Thursday, February 16, 2012
I'm still here
Not doing great. Either is Karli, but we are coping. I'm having difficulty doing the things I'm supposed to be doing paperwork wise. It's just SO overwhelming. I just missed 3 days of work, I feel like crap physically, emotionally and spiritually. Up and down. So hard to explain so I'm just staying away. Sometimes you have to force a smile on your face and "fake it til you make it" so that's what I'm trying to do to the best of my ability.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sat in her partially packed up room
this morning and lost it. I would lose it even if she were moving out on good terms but the fact that she's only talked to me twice since Monday and pieces of her childhood room are getting packed up without my help and I don't get to share in any joy in the adventure of moving out is just breaking my heart.
Thank you Shana. It is nice that someone said words of support. Even just saying hugs helps me not feel so alone.
Thank you Shana. It is nice that someone said words of support. Even just saying hugs helps me not feel so alone.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Moving out
I don't even know what happened. She won't talk to me. I really don't know what I did so wrong. She hates me. Disowned me. Going to live with my mom. I've been defriended from FB but I hear she's calling our house a "hellhole".
I know that many kids & parents go through something like this. I really think she is acting out of emotions that she doesn't quite understand and I think it has a lot to do with the divorce. I believe it is temporary and that we will get through this. I keep telling her I love her. I will always love her.
BUT that does not make it hurt any less. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't being ripped at the seams. It doesn't mean that the terribly horrible things she called me and said to me didn't cut... both me and Karli, who over heard it all and stayed home from school the next day.
Her moving out and getting away, even if it's for a little bit, is probably a good thing. A chance for her to grow some. A chance for us both to step back and look at things.
I love you with all my heart and soul Kallyn Mackenzie Jacobson.
I know that many kids & parents go through something like this. I really think she is acting out of emotions that she doesn't quite understand and I think it has a lot to do with the divorce. I believe it is temporary and that we will get through this. I keep telling her I love her. I will always love her.
BUT that does not make it hurt any less. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't being ripped at the seams. It doesn't mean that the terribly horrible things she called me and said to me didn't cut... both me and Karli, who over heard it all and stayed home from school the next day.
Her moving out and getting away, even if it's for a little bit, is probably a good thing. A chance for her to grow some. A chance for us both to step back and look at things.
I love you with all my heart and soul Kallyn Mackenzie Jacobson.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday
My favorite saying that I keep repeating to myself is "It is what it is" I don't know if I can even explain what it means to me. Sort of like, don't have expectations. Whatever happens, happens. It just seems to help me stay focused on here and now and not future tripping.
I had a good weekend with my girls (despite the fact I had a horrible cold/cough and thought I was going to die) and a good night last night with a friend. ") I start a new PT job on Thursday, a friend is coming to town for a week Thursday night and I get to celebrate Bobbie's birthday Saturday with Platinum Spandex. Saturday to Saturday seems like a pretty good week!
I had a good weekend with my girls (despite the fact I had a horrible cold/cough and thought I was going to die) and a good night last night with a friend. ") I start a new PT job on Thursday, a friend is coming to town for a week Thursday night and I get to celebrate Bobbie's birthday Saturday with Platinum Spandex. Saturday to Saturday seems like a pretty good week!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Did you know...
IT's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!
and
I'M GOING DANCING!!!!!!
I haven't been to "my place" yet this year. I've been dancing 2x (maybe 3) but not at the place that I feel most comfy at. I was going so much there for awhile then the Afro's had to go and leave "( I've heard the band that replaced them is ok, but the place is dead. I have a cold and feel like crap, but that's not gonna stop me. That is why cold medicine was invented.
I got my schedule for my first week of training. Are you ready for this back breaking schedule?? hold on to your panties....
Thur 5:30-7:30 pm
Fri 5:30-7:30 pm
I'm purty sure I can handle that.
Next Saturday is Platinum Spandex at Big Daddy's and I'm even MORE excited about that than I am about tonight.
And I should be getting money from my 401k loan in a week or so. This year I opted to take less out of my check for the FSA so that I would have more of a paycheck. $125 a check instead of $200... the loan starts being deducted in Mar and it is $56 so it won't really have an impact on me too much. Not when my mental state will be a little better from having gotten caught up and taking care of other business... and when the mental state is better, the body is better.
That's really all I have for now. Just a tad excited for dancing. It helped my mood SO MUCH last Friday, just thinking about how good I felt has helped whenever I've gotten sad this week. I need another hit to keep me going through next week.
and
I'M GOING DANCING!!!!!!
I haven't been to "my place" yet this year. I've been dancing 2x (maybe 3) but not at the place that I feel most comfy at. I was going so much there for awhile then the Afro's had to go and leave "( I've heard the band that replaced them is ok, but the place is dead. I have a cold and feel like crap, but that's not gonna stop me. That is why cold medicine was invented.
I got my schedule for my first week of training. Are you ready for this back breaking schedule?? hold on to your panties....
Thur 5:30-7:30 pm
Fri 5:30-7:30 pm
I'm purty sure I can handle that.
Next Saturday is Platinum Spandex at Big Daddy's and I'm even MORE excited about that than I am about tonight.
And I should be getting money from my 401k loan in a week or so. This year I opted to take less out of my check for the FSA so that I would have more of a paycheck. $125 a check instead of $200... the loan starts being deducted in Mar and it is $56 so it won't really have an impact on me too much. Not when my mental state will be a little better from having gotten caught up and taking care of other business... and when the mental state is better, the body is better.
That's really all I have for now. Just a tad excited for dancing. It helped my mood SO MUCH last Friday, just thinking about how good I felt has helped whenever I've gotten sad this week. I need another hit to keep me going through next week.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
HUMP DAY
Feeling a little blue today. I'm no longer seeing a person that I've sorta been seeing the last couple weeks and was hoping to progress into a full blown relationship with. I totally and completely understand the reasoning why. It is for the best. BUT that doesn't make it any less hard, especially when I'd kinda fallen hard & fast for him. The head can know things, but the heart can still hurt.
But I'm going to be working more anyways. It's probably best I just focus on work and my kids and making sure my life is on track and get my house in order and forget men for awhile. I've made some guy friends that I talk to/text with and see dancing and that's all they are - friends - and I really like that. They can do for now. I always had guy friends growing up (girls have sooo much drama) but you don't usually have a lot of guy friends when you're married. You don't need them - you have YOUR guy. And having guy friends makes me feel safer as a single female, there is someone watching my back that I can call if needed.
I talked to the Dr about me working more because I've had a couple people say they are concerned about my health if I do so. She seem to think it might be a good thing. She thought I seemed excited enough about it and it will be a good social outlet, especially since it is in my community that I love (helps depression) and it is some exercise and my main job is not stressful or taxing on the body. She said if it seems to be too much to just work less hours (which is a possibility). She's also not concerned about my weight, even though I've lost more, because my blood work was so excellent. She said if I wanted to gain more weight to eat Peanut Butter because it has protein and good fats in it. I just feel a little too anorexic and would like to gain 5 pounds.
But I'm going to be working more anyways. It's probably best I just focus on work and my kids and making sure my life is on track and get my house in order and forget men for awhile. I've made some guy friends that I talk to/text with and see dancing and that's all they are - friends - and I really like that. They can do for now. I always had guy friends growing up (girls have sooo much drama) but you don't usually have a lot of guy friends when you're married. You don't need them - you have YOUR guy. And having guy friends makes me feel safer as a single female, there is someone watching my back that I can call if needed.
I talked to the Dr about me working more because I've had a couple people say they are concerned about my health if I do so. She seem to think it might be a good thing. She thought I seemed excited enough about it and it will be a good social outlet, especially since it is in my community that I love (helps depression) and it is some exercise and my main job is not stressful or taxing on the body. She said if it seems to be too much to just work less hours (which is a possibility). She's also not concerned about my weight, even though I've lost more, because my blood work was so excellent. She said if I wanted to gain more weight to eat Peanut Butter because it has protein and good fats in it. I just feel a little too anorexic and would like to gain 5 pounds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)