Tuesday

I was feeling a bit better mostly thanks to my muscle relaxer.  I took that before I went to UC.  It is something I can take 3x a day and was at one point but I weaned down to just taking one at bedtime.  It occurred to me that it might help with the pain some and it has been a miracle helper as far as not making me scream when I pee, I am just keeping a heated bean bag on my abdomen a lot of of the time for crampy pain.  Today I woke up in more crampy abdominal & back pain than I've been having. 

I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by bills and shut off notices this morning.  When I talked to the bankruptcy attorney on Sept 7, he said "do not pay another bill from this point on" HOW DO YOU DO THAT?  HOW. DO. YOU. DO. THAT?  People shut you off if don't pay them.  YesterdayI promised Verizon $240 on Friday.  Right now I am trying to figure out how to divvy up $ to comcast, PUD & Water - those are the other 3 disconnection notices I am looking at. Everytime I think that I might have enough money together to file the damn bankruptcy then I am faced with bills or mortgage.  I still have to finish filling out the bankruptcy paperwork because everytime I work on it a little, it makes me physically sick.

I need a part-time job.  My sister just told me that since the end of August she has been working part-time from home. The job lets her work evenings and weekends so she can spend the days with my adorable nephew (CUTEST little boy in the world!!).  I am going over tomorrow to give her a tutuorial in Quickbooks. It is a job that I know how to do!  I want a 2nd job like this!!!!   I have seen a couple of weekend jobs where you have to work liek 9-5 Sat & Sun and I just don't think I can do that with my job.  I need to have SOME weekend. I wouldn't mind working like 2 evenings a week and one weekend day out of the house or doing something from home.  If I can work on a computer and still get up and putter and/or watch TV, then you don't feel so much like you are working. But I need to do SOMETHING else.  I don't make enough money and my wage is not that bad when I look around.   What I really need to do is take a powerpoint class. That is one computer program I don't know and when I look at job listings, companies looking for people like me want people to know powerpoint. I have no idea how to create graphs & charts.  I had to help Kar do one in excel for Health and we didn't do a very good job. But you know what?  You need money to take classes.

I need to go find some inspirational quotes because I am in a "life sucks" mode today and I don't want to be.  So I am going to find a lovely quote and put in on FB so I look like I am feeling grateful today and then I am going to plaster a smile on my face until those endorphins kick in and my brain recognizes it and I really become happy.  "Fake it til you make it".

Bladder infection

Yes, I have one.  It's like the 4th one in my life and that makes it 5 too many. I don't know how people who get them all the time deal.  I can hardly.  By the time I got to Urg Care, I could hardly walk upright. I was wimpering because I'd drank water on the way there so they could take a urine sample.  Forcing liquid into a bladder that is already burning and has pressure that feels like you've been holding it for days and are going to explode if you don't go soon, EVEN though you just sat down and dribbled out a disappointingly little amount 5 minutes ago, AND knowing that when you do sit down again to pee out what is once again bound to be a disappointingly little amount, that you will be in the doctor's office so you will have to bite your tongue so you don't scream from the buringing pain that comes with it, isn't easy but I did it.  I thought I drank enough water to ace the urine exam, but I barely eeked out enough.  I wasn't just told I had an UTI, I was told my urine was filled with bacteria.  They were sending it off for further testing. 

Last night was an insomnia night so it was 5am that I went to sleep this morning and woke up because of a text at 9:30.  I spent quite awhile this morning texting people because of FB drama. yay.  I am completely worn from the pain (you'd think I would be a pro at it by now) and think I might be going to sleep soon, it's not even 7 yet.

I've had 4 days off and I want just 1 more.  It's never enough is it?  But I don't feel good.  *sniff* 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm spending the day with the girls, Jake and Normi. I plan to go see my siblings this evening.  That is, after my girls get home. 

That's right, neither of them spent the night at home last night.  I was a roller-coaster of emotions yesterday (If I hadn't had my uterus yanked, I would have sworn it was PMS).  It started with hearing the radio station on the way to work all go around and say what they were most thankful for.  It just gave me a flashback to Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and Geoff.  He is always the one to tell us to go around and say what we were most thankful for.  He always had to go last and we were all ready to groan, because he liked to go on and on.  I'm also still right where I was last year this time.  We said we would be a "family" for the Holiday's but this year would be different and here I am spending it with my "husband" (I don't like to call him husband, but I can't call him ex yet.  Soon-to-be-ex is too long. )  Yes, it is nice to be amicable, but we need to do stuff independently so the girls will get that it is over.  I'd honestly rather just go to my brother's house but my MIL would be crushed and girls would be crushed.  Christmas is already planned for the same thing so ONE more Holiday season.

The work day was painfully long.  I was really restless.  I came home to an empty house and felt incredibly lonely.  So I found a couple friends and went dancing. Not at my usual place, it was a place near Martha's (I'm so glad Martha came!) it is sort of cozy Irish Pub but the couple times I've been there, the crowd is more 20-30's. I am definately more comfy in my usual place.  The band was pretty good though, there was a male and female singer and their voices were pretty amazing.

It has been a year of ups and downs but I am most thankful for my friends, for I know that I never could have made it this far without them.  I know that everyone says they are thankful for their family and friends and that almost sounds too cliche-ish  and standard to me,  but a lot of my friends are like family to me and I truly truly mean it when I say that I am most thankful for them.

OMG

I signed up for this Astrology Daily Forecast thing that comes to my phone every day.  I would say that I am maybe 30% believe it 70% don't.  maybe.  It is one that asks for your time and day of birth, not just by your month and goes by the moons and planets crossing and stuff. ANYWAYS... you know how I JUST blogged about feeling like some sort of idea is just r i g h t there?

Then I a little bit later my phone dings and reads:

"It's suddenly come to you - the perfect way to make money, live forever and find your soul mate.  Great. Now just take one second to realize that all of this while quite a pleasant fantasy, may also take some monumental effort on your part to bring about."

Ok, so it's not all roses... but the very first thing It's suddenly come to you - the perfect way to make money - is that not too weird after what I just said?  It made me gasp out loud.  And it gives dates Nov 16- Dec 9

It breaks it up into 4 categories and under Energy it's been saying for the last several days "You're going through an intense personal growth spurt.  You'll notice it more more you're asked to do something you'd never tried to do before--- and you pull it off with flying colors".  That one excites me a little. ")   The dates are 11/21-11/25

Under Career from now until Jan 21 it reads:  This is the moment you've been waiting for.  You're about to receive the mantle of authority you so richly deserve. Forget about the circumstanes.  Consider the honor.

I WANT TO BELIEVE THIS STUFF!! 

OOOOHHH, I forgot to say something yesterday!

November 22, 2010 was the day that I told my husband that I loved him and always would in a special way but that I could no longer live with him or be married to him and that he needed to move out ASAP.

1 year ago and divorce papers have not been filed solely because bankruptcy papers have not been filed soley because I cannot afford to file for bankruptcy. (how F*cked up is that?)  If I let them turn off my cable and cell phones and power right now like they are all threatening to do then next payday I will have enough, but I am having trouble letting them do that.  I thought I had a little more money than that and all of a sudden it seems gone again.  Where the F does it go so fast? (and don't say going out, because I spend $20 at the most a week going out....I don't drink. Thurs nights costs me $5... for my sanity). 

I keep trying to think of what I want to do with my life.  The direction I want to go.  A way to make more money.  It is driving me crazy because I have no idea, but I literally feel like it is on the tip of my brain. Just riiiight there and out of reach.  Like any minute the string will be pulled and the light bulb will go off on this brilliant idea.  Until then I am in the dark. grrrrrr

Today is Friday at work.... I love 2 Fridays in one week!!!

I love my friends!

I have wonderful friends!!!  And I am having a much better day today because of all the love and support I get from you. 

I HAVE to remind myself of the Serenity Prayer more often. Much more often

God,
Grant me the Serentity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

I have never dealt with conflict well.  I am just more likely to let someone bowl me over than to stand up to it. Especially when they are close to me.  Or else I scream and yell and lose rationality. (yes, me - i know some of you can't picture that easily).  It is easy being told things you should do and KNOWING that you should do them and than it is actually DOING them. (i.e., tough love, putting up boundaries...) Barb, she laughed at being told about boundaries and told me that was ridiculous.

I am positively, absolutely NOT giving up my Thursday night dancing, just so you all can take a deep breath.  They are not completely happy with that, but can sort of understand. (actually, Kar talked to her boyfriend and he gave her some perspective and she says she can see both of our sides, she feels caught in the middle).  But the girls want to limit it to 1 night a week only of mom leaving the house and while I don't plan to go out every night, by any means, I don't want to limit myself.  Like last week I went with a friend to a friend of hers birthday party on a Wed. as a favor (long story), but they didn't like me "going out" two nights in a row.  If I was a drinker and actually "partying" everytime I left the house, I could maybe see how they'd be upset - but everytime I leave the house, I am not "partying".  HELLO - does anyone know me?

Ooops... sorry... this was supposed to be an "I am HAPPY TODAY....damn it" post. 

Did you know the Thock party is 11 days away?  Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  There are always a couple of certain items that are very popular and I have never ever tried to get one before, but ya know... this year I might just try ; )   *giggle*

Trying to balance

I am doing the best I can.  I am trying to balance work, being a mom and being a woman.

I spent the first 20 yrs of my life mostly unhappy & turned to drugs & alcohol.  I spent the next 20 yrs married & raising kids, a lot of that happy but the last 7 yrs not happily married.  Sort of dying inside. Living life for my children, who I love more than life itself.  But they are growing up.  They have lives.  Early this year I spent so much time in bed being depressed and alone, while they were out having fun.

Then my step dad died.  That was like a huge jolt.  LIFE IS SHORT.  We need to LIVE LIFE NOW WHILE WE CAN!!  NOW I have a new chapter to start writing.  Discovering who Demery is.  I felt like I couldn't change or grow for years.  That I was stuck being who I was for so long.  Now I feel like I have the chance to break out of that comfort zone.  To meet new people, to have fun, to break out of being the shy person that I have hated for so long.  I am not just a mom, I am a woman too.  Doing dancing on Thursdays literally has made me feel like I am alive again.  I wake up Thursdays with a smile on my face and the greatest mood in the world.  If there is a band I like on Saturdays, I go then too. It is keeping me sane.

My children are upset.  They think I am abandoning them.  I am selfish and irresponsible.  That I am making them ill with stress.  They don't like me leaving at 8:30 at night but to me, it is after we have had dinner together.  We often watch a show together.  I will help with homework if needed.  WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER.  Usually at the time I leave, everyone is in their own rooms.  What does it matter if I am sitting in my own room being lonely, or if I leave to go have fun and reenergize myself?  What if I am hanging by a thread and leaving for awhile is the only thing holding me together?  I have tried sssssssoooooooo hard to explain this to them.  Do you know how much better my body has felt since I started dancing??

Last night it was like world war III in our house between my eldest and me while the younger sat there crying her heart out and rocking back and forth, refusing to talk. She needs to talk and she won't.  When she finally said something, she said she was conflicted because she sees both sides, but she wouldn't expand. 

They both were gone all day yesterday, doing something they enjoyed.  I sat at home all day, by myself.  Alone.  At around 3, I got invited to go somewhere at 8:30. I was very happy and looking very much forward to it.  The arguing started at 8.  I had to cancel my plans.  We were done about 9:00 and I got to go back to my room.  Alone.  Why can they do what they want, and have fun but mom is not allowed to?  I went back to my eldest and asked her that and she wanted to know why I was trying to make her feel guilty.  I said that I wasn't, I just wanted to know what her thinking was.  She didn't really have an answer.

I have a friend they are very close that offered to talk to them and explain what she went through when she got divorced.  She needed to go out a little and discover herself.  They lover her to death.  The eldest is refusing to have anything to do with talking to her about this. 

I just don't know what to do.  If I keep going out, it hurts them.  If I stay home, I will be resentful, and dead inside.  I feel dead today. Well, dead but about ready to explode with tears.

Saturday

I went to go vacuum and thought to myself that I really need to do something with Sammy's cage. Try to sell it maybe? Then I bent down on the floor to pick up the opened and the unopened 5 lb bags of bird food (they were BOGO, great deal, but who knew I wouldn't need it... ) to move them out of the way. And I. LOST. IT.  (still crying too hard to see the keyboard) Seeing that cage everytime I walk out of my bedroom kills me but I cannot handle the thought of moving the cage off the shelf it's on. I just can't.  My bed does not seem right without Lucky on it.  I am so used to checking on him and wiping his crusted nose several times a day.  It's too much unwelcome change too fast.  I am going to play poker tonight with girlfriends and I am sooo not in the mood.  I am hoping once I get there I will be fine, it's the getting ready to get there.  I was going to do housework all day today and I've had trouble getting motivated at all. I finally started doing something and now I want to crawl under the covers.

Thursday

Catch up - what a roller coaster week!

Kallyn's two favorite football teams are the Ravens & Seahawks and they played here Sunday.  An aunt bought us 4 tickets to the game in most excellent seats and said they were birthday presents for all of us for the next year.  The girls had never been to the stadium and us 3 girls had never been to a pro football game.  It was quite exciting and we had lots of fun.

Not so fun was that I woke up Sunday morning to find our pet bird dead at the bottom of her cage.  I have had many nightmares that happened exactly like what happened Sunday. Her cage is right outside my bedroom so I say "good morning" to her every morning. She was almost 16 and their life span is 12-16 yrs.  I just had this feeling at the start of the year that she wasn't going to make it through the year. I didn't want to ruin the girls big day so we didn't tell them until Monday.

Tuesday I went with Kallyn to an advising appt at Lake WA Institute of Technology to talk about the Physical Therapy Asst program and we left there with her enrolled in college!!!!  SO EXCITING.  I am SO proud of her!!!  She starts January 3rd.

Wednesday we had a family dinner (with Jake) to talk about putting Lucky to sleep.  He is our 18 y/o cat and he is so so sick. He has lost so much weight he is just skin and bones now.  He has been up and down sick but he's been sick for awhile now and he's having trouble breathing. I can't afford to take him to the vet to have a bunch of tests done and I just know it will show something like Cheroo that will need $$$$ of work done. He is suffering and it breaks my heart so we agreed that he needs to be put to sleep.  Soooooo hard.  He came with our house.  We've had him for 15 yrs and he has slept on my bed that whole time.  How will I sleep at night with out Lucky on my bed?  For the last several years he really has not left my bedroom.  He is content to just be in there.  You dangle a string in front of him and he will still attempt to go after it. He is the most loving. He loves to give kisses, he practically makes out with you.  5:00 pm today.  I didn't think he would last the year either but I didn't expect to lose both animals in the same week.

Kallyn woke me up at 5:30 this morning with her left lymph node in her neck swollen.  She was almost screaming in pain.  She said her tongue felt a little numb, her ear hurt, she could hardly open her jaw.  I had her take sudafed and a hydro and we put a heat pack on it.  I laid in bed with her for awhile and rubbed her back.  Why does this shit have to happen to her constantly?

Karli has had to make some food at home for a foods and nutrition class.  Last night she made buttermilk biscuits.  I had to go to store just to buy buttermilk.  My mom had a recipe in a cookbook that she wrote but something didn't seem right so we called her, spent 20 minutes discussing it.  Finally made the biscuits and they come out and I took one look at the flat biscuits and my heart dropped into my stomach.  I pulled my baking power out of the cupboard - it expired in 2009 :'(   After all we went through, I ruined them.  I didn't even think to look at that or the fact that I hadn't used it forever.   Fortunately she doesn't get graded on final product, just the fact that she DID it. But she was quite bummed.  Tonight she is making tacos and instead of using prepackaged Taco seasoning she has to season it herself so I need to try to find a recipe... or just make one up.

That's my life. Ups and downs, but I guess that is what life is all about.

No worries!!

No worries!  I am having fun and being safe. I am never there alone (and the head security guy totally knows and likes me).  This guy is a regular and is harmless.  I told him to back up at one point and he did quickly.  But see, he dances so cool with girls and I always watch and there is this mixture of "don't make eye contact so he doesn't come over here" and "oh my god, wouldn't it be fun if I was brave enough to dance like that" and last night I was brave enough!  I am so tired of hiding like a turtle in my shell.  I have always hated being so shy and introverted and I am trying hard to be more like what I would really like to be like.  So when he headed toward my friend and me, gesturing towards the dance floor, I said "what the hell" to myself and got up to dance with him.

The reason why I keep going to Big Daddy's is because I feel safe there.  There is a range of ages but I would say the average would be 40's.  I have been to clubs in Seattle and Bellevue and totally feel out of my league, era, comfort zone etc... but this place is very comfortable feeling.  The security guy says he has worked hard to make it that way and to not make it a Bellevue type of place.  It is a restaurant for all ages during the day, they even have some arcade games and at 9 they turn into a 21+ over bar.  They do wine tours and they are doing something right now with wineries and scholarships. They have pool tables, I used to play pool in my gramma's basement growing up but I haven't played in 20 yrs.  Relearning to play is on my list of things to do. ") 

Oh last night there was a couple in there 70's (at least)!  They were SO cute!!! Bob and Lola.  We were thinking they were either newly together or had been married for 50 yrs (I'm betting on the 50).  They just floated around the dance floor (on the mellower songs).  A song would end and I would find myself clapping...not for the song, but for them and their dancing. 

Dancing

Oooooh, I had fun last night!  I went dancing with a friend like I often do on Thursday nights.  (Thursday is 70's music - Disco - LOVE IT) I was worried because one of the guys who goes often... a guy who is one of those "safe" guys that you know you can just dance with and all he wants to do is dance, not hit on you or anything, is out of town.  But there are so many girls just out there dancing by themselves, it doesn't matter a whole lot - we just figured we could do that. It's such a casual place. 

There is another guy that my friend went to high school with that is always there.  He just kind of flits from girl to girl and dances by himself or goes up to the girls dancing by themselves.  He's another harmless guy.  Last night he decided he was going to make everyone jealous and dance with both of us.  My friend and I just happen to be wearing matching T-shirts so he was joking that we were twins and he was living a dream.  It was SO funny. 

There is another guy that comes that is hard to describe - you have to see him.  He seems flamboyantly gay - just with his hand gestures and movements but he is all over the girls. He is just OUT THERE. You want to keep watching him but you don't want to make eye contact because you don't want him to decide to come make you dance with him.  We've wondered before if he was really that way or if it was just an act.  I had a feeling it was an act and we were talking to one of the security guys during a break and it is an act.  Well.... last night I went out of my comfort zone a bit and I danced with him!  And it was cool. It turns out that while he hands his hands all over the girl, what he's really doing is telling you to like keep your upper body still or move your hips... quit thinking and feel the music from the heart... it was like he was a dance instructor telling me what to do.  It was quite cool. He also kept telling me I was sexy.  I was thinking it was all just part of his act, that if he is actually an instructor he tells all the ladies to help boost their ego. 

I am supposed to exercise to help my Fibro but most exercise ends up causing flare ups.  I thinking dancing releases such happy endorphins that it doesn't hurt me.  It also releases stress, because I do try to quit thinking and just feel the music and forget my problems for 4 hours.  

I have some stressful financial stuff to deal with this weekend but I am going back on Saturday with my aunt to introduce her to the place I go to (she lives in Bham and is visiting for the weekend).  The band that is playing does 80's music like Duran Duran, the GoGo's, Madonna, Billy Idol, etc.  I love that music and can't wait to go back!

Now... back to work. Boss has been gone all week and he's here today.

Blaahg

I've found myself in a no blogging mood again.  I pull up the blog screen and stare at it and exit out. 

The Dr said got out her little card that shows your weight & height and pronounced my weight "ideal" but that I shouldn't really lose anymore.  She told me to drink some protein/calorie shake things to make sure I'm getting nutrition. I hate those things.  It's funny, my step-son was here for a week and I went to my MIL's 3 nights in a row for dinner and I gained 3 lbs. The Dr took blood and if nothing turns out bad then you get results in the mail in up two weeks. It's been almost that long and I haven't seen anything so I might have to call.  I have been SO exhausted still.  On the way to work today the thought occurred to me that I am solar powered.  During the summer when the sun and blue sky are out, I have tons of energy and feel so good and then when it gets cold and gray, I feel like a slug and have no energy.  Or does that make me a bear?  Do I need to just hibernate for the winter?  Whatever, I don't like it.  I had to scrape ice off my car windows this morning.  The cold is starting already. 

Karli had Homecoming Saturday and just looked SO beautiful.  She had a day of pampering.  Her big sister traded her work day so that she could spend the day with her little sister getting her ready for the big night.

If I could just solve my money problems, (at least get a handle on them) I think I would be a little more happier.  Feeling pretty depressed at the moment because of them and just not sure of the timing of when to do stuff.  I am blessed with everything else I have in my life but I am going to have to do some pretty tough things very shortly and it's going to make the girls really upset.  We WILL get through it, I just really hate to disappoint, stress them out and upset them.