I have not felt good the last few days. Sick to my stomach and just body uck like I am coming down with something. Could not get out of bed this morning. Got up at 7:45. Left at 8, got to work at 8:20.
Me eldest hasn't been at home for 2 days because she hates it there and all we do is fight.
I found out something possibly very bad about my youngest this a.m. and I dread talking to her this evening.
My husband is driving me crazy and is he NOT only not looking for a job - he's NOT DOING THE F&*KING JOB that he has been temporarily handed in his lap. He could have easily about 30 hours last week and he had 14 because he is g@d d@mn lazy. The only way he is going to get a job is if I do the job hunting for him.
And I am also grieving the loss of a friend who I thought of as family. I did nothing to her but she just decided she didn't want to be in my life anymore. That really hurts. She says it's for the best because she will just end up hurting me, but I guess she doesn't realize how much she is hurting me now.
I just don't have it in me to deal with any of it. Anyone. I just want to curl up in bed with a book in fantasy land to distract myself from all of it. Everyone and everything. I feel like I just can't do it anymore. Just can't take it. I don't have the energy, the passion, the heart.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bloggers block
I've had bloggers block. Well, maybe not. I guess that would be trying to think of something to write and not being able to. I just haven't even thought of blogging. Or reading anyone's blogs. Just sort of been withdrawn. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and so sick and tired I can't even see coming out of it.
It is easy for others to sit back and judge when they aren't in it themselves. Having a constant tension headache at about a 5-6 on the pain scale for, I can't even count how long now, is quite tiring. Every couple days it will spike up and cause a migraine. The last time it was a 6 day migraine - I worked 3 days of the 6. I have been through this sort of cycle many times in the last 26 years so I know that it WILL go away, it just seems like this one is lasting much longer than usual for so much pain. I have tried many different things. I think that it might be worse because now I have Fibromyalgia and headaches & migraines are common with FMS and I already have headaches & migraine issues. When I saw the neurologist in August he doubled my migraine preventative medicine and I have had several migraines since then. I was supposed to see him on the day that I had the horrible migraine but I could not drive and Jake was not home so I had to reschedule for October 6th.
I see the famous RA next Thursday for my FMS. I do not have any expectations. I can not afford to let myself get too excited. I have been let down too many times by doctors. It doesn't seem like there are any real miracle doctors out there except House. I want HIM, in more than one way (wiggling eyebrows).
Oh a fun thing (and frustrating - but mostly fun). We were due for an upgrade on our phones and I was debating getting a Blackberry because I didn't really neeeed one but I waaaanted. Then I was looking online and it was buy one get one free and with the online discounts, it was $49.99 for the 2 phones. I talked to Kallyn and she was totally willing to pay for her own data package. See, that was why I was debating, did I really want to add another $30 to our phone bill for a data package for me? So, it took several tries and I had some issues that I won't bore you with but it turned out that our current plan was a plan they used and more and we would have to change our plan if we upgraded our phones.
We were paying $110 for 700 minutes for Jake & I PLUS we were paying $19.99 for unlimited texting for the family. The girls are $9.99 a line.
NOW we are paying $110 for 1400 minutes for Jake & I and that INCLUDES the unlimited texting so the data package is really only $10 a month more plus we have twice as many minutes! Not that we talk that much but the last 3 months we have gone over by like 45 min, which does add up.
Karli has a soccer game at 9 am that is 2 minutes away from Crispy Creme!!! Wheeeeeeeee (makes up for having to get up at normal work time on a Saturday morning, trying to focus on the positive here)
It is easy for others to sit back and judge when they aren't in it themselves. Having a constant tension headache at about a 5-6 on the pain scale for, I can't even count how long now, is quite tiring. Every couple days it will spike up and cause a migraine. The last time it was a 6 day migraine - I worked 3 days of the 6. I have been through this sort of cycle many times in the last 26 years so I know that it WILL go away, it just seems like this one is lasting much longer than usual for so much pain. I have tried many different things. I think that it might be worse because now I have Fibromyalgia and headaches & migraines are common with FMS and I already have headaches & migraine issues. When I saw the neurologist in August he doubled my migraine preventative medicine and I have had several migraines since then. I was supposed to see him on the day that I had the horrible migraine but I could not drive and Jake was not home so I had to reschedule for October 6th.
I see the famous RA next Thursday for my FMS. I do not have any expectations. I can not afford to let myself get too excited. I have been let down too many times by doctors. It doesn't seem like there are any real miracle doctors out there except House. I want HIM, in more than one way (wiggling eyebrows).
Oh a fun thing (and frustrating - but mostly fun). We were due for an upgrade on our phones and I was debating getting a Blackberry because I didn't really neeeed one but I waaaanted. Then I was looking online and it was buy one get one free and with the online discounts, it was $49.99 for the 2 phones. I talked to Kallyn and she was totally willing to pay for her own data package. See, that was why I was debating, did I really want to add another $30 to our phone bill for a data package for me? So, it took several tries and I had some issues that I won't bore you with but it turned out that our current plan was a plan they used and more and we would have to change our plan if we upgraded our phones.
We were paying $110 for 700 minutes for Jake & I PLUS we were paying $19.99 for unlimited texting for the family. The girls are $9.99 a line.
NOW we are paying $110 for 1400 minutes for Jake & I and that INCLUDES the unlimited texting so the data package is really only $10 a month more plus we have twice as many minutes! Not that we talk that much but the last 3 months we have gone over by like 45 min, which does add up.
Karli has a soccer game at 9 am that is 2 minutes away from Crispy Creme!!! Wheeeeeeeee (makes up for having to get up at normal work time on a Saturday morning, trying to focus on the positive here)
Friday, September 3, 2010
1 month 95% Gluten Free!
I forgot to post that on the 1st! I have had a few cheats and I have admitted all of them. We were at my mom's house Tuesday and she said "You guys don't really think she doesn't cheat when she's alone do you?" Thanks mom. Hmmm.... wonder why I don't see you very often.
It is not about them or anyone else. If I cheat, I am only cheating myself and if I decide that I deserve it once in awhile, so be it. I am human, not perfect.
So how am I feeling?? Like I have been run over by a truck "(
It took about a week to get through withdrawals, which weren't as bad as they have been in the past when I tried quitting. Until I went in to the grocery store. Every cell in my being soaked up the smell of the bread and screamed for it. Week 2 I started feeling really good - hardly any pain and more energy. That also happend to be the week of wonderfully sunny weather.
Then I walked to much. There is a movie theater here that has 2 flights of stairs to get to the restroom. I went up them 3 times. (twice for myself and the 3rd time w/my aunt). I really can't do stairs. I should have taken the elevator the last time but I am stubborn. It kills me that I can't walk up the friggin stairs. But then I paid. My body went into a flare up. 2 days of 8 pain on the pain scale. Then the weather was nice for a couple days and then raining hard. It kills my body to switch like that. I currently feel like I never quit wheat. No difference at all. sigh.
But I am not giving up yet. I am not supposed to eat gluten/wheat so I am going to stay away except for the occassional cheat.
The 1st two weeks of Aug I had also significantly cut my caffeine. Just my travel mug on the way to work. And maybe my daily Coke, maybe not. Half the time I was only drinking half of it. I think that made a difference but somehow I ended up back to full throttle again. This week I am doing just the travel mug again. Only 2x have I had a Coke. I need some caffeine or I get horrible headaches but I too much caffeine has been shown to cause pain in many people w/FMS.
Usually when I have stopped eating wheat, by the end of the 1st week my stomach is flat. Gluten makes me bloated. So while I might not lose weight right away, the bloatedness goes away and I appear to be slimmer. (LOVE IT) That has NOT happened. >:( And I think I know why. sigh. "(
Dairy. I am not supposed to have dairy either. I took a blood test 2 years ago to find out foods that I am allergic/intolerant too. (that is different than being "allergic" where you get hives or go into anaphylactic shcok). Dairy and Gluten are both foods that I am intolerant of AND both foods that many people with FMS are bothered by.
I think my stomach bloatedness must be coming from dairy, thought I don't have that much. Dairy is what I need to give up next and I am D R E A D I N G it!! I don't drink milk but I love cheese and sour cream and ice cream. I love Mexican food and you can't have Mexican w/out CHEESE. And the cheese alternatives out there SUCK MONKEY BALLS. And you gotta have sour cream on Mexican and you make guacamole w/sour cream. (actually I DID find before a sour cream alternative that was ok, I just have remember where I found it). I passed on a bowl of ice cream last night, even though it killed me. Yes, there are rice milk and soy milk ice creams but they cost a lot more and do not taste the same, but I have eaten them. I was going to stop Dairy 9/1 but somehow the day escaped me. Now I have to pick a new date.
I REALLY want this damn tension headache to go away. It has been at a 5-6 pain most of the time 7-8 others and then triggering a migraine (like right now) pretty much since I got back from Gulf Shores, so 4 months now. I am used to living with a daily headache in the 2-3 range, but 5-6 is too much. I think I am going to try acupuncture again. The lady I liked was not on our insurance plan but we switched recently and she is on our new plan. The new plan has a limit of 12 visits though and she wants you to come like 3x a week so I just have to tell her 1x a week so I can make it last longer.
That's my health update. Over and out.
It is not about them or anyone else. If I cheat, I am only cheating myself and if I decide that I deserve it once in awhile, so be it. I am human, not perfect.
So how am I feeling?? Like I have been run over by a truck "(
It took about a week to get through withdrawals, which weren't as bad as they have been in the past when I tried quitting. Until I went in to the grocery store. Every cell in my being soaked up the smell of the bread and screamed for it. Week 2 I started feeling really good - hardly any pain and more energy. That also happend to be the week of wonderfully sunny weather.
Then I walked to much. There is a movie theater here that has 2 flights of stairs to get to the restroom. I went up them 3 times. (twice for myself and the 3rd time w/my aunt). I really can't do stairs. I should have taken the elevator the last time but I am stubborn. It kills me that I can't walk up the friggin stairs. But then I paid. My body went into a flare up. 2 days of 8 pain on the pain scale. Then the weather was nice for a couple days and then raining hard. It kills my body to switch like that. I currently feel like I never quit wheat. No difference at all. sigh.
But I am not giving up yet. I am not supposed to eat gluten/wheat so I am going to stay away except for the occassional cheat.
The 1st two weeks of Aug I had also significantly cut my caffeine. Just my travel mug on the way to work. And maybe my daily Coke, maybe not. Half the time I was only drinking half of it. I think that made a difference but somehow I ended up back to full throttle again. This week I am doing just the travel mug again. Only 2x have I had a Coke. I need some caffeine or I get horrible headaches but I too much caffeine has been shown to cause pain in many people w/FMS.
Usually when I have stopped eating wheat, by the end of the 1st week my stomach is flat. Gluten makes me bloated. So while I might not lose weight right away, the bloatedness goes away and I appear to be slimmer. (LOVE IT) That has NOT happened. >:( And I think I know why. sigh. "(
Dairy. I am not supposed to have dairy either. I took a blood test 2 years ago to find out foods that I am allergic/intolerant too. (that is different than being "allergic" where you get hives or go into anaphylactic shcok). Dairy and Gluten are both foods that I am intolerant of AND both foods that many people with FMS are bothered by.
I think my stomach bloatedness must be coming from dairy, thought I don't have that much. Dairy is what I need to give up next and I am D R E A D I N G it!! I don't drink milk but I love cheese and sour cream and ice cream. I love Mexican food and you can't have Mexican w/out CHEESE. And the cheese alternatives out there SUCK MONKEY BALLS. And you gotta have sour cream on Mexican and you make guacamole w/sour cream. (actually I DID find before a sour cream alternative that was ok, I just have remember where I found it). I passed on a bowl of ice cream last night, even though it killed me. Yes, there are rice milk and soy milk ice creams but they cost a lot more and do not taste the same, but I have eaten them. I was going to stop Dairy 9/1 but somehow the day escaped me. Now I have to pick a new date.
I REALLY want this damn tension headache to go away. It has been at a 5-6 pain most of the time 7-8 others and then triggering a migraine (like right now) pretty much since I got back from Gulf Shores, so 4 months now. I am used to living with a daily headache in the 2-3 range, but 5-6 is too much. I think I am going to try acupuncture again. The lady I liked was not on our insurance plan but we switched recently and she is on our new plan. The new plan has a limit of 12 visits though and she wants you to come like 3x a week so I just have to tell her 1x a week so I can make it last longer.
That's my health update. Over and out.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Eh
Haven't been here in awhile... don't know if anyone's noticed. Haven't been myself. Can not get rid of this dang headache. It just keeps triggering a migraine. I feel like I can't make plans as I am at the mercy of my head and I just let people down and look like a flake when I have to keep cancelling.
I feel like all I do is complain so I haven't been here and then look - the first thing I do is complain. sigh.
Kallyn is going to my Neurologist today to see if he might have any ideas about her RSD. She started working at a different store location last Friday for the place she works. It is a long story, but she is much happier now, even though they made her go through 20 hours of unpaid training all over again.
Karli unofficially started school today. Only the 7th graders started at her school today (and she is in 9th) but she is a WEB leader and she and a partner have a group of 8 7th graders to show around and basically give an orientation to the school. 200 kids applied and only 60 got picked and Karli was 1 of them. She had no idea what she was going to be doing while the 7th grader were in class so I am curious to talk to her when she gets out. Tomorrow is her 1st day of classes.
Jake had 2 interviews last week that basically fell in his lap. I feel like he is not trying at all to find a job. He is waiting for Everest to send him to interviews. I looked on line last Thursday and told him about 2 to apply to. Did he go there as of today? Nope. He worked 20 hours at my place of employment last week. What did he do the rest of the time you ask?
N O T H I N G
He doesn't even go on FB anymore because he thought he was getting too much crap about being on it. So he sits and watches CNN or ESPN. He doesn't even do the paperwork for the work he is doing until the last minute. He does the dishes once in awhile. He might fold clothes once in awhile.... if I dump them on the couch where he is sitting... See now I am starting to complain again. Better go now.
I feel like all I do is complain so I haven't been here and then look - the first thing I do is complain. sigh.
Kallyn is going to my Neurologist today to see if he might have any ideas about her RSD. She started working at a different store location last Friday for the place she works. It is a long story, but she is much happier now, even though they made her go through 20 hours of unpaid training all over again.
Karli unofficially started school today. Only the 7th graders started at her school today (and she is in 9th) but she is a WEB leader and she and a partner have a group of 8 7th graders to show around and basically give an orientation to the school. 200 kids applied and only 60 got picked and Karli was 1 of them. She had no idea what she was going to be doing while the 7th grader were in class so I am curious to talk to her when she gets out. Tomorrow is her 1st day of classes.
Jake had 2 interviews last week that basically fell in his lap. I feel like he is not trying at all to find a job. He is waiting for Everest to send him to interviews. I looked on line last Thursday and told him about 2 to apply to. Did he go there as of today? Nope. He worked 20 hours at my place of employment last week. What did he do the rest of the time you ask?
N O T H I N G
He doesn't even go on FB anymore because he thought he was getting too much crap about being on it. So he sits and watches CNN or ESPN. He doesn't even do the paperwork for the work he is doing until the last minute. He does the dishes once in awhile. He might fold clothes once in awhile.... if I dump them on the couch where he is sitting... See now I am starting to complain again. Better go now.
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