the BF, Jake, my MIL and my MIL's sister that is visiting from out of town. Then Karli, Kallyn, the BF and I are going to Bellevue to the Botanical Gardens to see Christmas Lights. It is something I always wanted to do but have never done. I showed them last night just as something we should do this December and Kallyn got all excited and wanted to do it for her Bdya. I was thinking of taking them to the Pink Floyd Laser Show but she chose Christmas Lights.

Emotions are still running wild. I can wake up smiling, start crying on the way to work, smile when I get to work, start crying at lunch time and it goes on like that all day. I can be SO tired when I get off work that I think I will have no trouble falling asleep, but then I will be awake until 1:00. Karli has slept in my bed the last 3 nights. It IS on purpose. Now when it is time to sleep, she comes to my bed. I think she is afraid of laying in her own bed alone and thinking about things. It is all still new and we just need time to work it through our brains.

I am having trouble saying the word DIVORCE out loud. I don't feel the need to run around telling people, it is still new. I have told the people closest to me that matter the most. I hadn't told my mom yet... I don't know why. I had thought I should do it in person and I just haven't gone over there yet. Kallyn didn't know that and my mom called Kallyn yesterday and they were talking about Christmas and Kallyn said something about how it would be weird this year and so now my mom knows. It really upset me that Kallyn told her instead of me and I thought I should call her and talk to her about it but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really don't know why. I called Jake's mom the day after I told Jake. But she has been apart and aware of the problem all along and I have not told my mom much because she has never really approved of Jake and I guess I didn't want opinion or dispproval. Kallyn said she sounded concerned... and concerned about Jake and told Kallyn that maybe we would work it out because she knew that I never wanted to get divorced. THAT surprises me. I guess I thought she'd be more like "good riddance". I guess I have something to talk about with Stan (my therapist).