so filled with hopeless that you just feel like it's going to completely wash over you and pull you out into the ocean forever?
That's all I got in me right now.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Hump day
Well, it took two days, but I finally convinced Mo that she COULD. NOT. take Cheroo by herself. That she DID. NOT. NEED. TO. I loved Cheroo so much. I was as bonded to him as much as with my own kitties. He was the biggest love. You could pick him up and put him in your lap and he'd just lay there. He was a part of Mo's house. I know that she is mourning him greatly and the time of the year sucks. And I think when he got up to heaven, he found Dilbert and told him that he didn't like Fifi either! Mo, It was an honor to be there with you two in that heartbreaking, private time. I love you sister of my heart.
I got in my car to go to lunch yesterday, I had to go to the bank and I went to the auto store to buy Transmission fluid, then I was trying to decide what to do next and the owners manual said the car needed to be pretty warm before you checked the fluid. I got in my car with no idea really of where to drive to, and before I knew it I was at Mukilteo Beach. I went and sat on a log and cried my heart out. Prayed for Cheroo. Cried for my step-dad. This Christmas is really hard. I just can't get into the Christmas spirit. It isn't the same without him. I'm mad at my mom for a couple reasons and she's so upset and missing him, she said she's not doing anything for Christmas. I have no money and my kids won't tell me anything they want so that makes it even harder to buy for them. I don't want to spend what little money I have to buy them something just to be buying them something - I want to get them something they WANT. It just makes me so depressed. I cried for all that too. Then looking out over the calm water and burying my hands in the sand, calmed me down. It was too dang cold to put my feet in sand, but for some reason pouring the sand through my hands helped a little. It's like I need to connect with the earth. Isn't that weird? I know. I am weird.
THEN, Ok. I needed the transmission fluid checked in my car and a certain STBE (soon to be ex) had said for 3 days he would do it and hadn't (although one day he had to xl to go to an interview, so that was forgiven). I decided I would do it. You can find anything on the internet, so I looked up how you check it and I looked in the owners manual, and I did it myself and added some fluid to it. (it is harder than just adding oil). Unfortunatley, that is not the problem. *sigh* But the Mustang doesn't like to drive on ice (straight anyways, it has no problem driving sideways) so I am thinking I need to drive the STUPID truck for the next couple of months. The truck that costs $40 a month more to insure and gets 10.5 mpg instead of 18. BUT has 4 wheel drive. ugh
I got in my car to go to lunch yesterday, I had to go to the bank and I went to the auto store to buy Transmission fluid, then I was trying to decide what to do next and the owners manual said the car needed to be pretty warm before you checked the fluid. I got in my car with no idea really of where to drive to, and before I knew it I was at Mukilteo Beach. I went and sat on a log and cried my heart out. Prayed for Cheroo. Cried for my step-dad. This Christmas is really hard. I just can't get into the Christmas spirit. It isn't the same without him. I'm mad at my mom for a couple reasons and she's so upset and missing him, she said she's not doing anything for Christmas. I have no money and my kids won't tell me anything they want so that makes it even harder to buy for them. I don't want to spend what little money I have to buy them something just to be buying them something - I want to get them something they WANT. It just makes me so depressed. I cried for all that too. Then looking out over the calm water and burying my hands in the sand, calmed me down. It was too dang cold to put my feet in sand, but for some reason pouring the sand through my hands helped a little. It's like I need to connect with the earth. Isn't that weird? I know. I am weird.
THEN, Ok. I needed the transmission fluid checked in my car and a certain STBE (soon to be ex) had said for 3 days he would do it and hadn't (although one day he had to xl to go to an interview, so that was forgiven). I decided I would do it. You can find anything on the internet, so I looked up how you check it and I looked in the owners manual, and I did it myself and added some fluid to it. (it is harder than just adding oil). Unfortunatley, that is not the problem. *sigh* But the Mustang doesn't like to drive on ice (straight anyways, it has no problem driving sideways) so I am thinking I need to drive the STUPID truck for the next couple of months. The truck that costs $40 a month more to insure and gets 10.5 mpg instead of 18. BUT has 4 wheel drive. ugh
Monday, December 12, 2011
Weekend update
So Saturday I was supposed to go to a Company party with a friend. I wasn't too excited about going somewhere with a bunch of strangers but I WAS excited to wear this dress that I bought at the Lincoln City Outlet Mall in July 2009 that still had the tags on it. I also thought we were going to some place fancy inSeattle. He was supposed to wear a suit. So dressing up... someplace nice in Seattle... that sounded like fun. Then the night before I found out it was in someone home. He texted me that the invite read "in our home, cocktails, buffet, dancing. Take shuttle from Shoreline college." I thought WTH?? I didn't want to go to someones house. AND what kind of house do you go to that you NEED TO TAKE A SHUTTLE? Ok, maybe it was a fancy house. It must be a big house if they were having dancing in the house, right? I guess I was intrigued.
I took a nap because I was tired and wanted to be rested and not have bags under my eyes. I showered. I SHAVED. I haven't worn a dress forever. I primped. I put on PANTYHOSE. I got a phone call about 10 minutes before I was to leave that he was cancelling on me. There were a couple reasons. One was he had to work late and had just gotten home so we were already going to be late. Two, he has a guy living in a motorhome on his lot next door and his power was out for some reason, so he had to try to figure out why before he could even shower. There was a Three that was the worst reason but I am not getting into that.
I wasn't just dressed, I took pains to get dressed. I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE DAMN IT!!! I had been invited to a Christmas party but I couln't go because of this holiday party that I had promised to go to. But I didn't have the lady's phone #, just her FB page. GRRRR. They planned to go to Big Daddy's after the party and had invited me to meet them their after my party so I had that to do but not until 9 and I wanted to go someplace NOW (it was 6). I texted a couple people and sat to cool off a little.
At 8 a friend invited me to a local tavern to play darts. I figured I could go watch. When I tried to play darts 20 yrs ago, I had trouble finding the dart board. I got there and she whispers to me "Im on a date" OMG, I asked why the hell she invited me then and she said it was actually his idea. She had read my text out loud and he was taking pity on me. Sheesh. And he insisted I play darts. We played 3 games. And I got 2 bulls-eyes. It was a lot of fun.
Then I went dancing and danced my little heart out. A guy I sort of like was completely ignoring me and was dancing with 3 girls the entire time so I got feelings hurt again and just danced my little heart out. I really like the ladies that were there, they were all so excited to see me. They are having a gift exchange dinner there in 2 wks and I was reminded 3 or 4 times to make sure I come.
So I really did end up having a fun time over all and I got so many compliments on my dress. I'm going to have to wear it again, just because.
Sunday I had no energy but did some puttering. I can't find my Christmas clothes and can.not. for the life of me think of where they might have gone. They have ALWAYS ALWAYS been put away in the same spot. The same for my Snowmen. I have a whole rubbermaid container of Snowmen stuff and I CANNOT FIND IT. It had been in the POD. Kar and I watched a DVR'd House marathon and made Christmas cards. It's the first time I've done something crafty in a year. It was quite enjoyable. I need to do it more often.
Now it's Monday and I'm not ready to face another week. blahhhh
I took a nap because I was tired and wanted to be rested and not have bags under my eyes. I showered. I SHAVED. I haven't worn a dress forever. I primped. I put on PANTYHOSE. I got a phone call about 10 minutes before I was to leave that he was cancelling on me. There were a couple reasons. One was he had to work late and had just gotten home so we were already going to be late. Two, he has a guy living in a motorhome on his lot next door and his power was out for some reason, so he had to try to figure out why before he could even shower. There was a Three that was the worst reason but I am not getting into that.
I wasn't just dressed, I took pains to get dressed. I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE DAMN IT!!! I had been invited to a Christmas party but I couln't go because of this holiday party that I had promised to go to. But I didn't have the lady's phone #, just her FB page. GRRRR. They planned to go to Big Daddy's after the party and had invited me to meet them their after my party so I had that to do but not until 9 and I wanted to go someplace NOW (it was 6). I texted a couple people and sat to cool off a little.
At 8 a friend invited me to a local tavern to play darts. I figured I could go watch. When I tried to play darts 20 yrs ago, I had trouble finding the dart board. I got there and she whispers to me "Im on a date" OMG, I asked why the hell she invited me then and she said it was actually his idea. She had read my text out loud and he was taking pity on me. Sheesh. And he insisted I play darts. We played 3 games. And I got 2 bulls-eyes. It was a lot of fun.
Then I went dancing and danced my little heart out. A guy I sort of like was completely ignoring me and was dancing with 3 girls the entire time so I got feelings hurt again and just danced my little heart out. I really like the ladies that were there, they were all so excited to see me. They are having a gift exchange dinner there in 2 wks and I was reminded 3 or 4 times to make sure I come.
So I really did end up having a fun time over all and I got so many compliments on my dress. I'm going to have to wear it again, just because.
Sunday I had no energy but did some puttering. I can't find my Christmas clothes and can.not. for the life of me think of where they might have gone. They have ALWAYS ALWAYS been put away in the same spot. The same for my Snowmen. I have a whole rubbermaid container of Snowmen stuff and I CANNOT FIND IT. It had been in the POD. Kar and I watched a DVR'd House marathon and made Christmas cards. It's the first time I've done something crafty in a year. It was quite enjoyable. I need to do it more often.
Now it's Monday and I'm not ready to face another week. blahhhh
Friday, December 9, 2011
A little better today
I am $50 richer for doing nothing, but I guess I could have easily been $75 richer. Who knew? Our family has a sonicare system that holds 4 toothbrushes and we all used it at first and after awhile Jake was the only one that used it. This dealy was just a one brush thing. I can't believe just 1 would cost that much. When the guy finally showed up (he changed the time on me & I had to wait for an hour Grrr) he asked why I was selling it so cheap, he thought it might have been a scam at first because the cheapest he had seen one for was $75. I was mentally smacking myself upside my head. I didn't even look to see if other people were selling them and for how much. I'm trying to sell some damn dolls and I've researched the hell out of them. Geesh. BUT like I said, $50 more than I had.
And dancing was just what I needed to give me a little boost in my step and calm my mental anguish. I've made some friends there (the person I had been going with hasn't gone for the last month and I've gone by myself so I started sitting with this group of ladies) and I got invited to a Christmas party at one of there house's Saturday that I can't go to, but also got invited to a pre-dancing Christmas party gift exchange in 2 wks at Big Daddy's with them. It is just huge for shy introvert me to have ventured out in the last few months and made some new friends, to have stepped outside my comfort zone and pushed some limits. (I am not in ANY way trying to replace any of my current friends, no sir-ee!) I also got a major compliment.... he is a regular, but I've never danced with him before. He is quite handsome....if only he wasn't in his late 50's-early 60's, it would be better! lol! It still helps the ego to be told you are amazing. I also saw someone that is pretty much like an ex-brother in-law and his dancing cracks me up! It's disco music and he dances like it's rap.
I am going out with a friend tonight (actually the one that is like a sister and it's her exhubby that I saw last night) and then I am going with a friend to his Company Christmas party tomorrow night. I agreed to go mostly because it is a dressy event and I have this dress I have had for over a year (maybe 2) and never worn. It says cocktail attire, which calls for an above the knee dress, but I don't have any of those. This dress is below the knee and I don't care because I have been DYING to wear it. And it has no sleeves so I am going to freeze. I do not care.
And dancing was just what I needed to give me a little boost in my step and calm my mental anguish. I've made some friends there (the person I had been going with hasn't gone for the last month and I've gone by myself so I started sitting with this group of ladies) and I got invited to a Christmas party at one of there house's Saturday that I can't go to, but also got invited to a pre-dancing Christmas party gift exchange in 2 wks at Big Daddy's with them. It is just huge for shy introvert me to have ventured out in the last few months and made some new friends, to have stepped outside my comfort zone and pushed some limits. (I am not in ANY way trying to replace any of my current friends, no sir-ee!) I also got a major compliment.... he is a regular, but I've never danced with him before. He is quite handsome....if only he wasn't in his late 50's-early 60's, it would be better! lol! It still helps the ego to be told you are amazing. I also saw someone that is pretty much like an ex-brother in-law and his dancing cracks me up! It's disco music and he dances like it's rap.
I am going out with a friend tonight (actually the one that is like a sister and it's her exhubby that I saw last night) and then I am going with a friend to his Company Christmas party tomorrow night. I agreed to go mostly because it is a dressy event and I have this dress I have had for over a year (maybe 2) and never worn. It says cocktail attire, which calls for an above the knee dress, but I don't have any of those. This dress is below the knee and I don't care because I have been DYING to wear it. And it has no sleeves so I am going to freeze. I do not care.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday
Something is definitely wrong with me. I woke up this THURSDAY morning and I have no excitement for going out tonight. Usually I wake up in SUCH a good mood, humming to myself. Woke up this morning. Blah.
I even walked out the door and saw no ice on my car and thought "Oooh, good sign, maybe it will be a good day", which is what I said yesterday and for the most part it was a good day. But as soon as I got in my car... happiness gone. For some reason being in my car makes my mind go crazy with thoughts. Me, myself and I talk WAY too much to each other.
I won this Sonic Care toothbrush last year from my dentist and it's sat in the box all year. I kept thinking I should put it on cr@ig$list and finally did last night for $50, I debated $75 as it sells for like $125-$150 (looks like a stupid toothbrush to me) but I didn't think someone shopping on that site was looking to spend that much. I got a text exactly 30 minutes later. I'm meeting someone at 5:45 tonight. (in front of a grocery store, so don't worry mother hens, I will be safe). I sort of wish I had put it for $75. I have a bunch of porcelain dolls I need to get rid of. I have them all for $20 and they are worth more than that. I also have a mobility scooter that we paid $800 that I am trying to sell for $400 (I have it listed for 325 but they need to buy an $80 battery). I keep looking around my house to see what else I can try to sell on ebay or cr@igs.
Deb, thank you for your sweet comment, it made me smile.
Martha, maybe we should rethink the domestic partner thing!!
I have actually thought about cleaning out my office and trying to rent that room. I just don't know what I would do with all of the stuff in it. I really don't know if I can keep my house unless I do something like that.
Ok, enough depressing thoughts. I'm not coming back until I have something uplifting to say.
I even walked out the door and saw no ice on my car and thought "Oooh, good sign, maybe it will be a good day", which is what I said yesterday and for the most part it was a good day. But as soon as I got in my car... happiness gone. For some reason being in my car makes my mind go crazy with thoughts. Me, myself and I talk WAY too much to each other.
I won this Sonic Care toothbrush last year from my dentist and it's sat in the box all year. I kept thinking I should put it on cr@ig$list and finally did last night for $50, I debated $75 as it sells for like $125-$150 (looks like a stupid toothbrush to me) but I didn't think someone shopping on that site was looking to spend that much. I got a text exactly 30 minutes later. I'm meeting someone at 5:45 tonight. (in front of a grocery store, so don't worry mother hens, I will be safe). I sort of wish I had put it for $75. I have a bunch of porcelain dolls I need to get rid of. I have them all for $20 and they are worth more than that. I also have a mobility scooter that we paid $800 that I am trying to sell for $400 (I have it listed for 325 but they need to buy an $80 battery). I keep looking around my house to see what else I can try to sell on ebay or cr@igs.
Deb, thank you for your sweet comment, it made me smile.
Martha, maybe we should rethink the domestic partner thing!!
I have actually thought about cleaning out my office and trying to rent that room. I just don't know what I would do with all of the stuff in it. I really don't know if I can keep my house unless I do something like that.
Ok, enough depressing thoughts. I'm not coming back until I have something uplifting to say.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Definitely a Monday
I have fought depression for years and take meds for it but it doesn't always stop it completely and I can feel a bout of it coming on. I am going to fight it hard though. I let it take over a bit this morning. I said on FB that I hit dismiss instead of snooze but truth is, it was a conscious decision. I said "The hell with it, I just can't get up yet." and turned off my alarm. The dog woke me up an hour later. I feel like crap today, I have already had this cold thing twice and I don't want it again but there is pressure on my chest and my head is stuff. I have had pain in my left shoulder for about two weeks. Sometimes is this deep bone ache and sometimes it's this really weird twitching. I know it's Fibro but I have never ever had it in my arm like this. Right in the shoulder joint. I don't like it at all. Oh, I had to stop at the Water place this morning to pay part of the bill so they didn't shut me off today. How in the hell am I supposed to not pay any bills so that I can file bankruptcy if I keep getting shut off notices? I don't understand and it makes my stomach in knots.
The only thing going for me is that there IS blue sky out my window at work. Gray and rain would push me over the edge.
The only thing going for me is that there IS blue sky out my window at work. Gray and rain would push me over the edge.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Just having trouble with this whole Holiday thing
I have so many different things going on right now and it is really overwhelming me. I keep trying to decorate for Christmas and I am having the hardest time. Jake moved out last November but things were so weird then this is really the first Christmas more on my own and it is what I want, so why do I start bawling everytime I start to decorate or try to do anything? Well, this last time I was pulling stuff out in the laundry/storage room and looked over & saw this crocheted booty that my step dad had bought at a craft fair for Kallyn when she was first born. He is not here this year, which means my mom is really not "here". It still does not seem real that he is gone.
My kids seem to expect the house decorated but don't seem to want to help me and it would be a much more pleasurable thing if we did it as a family. I seem to be having issues with both of them that just breaks my heart. I myself am feeling incredibly restless and lonely. I'm not comfortable inside my own skin.
I am so broke it is not even funny. I have 1 more paycheck before Christmas and it won't even be enough to pay the mortgage so how am I supposed to buy any Christmas presents? I honestly just don't know what to do? I keep praying and praying and job searching for a 2nd part time job that would work with my FT one or a full time job that makes more than I do right now. I'm trying to sell some things on ebay and craigslist.
My kids seem to expect the house decorated but don't seem to want to help me and it would be a much more pleasurable thing if we did it as a family. I seem to be having issues with both of them that just breaks my heart. I myself am feeling incredibly restless and lonely. I'm not comfortable inside my own skin.
I am so broke it is not even funny. I have 1 more paycheck before Christmas and it won't even be enough to pay the mortgage so how am I supposed to buy any Christmas presents? I honestly just don't know what to do? I keep praying and praying and job searching for a 2nd part time job that would work with my FT one or a full time job that makes more than I do right now. I'm trying to sell some things on ebay and craigslist.
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