No, I haven't blogged. I haven't read blogs. I just felt the need to stay away for awhile. I thought that I would be blogging every step of the way but so far things have just felt too personal to really put out there. I am not having an easy time. I do not want to get divorced. I want everything to be like it was about 10 years ago. I want my husband. My best friend. My companion that I was going to grow old with. But that's not going to happen. I can't seem to stop crying for the last 2 weeks. We have spent a lot of time together the last week and that is very very very hard.
I can't imagine ever finding someone else. Ever trusting someone. Letting the walls down. There are so many creeps out there. Then to make matters worse. To screw with my head and heart and emotions. I saw my first love on Tuesday. I haven't seen him in almost 20 years. I gave him my cell phone # in October and he texted me out of the blue Tuesday. I was O V E R J O Y E D. I met him for a quick lunch, but we couldn't eat. All we could do was stare at each other. The chemistry was still there. Or was it? Was it just because I would like to be 17 and carefree again? I don't know. I told him I was getting divorced and he told me he was getting married... on SUNDAY!! I truly don't think I could ever be with him for the long run, but I would sure like to be with him for awhile. When we went to leave, we hugged. Long. tight. We fit so perfectly together. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. And replaying our 2 1/2 years together. And the hug. THEN a light bulb went off in my head yesterday and I realized that the girl Kirsten that he is marrying... a girl from his past... is really this girl "Kirty" that he had gone out with before me. She called him all the time while we were going out. He said he didn't like her but I was always insanely jealous of her. She slept around, she was slutty. She threatened to kill herself over him. (messed with his head). When I found that SHE is who he is marrying, it flipped me out. Am I in highschool again?? So stupid. He says she is not the little girl that she was then and he feels horrible at how he treated her back then. She has loved him all of her life and now she has her dream come true. Now I find myself crying even more. I feel like I have lost 2 loves.
My heart is totally broken. Shattered. I feel like my soul is slowly leaking out. Don't ask me to explain. Travis had broken my heart and I had built up walls to protect myself. I would go out with guys and break up with them before they could get too close or could hurt me. I had friends telling me not to run from Jake. I didn't even realize that they saw what I did. It actually took me a long time to completely trust Jake. For him to break down the walls. (by the time he was in my life I had also had 3 dads... not a lot of stability of men in my life) Now because of him they are built back up. I BEGGED him for the last 3 1/2 years to not do that to me. Many many times. Do not make me build the walls. To not make me shut off my feelings and emotions. To not make me shut him out. For him to not shut me out. God I begged him to talk to me and not shut me out. But he did. He changed. I hardly know who he is.
There, that's how I'm doing. I didn't mean to say all that. It just sort of poured out. I can't let me kids see me being messed up so I contain my crying to bedtime, the shower, the car and while my boss is at lunch (like now).
Speaking of kids. Kallyn is at day 4 of her tonsils being out and she said she is in worse pain & swelling today than yesterday. I am at work instead of with her and she is mad, even though that was the plan all along. Her boyfriend has hardly left her side. He's been spoon feeding her jello. ")
Karli is off snowmobiling in Leavenworth with a friend until tomorrow.
Jake had a job interview for a Tulalip Pharmacy yesterday. He thinks it went really well. Cross your fingers.
We are having game night at our house on New Years Eve since Kallyn can't go anywhere and that means I have to stay home. Karli is inviting a couple of friends over. If anyone else wants to come over... COME ON OVER.... we always have a ton of snacky food and play games until midnight.
Come get me any time!!!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
Love you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were closer, then I would stop by.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the man-trouble. Few thing hurt as bad. Hugs to you.
Blessings and Happiness for 2011
Painful as it sounds, you would do well to take off time from meeting Mr. Right or finding some guy in your life for a year or so until you have achieved some sort of perspective. Hang out with the gals, or try some guys as friends with no romantic agenda - guys you are not interested in, in that way. While you are not whole, you will only meet people who fit the broken places and that is NOT a good recipe for doing anything but repeating the past. Life is long, and there will be time for a partner later. You will get a better perspective one what you want, not just 'a guy'.
ReplyDeleteWell written Demery. Tons of truth in your words. I have seen you gain much strength in the past year. Be proud of yourself. You are one terrific lady. I can't fill the holes in your heart but I can help fill your time when you need someone around. NEVER hesitate to reach out. Many of us are here for you. Love you. Deb
ReplyDeleteI just talked to my aunt; she's 18 mos younger than me and going through a separation after 16 yrs of being together (they never married). She said when they broke up she put a 6 month moritorium on dating on herself. She has 1 more month to go and she's thinking of extending it.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the "moratorium" was a good idea. Especially since I actually cannot see dating anyone....getting close to anyone or letting them "in (unless I date someone and tell him upfront he's the "rebound guy" so I can get that out of my system LOL) But at the same time I seem to have a need to have a guy in my life. To have a strong shoulder to lean on. I do have a guy friend that I have recently reconnected with. He was a really good friend from age 14-18 and then we lost touch. We reconnected on FB and met on 11/6. We've been texting frequently since. There is NO chemistry there. He is recently divorced himself so knows what its all about & he's "safe". We haven't seen each other in person again because he lives 45 min away and he works graveyard so schedules don't exactly mesh but we've talked about hanging out.
It's a really small world, but he actually dated Kirty before Travis did. She cheated on him w/Travis. Jr High stuff. How does all this stuff come back around??
Thanks for your comment David. It is always nice to see someone else reading my blog. ")