Friday

Creative Title I know.

Ok, I've got to have at least one positive thing to say. (I felt much more positive yesterday)
Today is one week that Scooter came walking in the door!! 
Every single day we all say what a miracle it is and thank God that he is back in our lives.
It seems like he was gone longer than he was.  I still just can. not. believe that he survived in a car for 3 weeks.  I wonder if he licked the windows for liquid? If there was some food waste for him to eat?  What was going through his mind?  It just breaks my heart.  He has done fine at staying in the house but now the last 2 days he wants outside really bad.  The other cats go out and he's always gone out.  He hasn't been outside for a month.  Actually, Jake let him out with him the other day when he had a cigarette.  Us 3 girls went crazy on him and yelled at him.... and you know what?  About 1/2 hour later he did it again!!!  He is SO damn frustrating!  (Karli and I stayed home sick Tuesday and Kallyn got off work at noon so he came over and cooked french toast for lunch - in case ya'll are wondering what he was doing over)

Last night I took Karli and a friend of hers went to see a movie at Cascadia called To Save a Life.  It was about teen suicide and it was very good.  It was kind of Christian based.  It was a church group at Cascadia that put it on, but it was still good.  Karli is grounded but I let her and her friend go because of the topic and because I was going to be with them the whole time. 

Wednesday when I came home from work I found a tag on the door from PSE saying they had disconnected us due to lack of payment but when I went inside, there were lights and TV's going.  Hmmm.... But when I came home Thursday the house was FREEZING cold. That's when it hit me.  PUD is the power and lights etc... PSE is the gas that runs our gas fireplace that heats our house!  We each have little heaters for our bedrooms since the fireplace doesn't always reach to them & if the girls close their bedroom doors, it doesn't allow the heat in.  So at least we aren't completely with out heat.  When we replaced the water heater we got electric so we have hot water. Could be worse. This weekend I am going to quit talking about dragging the Mobility Scooter out of the POD and putting it on Craigslist and actually DO IT.  It should sell for $500 but I will take $400.  It cost $800 in 2007 and its hardly been used at all.  Hopefully it sells quickly.  I need $300 to turn the heat on and out of the paycheck that I got today... $175 is left for the next 2 wks...and I have some other bills I have to try to make some small payments on. Every day I come home to messages on the VM of people wanting money.

I keep thinking I need to get a 2nd job. Something on the weekend.  But when I think of it, I just about break down in tears.  I honestly don't think I could handle it.  I often spend most of the weekend in bed.  My body insists.  I do paperwork, computer stuff, read - I am not sleeping, but my body just wants to be in the prone position with heat on it.  It is how I get through the week.  But then I think of how stressed I am (my stomach is in total knots today) and think, "How can I NOT do what I need to do to get us back on track?"  I see no light at the end of the tunnel financially.  If I can't afford to pay a $1200 mortgage, I can't afford to go rent a 3 bedroom apartment somewhere. That is what they cost, if not more.

Then the whole Japan disaster has got my mind just tweaked.  It is SO awful and heartbreaking. I watched the news until 1 A.M. and then watched for about 30 min this A.M.  I watched a tsunami LIVE as it hit last night.  Not something I want to watch again. Haiti, New Zealand, Japan.  It just feels like the big, devastating one is close to hitting here.  I've never had the emergency 3 day back pack like we've been told to have but now I am feeling quite compelled to create one.  Makes my stomach more in knots.

I have almost vomited this morning from the stress.  I am so nauseous. I have taken a couple of my stomach pills to try to prevent it.  I keep praying to God and to Mo's daddy John.  Call me weird.  I sort of have a problem with God so I feel more comfortable talking to John.  I usually hold one of the pennies that I am sure he left me. I prayed to him with all my heart and tears streaming down my face about Scooter.  It is a complete and utter MIRACLE that Scooter survived.  Someone had to be watching out for him.  In AA you are to believe in a "Higher Power", what ever you want to call it so I have often chosen other "things/beings" than "God".  Since I have had so many signs from John, he is it, at least for now. 

I feel like I am totally rambling now so I am going to stop.